Control.

I hate losing control of my life.

For the last couple of weeks, everything has been so up-in-the-air. I've had so much to do, and with so many new things in my life I'm trying to balance I have felt completely out of control, as if life was happening to me, rather than with me... if that makes sense?

This week, I finally realised I needed to take control. This was because on Wednesday, I made the conscious decision to do something during my lunch time rather than eat. I actually thought, "well, I don't want to eat so I won't" and I am so, SO angry with myself. I haven't had that sort of stupid thought since I was 18 and whilst it only happened once because I became very aware of the decision a few hours later, it made me realise that food probably does still rule my life. Even though I am currently controlling myself by forcing myself to eat more, I am still in control of how my body looks through food. When I feel that I look good, I feel good in myself and so that sense of control is completely ruling my mood. Even worse, is that on Wednesday, I actually felt more in control after having spent an hour working and not taking the time to eat. Even though I felt weak and sick in the afternoon, I felt happier.

I am so angry with myself.

And this was the point I realised I needed to take control of my own life back. I hate other people messing with my routine, making decisions for me, taking up my time... I find it stressful and I find myself struggling to sleep and having those pangs of anxiety I thought I was able to stave off. I've cried on three different occasions this week (without a real reason as to why) and I found myself feeling very de-motivated, as opposed to the usual self-motivated, highly driven person I have become in recent years.

So, from now on, I am taking back control of my life.

if I want to do something, I will do it.

If I need to do something, I will just get it done.

If someone asks something of me, unless I actually want to do it, I will say no.

Time to be selfish again, knuckle down and sort my life out. MY life, not anyone else's.