Monday, 9 April 2012

My boyfriend doesn't believe in love.

Yesterday, he kept asking me if I loved him. I dodged around the question a bit: we've been together for a couple of months and whilst I am falling head over heels for him, I'm not quite there yet.

Then, this morning in a different conversation, he said he didn't know what love was. So, I called him on it. I asked him why he was so desperate to hear me say that I loved him if he had no intention of saying it back to me. He then asked how I was so sure that he wouldn't say it to me, so we had a bit of a discussion.

He said that he doesn't know what love is, but he was with someone for 4 years so that must have been love. He thinks that he couldn't possibly like me any more than he already does, so that must be love, but that he doesn't know what love is and he's just assuming this is it.

I tried to convince him that he's wrong - if you have any doubts, have to think about it or somehow convince yourself that you are in love then that just is not it, but he wasn't having any of it. He's adamant that as much as he likes me now, that's as much as it's ever possible to like anyone, but yet he still thinks love doesn't exist.

That can't be it, surely? Don't get me wrong, I have never been in love before. Not really, and I guess the reason I walked away from relationships which were 'ok', or 'good enough' despite the person I was with being in love with me was because I thought love was this amazing feeling which completely changes everything and it was something worth taking a risk to have. It's this thing which erases all doubts, it takes over every thought in your mind and makes you feel that kind of scared which is actually good for you. When you are with them, you feel like you are the only and most amazing girl in a packed room, you feel as if nothing you could do or say would ruin things because you are on a pedestal in their eyes and not only that, but they make you believe it is actually true, no matter what you think of yourself.

Maybe I have been raised on too many Disney films, but that has to be true, it just can't be any other way. Thinking about couples I know, just having strong feelings for each other can't be enough to spend 53 years with someone who must drive you round the bend most of the time; to forgive them when they betray you or to hurt so much when they do that even 17 years won't be long enough for you to get over it; to be prepared to change your whole life and move to a different continent just to wake up next to them every day; to wait by their bedside for years whilst their mind and body are gradually destroyed... just liking someone a lot is not enough to put up with those things so that absolutely, 110% cannot be it. It just can't be.

Anyway, love must exist. I see it in my Grandparents. I see the strength my Grandma shows when my Grandad goes for his cancer treatment, I see the resilience she shows to him having become increasingly deaf through the years, to the strange and inexplicable things he does more and more often. Love must be the only thing that stopped her battering the daft git half to death years ago, it's the reason she cries herself to sleep now and the reason that she always stands up for him, no matter how insane he has been... Love does those things, not "like". Like just isn't powerful enough.

Call me an old romantic, and I didn't think that I was, but I refuse to believe what he says.

Someone please tell me that I'm right and that it's worth waiting for, worth fighting for... please?

Probably not the "Disney love" I meant thanks, Google...


Lisa said...

i agree with you, if you have doubts then its not love. i think after a couple months you should know. i believe in the old love myself, and it took me a long time to find it.

Anna said...

Love for me is definitely not only that feeling you are just describing. It seems like ambivalent feelings are always there. But if being in the relationship makes you feel good in more than 50% of the time, then they say it's worth staying in the relationship for.

Summer-Claire said...

But, despite the negatives, you still want them and you don't doubt, not even for a second, that you love them and want to be with them. That's love, surely?

Yvonne said...

I so don't agree with you aha love isn't all that. Sure, falling in love might be that but the staying part is definitely not. Maybe I'll write a blog post since this would be a giant comment to write out aha

little said...

my first question is, are his parents still together?

my second question is, how do you feel about what he said? i don't think i could ever have a serious relationship with someone who didn't think they could love me. where would that relationship even go?

Nikkiana said...

The difference between like and love... I think this is a tricky one because there's a fair bit of overlap between the two words, but I personally think of them as being two separate concepts. In general, I tend to see the concept of like as being more superficial... more first impression based... more fickle. When you're first getting to know a person, chances are you make a snap judgement as to whether you like or dislike the person. Like is the indicator that might want to get to know a person.

Love, to me, is something more committed, more attachment based. People that I love are people whom I've grown close enough to that they've carved out a permanent space in my life.

I like the people that I love, but I don't always love all of the people that I like.

Also, I draw a distinction between being "in love" with someone vs. "loving" someone. "In love" to me connotates the rush of strong feelings of affinity for a person, whereas loving someone is a much more stable constant thing.

Summer-Claire said...

Little - yeah they are, and I don't know how I feel to be quite honest. Like you said though, where the hell is this going? I don't want things to go anywhere right now, but I want to know that somewhere along the line this won't have been a massive waste of time. If he doesn't do commitment and he doesn't do love, what the hell is he in a relationship for? What role do I actually play in his life?

Yvonne - if you don't think that all love can be like that, then you need to meet my Grandparents!

Though I'm getting serious mixed messages now girls, earlier he looked right into my eyes and said "don't ever change". That was before telling me that he thought he was settling...


justrealhappy said...

Love is awesome. I love being in love. I never thought I'd find it again after my first boyfriend, but what I have with CB now is definitely love. And it's definitely worth fighting for. When you feel supported and respected and trusted and empowered to be the best person you can be...and you have that connection...and sometimes can't keep your hands off that person...when an intimacy and comfort exists between the two of you? That's love. :)

Joslin said...

Love doesn't make all the doubts disappear. It makes it less...loud. If that makes sense. No one can tell you what love is or isn't because it's different for each person. If you feel you're in love, then you are. If you're not sure, then you're not. But that doesn't mean you're not on your way.

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