Monday, 4 July 2011

Anxiety issues.

I have suffered with an anxiety disorder since I was 16, and whilst I've always had it at the back of my mind, the coping strategies which I have developed over the last few years have meant that actually, it hasn't really bothered me.

Now, however, I have moved away from everything I know and love, am on my own with not very much stuff to show for it and suddenly I'm finding myself in the same position I was 6 years ago. I'm having short, intense breakdowns which take me about an hour to recover from, I'm having panic attacks and hyperventilating, and all of this because I have no routine any more. This has been the worst it has been in years and has been going on for about four days now, both before and after the move. Although, in defence of my crazy side, I haven't really done much to help myself.

For a start, I definitely should not have gone shopping in Morrisons, I should have driven to Tesco. They would have had all the things I know and am familiar with rather than forcing me to make decisions. For example, I know what type of cheese we have from Tesco: the Tesco own brand cheddar with the red headers. Do I know what strength that is? No. Do Morrisons use the same red headers? No. So did I know which cheese I like? No. They also didn't have the bread I like, the tinned fruit I like... and generally I found the whole experience very overwhelming and by the time I got to the refrigerated goods, I was feeling very light headed and getting worried glances from fellow shoppers at the depth of my breathing. It sounds stupid but I should have stuck to what I knew, especially at the moment.

I am, however, shopping aside, in a heightened state of anxiety which I expected, I've suffered this way every time I've moved/taken a new job in the past but I haven't been this bad since I was much younger. I'm starting to notice the obsessive behaviour coming back in (I have issues with the locks/bolts on my door and whether it's safe to open the blinds in my flat), the difficulty with sleeping is back because I can't use my coping mechanism of having the TV on and I'm finding the physical effects to be more severe before. For example, I have never ever gone off my food before, but I feel so sick even a piece of bread with jam on didn't go well.

I think I just need to keep busy, I'm fine until I stop. Must. Find. Something. To. Do...


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