Control.

I hate losing control of my life.

For the last couple of weeks, everything has been so up-in-the-air. I've had so much to do, and with so many new things in my life I'm trying to balance I have felt completely out of control, as if life was happening to me, rather than with me... if that makes sense?

This week, I finally realised I needed to take control. This was because on Wednesday, I made the conscious decision to do something during my lunch time rather than eat. I actually thought, "well, I don't want to eat so I won't" and I am so, SO angry with myself. I haven't had that sort of stupid thought since I was 18 and whilst it only happened once because I became very aware of the decision a few hours later, it made me realise that food probably does still rule my life. Even though I am currently controlling myself by forcing myself to eat more, I am still in control of how my body looks through food. When I feel that I look good, I feel good in myself and so that sense of control is completely ruling my mood. Even worse, is that on Wednesday, I actually felt more in control after having spent an hour working and not taking the time to eat. Even though I felt weak and sick in the afternoon, I felt happier.

I am so angry with myself.

And this was the point I realised I needed to take control of my own life back. I hate other people messing with my routine, making decisions for me, taking up my time... I find it stressful and I find myself struggling to sleep and having those pangs of anxiety I thought I was able to stave off. I've cried on three different occasions this week (without a real reason as to why) and I found myself feeling very de-motivated, as opposed to the usual self-motivated, highly driven person I have become in recent years.

So, from now on, I am taking back control of my life.

if I want to do something, I will do it.

If I need to do something, I will just get it done.

If someone asks something of me, unless I actually want to do it, I will say no.

Time to be selfish again, knuckle down and sort my life out. MY life, not anyone else's.

A reverse bucket list.

I'm inspired by Mama Kat's writing prompts again today. The challenge is to write a reverse-bucket list of 10 things I hope I never have to/want to do in my life, which is surprisingly difficult!

My Reverse Bucket List.

1) I will never smoke. Why would anyone ever do that to themselves?

2) I have no intention of running a marathon. Again, why would anyone ever do that to themselves?

3) I will never have an empty savings account again. It was great to use the money I had on setting up my own life when I moved, but not having a financial security blanket scared me.

4) I will never have the same job for more than 4 years. I couldn't stand to be stuck in a dead-end job, plus I get bored very easily. My Mum has always instilled this in me, as she is in the situation I seek to avoid, and I will not be like her.

5) I will not settle for second best. Again...

6) I will not drink a strawberry milkshake. They make me physically sick.

7) I will never learn to dance in any way. I move like a plank of wood, I've dealt with that and I can't change now.

8) I will not fall out with my Mum again. She's actually pretty awesome.

9) I will never swim with sharks. Seriously, why would anyone ever want to do something that horrendous?!

10) I would never go skinny-dipping. Call me boring or prude, but I just don't fancy being that exposed?

So there you go, you know the most boring side to me! I'd love to hear some of yours so please comment away :)

I don't trust myself.

I don't trust my gut instinct anymore.

I am very aware of the fact that I have felt similar to this before about a guy and then had my whole life completely ruined by him. Which may sound like an exaggeration, but he took everything: my home, money, dignity, sense of self worth... You name it, and he took it.

And now I'm worried that I have met someone who I genuinely believe is amazing. He's not my type, but with my previous record, that can surely only be a good thing and everything, right now, is... perfect. Everything from how compatible we are to the timing of it all and what we want from life/a relationship are in sync, and it suddenly seems so easy. Relationships have always been hard, stressful, a balancing act but this doesn't feel like that. It's easy and natural and all my gut instincts are screaming that this is right yet my brain keeps saying "ah yes, but remember the last one. You thought he was ok too. And the one before that..."  Don't get me wrong, I feel completely different about this one (don't ask me how it's different, it just is), but still, there's a part of me which doesn't want to get too close yet just in case I'm wrong. Again.

Because, let's face it, when I get things wrong I get them spectacularly wrong. This is why I don't make decisions, because I'm absolutely dreadful at them.

And with the prospect of a new job offer in the next 3 weeks, I have another life-changing decision to make. In theory, it's my dream job, but it isn't the easy choice. The easy choice would be to stay put at a school I like 3/5 days a week, rather than go for the only job I have ever enjoyed 5/5 days.

It may seem pointless me talking about this when I haven't had the interview yet, and in fact, I haven't even applied. But one of our headteachers has been seconded to run a federation of schools and this is one of them so I've already been told if I want the job, it's mine. This means that at the point I decide to apply, the decision is made. I'm procrastinating from the decision until after half term, but it's funny how time flies when you don't want it to. Half term will be over in a heartbeat and I'll have to decide: to go or not to go, to stay at my school for another year (because another year would be more than enough) and consolidate what I have achieved there, or skip my plan ahead a year and take one of only 2 jobs in the borough which are what I want to do.

I HATE MAKING DECISIONS.

*has a tantrum*

I would like to be...

We played some circle time games in a staff meeting today and I thought I'd share my answers.

• I would like to be Miss Piggy because she doesn't stand for any crap.

• I would like to be a hedgehog because they can hibernate through the winter.

• I would also like to be a cat. I would like to be that chilled and non-challant.

• I would like to be a skirt because they are free and floaty yet have the potential to be cheeky.

• I would like to have as much street-cred as my 78-year-old Grandad. He uses the term "omg" and refers to himself as "Gdad". Yes...

• I would like to be a lemon. They are sharp and straight to the point.

• I would like to be the colour purple, because it reminds me of the poem about old people and I'm basically a 70-year-old in a 20-something body. Now, where is my knitting...

Now, come on, this is the life...

Being proven wrong.

I didn't believe that anyone is ever necessarily a 'perfect match' in terms of relationships. That was, until I met the guy I'm going to refer to as Mr. A. He is basically me.

We have pretty much everything you could think of in common. We like the same music, have the same hobbies, have the same job (we even teach the same year group), have the same sense of humour, are an even match in terms of intellect, confidence and ambition... we could not be a better match. He even drinks green tea.

He's possibly a more exaggerated version of me, in that he's louder, more geeky, more intelligent, more confident and more positive, but I like that. He's the first person I've met in a while who really challenges me, if that makes sense?

I have only been involved with him out of group situations for a week but it feels like I've known him forever. We went to the pub last Friday after a conference and spent five hours sat chatting without a single silent or awkward moment and have not stopped texting since. He invited me out with his housemates last night and we had an absolutely brilliant night which included sharing a few cheeky kisses on the dance-floor. We had to call it a night earlier than usual because the snow was getting pretty thick by this point, so we attempted to get home, got as far as we could on the Night Bus before it terminated and then he walked me home. I obviously did not send him home (given that I live about an hours walk from his house and the snow was about 5cm deep and getting worse) so he came in and we ended up sat chatting for hours.

It felt so comfortable and so, so natural, as if we spent every Saturday night sat with a cup of tea talking. Then we fell asleep cuddled up at gone 6am, slept for about 2 hours before getting up and doing pretty much the same thing: chatting and drinking tea. Conversation got a bit deep but we found out so much about one another, and even in those deeper things we are so alike it's borderline frightening.

It sounds funny to say though, based on all that, but he's not really my type. He's geeky and louder than me and he says the wrong things at the wrong times so he comes across as a bit strange at the first meeting. I normally wouldn't go for someone like him but I guess this is proof that I don't actually know what I want and that I should just throw caution to the wind and judge any opportunity based on my gut instinct.

I like that my cynical outlook on dating/relationships could be challenged like this. I like being proven wrong...