tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71026742096498266012024-03-06T06:49:51.890+00:00summer dreamsSummer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.comBlogger181125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-15125785460368180102013-09-15T13:47:00.001+01:002013-09-15T13:47:45.574+01:00Long time, no see.But today, I need to write. I need to write and write and write until everything that is in my brain is so fed up of being there that it just goes away and leaves me with the happy thoughts I am trying to push through.<br />
<br />
It has been a really, really hard six weeks. To cut a long story short, I moved into my boyfriend's flat and then, six days later, he dumped me, citing no reason, only to find out a week later that it was in fact because he was shagging someone else. - Insert completely appropriate expletive of your choice here - This left me, not only dealing with the emotions of that situation, but homeless with stuff in storage, stuff in his flat and some stuff in a very small suitcase at a friend's house. I don't know what I would have done were it not for my little suitcase and my very lovely friends, I am more grateful than I can ever really show.<br />
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So now, here I am, not-quite-6 weeks later, in a lovely flat I share with a model. She's lovely, don't get me wrong, but we lead very different lives. For example, on Thursday, she spent the day on a beach in Cannes, drinking champagne, whilst I spent the day scrubbing vomit off my bag (such are the joys of teaching 5 year olds). This difference serves as a constant reminder that, whilst we do get on really, really well, this is not <i>really</i> where I am supposed to be.<br />
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But, where the hell am I supposed to be? I don't feel like I belong here, I'm not sure that I even belong in London anymore because, let's face it, what the hell do I have here now? I mean, other than work, but that can't be all I have? I have a few friends here, but I'm not sure they have truly crossed over from being 'work friends' to 'friends' (the difference being that, if I ever left my job, would I see them again?) and I don't have anyone here that I can just ring and be like, "want to go for a coffee?" and them just say "yes". Everyone else is getting on with their full lives with their new families, partners and friends and here I am, with none of that. Or, at least, not really here.<br />
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I know I can't go back home to Devon, I'd end up going insane. But, at the same time, I don't really want to stay here. But where do I go? I just want my life to come back together, rather than being so disjointed, with stuff and people and memories all over the place. I want to feel like somewhere is "My Home" again, like my old flat, and to feel like I am somehow in control of my life.<br />
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Basically, I want to know who I am, what I'm doing here and where I belong.<br />
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It's going to be another hard year...Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-74398356713815253012013-04-04T11:55:00.001+01:002013-04-04T11:55:52.518+01:00The beginning of a new era.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So, I moved out of my flat. My lovely, pretty flat that I painted and cleaned when I moved in, that I decorated, that I lived in on my own for eighteen months and that I desperately loved. However, when I walked out of the door for the final time on Tuesday, I did not feel any sense of sadness, in fact, I pretty much ran out of there.<br />
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I now live in a shared house with people. I love my room and the two girls are lovely, don't get me wrong, but I don't like it. It's not <i>my</i> house and they aren't <i>my</i> things here (well, some are, but not the furniture). And yes, it might be a nicer house with a nicer kitchen, nicer bathroom, nicer garden, in a nicer area and nearer to the train station (4 minute walk from my bedroom to the train station, rather than 20 minutes), but I do not like it. It isn't mine, it isn't a symbol of everything I worked for, it is just a symbol of my life slowly moving out of my control.<br />
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I have been happily living in my own little bubble of independence since I moved to London, living on my own, doing everything myself and not asking for help, but now this is a step away from that. How I live my life at home is dictated by other people, the bathroom schedule, the kitchen schedule, the cleaning schedule etc, and everyone keeps reminding me that "it's only a stepping stone, you'll be living with Mr A within 5 months" and yes, that is true, but that is still a sign that my life is moving out of my control. Being in a serious relationship, especially when you live together, means that your lives become entwined, and you can't make decisions on your own. I find that hard to deal with, and I know I need to get over it because I can't stay like this forever (as much as I think being a spinster with a brown sofa and a lot of cats actually sounds quite nice) because that's just a ridiculous, selfish attitude to have on life. It still stresses me out, though. At least, at the moment, I can protect myself, but when that onus isn't all on me? That's scary.<br />
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Being a grown up is stupid.<br />
<br />
Fact.<br />
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<br />Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-18674617908044974562013-03-22T19:56:00.000+00:002013-03-22T19:57:16.231+00:00Freaking out.I am being forced to move house, because, let's face it, two burglaries in four months really was enough. I'm moving in with other people for the first time since living with people in university halls put me off, but only for 5 months because in the middle of all that, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him which will happen in August, after his tenancy has ended.<br />
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And, despite all of that, I do not want to move. I really, really do not want to move. I love this horrible, unsafe, scabby little flat so much because it was mine - It was the place I chose on my own, it was the place I bought my furniture for, it was the place I had been working towards having since I left school. It's beautiful, quiet and even though it's far away from just about everywhere, obviously unsafe, has dreadful carpets and curtains and I have annoying neighbours, I love it. I love living here, and I love living on my own. Other people are annoying, want to talk all the time, judge me from sitting on the sofa all day at the weekend, judge what I eat, judge what I do or do not do... I literally cannot think of anything worse than living with other people, my boyfriend included and all in all, I don't want any of this to be happening, not even a little bit.<br />
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Living with other people is like being on show all of the time. I can't spend all day on the sofa if I want to, I can't eat nutella from the jar for dinner if I have other people to feed too, I can't walk around with my Diana Ross-style natural hair without straightening it, I can't set my alarm for 20 minutes before the time I actually need to get up and press the 'sleep' button repeatedly, I can't put my deodorant on and then get back into bed when it's too cold to stand around and wait for it to dry, I can't spend whole evenings sat using the internet, I can't get up at the time I want to get up at weekends, I can't bleach my moustache and still wander around doing other things, I can't decorate the way I want to...<br />
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Generally, I am too selfish to live with people and my boyfriend rarely lets me get my own way, so I will be living his life AND I DON'T WANT TO. I don't care how many of my friends and family keep talking about me behind my back (although, fair play, they do tell me what they say to my face later) because apparently going out with someone for 12 months and not wanting to live together is weird, or not even living with someone by the age of 24 is weird, I DO NOT CARE. I LOVE LIVING ON MY OWN AND I LOVE HAVING MY OWN THINGS AND MY OWN LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO MOVE AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE.<br />
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I literally cry every time I think about it. I do not want any of this to be happening. I want to stay here in my own comfort zone, living my own life. I don't want this, any of it.<br />
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Someone make it stop, please?Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-66893424368291028782013-02-17T12:12:00.001+00:002013-02-17T12:12:29.106+00:00"This week, I have learnt..."It's funny how things always happen all at once, how life can be all or nothing.<br /><br />As I said before, the first few weeks of this year were fantastic. That was, until this week. After a stressful few days, on Wednesday, I had a moment where the stress of work finally got too much, so was sent home from work during a meeting (after school, I might add). I got home to find that my flat had been burgled again (yep, second time in four months), returned to school the next day only to end up being violently sick in the middle of a lesson observation. I did run out of the room, highly unprofessional, but still highly embarrassing. <br /><br />Like I said, it's funny how things happen all at once, and I can only hope that the old adage, "things happen in threes", turns out to be true. That was enough, thank you very much.<br /><br />So, at times like this, when life starts to throw challenges at you, everyone has their own coping strategy. Some are decidedly more effective than others. My strategy is to sit and sulk for about 48 hours, have a good old cry and generally feel sorry for myself. This seems to get it out of my system, then I wake up on the third day ready to sort my life out. Now, I won't pretend this is an effective strategy, but it is how I have always coped. I have always had to sort myself out and I now remember why.<br /><br />Because, as for relying on others...? No. So, what have I learnt this week? (Or, rather, what have I been reminded of this week?) If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. If you need help, tough, sort it out yourself. If you need some moral support, you will never be able to rely on anyone for that, not really, so again, just sort yourself out.<br /><br />Some of my friends have been lovely, don't get me wrong, and I am truly grateful to those people, but, with one exception, they weren't the people I thought would be there. And, to be quite frank, they weren't the people who should have been there. When I've gotten upset, people have gotten annoyed with me. When I haven't wanted to go out, I have been told I've been awkward. When I said I was scared of my own flat, people told me "Ohhh, you'll be ok..." and laughed it off. When I cried, I was told I was wearing people down with my mood but, let's face it, I'm not actually like this a lot. I think I've cried in front of people three times In the last twelve months: Twice after being burgled and once when I lost my Grandad. I'm hardly a drama queen, I hate that about people and so I hate being made to feel like one when I occasionally let the mask slip and show that I am, actually, struggling.<br /><br />It happens. Life is not always happy and, sometimes, people feel sad. Get over it.<br /><br />So, in conclusion, other people suck and you can only truly rely on yourself. And a cup of tea. Because, let's face it, tea makes everything better. <br /><br /><center><a href='http://photo.blogpressapp.com/show_photo.php?p=13/02/17/347.jpg'><img src='http://photo.blogpressapp.com/photos/13/02/17/s_347.jpg' border='0' width='231' height='173' style='margin:5px'></a></center><br /><br />Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-55839114040275952322013-02-05T21:56:00.000+00:002013-02-05T21:56:12.544+00:00I am very glad it is February.<br />
January is such a rubbish month, what with long, cold nights and no-one having any money to do anything, it is a really hard month to kick start the year. But, hurrah, we are almost a week into February and life is already getting much better.<br />
<br />
So, to review my year so far: this last month has been better than most of last year combined. I have finally gotten to grips with my relationship (I had been struggling with it for a number of reasons), my career is seemingly on the up with more potential opportunities on the horizon, my social life is improving massively after having befriended the least likely of acquaintances, I am back at the gym and feeling happy with my body, I have found a work-life balance and have also found my monkey onesie, hiding at the back of a cupboard... What more could I have wanted? I have dragged myself from crying myself to sleep every night to feeling in control and positive about my life again.<br />
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Anyone who says that New Years resolutions are a waste of time now has me to answer to. Yes, it is purely psychological, but hey, I needed the fresh start, to break away from my life as it had become and an excuse to turn over a new leaf. And, honestly, I'm proud of myself. Things are finally getting better, and I have reversed my route down the slippery slope.<br />
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I have smiled more in the last weeks than I have for months. And laughed :)<br />
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Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-8475125413582686212013-01-26T09:39:00.000+00:002013-01-26T09:39:24.971+00:00This will make you smile.Watch it and smile.<br />
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Happy weekend!Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-60059107150911446952013-01-25T17:11:00.000+00:002013-01-26T09:40:21.088+00:00I am 23.Not 63. Or 53. Or, even, 33 for that matter. I am 23.<br />
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I want to spend my Friday night going to the pub, having a few cheeky drinks with a group of lovely friends, and wobbling home far too late. I then want to spend my Saturday morning cooking a greasy fry-up, sitting on my sofa watching cookery programmes which show recipes I will never cook and then go to the gym before an afternoon of shopping, cinema or some general fun activity. On Saturday night, I then want to go out, drink enough that I want to dance the hours away, not have a massive argument with my boyfriend, who is a vile drunk, and then spend the hours between 2 and 4am on the night bus. This ideal weekend should then be topped off by spending Sunday on the sofa, swearing that I will never drink again, and watching endless repeats of some sitcom one of the satellite channels are showing.<br />
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I do not want to spend all three evenings of my weekend stuck in, sitting on the sofa or playing cards. I will repeat, I am not 53.<br />
<br />
I do not want to spend all threes days sitting around on the sofa or going shopping, cinema etc on my own. I AM NOT 53.<br />
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And, whilst we are at it, I do not want to live with my boyfriend, get married or have children. I AM 23 AND THAT IS OK!!!<br />
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In case you were wondering, yes, I am getting quite grumpy. Don't get me wrong, if that's how you want to spend your life and you are happy then great, and I am happy for you, but don't try to make me jealous of your life or drag me into it. It is ok to be 23 and want to go out and enjoy life, but when everyone in my life is either older or settling down, it suddenly doesn't seem ok to act my age! And, please bear in mind that when I say "older", I mean 27/28 ish. Which yes, is not old, but the four or five year difference seems to make such a big difference - everyone that age seems to be fine with spending a whole weekend stuck indoors and acting like 50-something's, rather than going out. I want to go ooooooooooout! *stamps foot like a petulant toddler*Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-14738527417892476332013-01-06T19:47:00.001+00:002013-01-06T19:48:18.192+00:00I really, really hate making decisions.I know I need to make some decisions, that time of year is coming around again, but I literally do not know where to start. Honestly, I am terrible at decision-making at the best of times, but that is normally because I know what I <i>should</i> do and either don't want to do it or can't be bothered with the hassle, however the decisions I have to make now need to come out of thin air.<br />
<br />
Why? Well I am at a stalemate in my life - I have no idea what I want to do in the future. I have wanted to move to London and to be a teacher for as long as I can remember (well, that's not true, I was 8 years old to be precise) and now I've done it and I'm happy and confident in doing it, I have nothing to aim for and nothing to look forward to. It's really getting me down because I'm a very goal-oriented person with no goal to aim for I have gone back to the mopey, procrastinating, complacent idiot I used to be when everything I wanted still seemed a million miles away. I don't want to be that person anymore, and whilst I have managed to, just about, kick-start my life since the turn of the year, I am very aware that we are only just a week into 2013 and that forcing myself will only get me so far - I need some motivation, something to shoot for, and I literally have no idea what I want. I <i>need</i> that drive, that motivation and I have no idea where my life is going.<br />
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My head is swimming with question after question after question: Do I want to stay working at the same school? Is there any career progression there for me, and if there is, is it in the direction I want to go? What direction do I even want to move in? What do I stand for? What really drives me to get out of bed in the morning? What do I want from my social life? Is this as good as it will ever get or can I get more out of it? Do I get the most out of my spare time? What do I really want to do with my day, any/all parts of it? How much am I really homesick for Plymouth? How can I avoid being sucked into a 'comfort zone' (which I can already feel happening)?<br />
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I desperately need to work out what my next steps are and what I need to do in order to achieve them. I need to make some decisions, soon, to avoid being sucked into a 'comfort zone' which then becomes very hard to get out of. I never want that, never ever ever...<br />
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Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-74117739586919972712013-01-01T23:04:00.005+00:002013-09-15T13:48:30.955+01:00My annual letters to the past and future.Dear 2012 and 2013.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.psychologies.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/2013newyear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://www.psychologies.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/2013newyear.jpg" width="320" /></a>Firstly, 2012, I am very glad that you have gone from my life. You took my confidence, my career, and most importantly, my Grandad, and you left me as a miserable, pathetic excuse for a person - the sort of person I thought I had left behind at sixth form. So, to cut a long story short: 2012, I hate you, you absolute bitch of a year. I never want to see or think about you again. Goodbye.<br />
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This means, 2013, me and you have some serious work to do. We are going to forget all of the upset and problems that last year brought and we are going to get back on track.
So, here we go (and yes, I am one of those silly people who makes a million new years resolutions, but in my defence, I do usually keep them for at least a month. Some have even stuck for a whole year...):<br />
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1) I will stop sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself. Get up and do something, you lazy cow.<br />
2) I will keep my mouth shut at work. Moaning and bitching will get me nowhere.<br />
3) I will find something to do with my free time that makes me happy.<br />
4) I will make friends... Even friend, singular, would be great. (Pathetic, I know)<br />
5) I will make more of an effort to fix things that are wrong with my life, rather than moaning or crying about them.<br />
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Let's go, 2013, and fix this ridiculous mess of a life. Starting today and blasting through the next month, let's get the momentum going to make some real change. I cannot have another year like this one, I just can't...
Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-41396246782560779352012-12-19T21:25:00.001+00:002013-01-06T19:49:46.375+00:00Nothing to say.I haven't blogged for ages because I realise that no-one wants to read a load of miserable, whingey posts which is how I have been feeling recently. But I haven't forgotten about the blog world and I will be back in the new year, because I have only one New Years resolution: to have a better year.
Better year = happier.
Now I just need Christmas to hurry up and get the hell out of my life. Then I can start sorting everything else out... Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-73879107641455909422012-11-13T22:27:00.001+00:002012-11-13T22:27:13.166+00:00Another Christmas rant.<P>Warning: this is another rant. Sorry for so many, but I need the outlet again...
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I have realised why I hate Christmas Day.
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Christmas isn't about the presents; it's about spending time with your family and people you love. It's about those silly memories everyone has of their grandad falling asleep, of someone getting drunk, of someone dropping the alight Christmas pudding and all that whilst surrounded by people you love.
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That's why I hate Christmas Day. No-one really wants me to be there.
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Because my mum's boyfriend is the biggest dickhead to ever grace this earth, if I go to my mum's, he refuses to go and she gets pissed off. If I don't go, she misses me and, again, gets pissed off with me. My dad invites me out of pity because of the aforementioned situation. My grandma is roped into Christmas with the other side of the family, and my Nan is with my auntie in Kent. My boyfriend wants me to go one minute and then doesn't the next minute and was probably only inviting me out of pity in the first place, which is hardly making me feel wanted, and as a general sweeping statement, the whole situation is making me feel like absolute crap.
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No-one really wants me there for Christmas. My decision lies between where I go, knowing that no one really gives a shit, knowing that whatever I do my mum will be pissed off, and knowing that as a consequence, I will have a shit day anyway.
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I cannot think about it without wanting to burst into tears.
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I am starting to realise more about why I hate Christmas...
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6 weeks today and the crap will be over for another year, thank goodness.
</p>Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-23164342759009651192012-11-04T20:55:00.001+00:002012-11-04T21:41:23.564+00:00Feeling positive.Doesn't it suck how quickly time flies when you least want it to? I mean, where did half term go? Time has gone so quickly, it really doesn't feel like I've had a week off at all and the things I have done have been much less relaxing than I would normally care for in a weeks "holiday". But, actually, it has done my attitude the world of good so perhaps the change has been as good as a rest? I feel much more like my usual positive self, the "usual" self I haven't seen in quite a few months, and feel like everything is on the up.<br />
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I have to say, as ridiculous as it sounds, one massive change for me has been the content on my iPod. I mean, there have been some great new albums out recently but, seriously, everyone needs to cheer up a bit! Yes, Ellie Goulding and Of Monsters and Men, I'm talking to you: your music is beautiful, but my goodness you don't half put a downer on my mood. I have had to ditch you all for cheerier music matter or the radio because otherwise I may have gone completely insane.<br />
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Plus, I have a social life for the coming tow months! Miracles do happen...<br />
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So, bring on the new half term: Bring me more chances to show what I can really do and bring on some fun! I will even endeavour to get into the Christmas spirit, despite my usual scroogeish nature and the upcoming rubbish Christmas Day which will be the normal anti-climax to the whole shebang.<br />
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Enjoy the next half term fellow teacher bloggers, and to others who exist outside of the academic calendar, enjoy what is left of your working year :) Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-55619914649597957432012-11-01T11:10:00.000+00:002012-11-01T11:10:34.849+00:00It's November.Today is November.<br />
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Christmas is in December.<br />
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STOP WITH THE CHRISTMAS ADVERTS IN NOVEMBER. And I swear to God, if I hear a single Christmas song in the next month, I will go nuts.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6C5C0tVJN07dgXrx2PWhdCaC095SFk_TEDp5gEFr4SDPjiE-v5iYp4FHJjO1hRuXYTkaX_EoRhgVrFXIR9RRY4fTQV-UJv1ZczVtmFhHRuEgiA9hLbUKHMn06oDFBYYpawEXNzdRTt_0/s1600/images-5.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6C5C0tVJN07dgXrx2PWhdCaC095SFk_TEDp5gEFr4SDPjiE-v5iYp4FHJjO1hRuXYTkaX_EoRhgVrFXIR9RRY4fTQV-UJv1ZczVtmFhHRuEgiA9hLbUKHMn06oDFBYYpawEXNzdRTt_0/s200/images-5.jpeg" width="183" /></a>Why must people insist on dragging Christmas out? Admittedly, I am an absolute scrooge; I hate the stupid, expensive, commercial reasoning behind my being forced to spend a whole week of my life with my family who I only get on okay-ish with at the best of times. I hate spending my money on things that people don't actually want because I have to, I hate the fact that everyone else always gets excited because they have an awesome time whilst I am going to be going home to a week of boredom because there is nothing else to do, and, most of all, I hate the fact that this stupid season gets dragged out for months before, as if it isn't bad enough anyway.<br />
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I hate the fact that my Grandad won't be here this year.<br />
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I hate that Christmas makes me feel really alone.<br />
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Generally, I hate Christmas: an expensive, pointless way of making people feel like absolute crap.<br />
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Rant over.Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-3591448413009705902012-10-23T20:49:00.003+01:002012-10-23T20:50:16.116+01:00Today, I had a good day!I only ever seem to blog to moan these days. I no longer blog about my life or the things I see for two simple reasons: 1) My life is boring and 2) my life is monotonous.<br />
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But today, I had a good day. I felt like today was the culmination of the last year of my life and for the first time, I didn't cock up an opportunity to prove myself - I really did prove myself to be everything I thought I possibly had the potential to maybe be one day. And, before you read on and think that I'm chatting rubbish, if you are not a teacher, this achievement will probably mean nothing to you. It is pretty awesome though.<br />
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So hell-to-the-yeah, I finally got an 'outstanding' grading in a lesson observation! I didn't fall to pieces when being observed, I didn't do random stupid things that I have never ever done before but seem to save just for when I'm being watched, I did everything exactly as planned. "Faultless", apparently.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQjYs2kKC8-Q4dEWw1eQmKhFL9GuSewiv3B-8t-nOrjYzX7AInUKbfcQUv6HO6uZQBhrbMkTxsGLrx5U0kJw5DdqzarFcZAMKJdbm1nkKWxhKUUfD8mq4hYYKD29u3BAvzT8jZjYO-CE8/s1600/happy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQjYs2kKC8-Q4dEWw1eQmKhFL9GuSewiv3B-8t-nOrjYzX7AInUKbfcQUv6HO6uZQBhrbMkTxsGLrx5U0kJw5DdqzarFcZAMKJdbm1nkKWxhKUUfD8mq4hYYKD29u3BAvzT8jZjYO-CE8/s320/happy.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
I finally proved I could do it! I knew I could, even when I was told on my final teaching placement during my degree that I should probably find another career path because I was useless at teaching, I knew that being in it for the right reasons, having a clear idea of the sort of teacher I wanted to be and putting in (a lot!) of hard work would pay off. I knew I could be that teacher, I bloody-well knew it and right now I am so, so happy. I know that this isn't it, that I have lots to do because that is only in two subjects, but still, it proves I can do it and I am amazingly happy about it.<br />
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So, a non-moaning blog post! Proud or what? :DSummer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-68340786442401616682012-10-18T16:32:00.000+01:002012-10-18T20:03:36.599+01:00Thursday Thoughts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I am starting to love <a href="http://lovelovelovesar.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/thursday-thoughts-v40.html" target="_blank">Thursday Thoughts</a>, I love the reflection time.</div>
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This one speaks very true to me this week, and in the two days since I read it, the advice has done me a load of good. I need to remember this...Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-31732460882761951922012-10-13T22:50:00.001+01:002012-10-13T22:53:00.282+01:00I am so, so bored...I am up and down more than a see-saw at the moment, but basically, my life is crap. This is affecting my mood because I am either wandering around, forcing myself into a bubble of ignorance and pretending that everything is great, or I am fully embracing feeling sorry for myself, crying and moping on the sofa.<br />
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To cut a long, self-indulgent rant short, there is nothing massively wrong with my life. In the grand scheme of a word full of poverty, hunger, war, cancer etc, my life is pretty good and I feel guilty for feeling this way but I am just not happy. My relationship is pretty much over (a rant for another day), my confidence is shot, my career is at a stand-still and I have nothing to look forward to. With no prospect of a holiday, or even a significant event in the future (this side of May anyway, and that's a long way away) to keep my spirits up, I am finding every day a struggle - What exactly am I getting out of bed for every day? What do I have to look forward to to make the mundane daily routines bearable?<br />
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Answer to that: Sweet fuck all.<br />
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I still have no social life, my boyfriend has no time for me (or, rather, is not making time for me - I think he's doing that thing where he pushes me away so I dump him so that he doesn't have to) and life is so incredibly boring I am on the verge of tears even thinking about it. I get up, do the same work routine when I get to school, then teach, then mark, then go home. Nothing more and nothing less, the exact same every day.<br />
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Surely, weekends are more exciting? No. Last week I was ill so missed the one social event of the term and all my friends are either in Plymouth or too busy with their real lives to bother with my petulant "I'm booooooooored" whining.<br />
<br />
However, last time I thought I may want more drama in my life, I was burgled. So perhaps the moral of the story is to shut up and appreciate the normality of my boring life.<br />
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I am actually starting to go mad. I need something to do, some excitement, or at least the prospect of some to get excited about? I could easily scream right now...<br />
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<br />Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-18901596148681232092012-10-13T14:53:00.000+01:002012-10-18T20:20:50.668+01:00Quote of the day.<span style="font-size: large;">“It often occurs that pride and selfishness are muddled with strength and independence. They are neither equal nor similar; in fact, they are polar opposites. A coward may be so cowardly that he masks his weakness with some false personification of power. He is afraid to love and to be loved because love tends to strip bare all emotional barricades. Without love, strength and independence are prone to losing every bit of their worth; they become nothing more than a fearful, intimidated, empty tent lost somewhere in the desert of self.”</span><br />
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- Criss JamiSummer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-59742473475555858162012-10-01T20:52:00.000+01:002012-10-01T20:53:09.661+01:00Exhausted.I have never, ever felt totally worn out before. That is, until today.<br />
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Yes, I've been the sort of tired when you can barely hold your eyes open, but I've never felt this drained of energy before and been in a position where you just have to keep powering on. And yes, I've felt ill before, but I've never felt ill purely because I have absolutely no energy left. I can almost feel myself getting more and more ill with each passing hour, as if my body has nothing left to keep the manky child germs at bay.<br />
<br />
I am tired like I have never known before. I've become an emotional bag of crazy as a consequence and the combination of the two are not doing much for my career. I cried to my headteacher today for taking a table away from my classroom (ok, the story has slightly more to it than that but of course I can't break confidentiality) and so, generally, am making myself look like a complete idiot. All because I'm tired.<br />
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My 'New Years Resolution', the one I set at the start of the school year, was to have a work-life balance this year. It is, however, more stress than it is worth. It means I'm trying to do everything - be the sort of teacher I want to be, have a social life and take up a new hobby - I literally cannot do everything and it is completely crushing me.<br />
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So, I have had to take a step back this evening. I literally walked away from it all, walked home and have been sat on my sofa, moving only to retrieve a crappy (but yum) ready-meal from the microwave and to go and have a nice long, hot bath. Kindle, laptop and rubbishy telly. My headache has gone, I'm not on the verge of tears and I can actually face the thought of going to school tomorrow.<br />
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Much better. However, I am going to bed now...Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-85243585973061072142012-08-30T15:05:00.000+01:002012-08-30T15:38:53.595+01:00Thursday Thoughts.<div style="text-align: left;">
Only one thought today...</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Beware your thoughts, for they become your words;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Beware your words, for they become your actions;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Beware your actions, for they become your habits;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Beware your habits, for they become your character;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">Beware your character, for therein lies your destiny.</span></div>
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I know that I shared this quote once before, but I need the reminder as I head into my second year of teaching, so I thought I'd share it again seeing as it's been on my mind today. Plus, I thought I could share it <span style="text-align: center;">with Thursday Thoughts blog hop which I'm joining in with for the first time today. </span></div>
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Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-41763902178852957522012-08-29T22:51:00.001+01:002012-08-30T14:52:08.050+01:00New Years Resolutions.Um, what? It's August...<br />
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Well, I'm a teacher so as far as I'm concerned, the year starts in September. I will never be the owner of a conventional diary or calendar, it will always be a mid-year to mid-year diary and I will never feel as positive on January 1st as I do on September 1st. Not unlike the real new year, however, no doubt the positivity will have faded by the 15th of the month once I've abandoned all of the following New Years Resolutions and realised that this year will be the same as last, only with smaller children (I'm teaching Year 1 this year rather than Year 3. Half the size, half the attitude, double the fun!).<br />
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So here they are. The things I want to achieve this year:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Have an 'outstanding' lesson observed;</li>
<li>Establish more of a work-life balance and see my friends during term time;</li>
<li>Also take time out to get back into sport. It's been too long...;</li>
<li>Get all my work done during the week to have the weekend off;</li>
<li>Try to restore some sort of working relationship with my headteacher;</li>
<li>Prove that I deserved the job I have...</li>
</ul>
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So, another busy year, although hopefully an easier one. Here we go again!</div>
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<br />Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-12055384576324449432012-08-11T15:53:00.003+01:002012-08-11T15:54:00.109+01:00Six months later.<i>(Disclaimer - this is a very uncharacteristic post for me, as it's not a moan or a bitch. It's actually pretty soppy. If you do not like a PDA, then this will make you vomit. You have been warned...)</i><br />
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So, six months have been and gone with Mr A. Don't get me wrong, it's hardly been a fairytale, with ups and downs and a fair few "he's an idiot" moments (and I'm sure this feeling would be reciprocal, if he were to have his say), but things are now absolutely amazing. I'm finally in a relationship I enjoy being in, without being controlled or changed, and my life is still very much my own. I don't have any of the anxiety I usually have in relationships because I still decide what I want to do and am in no way having any decisions about my life made for me.<br />
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We bounce off of each other, have such a laugh together and are definitely in love. Actual, real love; love like neither one of us has experienced before. He told me five months ago that he didn't know what "love" was, but now I know he does. He tells me, yes, but I can also tell from the way he looks at me. When I'm cooking or just sorting out some washing or something equally mundane, I sometimes catch him watching me with these amazing eyes and a unique smile, one I only ever see when he's about to tell me he loves me. So I know, and so does he. And he's even beginning to open up with the soppy stuff. When I went back to Plymouth for a week earlier in the holidays, when I got back, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "don't ever go away for that long again".<br />
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This, coming from a guy who would, six months ago, never have said anything even remotely soppy, and I know things are good. I feel more secure now, having felt quite insecure in the first place due to his constant desire to keep me at a distance, refusing to admit that he actually liked me, but now all that silly crap has stopped, he's opened up, I'm more able to open up and things are really amazing.<br />
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He is even meeting my family next week. I'm so nervous I may cry, although I don't know why. My family have been lovely to much worse guys than Mr. A in the past, and I'm sure he will be fine. I guess I just <i>really</i> want them to like this one, you know?<br />
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So what is the point of this post? Just to document the passing of the last six months and to admit to you lot that, as much as I moan and bitch sometimes, I am actually very happy. I'm in a relationship with a guy who I adore, who adores me, who makes me better and who will never try to change me.<br />
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Happy Summer :)Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-85093883035564928032012-08-06T21:24:00.002+01:002012-08-06T21:24:53.246+01:00DefaultI have blogged before about being <a href="http://summerdreamsx.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/ruthless.html" target="_blank">ruthless</a>, and always getting what I want. Not in a bad way, and I have never ever screwed anyone over to get to where I am, I just work hard and know what I need to do to get it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there has been some sucking up through the years, but nothing worse.<br />
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Well, right now, I have got, again, exactly what I wanted. I got the promotion I wanted, and I got the year group I wanted for September, even though when I asked for it I was originally told that I couldn't move because as I've just finished my first year of teaching it's best to stay in the same year group to consolidate what was learnt the year before. Fair enough, I thought, or at least until my next run-in with my headteacher.<br />
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Basically, I got moved to the year group I actually wanted. Why the change of heart? Because no-one else wanted it and the job came up, so when it came to making life harder for someone (because, as glad as I am, it is hard to teach in a new year group after only one year of teaching) it had to be me. Serves me right for pissing off my headteacher (that's a story I didn't tell on here for obvious reasons, but it happened a while ago. I didn't do anything, but accusations were thrown around and blah blah blah, insertschoolpoliticshere, I am now somewhat in the doghouse).<br />
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Oh, and the promotion? Again, I got the promotion I wanted, but because no-one else applied.<br />
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So, all in all, yes I have what I wanted. But, without wanting to sound like a spoilt madam, I'm not happy about it. I didn't get what I wanted because I earned it or because I tried hard and worked for it, I got it all through default.<br />
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That's not how I want to get anything in my life. I work damned hard, I always try to be the best I can at everything I do (with insanely high expectations, often impossibly high) and that has so far given me everything I want. So right now, I'm pissed off. I hate that I didn't deserve these things.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, I will make the best of it and I will show that I did deserve these opportunities, but I shouldn't have to do that in retrospect.<br />
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This realisation has somewhat soured the summer for me. I'm not looking forward to September now...<br />
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Am I being ungrateful to think this way? I don't know... I don't think I am?Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-40537340467195117882012-07-30T22:58:00.001+01:002012-08-11T16:04:56.149+01:00Memories.Sorry I haven't blogged much recently, it's been a busy month. A hard month too, actually.<br />
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I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)<br />
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I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.<br />
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As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:<br />
<br />
1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)<br />
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2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.<br />
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3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I <u>have</u> achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.<br />
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4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.<br />
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5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.<br />
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No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.<br />
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On that note...Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-15028415184397805252012-06-29T23:37:00.001+01:002012-06-29T23:37:58.753+01:00A funeral.My Grandad died, rather suddenly, on Wednesday. Obviously, it has been a horrible time, but today was the worst. He's Jewish, and so I had my first experience of a Jewish funeral.<br />
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And seriously, I don't mean to offend anyone who is Jewish, but I hated it. Funerals in general are obviously horrible, but I hated these traditions even more. I hate the fact that they are all about misery and sorrow instead of celebration of their life, and all symbols of happiness (colour, flowers etc) are forbidden and I hate the fact that the people who go to the funeral bury the coffin. It was horrible, and so unlike my Grandad. My Grandad would have wanted a big party with everyone laughing, having a good time, singing and wearing silly hats, and instead we had to go for 45 minutes and wallow in self-pity. It was SO unlike him, he always loved to laugh and make others smile, and I hated it.<br />
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On the other hand, even though they only had 48 hours notice, best part of 100 people showed up. This does go against Jewish tradition, which states only close family should be present, but my Grandad would have wanted others there. They all had such lovely things to say about him, and it was wonderful to see how many lives he touched. He was a very busy man, involved in so many things, always helping others and it was such a tribute to see so many people there.<br />
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We then held a small wake, with only very close family, again against tradition, but my Grandad always loved a good buffet at a funeral. I think we did him proud, eating lovely food, not touching a drop of alcohol, and sharing lovely memories. We've all had a cheerful afternoon actually, after the funeral, sharing memories and playing silly games.<br />
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We even invented, what sounds like, a pretty sick game, but it is so typical of my family to turn sorrow into joy and laughter. We play 'snap' with the sympathy cards - we have over 60 and so are now getting many duplicate cards. The first person to spot a duplicate card when my Grandma opens a new one, points at it and yells "SNAP" and gets a point. It sounds quite inappropriate, but if he were here, my Grandad would be the first to join in. We always want to laugh in our family, and we're probably the only family in the world who could sit and laugh when opening sympathy cards. It really is what he would have wanted though, he was such a positive and vibrant person. There was never a dull minute with him around, and we will never lose that.<br />
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I miss you, you batty old git. I hope you liked my eulogy <3<br />
<br />Summer-Clairehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06141455029527492481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7102674209649826601.post-62088162860248560182012-06-19T20:49:00.000+01:002012-08-30T15:06:34.547+01:00Seriously, ladies, why do we do this to ourselves?!Men are actual assholes.<br />
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Now, this may not be a revelation to most of you, but it is to me. Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of idiot men treating me like rubbish at times, but last night I saw what other people talk about.<br />
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To cut a long story short, my Grandad is ill. Really ill, and I'm going home this weekend to see him because, realistically, it will be the last time he is in any fit state to see me as he is already on a lot of pain medication, if not the last time at all. So, because of this, I rang my boyfriend and asked if, on Sunday night when I get home, he would come over and spend the evening with me to cheer me up, keep me company, give me a cuddle etc after a bad weekend. He said no, the football is on.<br />
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And the worst thing is? After sharing this story with a couple of friends at school, their response was neither shock nor horror. Nope, something I can only describe as acceptance. This is, apparently, "what men do".<br />
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Seriously girls, since when has this kind of behaviour been acceptable?! Why is it ok for guys to treat us like that, to talk to us like that, and more importantly, why do we let them? Why do I know that I should tell my boyfriend where to shove it (because, let's face it, we haven't been together for long enough for me to be putting up with this crap), yet don't? Why do we all just shrug it off as "what men do"?<br />
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(Not that I shrugged it off, I was actually upset. And then angry. And then settled on a combination of the both.)<br />
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But, let's face facts for a moment here girls: this is why they do it - because we don't call them on it. We don't tell them to piss off when they treat us like crap, therefore making the behaviour 'acceptable', and we all write it off as 'typical'. Typical doesn't mean it is ok. <u>This</u> is really not ok, and we deserve better than this, girls, we really do. We wouldn't get away with treating our boyfriends like this, so why is it ok for them? Fuck double standards, it's not good enough in this day and age.<br />
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Moral of this story: worship the ground I walk on and treat me like I'm the most important thing in the world or fuck off.<br />
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Your call, assholes.<br />
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Oh, and, if you are a guy and reading this, for the love of God, learn from the mistakes of your fellow man. And do not think that a box of Jelly Babies will suffice as an apology. I mean, are you all this thick?<br />
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