Sunday, 11 March 2012

Funny mood.

I have just written this blog post and thought I'd warn you up here that this is a load of self-pitying, waffling crap. I am still going to post it because I hope one day I look back at this and remember how I have managed to pick myself up again, but you guys probably don't want to read it. 

I apologise for the silence recently, but work has been pretty busy (no surprise there) and combined with a fairly substantial social life (admittedly compared to my own fairly low standards), I have often been struggling to find time to sleep, let alone blog.

I am still here, I am still alive.

However, I don't feel like I'm much more right now. That really is it. I'm living, apparently.

I have been in this strange, strange mood for the last week, one where I feel like life is just happening around me and to me, and I am just floating around within it. I still don't feel in control of my life and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel in control of my moods. I used to be able to change my mood, either with music, food, doing a particular activity, but at the moment, I am stuck. I have been floating above my own life for a good week now, not really sure what I'm doing or how I'm coping. I am coping, and for the first time in a while I am back to my normal organised self and so haven't forgotten anything or done anything silly in a while, but I still don't feel like me.

I realise I am not explaining this very well, but I guess I'm not too sure what this mood is or why I'm in it. If I were, I would be able to work out how to get myself out of it, but I can't.

I know that most of my confidence has gone. For whatever reason, for the first time in a very long time, I don't feel like I can achieve the things I want to. I feel like everything is just out of my grasp, nearly possible but not quite and that my fate is actually not in my hands.

I have always believed in fate and luck, but I believe that you create your own. Recently, though, I am starting to doubt that, doubt my own ability to make my own luck.

I think I need someone to tell me that I'm doing ok. Maybe I didn't have as much self-confidence as I thought, maybe it has always been completely reliant on people telling me I am doing well. In teaching, though, you don't really get that. Someone watches you teach, spends 2 minutes telling you what was good and then 20 telling you what you need to improve on. In a new relationship, you constantly feel self-aware, worry that you are doing/saying the wrong thing.

Plus, as happy as I am for my friends at the moment, their lives are just serving as a reminder that whilst they are growing up, getting somewhere in their lives and relationships, I am not. I feel like I am taking steps backwards in some respects or, at best, standing still. Career, relationships, friendships...

I haven't felt this shit in a long time. A long, LONG time...


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