Sunday, 12 February 2012

I don't trust myself.

I don't trust my gut instinct anymore.

I am very aware of the fact that I have felt similar to this before about a guy and then had my whole life completely ruined by him. Which may sound like an exaggeration, but he took everything: my home, money, dignity, sense of self worth... You name it, and he took it.

And now I'm worried that I have met someone who I genuinely believe is amazing. He's not my type, but with my previous record, that can surely only be a good thing and everything, right now, is... perfect. Everything from how compatible we are to the timing of it all and what we want from life/a relationship are in sync, and it suddenly seems so easy. Relationships have always been hard, stressful, a balancing act but this doesn't feel like that. It's easy and natural and all my gut instincts are screaming that this is right yet my brain keeps saying "ah yes, but remember the last one. You thought he was ok too. And the one before that..."  Don't get me wrong, I feel completely different about this one (don't ask me how it's different, it just is), but still, there's a part of me which doesn't want to get too close yet just in case I'm wrong. Again.

Because, let's face it, when I get things wrong I get them spectacularly wrong. This is why I don't make decisions, because I'm absolutely dreadful at them.

And with the prospect of a new job offer in the next 3 weeks, I have another life-changing decision to make. In theory, it's my dream job, but it isn't the easy choice. The easy choice would be to stay put at a school I like 3/5 days a week, rather than go for the only job I have ever enjoyed 5/5 days.

It may seem pointless me talking about this when I haven't had the interview yet, and in fact, I haven't even applied. But one of our headteachers has been seconded to run a federation of schools and this is one of them so I've already been told if I want the job, it's mine. This means that at the point I decide to apply, the decision is made. I'm procrastinating from the decision until after half term, but it's funny how time flies when you don't want it to. Half term will be over in a heartbeat and I'll have to decide: to go or not to go, to stay at my school for another year (because another year would be more than enough) and consolidate what I have achieved there, or skip my plan ahead a year and take one of only 2 jobs in the borough which are what I want to do.


*has a tantrum*


Anna said...

It is strange how incredibly difficult it is sometimes to follow your heart. I am soon approaching the end of my education, and I have no idea of what I will end up doing. I know that I should follow my heart (or my gut), but sometimes I don't even know what it is saying...

Thank you for the follow! I enjoy reading your blog.

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