Trust.

Trust is a funny thing, and it's something I think we can only define when we don't have it. I, by nature, am very trusting and will trust anyone until they give me a reason not to. Give me even a single reason not to and you're out without argument, and I guess this is how I therefore expect to be treated. I forget that for a lot of people, trust must be earned.

But either way, after nearly 18 months with someone (admittedly on and off), I expect to have earned some degree of trust from that person. I expect them not to worry whenever I go out that I might go tramping off with some randomer. I expect that I could go a whole day without giving them a blow-by-blow recount of my day without that worrying them. I expect, basically, unconditional trust.

I do not have that right now.

And do you know, honestly I could forgive the lack of trust if I had indicated in any way that I had ever been a cheat or a liar before. I have not because, basically, I am not a cheat. I think cheating is for people too cowardly to admit they are unhappy in their current relationship and so decide they want out but need the safety net of having someone else there to hold their hand when they start to feel a bit lonely. And I don't lie either for the same reason - lying is born from being too scared to admit the truth. And actually, I am a lot of things but a coward is not one of them: if I am done with you, you will be the first one to bloody well know about it and nothing I have ever done or said will indicate otherwise. Therefore, I expect you to trust me.

Yet today, I realised for the first time that my other half does not. He may say that he does, but apparently he trusts that what I tell him is true but he finds it hard to believe it.

Um, is that not the exact same fricking thing?

Basically, you don't trust me. You need to know where I am all the time, not through curiosity, but through not trusting me. You need to know who I am with for the same reason. You hear a male name mentioned and I practically see your ears prick up. You have to know who everyone is that I'm with and how I know them, why I did what I did and why I went where I went. You want to come out with me and my friends because you don't trust me to go on my own... The list goes on.

And I'm fed up with it. Yes, I know people have insecurities borne from past experience but after 18 months, if you don't know me well enough to trust me then, well, that's not a good enough excuse anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore.