101 in 1001

I saw this project on another blog and thought it sounded like a great idea, so 6 hours of racking my brains and I'm finally done.

Project zero (101 in 1001) involves setting yourself 101 little challenges to achieve in the next 1001 days.

You can read my list and check my progress here:

http://dayzeroproject.com/user/summerxclaire/list/49226

Wish me luck! I'd love to hear your stories of working towards/having already completed a 101/1001 if anyone has :)

Back to my normal self.

This week, I've felt like myself again. None of this pathetic, negative self-pity that has been driving my mood for the last two months, but instead the usual optimistic, energetic and motivated version of 'me' is back. I've been cooking, cleaning, working, socialising... and admittedly, it is the Easter holiday, but maybe the break last week was exactly what I needed. Maybe I needed things to settle down between myself and Mr. A. too and maybe that, combined with some sun and daylight (and we all know how much I hate the winter) has been what I needed to drag myself out of my 'mood'.

It's been a long time since I've felt as bad as I did and I'm so, so glad I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel confident again, as if I can actually do what I have set out to do and not only that, I have the motivation to put the work in again. I've remembered why I like my job, I remember what I am good at and know how to tackle the things I need to get better at, rather than letting them drag me down and define me. I really am feeling a million times better now, ready to kick some serious butt this term.

No matter who gets me down, no matter what challenges I have to face, I will not let anyone or anything drag me down. I will make it a whole term without crying...

This is my pick-me-up anthem of the moment. Walking Strutting to school with this in my ears - bliss :)

I can see clearly now my brain has gone.

I still remember singing that line over the real lyrics in primary school singing assembly and it still makes me laugh.

In all seriousness, I am much clearer on things now than I was yesterday. Thank you so much to everyone who commented and reassured me that I was at least, in some parts, right and that I should not settle for someone who was settling with me... if that makes sense.

I had a discussion with him last night about it all, and he was upset that I had been upset by it. He told me that we don't need words and names to describe how we're feeling because he knows that he likes me more than he has ever liked anyone before, that I'm the only person he's ever wanted to see as much, the only person he has ever enjoyed sleeping in the same bed with and the only person things have ever felt this easy with. Whether I believe him or not, he knows that he loves me and that even if I don't believe him now that he's going to convince me.

He is so right (although don't tell him that I said that). We're both happy, that's all that matters.

I'm more than happy. They haven't invented words for how happy I am with things so far. We just fit, we want the same things from life and each other, we feel the same things and that's what's important. Not the words that we put on things.

So, I'm officially signing my brain out of this relationship. Clearly when I over-think the things he says, I end up more confused. If I'm confused or upset, I'll ask, rather than stew on it for a few hours before asking him. He doesn't always mean the things that he says in the way they come across, so really, what's the point in worrying when there is probably nothing to worry about?

So, thanks brain. You've served me well thus far but I think we are pretty much done here.

(Maybe jump in if I'm about to do something stupid though, yeah? Don't let me ignore any red-alerts...)

My boyfriend doesn't believe in love.

Yesterday, he kept asking me if I loved him. I dodged around the question a bit: we've been together for a couple of months and whilst I am falling head over heels for him, I'm not quite there yet.

Then, this morning in a different conversation, he said he didn't know what love was. So, I called him on it. I asked him why he was so desperate to hear me say that I loved him if he had no intention of saying it back to me. He then asked how I was so sure that he wouldn't say it to me, so we had a bit of a discussion.

He said that he doesn't know what love is, but he was with someone for 4 years so that must have been love. He thinks that he couldn't possibly like me any more than he already does, so that must be love, but that he doesn't know what love is and he's just assuming this is it.

I tried to convince him that he's wrong - if you have any doubts, have to think about it or somehow convince yourself that you are in love then that just is not it, but he wasn't having any of it. He's adamant that as much as he likes me now, that's as much as it's ever possible to like anyone, but yet he still thinks love doesn't exist.

That can't be it, surely? Don't get me wrong, I have never been in love before. Not really, and I guess the reason I walked away from relationships which were 'ok', or 'good enough' despite the person I was with being in love with me was because I thought love was this amazing feeling which completely changes everything and it was something worth taking a risk to have. It's this thing which erases all doubts, it takes over every thought in your mind and makes you feel that kind of scared which is actually good for you. When you are with them, you feel like you are the only and most amazing girl in a packed room, you feel as if nothing you could do or say would ruin things because you are on a pedestal in their eyes and not only that, but they make you believe it is actually true, no matter what you think of yourself.

Maybe I have been raised on too many Disney films, but that has to be true, it just can't be any other way. Thinking about couples I know, just having strong feelings for each other can't be enough to spend 53 years with someone who must drive you round the bend most of the time; to forgive them when they betray you or to hurt so much when they do that even 17 years won't be long enough for you to get over it; to be prepared to change your whole life and move to a different continent just to wake up next to them every day; to wait by their bedside for years whilst their mind and body are gradually destroyed... just liking someone a lot is not enough to put up with those things so that absolutely, 110% cannot be it. It just can't be.

Anyway, love must exist. I see it in my Grandparents. I see the strength my Grandma shows when my Grandad goes for his cancer treatment, I see the resilience she shows to him having become increasingly deaf through the years, to the strange and inexplicable things he does more and more often. Love must be the only thing that stopped her battering the daft git half to death years ago, it's the reason she cries herself to sleep now and the reason that she always stands up for him, no matter how insane he has been... Love does those things, not "like". Like just isn't powerful enough.

Call me an old romantic, and I didn't think that I was, but I refuse to believe what he says.

Someone please tell me that I'm right and that it's worth waiting for, worth fighting for... please?

Probably not the "Disney love" I meant thanks, Google...

Teenage troubles.

When I was a lot younger, I pretty much ruined my own life. 

Repeatedly, I blamed other people and shut myself away. I stopped eating, stopped socialising, shut myself in the house and blamed other people for not liking me. Not that I ever gave them anything to like. I became convinced the world was against me and that there was no help for me. I convinced myself I was useless, ugly, not good enough at anything. I turned on myself, and let myself wallow in self-pity, indulging these stupid thoughts.

I found an old myspace profile today. One I made aged 17, when I had stopped eating, had no friends and spent all my time sat at the computer. I had online friends who made me feel somewhat valid, but that was it. I read my 'bio' and cried. I can't believe I ever let myself get in that state, and worse of all, I can't believe I'm still there. Not all the time, but sometimes, on days like today when I hate myself and feel all those things again and want to stand and scream at the whole world to just fuck off. 

I hate myself for hating myself. I thought I had come so far, and whilst the teenage angst has definitely died down, the underlying feelings are still there. The feelings that I'm not getting anywhere, that everyone else is better/doing better than me, the fact that I am, somehow, actually, not really welcome here.

At least at that age I was pretty. I didn't realise it at the time but looking back at the photos, I was actually beautiful.

I need to sort myself out again. I've really gone downhill since Christmas and it's been years since I've felt this bad.

I think I had too much spare time on holiday in which to think...

(I'm sorry this is so teenagey-pessimisticy-narcisismy, but I needed a rant. I know I've had a lot of rants recently, but this is the only place I can do it and I really, really do need to vent).