Friday, 10 June 2011

I think I'm some sort of sexual-deviant.

They always say you should never sleep with someone on the first date. And that's not just one of the rules society has developed for itself over the years, nor is it just my being prude, but it is because sex creates certain emotions which basically make you feel more connected to your partner. This, obviously on a first date, is a negative thing as often it will make you feel connected to someone you are not really that interested in.

However, this is how it should be, yet I seem to suffer with the opposite problem. If there is a guy I like and really fancy, as soon as I've slept with them suddenly I just want to get out as quickly as possible, I feel really awkward and I would quite like to not see them again. Which is ridiculous, I was literally enjoying their company three hours ago, yet now I am basically panicking.

And I think it is worth pointing out here that the quality of the sex is not an issue. I mean, it can be absolutely lost-count-of-how-many-times-I-came amazing and this still happens.

I never used to have this issue with sex, and I want to know where it has come from and why I have this issue now? It's almost like I'm scared of how much more intense things get after sex that even in a sex-buddy scenario isn't working around my fears and problems.

And actually, I do know where this issue came from. It was from an ex who made me feel like sex was his right, almost like a possession, and his justification for demanding sex regardless of whether I wanted it or not would be "that's what boyfriend and girlfriend do". He was a lovely boy, remind me why I wasted 5 years of my life with him? Oh, and then to top it off, he slept with me an hour before he dumped me and kicked me out of the flat we shared. To be honest, I'm probably doing well not to have joined a nunnery, and really, it's no wonder I now have issues with sex and it's no wonder I'm scared afterwards so feel the need to build up some walls. I guess it's self-defence, and I guess in time it is something I will get over.

At least, right now, I'm having some amazing sex whilst I get over this crap. I'm sure this will help ease the pain.

I mean, seriously, there are no words to describe how amazing the sex was...

And now I'm just bragging. I'll go to bed...


Tiffani said...

Yeah, I dated a guy for a long time who had sex with me a day or two before we broke up. So, naturally I started having meaningless sex. I'm still freaked out by relationships, but not the sex.

little said...

i went through the same thing. my ex was an ass who thought that he could push me into sex by threatening things. after awhile we didn't have sex for 8 MONTHS! i thought it was me and that there was something wrong, but right when i kicked him out the sex drive kicked in. i think its all about feeling comfortable in your own skin. you're probably scared the same thing will happen again.

love, little.

The Southeast, Sex and Sanity said...

I wrote a post about this exact thing happening to me and how I got gripped by a sudden overwhelming need to make a huge amount of sandwiches. You can find it HERE . Chin up, I feel your pain! Charlie x

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