Today, I had a good day!

I only ever seem to blog to moan these days. I no longer blog about my life or the things I see for two simple reasons: 1) My life is boring and 2) my life is monotonous.

But today, I had a good day. I felt like today was the culmination of the last year of my life and for the first time, I didn't cock up an opportunity to prove myself - I really did prove myself to be everything I thought I possibly had the potential to maybe be one day. And, before you read on and think that I'm chatting rubbish, if you are not a teacher, this achievement will probably mean nothing to you. It is pretty awesome though.

So hell-to-the-yeah, I finally got an 'outstanding' grading in a lesson observation! I didn't fall to pieces when being observed, I didn't do random stupid things that I have never ever done before but seem to save just for when I'm being watched, I did everything exactly as planned. "Faultless", apparently.


I finally proved I could do it! I knew I could, even when I was told on my final teaching placement during my degree that I should probably find another career path because I was useless at teaching, I knew that being in it for the right reasons, having a clear idea of the sort of teacher I wanted to be and putting in (a lot!) of hard work would pay off. I knew I could be that teacher, I bloody-well knew it and right now I am so, so happy. I know that this isn't it, that I have lots to do because that is only in two subjects, but still, it proves I can do it and I am amazingly happy about it.

So, a non-moaning blog post! Proud or what? :D

Thursday Thoughts

I am starting to love Thursday Thoughts, I love the reflection time.

This one speaks very true to me this week, and in the two days since I read it, the advice has done me a load of good. I need to remember this...

I am so, so bored...

I am up and down more than a see-saw at the moment, but basically, my life is crap. This is affecting my mood because I am either wandering around, forcing myself into a bubble of ignorance and pretending that everything is great, or I am fully embracing feeling sorry for myself, crying and moping on the sofa.

To cut a long, self-indulgent rant short, there is nothing massively wrong with my life. In the grand scheme of a word full of poverty, hunger, war, cancer etc, my life is pretty good and I feel guilty for feeling this way but I am just not happy. My relationship is pretty much over (a rant for another day), my confidence is shot, my career is at a stand-still and I have nothing to look forward to. With no prospect of a holiday, or even a significant event in the future (this side of May anyway, and that's a long way away) to keep my spirits up, I am finding every day a struggle - What exactly am I getting out of bed for every day? What do I have to look forward to to make the mundane daily routines bearable?

Answer to that: Sweet fuck all.

I still have no social life, my boyfriend has no time for me (or, rather, is not making time for me - I think he's doing that thing where he pushes me away so I dump him so that he doesn't have to) and life is so incredibly boring I am on the verge of tears even thinking about it. I get up, do the same work routine when I get to school, then teach, then mark, then go home. Nothing more and nothing less, the exact same every day.

Surely, weekends are more exciting? No. Last week I was ill so missed the one social event of the term and all my friends are either in Plymouth or too busy with their real lives to bother with my petulant "I'm booooooooored" whining.

However, last time I thought I may want more drama in my life, I was burgled. So perhaps the moral of the story is to shut up and appreciate the normality of my boring life.

I am actually starting to go mad. I need something to do, some excitement, or at least the prospect of some to get excited about? I could easily scream right now...

Quote of the day.

“It often occurs that pride and selfishness are muddled with strength and independence. They are neither equal nor similar; in fact, they are polar opposites. A coward may be so cowardly that he masks his weakness with some false personification of power. He is afraid to love and to be loved because love tends to strip bare all emotional barricades. Without love, strength and independence are prone to losing every bit of their worth; they become nothing more than a fearful, intimidated, empty tent lost somewhere in the desert of self.”

- Criss Jami

Exhausted.

I have never, ever felt totally worn out before. That is, until today.

Yes, I've been the sort of tired when you can barely hold your eyes open, but I've never felt this drained of energy before and been in a position where you just have to keep powering on. And yes, I've felt ill before, but I've never felt ill purely because I have absolutely no energy left. I can almost feel myself getting more and more ill with each passing hour, as if my body has nothing left to keep the manky child germs at bay.

I am tired like I have never known before. I've become an emotional bag of crazy as a consequence and the combination of the two are not doing much for my career. I cried to my headteacher today for taking a table away from my classroom (ok, the story has slightly more to it than that but of course I can't break confidentiality) and so, generally, am making myself look like a complete idiot. All because I'm tired.

My 'New Years Resolution', the one I set at the start of the school year, was to have a work-life balance this year. It is, however, more stress than it is worth. It means I'm trying to do everything - be the sort of teacher I want to be, have a social life and take up a new hobby - I literally cannot do everything and it is completely crushing me.

So, I have had to take a step back this evening. I literally walked away from it all, walked home and have been sat on my sofa, moving only to retrieve a crappy (but yum) ready-meal from the microwave and to go and have a nice long, hot bath. Kindle, laptop and rubbishy telly. My headache has gone, I'm not on the verge of tears and I can actually face the thought of going to school tomorrow.

Much better. However, I am going to bed now...