Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Warning: this is another rant. Sorry for so many, but I need the outlet again...
I have realised why I hate Christmas Day.
Christmas isn't about the presents; it's about spending time with your family and people you love. It's about those silly memories everyone has of their grandad falling asleep, of someone getting drunk, of someone dropping the alight Christmas pudding and all that whilst surrounded by people you love.
That's why I hate Christmas Day. No-one really wants me to be there.
Because my mum's boyfriend is the biggest dickhead to ever grace this earth, if I go to my mum's, he refuses to go and she gets pissed off. If I don't go, she misses me and, again, gets pissed off with me. My dad invites me out of pity because of the aforementioned situation. My grandma is roped into Christmas with the other side of the family, and my Nan is with my auntie in Kent. My boyfriend wants me to go one minute and then doesn't the next minute and was probably only inviting me out of pity in the first place, which is hardly making me feel wanted, and as a general sweeping statement, the whole situation is making me feel like absolute crap.
No-one really wants me there for Christmas. My decision lies between where I go, knowing that no one really gives a shit, knowing that whatever I do my mum will be pissed off, and knowing that as a consequence, I will have a shit day anyway.
I cannot think about it without wanting to burst into tears.
I am starting to realise more about why I hate Christmas...
6 weeks today and the crap will be over for another year, thank goodness.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
I have to say, as ridiculous as it sounds, one massive change for me has been the content on my iPod. I mean, there have been some great new albums out recently but, seriously, everyone needs to cheer up a bit! Yes, Ellie Goulding and Of Monsters and Men, I'm talking to you: your music is beautiful, but my goodness you don't half put a downer on my mood. I have had to ditch you all for cheerier music matter or the radio because otherwise I may have gone completely insane.
Plus, I have a social life for the coming tow months! Miracles do happen...
So, bring on the new half term: Bring me more chances to show what I can really do and bring on some fun! I will even endeavour to get into the Christmas spirit, despite my usual scroogeish nature and the upcoming rubbish Christmas Day which will be the normal anti-climax to the whole shebang.
Enjoy the next half term fellow teacher bloggers, and to others who exist outside of the academic calendar, enjoy what is left of your working year :)
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Christmas is in December.
STOP WITH THE CHRISTMAS ADVERTS IN NOVEMBER. And I swear to God, if I hear a single Christmas song in the next month, I will go nuts.
Why must people insist on dragging Christmas out? Admittedly, I am an absolute scrooge; I hate the stupid, expensive, commercial reasoning behind my being forced to spend a whole week of my life with my family who I only get on okay-ish with at the best of times. I hate spending my money on things that people don't actually want because I have to, I hate the fact that everyone else always gets excited because they have an awesome time whilst I am going to be going home to a week of boredom because there is nothing else to do, and, most of all, I hate the fact that this stupid season gets dragged out for months before, as if it isn't bad enough anyway.
I hate the fact that my Grandad won't be here this year.
I hate that Christmas makes me feel really alone.
Generally, I hate Christmas: an expensive, pointless way of making people feel like absolute crap.
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
But today, I had a good day. I felt like today was the culmination of the last year of my life and for the first time, I didn't cock up an opportunity to prove myself - I really did prove myself to be everything I thought I possibly had the potential to maybe be one day. And, before you read on and think that I'm chatting rubbish, if you are not a teacher, this achievement will probably mean nothing to you. It is pretty awesome though.
So hell-to-the-yeah, I finally got an 'outstanding' grading in a lesson observation! I didn't fall to pieces when being observed, I didn't do random stupid things that I have never ever done before but seem to save just for when I'm being watched, I did everything exactly as planned. "Faultless", apparently.
I finally proved I could do it! I knew I could, even when I was told on my final teaching placement during my degree that I should probably find another career path because I was useless at teaching, I knew that being in it for the right reasons, having a clear idea of the sort of teacher I wanted to be and putting in (a lot!) of hard work would pay off. I knew I could be that teacher, I bloody-well knew it and right now I am so, so happy. I know that this isn't it, that I have lots to do because that is only in two subjects, but still, it proves I can do it and I am amazingly happy about it.
So, a non-moaning blog post! Proud or what? :D
Thursday, 18 October 2012
This one speaks very true to me this week, and in the two days since I read it, the advice has done me a load of good. I need to remember this...
Saturday, 13 October 2012
To cut a long, self-indulgent rant short, there is nothing massively wrong with my life. In the grand scheme of a word full of poverty, hunger, war, cancer etc, my life is pretty good and I feel guilty for feeling this way but I am just not happy. My relationship is pretty much over (a rant for another day), my confidence is shot, my career is at a stand-still and I have nothing to look forward to. With no prospect of a holiday, or even a significant event in the future (this side of May anyway, and that's a long way away) to keep my spirits up, I am finding every day a struggle - What exactly am I getting out of bed for every day? What do I have to look forward to to make the mundane daily routines bearable?
Answer to that: Sweet fuck all.
I still have no social life, my boyfriend has no time for me (or, rather, is not making time for me - I think he's doing that thing where he pushes me away so I dump him so that he doesn't have to) and life is so incredibly boring I am on the verge of tears even thinking about it. I get up, do the same work routine when I get to school, then teach, then mark, then go home. Nothing more and nothing less, the exact same every day.
However, last time I thought I may want more drama in my life, I was burgled. So perhaps the moral of the story is to shut up and appreciate the normality of my boring life.
I am actually starting to go mad. I need something to do, some excitement, or at least the prospect of some to get excited about? I could easily scream right now...
- Criss Jami
Monday, 1 October 2012
Yes, I've been the sort of tired when you can barely hold your eyes open, but I've never felt this drained of energy before and been in a position where you just have to keep powering on. And yes, I've felt ill before, but I've never felt ill purely because I have absolutely no energy left. I can almost feel myself getting more and more ill with each passing hour, as if my body has nothing left to keep the manky child germs at bay.
I am tired like I have never known before. I've become an emotional bag of crazy as a consequence and the combination of the two are not doing much for my career. I cried to my headteacher today for taking a table away from my classroom (ok, the story has slightly more to it than that but of course I can't break confidentiality) and so, generally, am making myself look like a complete idiot. All because I'm tired.
So, I have had to take a step back this evening. I literally walked away from it all, walked home and have been sat on my sofa, moving only to retrieve a crappy (but yum) ready-meal from the microwave and to go and have a nice long, hot bath. Kindle, laptop and rubbishy telly. My headache has gone, I'm not on the verge of tears and I can actually face the thought of going to school tomorrow.
Much better. However, I am going to bed now...
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
Well, I'm a teacher so as far as I'm concerned, the year starts in September. I will never be the owner of a conventional diary or calendar, it will always be a mid-year to mid-year diary and I will never feel as positive on January 1st as I do on September 1st. Not unlike the real new year, however, no doubt the positivity will have faded by the 15th of the month once I've abandoned all of the following New Years Resolutions and realised that this year will be the same as last, only with smaller children (I'm teaching Year 1 this year rather than Year 3. Half the size, half the attitude, double the fun!).
So here they are. The things I want to achieve this year:
- Have an 'outstanding' lesson observed;
- Establish more of a work-life balance and see my friends during term time;
- Also take time out to get back into sport. It's been too long...;
- Get all my work done during the week to have the weekend off;
- Try to restore some sort of working relationship with my headteacher;
- Prove that I deserved the job I have...
So, another busy year, although hopefully an easier one. Here we go again!
Saturday, 11 August 2012
We bounce off of each other, have such a laugh together and are definitely in love. Actual, real love; love like neither one of us has experienced before. He told me five months ago that he didn't know what "love" was, but now I know he does. He tells me, yes, but I can also tell from the way he looks at me. When I'm cooking or just sorting out some washing or something equally mundane, I sometimes catch him watching me with these amazing eyes and a unique smile, one I only ever see when he's about to tell me he loves me. So I know, and so does he. And he's even beginning to open up with the soppy stuff. When I went back to Plymouth for a week earlier in the holidays, when I got back, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "don't ever go away for that long again".
This, coming from a guy who would, six months ago, never have said anything even remotely soppy, and I know things are good. I feel more secure now, having felt quite insecure in the first place due to his constant desire to keep me at a distance, refusing to admit that he actually liked me, but now all that silly crap has stopped, he's opened up, I'm more able to open up and things are really amazing.
He is even meeting my family next week. I'm so nervous I may cry, although I don't know why. My family have been lovely to much worse guys than Mr. A in the past, and I'm sure he will be fine. I guess I just really want them to like this one, you know?
So what is the point of this post? Just to document the passing of the last six months and to admit to you lot that, as much as I moan and bitch sometimes, I am actually very happy. I'm in a relationship with a guy who I adore, who adores me, who makes me better and who will never try to change me.
Happy Summer :)
Monday, 6 August 2012
Well, right now, I have got, again, exactly what I wanted. I got the promotion I wanted, and I got the year group I wanted for September, even though when I asked for it I was originally told that I couldn't move because as I've just finished my first year of teaching it's best to stay in the same year group to consolidate what was learnt the year before. Fair enough, I thought, or at least until my next run-in with my headteacher.
Basically, I got moved to the year group I actually wanted. Why the change of heart? Because no-one else wanted it and the job came up, so when it came to making life harder for someone (because, as glad as I am, it is hard to teach in a new year group after only one year of teaching) it had to be me. Serves me right for pissing off my headteacher (that's a story I didn't tell on here for obvious reasons, but it happened a while ago. I didn't do anything, but accusations were thrown around and blah blah blah, insertschoolpoliticshere, I am now somewhat in the doghouse).
Oh, and the promotion? Again, I got the promotion I wanted, but because no-one else applied.
So, all in all, yes I have what I wanted. But, without wanting to sound like a spoilt madam, I'm not happy about it. I didn't get what I wanted because I earned it or because I tried hard and worked for it, I got it all through default.
That's not how I want to get anything in my life. I work damned hard, I always try to be the best I can at everything I do (with insanely high expectations, often impossibly high) and that has so far given me everything I want. So right now, I'm pissed off. I hate that I didn't deserve these things.
Don't get me wrong, I will make the best of it and I will show that I did deserve these opportunities, but I shouldn't have to do that in retrospect.
This realisation has somewhat soured the summer for me. I'm not looking forward to September now...
Am I being ungrateful to think this way? I don't know... I don't think I am?
Monday, 30 July 2012
I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)
I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.
As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:
1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)
2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.
3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I have achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.
4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.
5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.
No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.
On that note...
Friday, 29 June 2012
And seriously, I don't mean to offend anyone who is Jewish, but I hated it. Funerals in general are obviously horrible, but I hated these traditions even more. I hate the fact that they are all about misery and sorrow instead of celebration of their life, and all symbols of happiness (colour, flowers etc) are forbidden and I hate the fact that the people who go to the funeral bury the coffin. It was horrible, and so unlike my Grandad. My Grandad would have wanted a big party with everyone laughing, having a good time, singing and wearing silly hats, and instead we had to go for 45 minutes and wallow in self-pity. It was SO unlike him, he always loved to laugh and make others smile, and I hated it.
On the other hand, even though they only had 48 hours notice, best part of 100 people showed up. This does go against Jewish tradition, which states only close family should be present, but my Grandad would have wanted others there. They all had such lovely things to say about him, and it was wonderful to see how many lives he touched. He was a very busy man, involved in so many things, always helping others and it was such a tribute to see so many people there.
We then held a small wake, with only very close family, again against tradition, but my Grandad always loved a good buffet at a funeral. I think we did him proud, eating lovely food, not touching a drop of alcohol, and sharing lovely memories. We've all had a cheerful afternoon actually, after the funeral, sharing memories and playing silly games.
We even invented, what sounds like, a pretty sick game, but it is so typical of my family to turn sorrow into joy and laughter. We play 'snap' with the sympathy cards - we have over 60 and so are now getting many duplicate cards. The first person to spot a duplicate card when my Grandma opens a new one, points at it and yells "SNAP" and gets a point. It sounds quite inappropriate, but if he were here, my Grandad would be the first to join in. We always want to laugh in our family, and we're probably the only family in the world who could sit and laugh when opening sympathy cards. It really is what he would have wanted though, he was such a positive and vibrant person. There was never a dull minute with him around, and we will never lose that.
I miss you, you batty old git. I hope you liked my eulogy <3
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Now, this may not be a revelation to most of you, but it is to me. Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of idiot men treating me like rubbish at times, but last night I saw what other people talk about.
To cut a long story short, my Grandad is ill. Really ill, and I'm going home this weekend to see him because, realistically, it will be the last time he is in any fit state to see me as he is already on a lot of pain medication, if not the last time at all. So, because of this, I rang my boyfriend and asked if, on Sunday night when I get home, he would come over and spend the evening with me to cheer me up, keep me company, give me a cuddle etc after a bad weekend. He said no, the football is on.
And the worst thing is? After sharing this story with a couple of friends at school, their response was neither shock nor horror. Nope, something I can only describe as acceptance. This is, apparently, "what men do".
Seriously girls, since when has this kind of behaviour been acceptable?! Why is it ok for guys to treat us like that, to talk to us like that, and more importantly, why do we let them? Why do I know that I should tell my boyfriend where to shove it (because, let's face it, we haven't been together for long enough for me to be putting up with this crap), yet don't? Why do we all just shrug it off as "what men do"?
(Not that I shrugged it off, I was actually upset. And then angry. And then settled on a combination of the both.)
But, let's face facts for a moment here girls: this is why they do it - because we don't call them on it. We don't tell them to piss off when they treat us like crap, therefore making the behaviour 'acceptable', and we all write it off as 'typical'. Typical doesn't mean it is ok. This is really not ok, and we deserve better than this, girls, we really do. We wouldn't get away with treating our boyfriends like this, so why is it ok for them? Fuck double standards, it's not good enough in this day and age.
Moral of this story: worship the ground I walk on and treat me like I'm the most important thing in the world or fuck off.
Your call, assholes.
Oh, and, if you are a guy and reading this, for the love of God, learn from the mistakes of your fellow man. And do not think that a box of Jelly Babies will suffice as an apology. I mean, are you all this thick?
Sunday, 17 June 2012
To go with it, I have a full-blown obsession with lists, post-it notes, notebooks and diaries, although I generally change my current organisational method/equipment at least once a month and so have notebooks and diaries all over the place which get picked up and used for a bit, before they are discarded in favour of something else. I also have meal lists on my fridge, as well as a meal planner running in one of the many diaries/notebooks I have to hand, and I have a constant 'life timetable' drawn up somewhere which I change everyday. I have a 6-week calendar in my classroom with all my arrangements and dates for the kids to look at, and write a 'weekly timetable' for my class each week, even though 8/10 weeks it is the same.
Ok, ok, I am obsessed.
Despite the aforementioned, I do, however, try to reign it in. I would quite happily have a different notebook each week, spending most of my disposable income in Paperchase, and could quite happily spend hours of my week making to do lists, rather than actually doing the things I am trying to do.
But, this week, I have decided to embrace it. I read another blog of a girl who has the same obsession and, as a consequence, has pretty much every diary/planner on the planet. She actually keeps 3, and whilst I always try to find one and keep that, because it doesn't give me room to do the obsessive things I like to do, I always wish I could have more than one. So hell, if other people do it, then I can too.
And anyway, I actually enjoy doing all of those silly things! Whilst it is an obsession because I feel very anxious if I don't have something written down telling me how to live my week, I don't see the harm in it. Being organised is a positive trait, right? It's definitely something I would list on my CV and it is something which has always helped me to stay in control.
If I want to have a bag full of notebooks to organise my life, then I'm going to do it. Keeping control of my life is difficult enough right now, if this is what I need then I'm doing it.
I will also be organising my classroom to within an inch of its life over the summer. My new classroom, that is (although that story is another post entirely, I shall blog when the 100% official confirmation is through).
I'm so going to Paperchase next weekend...
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
And I mean, everything is going really well. Career, relationships, friendships... Everything seems to be great right now, possibly too great. Something has to go wrong soon, right?
Who knows, maybe forcing myself to think in a more positive way and becoming proactive about changing my life has actually, for once, worked.
I have this above my desk at work and thought I'd share the advice. (By the way, check out the website - this is a great source of inspiration for anyone in the need of a boost.)
Friday, 8 June 2012
This means sorting out my career, my classroom, my flat, my friendships, my relationship.
I have until the end of the month to sort everything, otherwise I will go mad. This post is the evidence and the promise that I will sort all of those things.
It must be possible to do everything...
Thursday, 7 June 2012
So, tomorrow, true to form, I'm going to have my hair cut, want a new hairstyle and inevitably and will end up looking a) the same or b) horrible. I'm going to indulge my current serious girl-crush, Katy Perry, and go for this:
Now, I do realise that none of you know what I look like as I don't post personal photos, so couldn't tell me whether it will suit me or not, but I love the choppy layers and the side-fringe. It's so different to the normal smooth, plain and boring hairstyle I go for so I'm hoping it will appease my constant desire for a new hairstyle. Or at least do so for the next six months...
It's part of my plan to sort my life out and to make some changes, which I'm kick-starting next week. I will get a life, I will not sit and wallow in boredom...
Monday, 4 June 2012
But, when you are an adult, friendships don't fall into place that easily. Even at work, where I joined as one of 11 new staff last September, it still takes a lot of effort for any of us to meet up outside of school and our friendships, although good in school, aren't quite at that stage where I could just text someone today for a spontaneous cup of coffee or a cheeky drink down the local. It still takes planning and the whole "who else is coming?" conversation, because it has to be a group thing when you're still forming new friendships, at least a week in advance to make any sort of plans. And it sucks.
When the weather is nice (for example, last weekend), you want to be able to plan a quick picnic, drink in a beer garden or even a trip to the beach. You can't plan it in advance, because let's face it, the British weather isn't that predictable, but you need to have those sorts of friendships where you can just ring people, get in the car and go. The same applies when you suddenly find you have a spare afternoon: you want to have someone to ring and meet for a cup of tea, lunch, any sort of activity but without those friendships in place it is hard. You don't want to be the only one trying to make plans or the only one who is seemingly sad enough not to have anything to do so you just stay quiet.
I don't think it is just me being socially awkward? I do wonder if I am finding it harder because everyone else I have met has pre-existing friendships from their life before this year, whereas I don't have that. Not here anyway, and it is starting to bother me now. I thought things were turning around for me, I thought I was getting to know more people but it turns out we're only really friends as part of a group and the group has pretty much fallen apart this last week. Things have gotten too messy.
I'm feeling quite lonely here now, and it's only Monday of half term. I have another week yet, and then only six weeks in which to change this situation before I have a very lonely six week summer holiday.
How the hell do you make friendships as an adult?
(Although I have realised in writing this that maybe I need to be more organised with making plans in the first place. Something to focus on next half term...)
Saturday, 26 May 2012
I don't really know where it has come from. I feel like I got out of bed on the wrong side a fortnight ago and haven't managed to sort my head out yet. I'm starting to irritate myself because I want to be able to shrug off the little things and see the positives like I would normally do, but I feel I'm being snowed under by too many 'little' things.
I need a distraction, something to look forward to. There is nothing ahead to get excited about and after the excitement of so many things in the last couple of months, it is a bit of a downer.
Life has gotten a bit boring, to be honest. But I'm not sure what I can do about it to snap myself out of this mood without the prospect of anything on the horizon...
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
I don't know where this has come from; feeling lonely is a rare emotion as far as I'm concerned, I've always been happy with my own company or had friends or a boyfriend to spend time with. I guess here I don't quite have that yet, and even my boyfriend is an absolute pain to make plans with and very rarely has time for spontaneous plans.
You see, today, I just wanted to go out and enjoy the beautiful sunshine. Maybe a walk along the river, sitting in the park, having a cheeky cider in a beer garden or something similar. If I still lived in Devon, I'd be packing piles of marking into the car and heading towards the coast, onto the moors or even out in the garden and would have family or friends to accompany me. But, here? Not so much - my friendships and relationships aren't that well established yet that I could do that.
I suppose I'm feeling a bit homesick at the thought of a beautiful week and weekend of weather with no-one to go and enjoy it with. And it's just not quite the same to go alone, although no doubt I will anyway.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
My dearest friend got married on Saturday in the most beautiful of settings (the photo shows the field above the church where we went for photos) and the day really was wonderful. The bride looked absolutely stunning, the weather could not have been more perfect and everyone had an absolutely amazing time. I cried as they walked back up the aisle to "we go together" from Grease, a film which will always remind me of being eight-years-old and the two of us dancing round my front room at a sleep over. But anyway, it really was a truly amazing day and the perfect start to what I am sure will be a very long and happy life together. I love you two!
The weekend was, however, even more amazing than that because earlier in the day, the last 17 years of my life finally came to an end.
You see, my Mum has often made my life difficult since my Dad left seventeen years ago. She has refused to be in the same room as him, spent hours slagging off him and his partner (whom she has affectionately named 'slag-bag'), told me that if I were to get married HE would not be invited, HE would not be coming to my graduation, she would not go to my Grandad's funeral because THEY would be there... and suddenly, this weekend, it all finished.
My Mum, after a discussion about my Dad and a few legal things which are happening between them, said the following:
"I don't hate your Dad."
"I don't hate (name) either" (She did say her actual name for the first time in 17 years, although for the sake of being anonymous I won't type it here)
"I have no objection to being in a room with them."
And suddenly every worry I have ever had about my future disappeared. I could get married, I could christen my children, I could go to my grandparents funerals with both of my parents there, my brother can graduate without the hassle that I had... all of the anger has finally, after seventeen years, gone and she has finally accepted the situation. Life is so much less complicated now, and suddenly a world of possibilities for my future have opened up. I had always assumed I could never have a big wedding, if get married at all, and the thought of having children and having to keep all the celebrations separate was enough to put me off the idea for life yet, now...? It could happen. It's finally all over, and after that weekend, I literally could not be any happier.
Life is finally working out...
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
What with Thursday being a polling day, so we had no school, and Monday being a bank holiday and the consequential timetable changes, my work feels very much up in the air and I feel out of touch with it all. I hope the rest of this week brings me back down to Earth, although I am so confused as to what day of the week it is (do bank holidays screw with everyone like this, or is it just me?) that it might take a few days.
Everything pretty much fell apart with Mr A this weekend too. I don't really know what happened, why it happened or what is happening now, and honestly, I was slightly confused about 'us' and what he wanted to begin with, so God knows what's going on there. It really got me down this weekend but, you know what, if he doesn't want to be with me then fine, it's his loss, right? And if, on the other hand, he does want to be with me then I'm ready to throw my whole self into things (because I am ridiculously, head-over heels in love with the stupid idiot), but that's his decision. No point stressing about it until he's stopped playing games/sorted his head out or whatever he's doing.
Family things are the same as usual too. I just feel guilty for not being around more, even though I'm there as much as realistically possible.
Despite all of this, however, I just know that as crazy as things are in my life right now, things will sort themselves out. I am on a mission tonight/tomorrow to sort out the things which are in my control whilst I let everything else sort itself out around me, rather than letting it all drag me down.
Life is far too short for rubbish like this.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Saturday, 14 April 2012
It's been a long time since I've felt as bad as I did and I'm so, so glad I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel confident again, as if I can actually do what I have set out to do and not only that, I have the motivation to put the work in again. I've remembered why I like my job, I remember what I am good at and know how to tackle the things I need to get better at, rather than letting them drag me down and define me. I really am feeling a million times better now, ready to kick some serious butt this term.
No matter who gets me down, no matter what challenges I have to face, I will not let anyone or anything drag me down. I will make it a whole term without crying...
This is my pick-me-up anthem of the moment.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
In all seriousness, I am much clearer on things now than I was yesterday. Thank you so much to everyone who commented and reassured me that I was at least, in some parts, right and that I should not settle for someone who was settling with me... if that makes sense.
I had a discussion with him last night about it all, and he was upset that I had been upset by it. He told me that we don't need words and names to describe how we're feeling because he knows that he likes me more than he has ever liked anyone before, that I'm the only person he's ever wanted to see as much, the only person he has ever enjoyed sleeping in the same bed with and the only person things have ever felt this easy with. Whether I believe him or not, he knows that he loves me and that even if I don't believe him now that he's going to convince me.
He is so right (although don't tell him that I said that). We're both happy, that's all that matters.
I'm more than happy. They haven't invented words for how happy I am with things so far. We just fit, we want the same things from life and each other, we feel the same things and that's what's important. Not the words that we put on things.
So, thanks brain. You've served me well thus far but I think we are pretty much done here.
(Maybe jump in if I'm about to do something stupid though, yeah? Don't let me ignore any red-alerts...)
Monday, 9 April 2012
Then, this morning in a different conversation, he said he didn't know what love was. So, I called him on it. I asked him why he was so desperate to hear me say that I loved him if he had no intention of saying it back to me. He then asked how I was so sure that he wouldn't say it to me, so we had a bit of a discussion.
He said that he doesn't know what love is, but he was with someone for 4 years so that must have been love. He thinks that he couldn't possibly like me any more than he already does, so that must be love, but that he doesn't know what love is and he's just assuming this is it.
I tried to convince him that he's wrong - if you have any doubts, have to think about it or somehow convince yourself that you are in love then that just is not it, but he wasn't having any of it. He's adamant that as much as he likes me now, that's as much as it's ever possible to like anyone, but yet he still thinks love doesn't exist.
That can't be it, surely? Don't get me wrong, I have never been in love before. Not really, and I guess the reason I walked away from relationships which were 'ok', or 'good enough' despite the person I was with being in love with me was because I thought love was this amazing feeling which completely changes everything and it was something worth taking a risk to have. It's this thing which erases all doubts, it takes over every thought in your mind and makes you feel that kind of scared which is actually good for you. When you are with them, you feel like you are the only and most amazing girl in a packed room, you feel as if nothing you could do or say would ruin things because you are on a pedestal in their eyes and not only that, but they make you believe it is actually true, no matter what you think of yourself.
Maybe I have been raised on too many Disney films, but that has to be true, it just can't be any other way. Thinking about couples I know, just having strong feelings for each other can't be enough to spend 53 years with someone who must drive you round the bend most of the time; to forgive them when they betray you or to hurt so much when they do that even 17 years won't be long enough for you to get over it; to be prepared to change your whole life and move to a different continent just to wake up next to them every day; to wait by their bedside for years whilst their mind and body are gradually destroyed... just liking someone a lot is not enough to put up with those things so that absolutely, 110% cannot be it. It just can't be.
Anyway, love must exist. I see it in my Grandparents. I see the strength my Grandma shows when my Grandad goes for his cancer treatment, I see the resilience she shows to him having become increasingly deaf through the years, to the strange and inexplicable things he does more and more often. Love must be the only thing that stopped her battering the daft git half to death years ago, it's the reason she cries herself to sleep now and the reason that she always stands up for him, no matter how insane he has been... Love does those things, not "like". Like just isn't powerful enough.
Call me an old romantic, and I didn't think that I was, but I refuse to believe what he says.
Someone please tell me that I'm right and that it's worth waiting for, worth fighting for... please?
|Probably not the "Disney love" I meant thanks, Google...|
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Sunday, 18 March 2012
I came back to Plymouth to see everyone for the first time in 8 weeks but I had missed nothing. No-one has been out on a night out, celebrated anything or even met for a coffee in that time and whilst it's great to think that I haven't missed anything, it was sad to realise that this is how "grown up" friendships actually work: Hardly seeing each other because we're so busy working, so tired when we do meet that we can't be bothered to go out and (the other girls more so than me) spending most of our free time with boyfriends.
I guess this is what growing up feels like, or so my mum said.
Plus, I now feel like the odd one out for not being in a "serious relationship", whatever the hell that means, whereas only 18 months ago I was the odd one for being in one. Because I'm not desperate to get married in the next 2 years or not even in a relationship which is anything more than casual, I now get the patronising, "ahh, well, that's ok..." comments which suddenly make me feel like I'm strange.
Am I strange for not wanting those things yet? For not wanting to be tied down? For wanting to be able to take any opportunity which comes my way without having to worry about someone else? For not wanting to be held back, or potentially hold someone else back? Don't get me wrong, I love being in a couple again but I couldn't go back to the ties and commitments I found myself in before. I've just turned 23 for goodness sake, why am I the odd one out for not being in a rush to grow up? Don't get me wrong, I'm SO happy my friends are happy and feel ready for that commitment, but we're young, surely it's ok not to want that?
I don't really know who I am yet, never mind be sure what I want for the future. That isn't really that unusual, surely?
Saturday, 17 March 2012
We're all human, right?
For the last couple of weeks I have been finding it hard to stay positive. Life has gotten quite hard, and not because things are bad, but just because there is suddenly a lot of pressure from every avenue of my life (work, friends, health, relationships) and this has made me feel much less like my self. For example, earlier this week I spent 48 hours crying, almost constantly, and that is so unlike me. Normally, even when I'm in a shit mood I strop around the house like a grumpy toddler before eventually picking myself up, but this didn't happen. I also found myself with no inclination to work, chat with friends, blog... all those things I usually love. Things were just not right in my life; for the first time in ages I felt truly awful.
Today, however, I'm feeling much better. Yesterday was my birthday and I had a lovely day, feeling really loved and appreciated by everyone in my life. It really made me smile, and today I have had a lot of fun meeting friends, planning hen dos and taking some 'Extreme Reading' photos for my class (I wish I could share them, I actually got to go in an Ice Cream van. Exciting!) so hopefully, just hopefully, the fog has cleared and I can go back to being my normal, sunshiney self.
I hope, if you have felt the way I have in any way recently, that you start to see the sunshine soon.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
Well, tomorrow I say goodbye to you and I welcome 23 into my life. I wanted to write you this letter to say thank you for an amazing year, which to be honest is an understatement: you were the best year of my life. You brought me my dream job, my graduation, my freedom, my independence... you have given me change and opportunity, yet stability and introduced to me to so many new people, whilst helping me to keep in touch with the people who I love.
So, thank you. Thank you for the smiles, the laughs and the hysterical tears. Everything I've done this year has proven that I can do anything I put my mind to, and for the first time I'm proud of myself. Which sounds incredibly self-centred, but it's taken me a lot to get to this point.
I'm happy now. When I turned 22 I couldn't say that about my life, but now I absolutely can do so, 22, thank you so so SO much.
Now, 23, you have a lot to live up to! You had better brace yourself and step it up because the last year set the bar pretty high. You had better make the jump.
Lots of love,
|"Happy Birthday to meeeeee..."|
Sunday, 11 March 2012
I apologise for the silence recently, but work has been pretty busy (no surprise there) and combined with a fairly substantial social life (admittedly compared to my own fairly low standards), I have often been struggling to find time to sleep, let alone blog.
I am still here, I am still alive.
However, I don't feel like I'm much more right now. That really is it. I'm living, apparently.
I have been in this strange, strange mood for the last week, one where I feel like life is just happening around me and to me, and I am just floating around within it. I still don't feel in control of my life and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel in control of my moods. I used to be able to change my mood, either with music, food, doing a particular activity, but at the moment, I am stuck. I have been floating above my own life for a good week now, not really sure what I'm doing or how I'm coping. I am coping, and for the first time in a while I am back to my normal organised self and so haven't forgotten anything or done anything silly in a while, but I still don't feel like me.
I realise I am not explaining this very well, but I guess I'm not too sure what this mood is or why I'm in it. If I were, I would be able to work out how to get myself out of it, but I can't.
I know that most of my confidence has gone. For whatever reason, for the first time in a very long time, I don't feel like I can achieve the things I want to. I feel like everything is just out of my grasp, nearly possible but not quite and that my fate is actually not in my hands.
I have always believed in fate and luck, but I believe that you create your own. Recently, though, I am starting to doubt that, doubt my own ability to make my own luck.
I think I need someone to tell me that I'm doing ok. Maybe I didn't have as much self-confidence as I thought, maybe it has always been completely reliant on people telling me I am doing well. In teaching, though, you don't really get that. Someone watches you teach, spends 2 minutes telling you what was good and then 20 telling you what you need to improve on. In a new relationship, you constantly feel self-aware, worry that you are doing/saying the wrong thing.
Plus, as happy as I am for my friends at the moment, their lives are just serving as a reminder that whilst they are growing up, getting somewhere in their lives and relationships, I am not. I feel like I am taking steps backwards in some respects or, at best, standing still. Career, relationships, friendships...
I haven't felt this shit in a long time. A long, LONG time...
Sunday, 26 February 2012
For the last couple of weeks, everything has been so up-in-the-air. I've had so much to do, and with so many new things in my life I'm trying to balance I have felt completely out of control, as if life was happening to me, rather than with me... if that makes sense?
This week, I finally realised I needed to take control. This was because on Wednesday, I made the conscious decision to do something during my lunch time rather than eat. I actually thought, "well, I don't want to eat so I won't" and I am so, SO angry with myself. I haven't had that sort of stupid thought since I was 18 and whilst it only happened once because I became very aware of the decision a few hours later, it made me realise that food probably does still rule my life. Even though I am currently controlling myself by forcing myself to eat more, I am still in control of how my body looks through food. When I feel that I look good, I feel good in myself and so that sense of control is completely ruling my mood. Even worse, is that on Wednesday, I actually felt more in control after having spent an hour working and not taking the time to eat. Even though I felt weak and sick in the afternoon, I felt happier.
I am so angry with myself.
And this was the point I realised I needed to take control of my own life back. I hate other people messing with my routine, making decisions for me, taking up my time... I find it stressful and I find myself struggling to sleep and having those pangs of anxiety I thought I was able to stave off. I've cried on three different occasions this week (without a real reason as to why) and I found myself feeling very de-motivated, as opposed to the usual self-motivated, highly driven person I have become in recent years.
So, from now on, I am taking back control of my life.
if I want to do something, I will do it.
If I need to do something, I will just get it done.
If someone asks something of me, unless I actually want to do it, I will say no.
Time to be selfish again, knuckle down and sort my life out. MY life, not anyone else's.
Thursday, 16 February 2012
My Reverse Bucket List.
1) I will never smoke. Why would anyone ever do that to themselves?
2) I have no intention of running a marathon. Again, why would anyone ever do that to themselves?
3) I will never have an empty savings account again. It was great to use the money I had on setting up my own life when I moved, but not having a financial security blanket scared me.
4) I will never have the same job for more than 4 years. I couldn't stand to be stuck in a dead-end job, plus I get bored very easily. My Mum has always instilled this in me, as she is in the situation I seek to avoid, and I will not be like her.
5) I will not settle for second best. Again...
6) I will not drink a strawberry milkshake. They make me physically sick.
7) I will never learn to dance in any way. I move like a plank of wood, I've dealt with that and I can't change now.
8) I will not fall out with my Mum again. She's actually pretty awesome.
9) I will never swim with sharks. Seriously, why would anyone ever want to do something that horrendous?!
10) I would never go skinny-dipping. Call me boring or prude, but I just don't fancy being that exposed?
So there you go, you know the most boring side to me! I'd love to hear some of yours so please comment away :)
Sunday, 12 February 2012
I am very aware of the fact that I have felt similar to this before about a guy and then had my whole life completely ruined by him. Which may sound like an exaggeration, but he took everything: my home, money, dignity, sense of self worth... You name it, and he took it.
And now I'm worried that I have met someone who I genuinely believe is amazing. He's not my type, but with my previous record, that can surely only be a good thing and everything, right now, is... perfect. Everything from how compatible we are to the timing of it all and what we want from life/a relationship are in sync, and it suddenly seems so easy. Relationships have always been hard, stressful, a balancing act but this doesn't feel like that. It's easy and natural and all my gut instincts are screaming that this is right yet my brain keeps saying "ah yes, but remember the last one. You thought he was ok too. And the one before that..." Don't get me wrong, I feel completely different about this one (don't ask me how it's different, it just is), but still, there's a part of me which doesn't want to get too close yet just in case I'm wrong. Again.
Because, let's face it, when I get things wrong I get them spectacularly wrong. This is why I don't make decisions, because I'm absolutely dreadful at them.
And with the prospect of a new job offer in the next 3 weeks, I have another life-changing decision to make. In theory, it's my dream job, but it isn't the easy choice. The easy choice would be to stay put at a school I like 3/5 days a week, rather than go for the only job I have ever enjoyed 5/5 days.
It may seem pointless me talking about this when I haven't had the interview yet, and in fact, I haven't even applied. But one of our headteachers has been seconded to run a federation of schools and this is one of them so I've already been told if I want the job, it's mine. This means that at the point I decide to apply, the decision is made. I'm procrastinating from the decision until after half term, but it's funny how time flies when you don't want it to. Half term will be over in a heartbeat and I'll have to decide: to go or not to go, to stay at my school for another year (because another year would be more than enough) and consolidate what I have achieved there, or skip my plan ahead a year and take one of only 2 jobs in the borough which are what I want to do.
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
- I would like to be Miss Piggy because she doesn't stand for any crap.
- I would like to be a hedgehog because they can hibernate through the winter.
- I would also like to be a cat. I would like to be that chilled and non-challant.
- I would like to be a skirt because they are free and floaty yet have the potential to be cheeky.
- I would like to have as much street-cred as my 78-year-old Grandad. He uses the term "omg" and refers to himself as "Gdad". Yes...
- I would like to be a lemon. They are sharp and straight to the point.
- I would like to be the colour purple, because it reminds me of the poem about old people and I'm basically a 70-year-old in a 20-something body. Now, where is my knitting...
|Now, come on, this is the life...|
Sunday, 5 February 2012
We have pretty much everything you could think of in common. We like the same music, have the same hobbies, have the same job (we even teach the same year group), have the same sense of humour, are an even match in terms of intellect, confidence and ambition... we could not be a better match. He even drinks green tea.
He's possibly a more exaggerated version of me, in that he's louder, more geeky, more intelligent, more confident and more positive, but I like that. He's the first person I've met in a while who really challenges me, if that makes sense?
I have only been involved with him out of group situations for a week but it feels like I've known him forever. We went to the pub last Friday after a conference and spent five hours sat chatting without a single silent or awkward moment and have not stopped texting since. He invited me out with his housemates last night and we had an absolutely brilliant night which included sharing a few cheeky kisses on the dance-floor. We had to call it a night earlier than usual because the snow was getting pretty thick by this point, so we attempted to get home, got as far as we could on the Night Bus before it terminated and then he walked me home. I obviously did not send him home (given that I live about an hours walk from his house and the snow was about 5cm deep and getting worse) so he came in and we ended up sat chatting for hours.
It felt so comfortable and so, so natural, as if we spent every Saturday night sat with a cup of tea talking. Then we fell asleep cuddled up at gone 6am, slept for about 2 hours before getting up and doing pretty much the same thing: chatting and drinking tea. Conversation got a bit deep but we found out so much about one another, and even in those deeper things we are so alike it's borderline frightening.
It sounds funny to say though, based on all that, but he's not really my type. He's geeky and louder than me and he says the wrong things at the wrong times so he comes across as a bit strange at the first meeting. I normally wouldn't go for someone like him but I guess this is proof that I don't actually know what I want and that I should just throw caution to the wind and judge any opportunity based on my gut instinct.
I like that my cynical outlook on dating/relationships could be challenged like this. I like being proven wrong...
Sunday, 29 January 2012
|The start of the parade|
|Some of the professional dancers|
|The street decorations in Chinatown...|
|And some more.|
|My bag missed so my wish won't come true, but it still looks pretty.|
|This was a particularly amusing highlight from a free fortune cookie my brother was given.|
Being single is just plain sad. When you have to constantly justify the fact that your life is actually fine without a partner in it and when people hear you aren't on a man-hunt, you sound like a spinster. Then you get the questions about your love life from relatives, to which you reply with some element of pride that you don't actually have one, and you get the patronising "aaaaaaww, well, that's ok..." comment which I'm sure spinsters hear all the time.
However, whether or not it is sad, I like being single and whilst I have no intention of changing that any time soon, I don't intend on checking into Spinster Towers. I've met a couple of guys so far this year and I'm enjoying that buzz you get when you first meet someone and you wonder if anything will happen, do they like you etc (the teenage crush feeling). I like flirting, although I'm still dreadful at it, and I like that I'm finding out more about myself and what I actually want from life and relationships.
Plus, I like having butterflies back in my tummy. They haven't been fluttering for a long time...
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Yesterday, we had a welcome day off from the classroom routine and we went to an NQT conference. It was absolutely fantastic: each session was truly inspirational and they even had one of these airy-fairy-life-coach-type people running a seminar who was not actually airy-fairy and gave us all the boost that we needed, if only because we realised that we are not alone in many respects. (Although it has to be said, our group do seem to be suffering more than others.)
I don't think this was his intention, but in making me re-focus on why I wanted to become a teacher and what I thought teaching would be like, he made me realise that I need to keep my own ideas, that it's ok to feel different about certain things than my school does and that the day I lose sight of my 'ideal' is the day I need to leave teaching.
He shared a quote with us:
This really resonated with me and made me feel better about not agreeing with the vision of my school because, actually, the day I do start to think the way they do, that is the day I become the teacher I don't want to be. If I can't be who I am at my school, then I will move on, but I will not give up trying.
And I made new friends yesterday! A small group of us went from the conference to the pub (actually, that should be plural...) and generally had a lovely evening.
So all in all, I'm feeling back to my normal positive self today. Bring on Monday!
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Actually, that's not true. I love my job, I love the kids... I just hate where I'm doing it. I can't begin to explain why, but all I know is that my school is not driven by the kids and that the longer I spend there, the more sorry I feel for the kids.
I mean, I work at a primary school where the children aren't allowed to run on the playground.
But this week will be better. It has to be because I can't have another week like the last two. I will not cry every day, I will stop losing weight because of the stress, I will eat properly and my hair will stop falling out. I will, I will, I will...
Monday, 16 January 2012
What if, because I don't believe in soul mates or any of that crap, I will never find one because I will settle? Maybe that's why I settle in relationships which have never really worked for a variety of reasons. What if relationships aren't actually hard?
What if I don't have relationship issues and I don't hate being vulnerable, but rather I have never been with someone who I'm comfortable being like that with?
What if I continue to think like I currently do and end up settling, never being able to truly open up and spend my whole life wondering "what if?"
I don't know why this occurred to me today, but it did. Maybe I need to change my perspective...
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Anyway, I digress...
Once I'm more fluent in typing and using this app, normal blogging service (and by that I obviously mean moaning) will resume. Hope you are all well, my bloggy friends.
Monday, 2 January 2012
Why am I chatting on about this? Because I realised something about myself yesterday:
I always get what I want. Always.
I realised this because I read back over a few of my blog posts from, not only this blog, but my old, private one and I read so many things I said I wanted, things I said I wanted to do, mistakes I wanted to fix. I may have had to wait for it because it may not have happened as quickly as I would have liked, but as soon as I've identified something I want or something I want to do, I will always do it. I will find a way around any obstacles and work my butt off until I finally get there.
I hope that is a sign of my positivity and determination and not plain ruthlessness on my part. I don't think I've ever hurt anyone to get what I wanted? I wouldn't, either, because if something I wanted meant hurting someone then it wouldn't be what I wanted... if that makes sense. I have, in fact, walked away from things in the past because I knew that whilst I wanted it, for whatever reason it meant more to keep someone else happy rather than go for it.
So I don't think I am ruthless, just determined.
And right now, I know what I want next...