Friday, 22 March 2013

Freaking out.

I am being forced to move house, because, let's face it, two burglaries in four months really was enough. I'm moving in with other people for the first time since living with people in university halls put me off, but only for 5 months because in the middle of all that, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him which will happen in August, after his tenancy has ended.

And, despite all of that, I do not want to move. I really, really do not want to move. I love this horrible, unsafe, scabby little flat so much because it was mine - It was the place I chose on my own, it was the place I bought my furniture for, it was the place I had been working towards having since I left school. It's beautiful, quiet and even though it's far away from just about everywhere, obviously unsafe, has dreadful carpets and curtains and I have annoying neighbours, I love it. I love living here, and I love living on my own. Other people are annoying, want to talk all the time, judge me from sitting on the sofa all day at the weekend, judge what I eat, judge what I do or do not do... I literally cannot think of anything worse than living with other people, my boyfriend included and all in all, I don't want any of this to be happening, not even a little bit.

Living with other people is like being on show all of the time. I can't spend all day on the sofa if I want to, I can't eat nutella from the jar for dinner if I have other people to feed too, I can't walk around with my Diana Ross-style natural hair without straightening it, I can't set my alarm for 20 minutes before the time I actually need to get up and press the 'sleep' button repeatedly, I can't put my deodorant on and then get back into bed when it's too cold to stand around and wait for it to dry, I can't spend whole evenings sat using the internet, I can't get up at the time I want to get up at weekends, I can't bleach my moustache and still wander around doing other things, I can't decorate the way I want to...

Generally, I am too selfish to live with people and my boyfriend rarely lets me get my own way, so I will be living his life AND I DON'T WANT TO. I don't care how many of my friends and family keep talking about me behind my back (although, fair play, they do tell me what they say to my face later) because apparently going out with someone for 12 months and not wanting to live together is weird, or not even living with someone by the age of 24 is weird, I DO NOT CARE. I LOVE LIVING ON MY OWN AND I LOVE HAVING MY OWN THINGS AND MY OWN LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO MOVE AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE.

I literally cry every time I think about it. I do not want any of this to be happening. I want to stay here in my own comfort zone, living my own life. I don't want this, any of it.

Someone make it stop, please?


Akirah said...

Woah. It sounds like you maybe shouldn't move in with him? I don't know the whole situation, of course, but if you're having this much down and bad feelings about it, it might not be the best move to make. You should feel safe and comfortable in your home! Maybe you guys will get to that point and after five months you'll feel better about it, but seriously trust your gut on this one! Moving in with someone should be a little nerve-wracking, but definitely exciting too.

I hope it all works out.

Akirah said...



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