Saturday, 18 June 2011

Life would be easier if emotions were objective.

I don't think emotions are particularly clear-cut. When do you go from being unhappy to depressed; from happy to content; from jealous to angry/happy? And in those situations where you can't put a title to what you are feeling, does it matter? Surely it is just a word, which is inherently objective, and that can never fully explain anything so subjective as a feeling. Besides, us humans are so complex, how can one single elicitation ever do that justice?

The reason I'm asking these questions, which lets be honest, are a bit crazy and rambling, is because of a situation I find myself in today.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted briefly about a very messy night out with friends from uni. What happened on this night was that my friend pointed out a guy on our course and said she thought he was 'hot'. Now, this friend has a boyfriend of seven years. However, they are not very happy together and for this reason she has been making such proclamations about almost any guy who walks past, so I thought nothing more of it. Besides, this was the first time she had mentioned this guy, let alone commented that she thought he was hot, and what could she do about it anyway? Spend all evening making him think she would have the guts to cheat on her boyfriend with him before bottling it (and rightly so) and going home?

She does that a lot, but whilst this is never a good thing, it is even less of a good thing when it is with someone we know. So I told her to stop drooling and we changed the subject.

Later on, however, I ended up chatting to this guy about uni, our future jobs etc and then we hit the dance floor. He made a move on me which, I'll be honest, I reciprocated. My friend then kicked off, ignoring me for the rest of the evening except to call me every name under the sun and to accuse me of always needing to be the centre of attention (which hurt). She went home and I stayed out with said guy and a few other friends from uni.

I managed to smooth things over the next day with my friend, although I didn't apologise. After all, what did I have to be sorry for? But, to her credit, I think she realised this and she seemingly backed off. Yet every time I click onto my facebook and he has posted a status update, there is always a flirty reply from her or the two of them are making plans to meet up. And this gives me little pangs in my chest, which I assumed were guilt (given that I have since started sleeping with him in the purely casual arrangement I've mentioned in passing) but actually, seeing someone else flirting with him may actually be giving me little pangs of jealousy.

You see, when I last went over to his house, after fooling around for a few hours, his brother came home unexpectedly. We therefore had to dress rather quickly and we then spent another few hours just lying there talking. We get on really well like that, we always have done, so I just assumed that was the friendship side of things. But after an hour of chatting I realised we were actually cuddling. I didn't realise at the time, it just seemed natural and comfy, and even when I did notice, other than having a brief panic and working out an excuse to go home early, we stayed sat like that.

It was nice. Really nice, and I've almost been craving to be back there since then. So with that in mind, it perhaps seems likely that I have felt jealous when I've seen someone else flirt with him. The fact that she is one of my best friends is perhaps irrelevant, and actually, I have gotten far too involved. It's not guilt over sleeping with a guy she likes in secret, it's actual jealousy over the realisation that he isn't just interested in me.

I think I've mentally crossed the casual boundary. I think I need to get out.

Damn. Typical...


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