Freaking out.

I am being forced to move house, because, let's face it, two burglaries in four months really was enough. I'm moving in with other people for the first time since living with people in university halls put me off, but only for 5 months because in the middle of all that, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him which will happen in August, after his tenancy has ended.

And, despite all of that, I do not want to move. I really, really do not want to move. I love this horrible, unsafe, scabby little flat so much because it was mine - It was the place I chose on my own, it was the place I bought my furniture for, it was the place I had been working towards having since I left school. It's beautiful, quiet and even though it's far away from just about everywhere, obviously unsafe, has dreadful carpets and curtains and I have annoying neighbours, I love it. I love living here, and I love living on my own. Other people are annoying, want to talk all the time, judge me from sitting on the sofa all day at the weekend, judge what I eat, judge what I do or do not do... I literally cannot think of anything worse than living with other people, my boyfriend included and all in all, I don't want any of this to be happening, not even a little bit.

Living with other people is like being on show all of the time. I can't spend all day on the sofa if I want to, I can't eat nutella from the jar for dinner if I have other people to feed too, I can't walk around with my Diana Ross-style natural hair without straightening it, I can't set my alarm for 20 minutes before the time I actually need to get up and press the 'sleep' button repeatedly, I can't put my deodorant on and then get back into bed when it's too cold to stand around and wait for it to dry, I can't spend whole evenings sat using the internet, I can't get up at the time I want to get up at weekends, I can't bleach my moustache and still wander around doing other things, I can't decorate the way I want to...

Generally, I am too selfish to live with people and my boyfriend rarely lets me get my own way, so I will be living his life AND I DON'T WANT TO. I don't care how many of my friends and family keep talking about me behind my back (although, fair play, they do tell me what they say to my face later) because apparently going out with someone for 12 months and not wanting to live together is weird, or not even living with someone by the age of 24 is weird, I DO NOT CARE. I LOVE LIVING ON MY OWN AND I LOVE HAVING MY OWN THINGS AND MY OWN LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO MOVE AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIVE SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE.

I literally cry every time I think about it. I do not want any of this to be happening. I want to stay here in my own comfort zone, living my own life. I don't want this, any of it.

Someone make it stop, please?

Thursday Thoughts

I am starting to love Thursday Thoughts, I love the reflection time.

This one speaks very true to me this week, and in the two days since I read it, the advice has done me a load of good. I need to remember this...

I am so, so bored...

I am up and down more than a see-saw at the moment, but basically, my life is crap. This is affecting my mood because I am either wandering around, forcing myself into a bubble of ignorance and pretending that everything is great, or I am fully embracing feeling sorry for myself, crying and moping on the sofa.

To cut a long, self-indulgent rant short, there is nothing massively wrong with my life. In the grand scheme of a word full of poverty, hunger, war, cancer etc, my life is pretty good and I feel guilty for feeling this way but I am just not happy. My relationship is pretty much over (a rant for another day), my confidence is shot, my career is at a stand-still and I have nothing to look forward to. With no prospect of a holiday, or even a significant event in the future (this side of May anyway, and that's a long way away) to keep my spirits up, I am finding every day a struggle - What exactly am I getting out of bed for every day? What do I have to look forward to to make the mundane daily routines bearable?

Answer to that: Sweet fuck all.

I still have no social life, my boyfriend has no time for me (or, rather, is not making time for me - I think he's doing that thing where he pushes me away so I dump him so that he doesn't have to) and life is so incredibly boring I am on the verge of tears even thinking about it. I get up, do the same work routine when I get to school, then teach, then mark, then go home. Nothing more and nothing less, the exact same every day.

Surely, weekends are more exciting? No. Last week I was ill so missed the one social event of the term and all my friends are either in Plymouth or too busy with their real lives to bother with my petulant "I'm booooooooored" whining.

However, last time I thought I may want more drama in my life, I was burgled. So perhaps the moral of the story is to shut up and appreciate the normality of my boring life.

I am actually starting to go mad. I need something to do, some excitement, or at least the prospect of some to get excited about? I could easily scream right now...

Quote of the day.

“It often occurs that pride and selfishness are muddled with strength and independence. They are neither equal nor similar; in fact, they are polar opposites. A coward may be so cowardly that he masks his weakness with some false personification of power. He is afraid to love and to be loved because love tends to strip bare all emotional barricades. Without love, strength and independence are prone to losing every bit of their worth; they become nothing more than a fearful, intimidated, empty tent lost somewhere in the desert of self.”

- Criss Jami

Six months later.

(Disclaimer - this is a very uncharacteristic post for me, as it's not a moan or a bitch. It's actually pretty soppy. If you do not like a PDA, then this will make you vomit. You have been warned...)

So, six months have been and gone with Mr A. Don't get me wrong, it's hardly been a fairytale, with ups and downs and a fair few "he's an idiot" moments (and I'm sure this feeling would be reciprocal, if he were to have his say), but things are now absolutely amazing. I'm finally in a relationship I enjoy being in, without being controlled or changed, and my life is still very much my own. I don't have any of the anxiety I usually have in relationships because I still decide what I want to do and am in no way having any decisions about my life made for me.

We bounce off of each other, have such a laugh together and are definitely in love. Actual, real love; love like neither one of us has experienced before. He told me five months ago that he didn't know what "love" was, but now I know he does. He tells me, yes, but I can also tell from the way he looks at me. When I'm cooking or just sorting out some washing or something equally mundane, I sometimes catch him watching me with these amazing eyes and a unique smile, one I only ever see when he's about to tell me he loves me. So I know, and so does he. And he's even beginning to open up with the soppy stuff. When I went back to Plymouth for a week earlier in the holidays, when I got back, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "don't ever go away for that long again".

This, coming from a guy who would, six months ago, never have said anything even remotely soppy, and I know things are good. I feel more secure now, having felt quite insecure in the first place due to his constant desire to keep me at a distance, refusing to admit that he actually liked me, but now all that silly crap has stopped, he's opened up, I'm more able to open up and things are really amazing.

He is even meeting my family next week. I'm so nervous I may cry, although I don't know why. My family have been lovely to much worse guys than Mr. A in the past, and I'm sure he will be fine. I guess I just really want them to like this one, you know?

So what is the point of this post? Just to document the passing of the last six months and to admit to you lot that, as much as I moan and bitch sometimes, I am actually very happy. I'm in a relationship with a guy who I adore, who adores me, who makes me better and who will never try to change me.

Happy Summer :)

Memories.

Sorry I haven't blogged much recently, it's been a busy month. A hard month too, actually.

I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)

I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.

As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:

1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)

2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.

3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I have achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.

4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.

5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.

No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.

On that note...

How do you make friends?

When you're a kid, making friends just sort of happens. You turn up to a new place with a load of other new people and you just start talking, play together, go to each other's houses etc and soon enough you have a group of friends and a 'best friend' you can share all your secrets with. This might last for a week (on holiday, for example), a year until you move into different classes or even last until you're both grown up and spend all your time talking about relationships, weddings, babies and the cost of milk (or rather, discussing how you should be talking about those things but are still out getting drunk every weekend).

But, when you are an adult, friendships don't fall into place that easily. Even at work, where I joined as one of 11 new staff last September, it still takes a lot of effort for any of us to meet up outside of school and our friendships, although good in school, aren't quite at that stage where I could just text someone today for a spontaneous cup of coffee or a cheeky drink down the local. It still takes planning and the whole "who else is coming?" conversation, because it has to be a group thing when you're still forming new friendships, at least a week in advance to make any sort of plans. And it sucks.

When the weather is nice (for example, last weekend), you want to be able to plan a quick picnic, drink in a beer garden or even a trip to the beach. You can't plan it in advance, because let's face it, the British weather isn't that predictable, but you need to have those sorts of friendships where you can just ring people, get in the car and go. The same applies when you suddenly find you have a spare afternoon: you want to have someone to ring and meet for a cup of tea, lunch, any sort of activity but without those friendships in place it is hard. You don't want to be the only one trying to make plans or the only one who is seemingly sad enough not to have anything to do so you just stay quiet.

I don't think it is just me being socially awkward? I do wonder if I am finding it harder because everyone else I have met has pre-existing friendships from their life before this year, whereas I don't have that. Not here anyway, and it is starting to bother me now. I thought things were turning around for me, I thought I was getting to know more people but it turns out we're only really friends as part of a group and the group has pretty much fallen apart this last week. Things have gotten too messy.

I'm feeling quite lonely here now, and it's only Monday of half term. I have another week yet, and then only six weeks in which to change this situation before I have a very lonely six week summer holiday.

How the hell do you make friendships as an adult?

(Although I have realised in writing this that maybe I need to be more organised with making plans in the first place. Something to focus on next half term...)

I can see clearly now my brain has gone.

I still remember singing that line over the real lyrics in primary school singing assembly and it still makes me laugh.

In all seriousness, I am much clearer on things now than I was yesterday. Thank you so much to everyone who commented and reassured me that I was at least, in some parts, right and that I should not settle for someone who was settling with me... if that makes sense.

I had a discussion with him last night about it all, and he was upset that I had been upset by it. He told me that we don't need words and names to describe how we're feeling because he knows that he likes me more than he has ever liked anyone before, that I'm the only person he's ever wanted to see as much, the only person he has ever enjoyed sleeping in the same bed with and the only person things have ever felt this easy with. Whether I believe him or not, he knows that he loves me and that even if I don't believe him now that he's going to convince me.

He is so right (although don't tell him that I said that). We're both happy, that's all that matters.

I'm more than happy. They haven't invented words for how happy I am with things so far. We just fit, we want the same things from life and each other, we feel the same things and that's what's important. Not the words that we put on things.

So, I'm officially signing my brain out of this relationship. Clearly when I over-think the things he says, I end up more confused. If I'm confused or upset, I'll ask, rather than stew on it for a few hours before asking him. He doesn't always mean the things that he says in the way they come across, so really, what's the point in worrying when there is probably nothing to worry about?

So, thanks brain. You've served me well thus far but I think we are pretty much done here.

(Maybe jump in if I'm about to do something stupid though, yeah? Don't let me ignore any red-alerts...)

My boyfriend doesn't believe in love.

Yesterday, he kept asking me if I loved him. I dodged around the question a bit: we've been together for a couple of months and whilst I am falling head over heels for him, I'm not quite there yet.

Then, this morning in a different conversation, he said he didn't know what love was. So, I called him on it. I asked him why he was so desperate to hear me say that I loved him if he had no intention of saying it back to me. He then asked how I was so sure that he wouldn't say it to me, so we had a bit of a discussion.

He said that he doesn't know what love is, but he was with someone for 4 years so that must have been love. He thinks that he couldn't possibly like me any more than he already does, so that must be love, but that he doesn't know what love is and he's just assuming this is it.

I tried to convince him that he's wrong - if you have any doubts, have to think about it or somehow convince yourself that you are in love then that just is not it, but he wasn't having any of it. He's adamant that as much as he likes me now, that's as much as it's ever possible to like anyone, but yet he still thinks love doesn't exist.

That can't be it, surely? Don't get me wrong, I have never been in love before. Not really, and I guess the reason I walked away from relationships which were 'ok', or 'good enough' despite the person I was with being in love with me was because I thought love was this amazing feeling which completely changes everything and it was something worth taking a risk to have. It's this thing which erases all doubts, it takes over every thought in your mind and makes you feel that kind of scared which is actually good for you. When you are with them, you feel like you are the only and most amazing girl in a packed room, you feel as if nothing you could do or say would ruin things because you are on a pedestal in their eyes and not only that, but they make you believe it is actually true, no matter what you think of yourself.

Maybe I have been raised on too many Disney films, but that has to be true, it just can't be any other way. Thinking about couples I know, just having strong feelings for each other can't be enough to spend 53 years with someone who must drive you round the bend most of the time; to forgive them when they betray you or to hurt so much when they do that even 17 years won't be long enough for you to get over it; to be prepared to change your whole life and move to a different continent just to wake up next to them every day; to wait by their bedside for years whilst their mind and body are gradually destroyed... just liking someone a lot is not enough to put up with those things so that absolutely, 110% cannot be it. It just can't be.

Anyway, love must exist. I see it in my Grandparents. I see the strength my Grandma shows when my Grandad goes for his cancer treatment, I see the resilience she shows to him having become increasingly deaf through the years, to the strange and inexplicable things he does more and more often. Love must be the only thing that stopped her battering the daft git half to death years ago, it's the reason she cries herself to sleep now and the reason that she always stands up for him, no matter how insane he has been... Love does those things, not "like". Like just isn't powerful enough.

Call me an old romantic, and I didn't think that I was, but I refuse to believe what he says.

Someone please tell me that I'm right and that it's worth waiting for, worth fighting for... please?

Probably not the "Disney love" I meant thanks, Google...

Yes, the first time I admit I am an adult.

I love my Plymouth girls so much. We've grown up together, known each other for so long I can't remember being without them, but this weekend I think we all realised that actually, now we have grown up (as much as I hate to admit that I'm not still 18...) our friendships have changed.

I came back to Plymouth to see everyone for the first time in 8 weeks but I had missed nothing. No-one has been out on a night out, celebrated anything or even met for a coffee in that time and whilst it's great to think that I haven't missed anything, it was sad to realise that this is how "grown up" friendships actually work: Hardly seeing each other because we're so busy working, so tired when we do meet that we can't be bothered to go out and (the other girls more so than me) spending most of our free time with boyfriends.

I guess this is what growing up feels like, or so my mum said.

Plus, I now feel like the odd one out for not being in a "serious relationship", whatever the hell that means, whereas only 18 months ago I was the odd one for being in one. Because I'm not desperate to get married in the next 2 years or not even in a relationship which is anything more than casual, I now get the patronising, "ahh, well, that's ok..." comments which suddenly make me feel like I'm strange.

Am I strange for not wanting those things yet? For not wanting to be tied down? For wanting to be able to take any opportunity which comes my way without having to worry about someone else? For not wanting to be held back, or potentially hold someone else back? Don't get me wrong, I love being in a couple again but I couldn't go back to the ties and commitments I found myself in before. I've just turned 23 for goodness sake, why am I the odd one out for not being in a rush to grow up? Don't get me wrong, I'm SO happy my friends are happy and feel ready for that commitment, but we're young, surely it's ok not to want that?

I don't really know who I am yet, never mind be sure what I want for the future. That isn't really that unusual, surely?

I don't trust myself.

I don't trust my gut instinct anymore.

I am very aware of the fact that I have felt similar to this before about a guy and then had my whole life completely ruined by him. Which may sound like an exaggeration, but he took everything: my home, money, dignity, sense of self worth... You name it, and he took it.

And now I'm worried that I have met someone who I genuinely believe is amazing. He's not my type, but with my previous record, that can surely only be a good thing and everything, right now, is... perfect. Everything from how compatible we are to the timing of it all and what we want from life/a relationship are in sync, and it suddenly seems so easy. Relationships have always been hard, stressful, a balancing act but this doesn't feel like that. It's easy and natural and all my gut instincts are screaming that this is right yet my brain keeps saying "ah yes, but remember the last one. You thought he was ok too. And the one before that..."  Don't get me wrong, I feel completely different about this one (don't ask me how it's different, it just is), but still, there's a part of me which doesn't want to get too close yet just in case I'm wrong. Again.

Because, let's face it, when I get things wrong I get them spectacularly wrong. This is why I don't make decisions, because I'm absolutely dreadful at them.

And with the prospect of a new job offer in the next 3 weeks, I have another life-changing decision to make. In theory, it's my dream job, but it isn't the easy choice. The easy choice would be to stay put at a school I like 3/5 days a week, rather than go for the only job I have ever enjoyed 5/5 days.

It may seem pointless me talking about this when I haven't had the interview yet, and in fact, I haven't even applied. But one of our headteachers has been seconded to run a federation of schools and this is one of them so I've already been told if I want the job, it's mine. This means that at the point I decide to apply, the decision is made. I'm procrastinating from the decision until after half term, but it's funny how time flies when you don't want it to. Half term will be over in a heartbeat and I'll have to decide: to go or not to go, to stay at my school for another year (because another year would be more than enough) and consolidate what I have achieved there, or skip my plan ahead a year and take one of only 2 jobs in the borough which are what I want to do.

I HATE MAKING DECISIONS.

*has a tantrum*

Being proven wrong.

I didn't believe that anyone is ever necessarily a 'perfect match' in terms of relationships. That was, until I met the guy I'm going to refer to as Mr. A. He is basically me.

We have pretty much everything you could think of in common. We like the same music, have the same hobbies, have the same job (we even teach the same year group), have the same sense of humour, are an even match in terms of intellect, confidence and ambition... we could not be a better match. He even drinks green tea.

He's possibly a more exaggerated version of me, in that he's louder, more geeky, more intelligent, more confident and more positive, but I like that. He's the first person I've met in a while who really challenges me, if that makes sense?

I have only been involved with him out of group situations for a week but it feels like I've known him forever. We went to the pub last Friday after a conference and spent five hours sat chatting without a single silent or awkward moment and have not stopped texting since. He invited me out with his housemates last night and we had an absolutely brilliant night which included sharing a few cheeky kisses on the dance-floor. We had to call it a night earlier than usual because the snow was getting pretty thick by this point, so we attempted to get home, got as far as we could on the Night Bus before it terminated and then he walked me home. I obviously did not send him home (given that I live about an hours walk from his house and the snow was about 5cm deep and getting worse) so he came in and we ended up sat chatting for hours.

It felt so comfortable and so, so natural, as if we spent every Saturday night sat with a cup of tea talking. Then we fell asleep cuddled up at gone 6am, slept for about 2 hours before getting up and doing pretty much the same thing: chatting and drinking tea. Conversation got a bit deep but we found out so much about one another, and even in those deeper things we are so alike it's borderline frightening.

It sounds funny to say though, based on all that, but he's not really my type. He's geeky and louder than me and he says the wrong things at the wrong times so he comes across as a bit strange at the first meeting. I normally wouldn't go for someone like him but I guess this is proof that I don't actually know what I want and that I should just throw caution to the wind and judge any opportunity based on my gut instinct.

I like that my cynical outlook on dating/relationships could be challenged like this. I like being proven wrong...

"So, how's your love life?" Shut up, Nan.

I am now, not only the only single girl left in my group of friends, but also the only single person left in my family.

Being single is just plain sad. When you have to constantly justify the fact that your life is actually fine without a partner in it and when people hear you aren't on a man-hunt, you sound like a spinster. Then you get the questions about your love life from relatives, to which you reply with some element of pride that you don't actually have one, and you get the patronising "aaaaaaww, well, that's ok..." comment which I'm sure spinsters hear all the time.

However, whether or not it is sad, I like being single and whilst I have no intention of changing that any time soon, I don't intend on checking into Spinster Towers. I've met a couple of guys so far this year and I'm enjoying that buzz you get when you first meet someone and you wonder if anything will happen, do they like you etc (the teenage crush feeling). I like flirting, although I'm still dreadful at it, and I like that I'm finding out more about myself and what I actually want from life and relationships.

Plus, I like having butterflies back in my tummy. They haven't been fluttering for a long time...

Cynicism

What if my being cynical is the very thing which is stopping me from having the things my cynical self is convinced doesn't exist?

What if, because I don't believe in soul mates or any of that crap, I will never find one because I will settle? Maybe that's why I settle in relationships which have never really worked for a variety of reasons. What if relationships aren't actually hard?

What if I don't have relationship issues and I don't hate being vulnerable, but rather I have never been with someone who I'm comfortable being like that with?

What if I continue to think like I currently do and end up settling, never being able to truly open up and spend my whole life wondering "what if?"

I don't know why this occurred to me today, but it did. Maybe I need to change my perspective...

The best gift ever.

Linking up with Mama Kat's writers workshop today, following the prompt: "The best gift ever!"

Why does my wrapping never look that neat?!

My first thought when I read the prompt was that I should, through the course of writing, come to the conclusion that the best gifts you get are the ones which are free, i.e. love, happiness etc. So I sat and soul searched, rummaged through photos of Christmases and birthdays past to find some inspiration but it turns out that, if I'm being honest, I'm a bit too materialistic to remember most of the "priceless" gifts that I feel like I should be sharing.

Of course I have priceless memories (my Dad dropping the flaming Christmas pudding on the carpet, my Grandad getting drunk and trying to reverse his classic car out of his garage at my birthday party, so many classic nights out with my amazing friends I couldn't recall them all), but I don't consider them gifts as such. Yes, they are the things which make a day memorable, but the presents are the cherry on the cake. Or, at least, they should be. This got me thinking about last Christmas and how the gifts I received really do stick in my mind, but probably for the wrong reasons.

My boyfriend, last year, bought me a whole array of presents, but each one was selected to correct one of my faults. By this I mean that I asked for a new watch so he bought me two, and wrote on the tag that the second one was for when I lose the first one. Charming. And basically, everything in the bag was either to replace things I had lost or broken in the last few months (complete with little gift tag reminding me that he had bought me new ones because I was too useless to have kept the last ones) or gifts I just didn't really get.  So why am I writing about this? Because these presents gave me the gift of knowledge - he didn't love me despite my faults, he liked pointing them out because he was one of those people I tend to attract who need to put other people down to make themselves feel better. I was then able to keep an eye out for more of this, more times when he made me feel shit and eventually things, not through lack of trying, finally came to an end. If only I had paid more attention to the sign, rather than putting up with more attempts to put me down, maybe I would have had a better year. But hindsight is a beautiful thing, and you can only learn from your experience.

The Christmas before that gave me the knowledge that actually, my family didn't know me. The presents they chose were so far away from what I would have chosen for myself that I realised it was no wonder they didn't choose things I would like because I had so badly distanced myself from them. I therefore made it my new years resolution to spend more time with my family. I did, and we're closer than ever, plus, I finally have a non-volatile relationship with my Mum.

So I guess, whilst probably not having approached this writing prompt in the way that was intended, without those presents I would be living a different, potentially worse life. They made me realise what needed to change and I hope now that those things have, this Christmas and my whole future will be better for it.

Or they taught me just to ask for money to buy my own presents in the sales. One of the two...

The stages of being single.

I go through stages when I'm single, and I'm sure I can't be the only one? So I thought I'd share my stages with you all in the hope that someone relates to me, confirming that I'm not completely mental and heading for a life as a spinster... although this may be a real possibility anyway (hurray for cats!)

My stages of singledom.

1) The initial break-up - This includes the initial upset, anger, guilt, denial, attempts to rebuild the relationship or any combination of these.

2) The "men/women are wankers"stage - You convince yourself that actually, being a spinster with a lot of cats isn't actually that bad. (I'm at this stage right now and I'm still convinced my life will be better if I'm on my own and independent).

3) The "men/women are still wankers but I still have needs" stage - Yes, I mean sex. This is when the desperate attempts to pull on nights on tends to occur, along with the dreaded one-nighters which always seem like a good idea at the time.

4) The "total independence" stage - You realise that actually, you are doing fine on your own. The desperation has gone and you've realised that when the time is right, someone will come along.

5) The "what do I have to lose?" stage - You begin dating again. Nothing comes of it, but you go out with one or two guys and are not really bothered about the outcome. Your love life settles for a few months with a few short-term relationships or the odd fling, between which you are happy to be single.

6) The "oh shit, I'm actually going to be single forever" stage - If you don't end up in a relationship out of the previous stage, panic sets in. Online dating profiles are made and standards are lowered.

7) The "I've given up" stage - This will then, ultimately,  result in a repeat of stages 2-6.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this?

What women really want.

I'm a member of a few different online discussion forums, and one thing that keeps coming up is to do with dating and the associated hopes and expectations. I guess this is a fairly common conversation? I suppose it's not something I've ever really noticed before, I've never been single for longer than 5 months and even now I'm off the market, I still thought this combined list would be worth sharing with you all.

So what have I observed from these discussions? And guys, you may want to listen up. (I'd like to point out that these aren't in order, nor are they necessarily my opinions.)

1. We don't like guys who smoke, unless we smoke ourselves. So open up your possibilities and quit. It's nearly the first complaint on everyone's "don't" list, so it's a biggie.
2. We like guys who are self-motivated and driven. Apathy and lethargy are very unattractive traits. It doesn't need to be career, you don't need to be a high-flyer and raking in the cash, we just want to know that you want more from life and that you have a passion for something!
3. We don't want to compete with a guys affection - if you love yourself more than us we are out the door. That doesn't mean a well kept man isn't desirable, of course it is, but if you take longer to get ready for a night out than I do then you'll quickly find yourself uninvited.
4. Oh, and to elaborate - "well-kept" means no BO, no bad breath, no messy hair, tidy facial hair if you keep any, and an ironed shirt. Also, clean, appropriate and neat shoes. So many girls judge a guy by their shoes!
5. Never ever ever use a chat-up line. Or that stupid book in the UK that apparently tells men how to chat up women. We don't want to talk about your stupid made up jobs or whatever else it tells you to do. You know you are not a 'dolphin shaver', so do I, and we think it's offensive that you consider us unworthy of any real conversation.
6. And in a similar point, don't play games. Don't do the three-day-waiting rule, we're worth a text at least!
7. If you've made it past the first few hurdles and you are in with the family too, great. But do not, under any circumstances, slag off your partner's family (this isn't just for guys either). I may hate my mother, she may be a bitch and she may be pretty stupid sometimes, but only I can say that because they are MY family and I love them regardless. And God forbid you diss my little brother... (ok, that bit is me speaking). Oh, and the same goes for friends.
8. Everyone has the right to be picky: us girls do (this blog being a prime example!) and you should too. So, if I feel for a minute that I meet your standards simply because I'm the right gender, then you're gone. I don't want to be who you 'settle' for because no-one else came along. Have some more self-respect and confidence in yourself than that, and more respect for us too.
9. Tardiness. Don't be late. For anything. Ever. (Ok, it may just be me who is that bothered by this, but a lot of people I spoke to hate to be left waiting, and persistent lateness really is a no-no for everyone.)
10. Manners - this means different things to different people, but we all want to be treated with respect and we want to see that you treat everyone with that respect too. So saying please and thank you, tipping in restaurants, holding doors open (not in a chivalrous way, I can open my own door thanks, but if you walk through it first don't let it slam in my face)... everyone pointed out something along this line which was a pet-peeve for them.  So remember what your Nan told you, it still stands true today.
11. When you text/email/IM/BBM us, remember that you have to talk to us in the same way via any medium. So be nice, polite and think: "would I say this to her face at all/in that way/in that tone?" If the answer is "no", don't say it.

I started writing this on 12/4/11 and have had it saved as a draft for a while, adding more as I ask more people and try to establish some sort of consensus. I've tried to keep this from being a bitch-fest about certain men, and at the end of the day, there's not much about ourselves that we can change - if someone doesn't love you for you then let them walk away. If, on the other hand, you're guilty of any of the above, sort it out or at least tone it down and you, by my reckoning, stand a much better chance.

Hope I helped/hope you agree!

A long over-due update.

This week has been absolutely amazing.

I did it. I gave him the letter. We talked and he listened to me, he understood and the whole thing went better than I ever could have imagined. We aired everything that was a problem, we talked about things we didn't even realise were causing problems and it felt great to be free of it all and to really have him listen to me. A lot of my suspicions were confirmed (mainly to do with other people butting their noses in) but the main ones were not. I know he loves me for the right reasons now, I know he always did and I'm only sorry it's taken me until now to realise it. But now it's out, we both know where we stand and at that moment, we sat in the restaurant and looked at each other, realising everything we had ever wanted and, when all is said and done, that we have nothing to lose but perhaps a whole lifetime of happiness to gain from trying again. I fell in love with him all over again in that second and from the moment he reached out and grabbed my hand, we took on a completely different relationship and laughed, joked and talked for hours.

Actually, not just hours. Days. This was last Tuesday, it is now Sunday night and I have just got back home. I could try to explain how amazing these last few days have been but they would not do it any justice at all because they have been the best few days I've had in years and suddenly, my future, as well as my present, seems so much brighter.

If only I didn't hate being at home now because you're not here.

And so the soppy, new relationship type thing starts. And I could not be happier.

Back to reality tomorrow. I have a classroom to sort...

I'm not sure if I'm scared or excited.

A few weeks ago, I posted a letter I wrote to my ex. On Tuesday, I am actually going to give it to him. I have edited it quite a bit, after all, it was written at 2am in an insomniac state, but on Tuesday I can finally put those issues with him to rest.

You see, we've been talking a lot since graduation on Thursday and we both really want to at least salvage our friendship if nothing else. However, to do that, we need to air all the stuff that brought us down before because unless we completely break our relationship, we can't truly fix it. And I'm excited in a way because it means it will mean we can be in each other's lives again but, at the same time, I'm terrified. He is writing a letter too, which is great because it means he can get out some of the things he never told me but that does make me nervous. I mean, he has never once said anything negative about me or our relationship and whilst it was obviously not a good thing that he kept things bottled up, it means I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I know that nothing in my letter is that new to him, although he would never really listen before and would usually dismiss it, what ever he says to me will be new and probably quite painful to hear.

But it needs to be done and if it means I have my best friend back at the end of it all then great. If it means I have the person I still believe I am supposed to be with back at the end, then even better.

God I want this to work with him. I love that arrogant git so much. And yet he's actually going to listen to me for once...

How did I get here?

How did I go from being confident and independent to sitting in my car crying because my graduation day tomorrow has been pretty much ruined before it's even started? I was doing fine in my little bubble of ignorance back in London, I could keep myself busy so as not to let these thoughts get to me. But now I'm here, it's getting to me. Really, really getting to me.

My Grandparents won't come because they don't want to get in the middle of this crap. My Dad is affectionately referring to the day as "the bloodbath". My Mum is still sulking and can't even muster up some fake pride. My ex-boyfriend will be there and given how stupidly in love with him I still am, despite how much he hurt me, that will really be the cherry on top of the giant shit that will be tomorrow.

I literally feel the lowest I've felt in months, if not years. Tomorrow is the day every horrible thing in my life will be in the same room. For 2 hours, if not longer. And every time I think about it, I cry.

Bring on the next 24 hours. Let's get them over and done with as soon as possible so I can go back to pretending my life is OK, my family aren't messed up and I don't miss that horrible, amazing boy.