Memories.

Sorry I haven't blogged much recently, it's been a busy month. A hard month too, actually.

I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)

I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.

As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:

1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)

2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.

3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I have achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.

4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.

5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.

No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.

On that note...

Unexpected homesickness.

When I moved to London in July, I had been counting the days, hours and minutes for months (if not years) because getting away from there was my ultimate dream. I finally did it: I moved here, set up home, managed on my own despite threatening neighbours, living in a dodgy area, having all my furniture go missing and being skint. It has been absolutely everything I thought it would and more and I am so glad I did it. I love my pokey, slightly rough-round-the-edges flat and I love the independence I finally have.

Yet, I am still feeling homesick. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to go home on a permanent basis by any stretch of the imagination but I am having serious Devon cravings and I miss my family and friends so much it actually hurts to think about. I need a pasty, a walk to the beach and a chat with my Grandma; I need a flipping good night out with my girls and a catch up in the pub; I miss my guinea pigs and more than anything, I miss the people. It really has been a don't-realise-what-you've-got-til-it's-gone moment with them: I spent so much time focussing on what a shithole Plymouth is (and it is, I'm not denying that) that I forgot that actually, especially in the last couple of years, I had been very happy there and it was entirely down to the people. My friends picked me up when I was down, my family stood by me even when things got very tough between us all and now I really miss their companionship.

I guess I am, actually, getting a bit lonely here. I haven't seen anyone other than work people or my boyfriend for weeks because I've been so skint and it is, unfortunately, the one downside to living alone. I must rectify that this week, I must get out of the house.

I've booked my train tickets back home for half term at least, but it still seems like an age away despite how quickly the last three weeks have flown by.

Just down the road, the exact spot I intend to stuff my face with pasty.

It'll come round soon, though. And bring on the pasty ♥

Some secrets are best kept hidden.

I've been with my boyfriend for about six weeks now and he does not, nor will he ever find out about this blog.

I don't mean it  in a harsh way, and I will never say anything here about him that I wouldn't say to his face but sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to have somewhere to vent something.

Like today. I posted a vague tweet earlier in which I said I wanted to go home. Why did I say that? Because yesterday and today I am bloody homesick for Devon and Plymouth. It's not because I'm unhappy here, it's just because I miss it because it's beautiful and calm and I really want to go and sit on a beach right now and then pop to my Grandma's to watch X-Factor.

But even so much as mentioning it in passing and I get a full-blown inquisition and it is then decided that I absolutely must be very depressed or that I am not happy in my relationship.

Actually, I just miss my family and being at home. Nothing personal, no imminent signs of depression and nothing unusual or odd about missing friends and family and being jealous because I can see all my Plymouth friends are going on a night out tonight and I can't go.

Yet I get grilled about it and forced to talk about it for hours, which I don't want to do. It's not a big deal, it really isn't.

So for those moments, I'm glad I have my blog and I will strive to keep this little thing going as long as possible to keep me sane during these exact moments.

If you read this and help me keep this going, then thank you.

In other news, I'm off to the Notting Hill Carnival tomorrow. Any words of advice as to what to check out, let me know, though I'm sure it will be a great day regardless. Can't wait!

Summer bucket list

So I'm taking part in Mama's losing it and her weekly writing prompts again! This one was a nice challenge (50 is a lot) which has taken me nearly three days to write but it gives me focus for the 8 weeks I have free this summer.

50 things you want to do this summer

1. Have a bloody amazing 'last night' with the girls; 
2. Decorate my classroom ready for September; 
3. Sort out my flat to make it into a home; 
4. Learn my way around where I live and find how to get to everywhere I need to; 
5. Buy a bike! 
6. Meet up with S one evening; 
7. Maybe meet up with L? 
8. Catch up with NJ whilst she still lives in London; 
9. Go to the cute tea shop Stefany at Influence recommended; 
10. Go to Greenwich market; 
11. Go to Brick Lane market; 
12. Go to Camden market; 
13. Go to the pizza place in Covent Garden that has unusual toppings; 
14. Visit the Tate gallery; 
15. Go on a day-trip to the seaside; 
16. Visit Fortnum and Mason to their bizarre food hall; 
17. Have a night out in London! 
18. Read at least two classic novels; 
19. Read at least five other books; 
20. Start making my Christmas presents; 
21. Shop for a graduation outfit at Bluewater shopping centre; 
22. Meet/see a celebrity! For no reason other than I'd like the anecdote; 
23. Use a nightbus in London; 
24. Make a pizza from scratch; 
25. Sing at a kareoke night (to tick it off my general bucket list); 
26. Take up kick boxing again; 
27. Have my hair re-styled; 
28. Get a tan! Natural or fake, not fussy; 
29. Have a champagne cocktail; 
30. See a stand-up comedy show; 
31. Learn how to make different flavoured bread; 
32. See a west-end show; 
33. Try my Mum's family recipe for sticky toffee pudding; 
34. Take up running and try to maintain my fitness level; 
35. Make home-made lemonade; 
36. Meet at least one of my new neighbours (just because the rural girl in me doesn't want to totally fade); 
37. Go for a walk along the Thames from my house; 
38. Go on a bike ride along the Thames from my house; 
39. Bake and decorate a cake; 
40. Buy myself some nice new smart clothes for my first day as a teacher; 
41. Go to visit my Nan for the day; 
42. Go to visit my Dad for the day; 
43. Go on a week-long detox (next week); 
44. Actually unpack everything! I don't want any boxes lying around by September; 
45. Have a picnic on the southbank; 
46. Do not get involved with any men. At all; 
47. Try sushi; 
48. Have my first skype date in two years; 
49. Make some new friends! 
50. Get into a routine of keeping in touch with my current friends and family. I don't want to be forgotten... ♥

Driving through time.

I hate driving through Plymouth. Each and every place in this stupid city reminds me of something I've lost, something I should have done or a mistake I've made. I drive past my flat and drive on or past the roads I used to curse daily to get to it and I'm reminded of the mistakes I made. I drive along a road near the city centre and I'm reminded of my horrible school experience. I drive past certain shops and am reminded of arguments, I drive along certain roads and I'm reminded of crying during my driving lessons when my instructor shouted at me, I drive along a certain road and am reminded of one of the best things I ever did but can no longer do.

I know this sounds strange and a bit depressing, but driving through Plymouth late last night and seeing my whole life play out as I drove along the A38 didn't make me feel sad. It made me reflect on my life, on all those mistakes and bad times and how actually they have led me to where I am today. If I didn't hate this town, then the alternative would be to become one of them; to have no hope, no drive, no ambition and to be happy with exactly what I have, regardless of what my dreams once were or could have been. Mistakes help you learn what you really do want, they help you to recognise your flaws so you don't make the same mistakes again and they help you to move forward to better things. And that is exactly what I intend to do this month when I move.

And so, finally, that desire I had last night will be fulfilled - just keep driving, drive as far away as possible and don't look back. Leave the mistakes behind, take the lessons from them and move on to the better things you couldn't have otherwise had. Because, really, were they even mistakes/bad things? If they have all led me to this point, where I'm happy and have a promising future full with opportunities I can't even imagine, would I wish to have never been through it all? No way.

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that.

Panic.

I knew Plymouth would one day crush me, I just didn't see that it had already happened. I literally lay in bed all day yesterday sulking, crying and playing a load of self-indulgent songs from my ipod (we all do it sometimes, it helps to vent, or so I tell myself) at a single realisation.

In the world, there is something called the "Five degrees of separation" (or six, depending on what you read), which means that somehow, everyone in the world is the friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend *counts back to check* that you already know regardless of how you know that person, where they live etc. I think in Plymouth though, I think it's no more than 2 degrees at the very most, and realising that in anything more than a lighthearted "oh so you are so-and-so's sister?" way is beyond awful. I'm actually really worried, I've come so far and I just cannot, cannot, cannot go back. Not now.

When I finished my GCSEs aged 16, I had the worst two years of my life. The long summer was hell, with various 'friends' either making my life hell or, the lesser of two evils, not bothering with me at all. I was depressed, and spent every day of the summer on the internet talking to people online to not feel alone and to feel valid. Sixth form was worse, because those people who dragged me down were suddenly there every day again and seemed to be on some sort of vendetta against me to make my life awful. In English lessons for example, there were only 9 of us in the A-Level class and in our double lesson on Fridays we would take it in turn to bring in sweets. And then, every week except when it was my turn, the people in my group would proceed to pass the sweets round and would purposely not offer me any. No-one would sit next to me in the common room and I spent a lot of my time sat in the computer suite alone because at least there I could send an email or something to make myself feel better about having no friends.

By the final year there, I was barely going because I knew my self-esteem couldn't take any more. In fact, there was nothing left of my self-esteem. The only friend I had there was a girl who I used to go to the school gym with in the mornings, and together we developed anorexia and competed against each other for fitness and weight-loss aims but at least it felt safe because we were the same, we never told anyone what we did and it was our little secret. All of this self-destruction, I still believe now, was down to a few girls whom had been my 'friends', but who had constantly put me down to feed their own self-esteem and then turned on me to stop others from having anything to do with me.

Four years later, I'm sat here now a much stronger person. I have friends, I have a healthy relationship with food against all odds, I'm confident and I'm happy. The girls who dragged me down have nothing to do with me any more, and the ex boyfriend who ruined me last year is out of my life too. This last year has been the cherry on top in the process of sorting my life out and know if I hadn't got rid of those people from my life, I couldn't honestly say I'd even still be alive.

Until today, that is, I believed I was without them. But the 2 degrees of separation mean that I've realised without any facebook stalking (because they popped up on my feed in other people's photos) that they are creeping back in. They are one night away from being back in my lives again; they are in the outer proximities of my social group; they are now friends with other friends of mine they didn't know before and eventually, I can see it now, we will be invited to the same event and everything I've fought so hard to escape will be stood in front of me, gloating and bitching whilst I feel smaller and smaller until I want to cry.

Ex boyfriends too. I have enough trouble avoiding the one I see every time I go to uni that I didn't think to keep an eye out for the other one. He's the one who reduced me to nothing until I ruined our relationship before he proceeded to kick me out, keep all the stuff that was jointly owned and leave me homeless. He hurt me so much I've not even ever dealt with it, I think it's just been repressed and ignored and whilst you could argue that's not helpful, I didn't realise that until recently and even now I have no intention of digging it out again. Again, I just shunned him from my life but again, at some point, he will be there at the same time as me and I'll have to face it. I can see him there, I can see who he spends his time with now and I can see how my social group is starting to slide together with his. This is not the time in my life for this.

I feel so trapped, I feel like I have to watch my step, like I have to watch who I go out with, where and when in an attempt to keep those people from coming back and wreaking havoc in my life again. I know I'm stronger now, a part of me even thinks I could hold my head up high and manage it, but there's that little bit of me which is saying 'why risk that, keep your distance' because inside every one of us, there is still that insecure 16-year-old who doesn't take much knocking down.

I need to get out of here now. I know I can't, I know I have at least 1 month 3 days before I am truly free, but that cannot come soon enough because this city feels like a ticking time-bomb now, waiting to collapse around me and prove that actually, I'm not as strong as I thought. And I want that to be wrong, I want it to prove that I am strong when it happens but I can't take that risk right now because it's taken me four years to get to where I am today and I have better things to do with my life than spend another four years sorting myself out again.

Sorry for the rant but I'm panicking, in case you hadn't noticed. I just don't know what to do other than become a recluse and hide which won't help and it's messed with my brain so much I can feel my heart racing in my chest and my breathing becoming more panicky. I need to find a way to handle this, to keep everything from coliding again. I need a movie-esque (or at least mediocre-TV-programme-esque) plan...

The need to be witty.

Over the weekend, I joined a blogging forum, 20sb. This now means I have one whole follower and had more views in the last few hours than I have done since I migrated my blog! I now feel the pressure to post witty, interesting posts as opposed to the usual grumbles and observations. Now, wit is not my strong point. I do consider myself to be quite funny to chat to but I usually resort to sarcasm which, as my Mother tells me at least twice a week is, "the lowest form of wit". And as for my work? I work with 5 year olds, so any wit only extends to my performance with hand puppets! So maybe wit isn't my strong point, maybe I should just continue how I have been and see how my writing style pans out. This is, afterall, the first time I've written for an audience; I'm sure my writing will fill a genre at some point.

Anyway, the one thing which has been bugging me since I wrote my last post is the notion of friendship. Friends are funny little beans, and I find they always surprise you. The ones you think will be there for ever rarely are, and those you consider casual aquaintainces often become some of the best.

My best friend is someone I've known since my first day at my new primary school and despite boyfriends, having different friends, going to different schools and living in different cities, we've always been friends. We don't need to see each other very often, or even speak on the phone or via text, but whenever we're together it's like we live next door. I love her to bits and she is the one friend I can rely on (as long as I'm a bridesmaid next year, otherwise she's off the Christmas card list, hehe). This blog isn't about her though, she will be there; she will always be there and I know that. She's the exception that proves the rule.

My friends I have left from school are a varied bunch, and I was glad when they graduated a year ahead of me that they all came back and we carried on as if we were still at sixth form! However, after this weekend I'm feeling less sure of them, and even one of them with whom I think I am closest, I doubt I'll see again once I move. They are all moving in together in September, which is great for them, but I suspect I'll be an outsider within weeks and forgotten by the New Year. I love them now, but how long they will remain in my life I have to wonder.

As for my uni friends, who knows. One of them is a dear friend, but again, once I move, how much we will see one another I have to debate. Another, even though she is moving to London too, again I fear will filter out of my life. It's sad - I've spent every day with these girls, stressed about placements, cried over dissertations and been to so many student nights in Oceana I couldn't even count, but will it stand the test of time and distance?

Now I know that they aren't the only friends I'll ever make, as they fall out of my life new ones will fall in when I move and that's really exciting too. But I just have this horrible feeling that I'll be everyone's best friend when they want to come to London to shop or see a West End show, but that they will be more excited about where they are going rather than who they are going to stay with! They mean a lot to me, and I hope that the effort will be equal between us; me going to see them as much as they come to see me; them ringing me as much as I ring them and us always being interested in each others lives. I don't want to lose any of them, they're all wonderful in their own little way and we have some amazing fun together, and then there are those I know I can turn to when I need a cheer-up hug - I have a lovely balance right now and I'll miss that if I lose it.

Girls, please don't give me a reason to miss you.
x

New beginnings.

I keep thinking over how different my life will be this summer when I move to London. Whilst I currently live in a city, I live in a very small one at that, the pace of life is spectacularly different and the more I am realising the expectations are different.


Don't get me wrong, on gorgeous sunny days like today, Plymouth is the place to be.

Plymouth Hoe

But for the other 360 days of the year, it returns to it's usual guise of grey apathy and indifference. People here are generally happy with their lot in life, never aspiring to anything more and even if they do, they don't have the opportunities to progress so end up settling down quietly. It's something I've always known about Plymouth, and it's only been recently that I've been able to put my finger on what it is that makes me start crawling up the walls and browsing for cheap train tickets to London. And whilst that is obviously fine for some (and who I am to judge how others choose to live their life), it's not something I ever want to resign myself to. Hence why, on the 2nd of July this year (it's not a set date yet in anyway other than in my head), I'm moving to London.

Having been to London a few times recently for interviews and to visit friends or hit the shops, I'm now realising just how different things are:

The pace of life - whilst some people hate how fast paced and anxious London seems, I love it. People rush because they have somewhere to go, something better to be doing, someone they are desperate to see and it is that which epitomises my love for the city. Down here, if you saw a bus just closing the doors but there was another one in two minutes, no-one would even break out into a jog. Life is precious people, we should be fighting to enjoy and make the best of every second, and I wish people would realise that

The advert my friends talked about
(from the H&M website, I have no
rights to this image).

The style - In Plymouth, you are either a 'chav', an 'emo', a 'student' or a grown up. Which ever group you are in dictates the fashion you wear and the places you hang out. Everyone looks the same, no-one dares break the mould and when you do, you're mocked even for donning a bright lipstick. People look at fashion models and the people on the H&M adverts and question "who would wear that?" and state "well you can't wear that every day" or "no-one can work in heels like that". Yet in London, people wear what they want. There are no groups or cliques of fashion and trends, you can never feel too over-dressed or like you've made too much effort. And whilst this is a rather superficial observation, in some ways it isn't. In London, you fit in because you are one in 6 million, not because of the clothes you wear. And whilst it undoubtedly means I will spend my entire disposable income on clothes and shoes in my first few months, I hope it is as invigorating as it seems.

The things to do - In Plymouth, if it's raining, you either go: bowling, swimming, to the cinema, shopping or ice skating. If it's sunny, you go to: the Hoe, the Barbican or the beach. That is literally it. You struggle to think of new things to do after only a month-or-so simply because there is nothing new to think of, nothing new to do. When I move to London, I'm going to make a pact with myself - I will not go to the same place twice in my first year. Because I can, because I want to experience new things, meet new people, eat new foods and find new things that I didn't even know existed..

The food - This links to my pledge from the last point, because there is so much more to experience than what I can find here. On browsing the yellow pages, you find only 8 different cuisines listed, and one of those is 'British', and I want more. On visiting Brick Lane market with a friend last summer, the food hall there gave me more choice than I'd ever had before, and that was one small hall in one small part of London. I want to eat Ethiopian food, snack on Vietnamese products and guzzle down the tastes of Turkey, I want to try new vegetables, see new ways of cooking and, above all, take them home with me. Whilst I do love my 'Homepride' pasta bakes, there is more to food than that.

Travel opportunities - I want to go on the Eurostar and go to Paris! I want to fly away for the weekend to Prague, to Amsterdam, to Rome, to Madrid... and I want to do it all without a 4 hour trip to the airport either side of the trip.

Can you tell I'm getting rather excited about moving to London? I think I'm even more excited because I'm doing it on my own, not with a boyfriend, not even with a friend and although I will know people in London, I'm far enough away that what I do with my time is completely within my own control. Sounds amazing, I can only hope it lives up to my expectations, though seeing as life is what you make it, I'm sure it will.