Saturday, 26 May 2012

Nothing to say.

I wish I had something to blog about, but I don't. I only ever seem to blog  to moan at the moment and I don't want to keep writing grumpy post after grumpy post. But I'm still feeling homesick, feeling a bit down about my career, friendships and my relationship and generally just feeling crap about myself.

I don't really know where it has come from. I feel like I got out of bed on the wrong side a fortnight ago and haven't managed to sort my head out yet. I'm starting to irritate myself because I want to be able to shrug off the little things and see the positives like I would normally do, but I feel I'm being snowed under by too many 'little' things.

I need a distraction, something to look forward to. There is nothing ahead to get excited about and after the excitement of so many things in the last couple of months, it is a bit of a downer.

Life has gotten a bit boring, to be honest. But I'm not sure what I can do about it to snap myself out of this mood without the prospect of anything on the horizon...

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

I wish I had someone here.

Today is the first time since moving to London that I have wished I lived with someone. I suddenly feel really lonely and I wish I'd had someone to chat to this evening.

I don't know where this has come from; feeling lonely is a rare emotion as far as I'm concerned, I've always been happy with my own company or had friends or a boyfriend to spend time with. I guess here I don't quite have that yet, and even my boyfriend is an absolute pain to make plans with and very rarely has time for spontaneous plans.

You see, today, I just wanted to go out and enjoy the beautiful sunshine. Maybe a walk along the river, sitting in the park, having a cheeky cider in a beer garden or something similar. If I still lived in Devon, I'd be packing piles of marking into the car and heading towards the coast, onto the moors or even out in the garden and would have family or friends to accompany me. But, here? Not so much - my friendships and relationships aren't that well established yet that I could do that.

I suppose I'm feeling a bit homesick at the thought of a beautiful week and weekend of weather with no-one to go and enjoy it with. And it's just not quite the same to go alone, although no doubt I will anyway.

I've never felt sad in the sunshine before. It normally never fails to make me smile; it's what keeps me going through the horrible, cold winter months which I hate with an absolute passion. Maybe with nothing to look forward to for the rest of the year it suddenly means nothing? Makes no difference?

I hope the rest of the summer is better. Maybe I need to find something to get excited about after the huge emotional climax of the weekend-before-last...

Sunday, 20 May 2012

The end of an era.

Last weekend was, without wanting to sound dramatic, the end of an era.

My dearest friend got married on Saturday in the most beautiful of settings (the photo shows the field above the church where we went for photos) and the day really was wonderful. The bride looked absolutely stunning, the weather could not have been more perfect and everyone had an absolutely amazing time. I cried as they walked back up the aisle to "we go together" from Grease, a film which will always remind me of being eight-years-old and the two of us dancing round my front room at a sleep over. But anyway, it really was a truly amazing day and the perfect start to what I am sure will be a very long and happy life together. I love you two!

The weekend was, however, even more amazing than that because earlier in the day, the last 17 years of my life finally came to an end.

You see, my Mum has often made my life difficult since my Dad left seventeen years ago. She has refused to be in the same room as him, spent hours slagging off him and his partner (whom she has affectionately named 'slag-bag'), told me that if I were to get married HE would not be invited, HE would not be coming to my graduation, she would not go to my Grandad's funeral because THEY would be there... and suddenly, this weekend, it all finished.

My Mum, after a discussion about my Dad and a few legal things which are happening between them, said the following:

"I don't hate your Dad."

"I don't hate (name) either" (She did say her actual name for the first time in 17 years, although for the sake of being anonymous I won't type it here)

"I have no objection to being in a room with them."

And suddenly every worry I have ever had about my future disappeared. I could get married, I could christen my children, I could go to my grandparents funerals with both of my parents there, my brother can graduate without the hassle that I had... all of the anger has finally, after seventeen years, gone and she has finally accepted the situation. Life is so much less complicated now, and suddenly a world of possibilities for my future have opened up. I had always assumed I could never have a big wedding, if get married at all, and the thought of having children and having to keep all the celebrations separate was enough to put me off the idea for life yet, now...? It could happen. It's finally all over, and after that weekend, I literally could not be any happier.

Life is finally working out...

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Why does my life not have a 'sync' button?

My whole life is out of sync again. I'm not sure what it should be in sync with, I guess routine and normality, but regardless, it's not right.

What with Thursday being a polling day, so we had no school, and Monday being a bank holiday and the consequential timetable changes, my work feels very much up in the air and I feel out of touch with it all. I hope the rest of this week brings me back down to Earth, although I am so confused as to what day of the week it is (do bank holidays screw with everyone like this, or is it just me?) that it might take a few days.

Everything pretty much fell apart with Mr A this weekend too. I don't really know what happened, why it happened or what is happening now, and honestly, I was slightly confused about 'us' and what he wanted to begin with, so God knows what's going on there. It really got me down this weekend but, you know what, if he doesn't want to be with me then fine, it's his loss, right? And if, on the other hand, he does want to be with me then I'm ready to throw my whole self into things (because I am ridiculously, head-over heels in love with the stupid idiot), but that's his decision. No point stressing about it until he's stopped playing games/sorted his head out or whatever he's doing.

Family things are the same as usual too. I just feel guilty for not being around more, even though I'm there as much as realistically possible.

Despite all of this, however, I just know that as crazy as things are in my life right now, things will sort themselves out. I am on a mission tonight/tomorrow to sort out the things which are in my control whilst I let everything else sort itself out around me, rather than letting it all drag me down.

Life is far too short for rubbish like this.