Thursday Thoughts.

Only one thought today...

Beware your thoughts, for they become your words;

Beware your words, for they become your actions;

Beware your actions, for they become your habits;

Beware your habits, for they become your character;

Beware your character, for therein lies your destiny.

I know that I shared this quote once before, but I need the reminder as I head into my second year of teaching, so I thought I'd share it again seeing as it's been on my mind today. Plus, I thought I could share it with Thursday Thoughts blog hop which I'm joining in with for the first time today. 

New Years Resolutions.

Um, what? It's August...

Well, I'm a teacher so as far as I'm concerned, the year starts in September. I will never be the owner of a conventional diary or calendar, it will always be a mid-year to mid-year diary and I will never feel as positive on January 1st as I do on September 1st. Not unlike the real new year, however, no doubt the positivity will have faded by the 15th of the month once I've abandoned all of the following New Years Resolutions and realised that this year will be the same as last, only with smaller children (I'm teaching Year 1 this year rather than Year 3. Half the size, half the attitude, double the fun!).

So here they are. The things I want to achieve this year:

• Have an 'outstanding' lesson observed;
• Establish more of a work-life balance and see my friends during term time;
• Also take time out to get back into sport. It's been too long...;
• Get all my work done during the week to have the weekend off;
• Try to restore some sort of working relationship with my headteacher;
• Prove that I deserved the job I have...

So, another busy year, although hopefully an easier one. Here we go again!

Six months later.

(Disclaimer - this is a very uncharacteristic post for me, as it's not a moan or a bitch. It's actually pretty soppy. If you do not like a PDA, then this will make you vomit. You have been warned...)

So, six months have been and gone with Mr A. Don't get me wrong, it's hardly been a fairytale, with ups and downs and a fair few "he's an idiot" moments (and I'm sure this feeling would be reciprocal, if he were to have his say), but things are now absolutely amazing. I'm finally in a relationship I enjoy being in, without being controlled or changed, and my life is still very much my own. I don't have any of the anxiety I usually have in relationships because I still decide what I want to do and am in no way having any decisions about my life made for me.

We bounce off of each other, have such a laugh together and are definitely in love. Actual, real love; love like neither one of us has experienced before. He told me five months ago that he didn't know what "love" was, but now I know he does. He tells me, yes, but I can also tell from the way he looks at me. When I'm cooking or just sorting out some washing or something equally mundane, I sometimes catch him watching me with these amazing eyes and a unique smile, one I only ever see when he's about to tell me he loves me. So I know, and so does he. And he's even beginning to open up with the soppy stuff. When I went back to Plymouth for a week earlier in the holidays, when I got back, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "don't ever go away for that long again".

This, coming from a guy who would, six months ago, never have said anything even remotely soppy, and I know things are good. I feel more secure now, having felt quite insecure in the first place due to his constant desire to keep me at a distance, refusing to admit that he actually liked me, but now all that silly crap has stopped, he's opened up, I'm more able to open up and things are really amazing.

He is even meeting my family next week. I'm so nervous I may cry, although I don't know why. My family have been lovely to much worse guys than Mr. A in the past, and I'm sure he will be fine. I guess I just really want them to like this one, you know?

So what is the point of this post? Just to document the passing of the last six months and to admit to you lot that, as much as I moan and bitch sometimes, I am actually very happy. I'm in a relationship with a guy who I adore, who adores me, who makes me better and who will never try to change me.

Happy Summer :)

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I have blogged before about being ruthless, and always getting what I want. Not in a bad way, and I have never ever screwed anyone over to get to where I am, I just work hard and know what I need to do to get it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there has been some sucking up through the years, but nothing worse.

Well, right now, I have got, again, exactly what I wanted. I got the promotion I wanted, and I got the year group I wanted for September, even though when I asked for it I was originally told that I couldn't move because as I've just finished my first year of teaching it's best to stay in the same year group to consolidate what was learnt the year before. Fair enough, I thought, or at least until my next run-in with my headteacher.

Basically, I got moved to the year group I actually wanted. Why the change of heart? Because no-one else wanted it and the job came up, so when it came to making life harder for someone (because, as glad as I am, it is hard to teach in a new year group after only one year of teaching) it had to be me. Serves me right for pissing off my headteacher (that's a story I didn't tell on here for obvious reasons, but it happened a while ago. I didn't do anything, but accusations were thrown around and blah blah blah, insertschoolpoliticshere, I am now somewhat in the doghouse).

Oh, and the promotion? Again, I got the promotion I wanted, but because no-one else applied.

So, all in all, yes I have what I wanted. But, without wanting to sound like a spoilt madam, I'm not happy about it. I didn't get what I wanted because I earned it or because I tried hard and worked for it, I got it all through default.

That's not how I want to get anything in my life. I work damned hard, I always try to be the best I can at everything I do (with insanely high expectations, often impossibly high) and that has so far given me everything I want. So right now, I'm pissed off. I hate that I didn't deserve these things.

Don't get me wrong, I will make the best of it and I will show that I did deserve these opportunities, but I shouldn't have to do that in retrospect.

This realisation has somewhat soured the summer for me. I'm not looking forward to September now...

Am I being ungrateful to think this way? I don't know... I don't think I am?