Trust.

Trust is a funny thing, and it's something I think we can only define when we don't have it. I, by nature, am very trusting and will trust anyone until they give me a reason not to. Give me even a single reason not to and you're out without argument, and I guess this is how I therefore expect to be treated. I forget that for a lot of people, trust must be earned.

But either way, after nearly 18 months with someone (admittedly on and off), I expect to have earned some degree of trust from that person. I expect them not to worry whenever I go out that I might go tramping off with some randomer. I expect that I could go a whole day without giving them a blow-by-blow recount of my day without that worrying them. I expect, basically, unconditional trust.

I do not have that right now.

And do you know, honestly I could forgive the lack of trust if I had indicated in any way that I had ever been a cheat or a liar before. I have not because, basically, I am not a cheat. I think cheating is for people too cowardly to admit they are unhappy in their current relationship and so decide they want out but need the safety net of having someone else there to hold their hand when they start to feel a bit lonely. And I don't lie either for the same reason - lying is born from being too scared to admit the truth. And actually, I am a lot of things but a coward is not one of them: if I am done with you, you will be the first one to bloody well know about it and nothing I have ever done or said will indicate otherwise. Therefore, I expect you to trust me.

Yet today, I realised for the first time that my other half does not. He may say that he does, but apparently he trusts that what I tell him is true but he finds it hard to believe it.

Um, is that not the exact same fricking thing?

Basically, you don't trust me. You need to know where I am all the time, not through curiosity, but through not trusting me. You need to know who I am with for the same reason. You hear a male name mentioned and I practically see your ears prick up. You have to know who everyone is that I'm with and how I know them, why I did what I did and why I went where I went. You want to come out with me and my friends because you don't trust me to go on my own... The list goes on.

And I'm fed up with it. Yes, I know people have insecurities borne from past experience but after 18 months, if you don't know me well enough to trust me then, well, that's not a good enough excuse anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Something you've looked for...

This is my post for Mama Kat's link up today and I'm answering the prompt:

Write about the last item you looked for. Why did you need it?


This prompt instantly called out to me because my Mum and I have been looking for something all weekend You see, on Saturday, we went into the city centre to start our Christmas shopping and, most unusually, we had a specific present idea for my Nan. She's normally one of those who never knows what she wants but when we rang her she was clear - she wanted a plain knit, dark/chocolate brown scarf and matching gloves.

Easy! Or so we thought...

Every year other than this, there are plain knitted scarves in every shop regardless of the fashion. They are such a classic wardrobe staple that they are always in the shops but this year, what with the chunky-knit scarf being in fashion, could we find a plain-knit scarf? Could we hell.

M&S, surely would have such a classic piece? No.
BHS? No. House of Fraser? No. Debenhams? No. Edinburgh Woolen Mill? No. Matalan? No. Millets? No. Accessorize? No. Every other shop on the high street? No. The internet? We can't even find one online.

So this blog is not so much an answer to a writing prompt but more a plea - if anyone sees a shop selling plain knit scarves, please let me know! Typical that the one year my Nan has an idea she would give us a suggestion that just does not exist...

Half term is finally here...

...and I'm finally back home in sunny Devon with my friends and family. I had a lovely weekend, almost too lovely in fact because it is actually making me more homesick than ever (which might sound odd given that I am home) and I'm now dreading having to go back to London on Wednesday. I know it sounds stupid to miss this place when I had been counting down the days before I moved away pretty much since the age of 8, but I guess whilst this place still is and always will be a shit-hole, the people here are amazing. My family and friends are what I miss really, and I guess it doesn't help that I don't really have any friends in London yet and, although I know that will eventually change, it's still not the same.

Although now I think about it, it's not like I have time for friends and family when I'm in London anyway! I'm still pulling 12 hour days at school and whilst that may seem insane and like I should be stressed, I'm really not. The truth is, if I didn't need food and sleep I would happily work 24 hours a day and I wouldn't moan because I love every fricking second of it. I love my class, I love my school, I even love all the paperwork because I am just that much of a nerd. It really is my dream job, everything I knew it would be.

The only slight downside is that I've gotten very thin again and my size 8 trousers are hanging off me for the first time since I was 16. I'm back down to 8st 2 again (I'm 5ft 8) and whilst most people will hate me for being one of those people who finds it hard to keep weight on, this is pretty bad even by my standards. I do eat despite being busy (and I eat a lot, I always have done), but I think the stress is burning off as many calories as I eat and maybe I need to start eating bigger portions? I don't know how to sort it out, because it's not like the stress will ease at school what with Ofsted due any day now and I've been eating chocolate like never before to have enough wrappers to decorate my classroom for our new topic (which is chocolate, obviously!) so it's not like I'm not eating enough fat.

Any ideas? Someone make me hungry!

Hopping about on crutches...

I've been stuck on crutches now since Saturday and whilst I can at least put my foot down now, realistically, I'm going to be stuck on the bloody things for the rest of the week. And it is driving me slightly mental.

Hopping mad, actually. Couldn't ignore the obvious pun, sorry.

But seriously, it has been a very revealing few days.

1) London hospitals are much more efficient than Devon ones. I was in and out of A&E within two hours on Saturday, saw the same doctor the entire way through and he even remembered my name. Much kudos to the NHS South London.

2) People are generally kind and courteous in that they will hold doors open, provide lifts etc, but only if it suits them. If it involves leaving someone alone with a class of 30 children whilst unable to walk so that you can keep your own teaching assistant to do your sticking in, people will choose the sticking in rather than helping. My so-called colleagues have made me cry so many times this week I've pretty much lost count and just plain stopped leaving my classroom. I hate that place this right now.

3) People apply health and safety rules when it suits them. We have a culture in this country of being too scared to do lots of things in case of health and safety concerns but if it means paying for a supply teacher, no-one cares. Get in to school, teach PE, keep doing playground duty... oh, but cancel your school trip and make your children cry because you had spent all term getting them excited for meeting a real Roman and going to a real Roman town and now you're not going. Because it's fine to be a health and safety/fire hazard when you are in school, but don't show us up outside of school.

4) There is a nice sense of camaraderie between people who find walking etc difficult. It's the first and only time that a stranger has spontaneously spoken to me in London just for a chat and to exchange stories.

5) Walking with crutches is the best way to get around central London markets on Sundays. People move out of the way, part a path to any stall you want to get to, you always get a seat on the tube, bus and train.

Every cloud has a silver lining...