Sunday, 26 February 2012


I hate losing control of my life.

For the last couple of weeks, everything has been so up-in-the-air. I've had so much to do, and with so many new things in my life I'm trying to balance I have felt completely out of control, as if life was happening to me, rather than with me... if that makes sense?

This week, I finally realised I needed to take control. This was because on Wednesday, I made the conscious decision to do something during my lunch time rather than eat. I actually thought, "well, I don't want to eat so I won't" and I am so, SO angry with myself. I haven't had that sort of stupid thought since I was 18 and whilst it only happened once because I became very aware of the decision a few hours later, it made me realise that food probably does still rule my life. Even though I am currently controlling myself by forcing myself to eat more, I am still in control of how my body looks through food. When I feel that I look good, I feel good in myself and so that sense of control is completely ruling my mood. Even worse, is that on Wednesday, I actually felt more in control after having spent an hour working and not taking the time to eat. Even though I felt weak and sick in the afternoon, I felt happier.

I am so angry with myself.

And this was the point I realised I needed to take control of my own life back. I hate other people messing with my routine, making decisions for me, taking up my time... I find it stressful and I find myself struggling to sleep and having those pangs of anxiety I thought I was able to stave off. I've cried on three different occasions this week (without a real reason as to why) and I found myself feeling very de-motivated, as opposed to the usual self-motivated, highly driven person I have become in recent years.

So, from now on, I am taking back control of my life.

if I want to do something, I will do it.

If I need to do something, I will just get it done.

If someone asks something of me, unless I actually want to do it, I will say no.

Time to be selfish again, knuckle down and sort my life out. MY life, not anyone else's.


Anna said...

Acknowledging your feeling is the first step, and it's an important one. Then comes accepting them, which isn't as easy. I've been angry with myself the last days for various reasons, mostly for not having done what I had plans to do, but in the end I understand that that anger doesn't matter. Even if it's there. It's just there. Don't let it take over your actions.

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