Monday, 30 July 2012

Memories.

Sorry I haven't blogged much recently, it's been a busy month. A hard month too, actually.

I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)

I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.

As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:

1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)

2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.

3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I have achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.

4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.

5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.

No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.

On that note...

1 comments:

bailey j said...

Lovely! I think you rock. Admitting you are wrong, especially when stubborn (im stubborn and know all about it), is not easy! So when we do it.. its pure and real and we mean it. It`s so important to be able to admit that. It`s also important to learn and grow from all that shit, whether it`s people wronging us or doing wrong ourselves. So here`s to self discovery, learning, growing and figuring our shit out!! xo

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