I am 23.

Not 63. Or 53. Or, even, 33 for that matter. I am 23.

I want to spend my Friday night going to the pub, having a few cheeky drinks with a group of lovely friends, and wobbling home far too late. I then want to spend my Saturday morning cooking a greasy fry-up, sitting on my sofa watching cookery programmes which show recipes I will never cook and then go to the gym before an afternoon of shopping, cinema or some general fun activity. On Saturday night, I then want to go out, drink enough that I want to dance the hours away, not have a massive argument with my boyfriend, who is a vile drunk, and then spend the hours between 2 and 4am on the night bus. This ideal weekend should then be topped off by spending Sunday on the sofa, swearing that I will never drink again, and watching endless repeats of some sitcom one of the satellite channels are showing.

I do not want to spend all three evenings of my weekend stuck in, sitting on the sofa or playing cards. I will repeat, I am not 53.

I do not want to spend all threes days sitting around on the sofa or going shopping, cinema etc on my own. I AM NOT 53.

And, whilst we are at it, I do not want to live with my boyfriend, get married or have children. I AM 23 AND THAT IS OK!!!

In case you were wondering, yes, I am getting quite grumpy. Don't get me wrong, if that's how you want to spend your life and you are happy then great, and I am happy for you, but don't try to make me jealous of your life or drag me into it. It is ok to be 23 and want to go out and enjoy life, but when everyone in my life is either older or settling down, it suddenly doesn't seem ok to act my age! And, please bear in mind that when I say "older", I mean 27/28 ish. Which yes, is not old, but the four or five year difference seems to make such a big difference - everyone that age seems to be fine with spending a whole weekend stuck indoors and acting like 50-something's, rather than going out. I want to go ooooooooooout! *stamps foot like a petulant toddler*

I am so, so bored...

I am up and down more than a see-saw at the moment, but basically, my life is crap. This is affecting my mood because I am either wandering around, forcing myself into a bubble of ignorance and pretending that everything is great, or I am fully embracing feeling sorry for myself, crying and moping on the sofa.

To cut a long, self-indulgent rant short, there is nothing massively wrong with my life. In the grand scheme of a word full of poverty, hunger, war, cancer etc, my life is pretty good and I feel guilty for feeling this way but I am just not happy. My relationship is pretty much over (a rant for another day), my confidence is shot, my career is at a stand-still and I have nothing to look forward to. With no prospect of a holiday, or even a significant event in the future (this side of May anyway, and that's a long way away) to keep my spirits up, I am finding every day a struggle - What exactly am I getting out of bed for every day? What do I have to look forward to to make the mundane daily routines bearable?

Answer to that: Sweet fuck all.

I still have no social life, my boyfriend has no time for me (or, rather, is not making time for me - I think he's doing that thing where he pushes me away so I dump him so that he doesn't have to) and life is so incredibly boring I am on the verge of tears even thinking about it. I get up, do the same work routine when I get to school, then teach, then mark, then go home. Nothing more and nothing less, the exact same every day.

Surely, weekends are more exciting? No. Last week I was ill so missed the one social event of the term and all my friends are either in Plymouth or too busy with their real lives to bother with my petulant "I'm booooooooored" whining.

However, last time I thought I may want more drama in my life, I was burgled. So perhaps the moral of the story is to shut up and appreciate the normality of my boring life.

I am actually starting to go mad. I need something to do, some excitement, or at least the prospect of some to get excited about? I could easily scream right now...

An epiphany.

I have been struggling at work recently because, with each day, I realise my vision is different to that of the school. I had decided to keep my head down and try, where possible, to do things my way but this wasn't working out too well and I have been feeling un-motivated, disengaged and generally crap and grumpy at school.

Yesterday, we had a welcome day off from the classroom routine and we went to an NQT conference. It was absolutely fantastic: each session was truly inspirational and they even had one of these airy-fairy-life-coach-type people running a seminar who was not actually airy-fairy and gave us all the boost that we needed, if only because we realised that we are not alone in many respects. (Although it has to be said, our group do seem to be suffering more than others.)

I don't think this was his intention, but in making me re-focus on why I wanted to become a teacher and what I thought teaching would be like, he made me realise that I need to keep my own ideas, that it's ok to feel different about certain things than my school does and that the day I lose sight of my 'ideal' is the day I need to leave teaching.

He shared a quote with us:

"Beware your thoughts, for they become your words

Beware your words, for they become your actions

Beware your actions, for they become your habits

Beware your habits, for they become your character

Beware your character, for therein is your destiny."

This really resonated with me and made me feel better about not agreeing with the vision of my school because, actually, the day I do start to think the way they do, that is the day I become the teacher I don't want to be. If I can't be who I am at my school, then I will move on, but I will not give up trying.

And I made new friends yesterday! A small group of us went from the conference to the pub (actually, that should be plural...) and generally had a lovely evening.

So all in all, I'm feeling back to my normal positive self today. Bring on Monday!

The dreaded NYE kiss...

The dreaded kiss at midnight on New Years Eve, as the clock strikes twelve and we welcome in the new year... surely it only serves as a reminder that actually, you are going into this year completely on your own.

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving being single. But not having someone, even a friend, to kiss as the year turns? That's plain sad, and to make it even worse, I will be the only single person at this party. All of my other girl friends are in relationships and are bringing their other halves along, and so are all the other guests. I will literally be sat there, on my own, without so much as a peck on the cheek to see in the new year.

This is the first time that I'm single for NYE and the first time I'm having plans which I am actually looking forward to but yet, I am beginning to wish that I weren't going. It never occurred to me that this was one of those "couples only" evenings, how stupid of me not to notice.

I feel your pain my little gummy friend :(

Plus, I think I'm passing into the third phase of my "stages of being single" plan and being at a party full of couples means no new people to meet so no chance of meeting anyone half decent. Which sucks, because I think I need to go through that pulling someone just to prove that I'm still desirable phase. A bit trashy, but true.

So all in all, the being single/new year's eve/couples only party combination could not have come at a worse time.

Damn.

Happy Sunday.

Happy Sunday everyone!

I've had an absolutely lovely day to round off a great weekend. I went out for the afternoon with a couple of the other teachers from school and one brought her little'un along. We went to Greenwich park to play on the slide and swings (and the adults blatantly enjoyed this more than littlie in the cold), then we went for lunch in an absolutely lovely restaurant where I had a goats cheese tart with caramelised onions and rocket salad with dripping chips on the side. (I realise you didn't need/want to know that detail, but I tend to remember places and events through the food I ate. Is that weird?)

It was such a lovely, relaxing day and so nice to finally get to know some new people. Obviously I see everyone at work and we get on when we're chatting in the staff room, but having friends to call upon outside of school really is my aim right now and it was lovely to have that today. I think this is another one of the many things I missed out on through having to traipse across London to see my ex every weeken but now that my time is my own, I can make new friends.

Yay for me :)

Why it's OK to be single.

Recently, every form of social media that I come into contact with contains either various public displays of affection (and I've already had a rant about that), discussions about weddings or, seemingly the other half of the population, moaning about being single. This, coupled with my disdain at advertising which often asks, literally, "are you 22, single and lonely?" (this is an actual advert on facebook) leads me to think that I must be mental. I love being single, and yet, society makes me feel ridiculous and like some sort of social deviant for feeling this way: Why am I not chasing after my Prince Charming? Why do I not cuddle my pillow and cry myself to sleep at night because I'm lonely? Why do I not go out intent to pull guys and feel absolutely gutted if I don't? Why do I not sit and cry my way through love songs?

Mainly because, and I'm sorry to say this guys, but being single is a hell of a lot more fun. And I mean a LOT more fun. You can say what you want, tell me it's because I haven't met the right guy or whatever, but I don't believe you. Being single rocks - I can do what I want to do with my evenings rather than have to consider a partner's obligations all the time, I can see my friends more often, I can make big decisions about my future without having to think about someone else, I can buy the furniture I want for my flat and, most importantly, I can starfish when I sleep at night and the duvet is aaaaaall mine. It has made my life a damn sight easier than it has ever been before, and I truly believe these last four months have been the absolute making of me and will continue to be. Nothing I have done in the last few months I could have done with a guy in tow so for me, right now, being able to be completely self-indulgent (and not in a bad way, you know what I mean) has made my life what it is.

Who knows how long this will last before the novelty starts to wear off but, now, I look at all of my friends who are coupled up, moving in together or engaged to be married and think how great it is for them but how that would have been the worst decision for me. I had all that handed to me on a plate in February but I walked away and I'm glad. Being single works for me and I think it has the potential to work for everyone. Even if is isn't what you want, the doors that open to you as a consequence are so immense that you have the opportunity to move on to bigger and better things.

To quote Marilyn Monroe, "sometimes good things have to fall apart so better things can fall together".

I just wish society saw this point of view and people stopped asking me how my love life is going and then feel sorry for me when I say I have no-one around. Because, seriously, what is there to be sorry for when being single means:

• Having all the duvet and sleeping like a starfish every night;
• Not having to put up with snoring!
• Being able to watch what you want on TV regardless of how girly or trashy the programme is;
• Choosing girly furniture and having cushions around without moaning;
• Being able to go shopping on Saturdays, not stuck at football (I like football, but not all the time);
• Seeing your friends a lot more, or at least spending an hour on the phone without being whinged at;
• Not having your mood or confidence dictated by someone else;
• Feeling no pressure in life, from when to get up to when to move in together etc;
• Making meals for two and eating it all (I really should be fat...);
• Not feeling guilty for spending a week's rent on shoes;
• Not feeling obliged to share every single thought you have;
• Being able to go 3 days without shaving your legs (I don't do this often but sometimes...);
• Having a lazy day in on your own. We all need time to ourselves on occasions;
• Not being given the third degree when you're seen in a facebook picture with another man, God forbid;
• Not feeling obliged to have sex;

Ok, I could go on for ages and I need to go out now...

But moral of the story: relationships can be great, but so can being single. So enjoy it whilst it lasts. I know I will.

Summer bucket list

So I'm taking part in Mama's losing it and her weekly writing prompts again! This one was a nice challenge (50 is a lot) which has taken me nearly three days to write but it gives me focus for the 8 weeks I have free this summer.

50 things you want to do this summer

1. Have a bloody amazing 'last night' with the girls; 
2. Decorate my classroom ready for September; 
3. Sort out my flat to make it into a home; 
4. Learn my way around where I live and find how to get to everywhere I need to; 
5. Buy a bike! 
6. Meet up with S one evening; 
7. Maybe meet up with L? 
8. Catch up with NJ whilst she still lives in London; 
9. Go to the cute tea shop Stefany at Influence recommended; 
10. Go to Greenwich market; 
11. Go to Brick Lane market; 
12. Go to Camden market; 
13. Go to the pizza place in Covent Garden that has unusual toppings; 
14. Visit the Tate gallery; 
15. Go on a day-trip to the seaside; 
16. Visit Fortnum and Mason to their bizarre food hall; 
17. Have a night out in London! 
18. Read at least two classic novels; 
19. Read at least five other books; 
20. Start making my Christmas presents; 
21. Shop for a graduation outfit at Bluewater shopping centre; 
22. Meet/see a celebrity! For no reason other than I'd like the anecdote; 
23. Use a nightbus in London; 
24. Make a pizza from scratch; 
25. Sing at a kareoke night (to tick it off my general bucket list); 
26. Take up kick boxing again; 
27. Have my hair re-styled; 
28. Get a tan! Natural or fake, not fussy; 
29. Have a champagne cocktail; 
30. See a stand-up comedy show; 
31. Learn how to make different flavoured bread; 
32. See a west-end show; 
33. Try my Mum's family recipe for sticky toffee pudding; 
34. Take up running and try to maintain my fitness level; 
35. Make home-made lemonade; 
36. Meet at least one of my new neighbours (just because the rural girl in me doesn't want to totally fade); 
37. Go for a walk along the Thames from my house; 
38. Go on a bike ride along the Thames from my house; 
39. Bake and decorate a cake; 
40. Buy myself some nice new smart clothes for my first day as a teacher; 
41. Go to visit my Nan for the day; 
42. Go to visit my Dad for the day; 
43. Go on a week-long detox (next week); 
44. Actually unpack everything! I don't want any boxes lying around by September; 
45. Have a picnic on the southbank; 
46. Do not get involved with any men. At all; 
47. Try sushi; 
48. Have my first skype date in two years; 
49. Make some new friends! 
50. Get into a routine of keeping in touch with my current friends and family. I don't want to be forgotten... ♥

Life would be easier if emotions were objective.

I don't think emotions are particularly clear-cut. When do you go from being unhappy to depressed; from happy to content; from jealous to angry/happy? And in those situations where you can't put a title to what you are feeling, does it matter? Surely it is just a word, which is inherently objective, and that can never fully explain anything so subjective as a feeling. Besides, us humans are so complex, how can one single elicitation ever do that justice?

The reason I'm asking these questions, which lets be honest, are a bit crazy and rambling, is because of a situation I find myself in today.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted briefly about a very messy night out with friends from uni. What happened on this night was that my friend pointed out a guy on our course and said she thought he was 'hot'. Now, this friend has a boyfriend of seven years. However, they are not very happy together and for this reason she has been making such proclamations about almost any guy who walks past, so I thought nothing more of it. Besides, this was the first time she had mentioned this guy, let alone commented that she thought he was hot, and what could she do about it anyway? Spend all evening making him think she would have the guts to cheat on her boyfriend with him before bottling it (and rightly so) and going home?

She does that a lot, but whilst this is never a good thing, it is even less of a good thing when it is with someone we know. So I told her to stop drooling and we changed the subject.

Later on, however, I ended up chatting to this guy about uni, our future jobs etc and then we hit the dance floor. He made a move on me which, I'll be honest, I reciprocated. My friend then kicked off, ignoring me for the rest of the evening except to call me every name under the sun and to accuse me of always needing to be the centre of attention (which hurt). She went home and I stayed out with said guy and a few other friends from uni.

I managed to smooth things over the next day with my friend, although I didn't apologise. After all, what did I have to be sorry for? But, to her credit, I think she realised this and she seemingly backed off. Yet every time I click onto my facebook and he has posted a status update, there is always a flirty reply from her or the two of them are making plans to meet up. And this gives me little pangs in my chest, which I assumed were guilt (given that I have since started sleeping with him in the purely casual arrangement I've mentioned in passing) but actually, seeing someone else flirting with him may actually be giving me little pangs of jealousy.

You see, when I last went over to his house, after fooling around for a few hours, his brother came home unexpectedly. We therefore had to dress rather quickly and we then spent another few hours just lying there talking. We get on really well like that, we always have done, so I just assumed that was the friendship side of things. But after an hour of chatting I realised we were actually cuddling. I didn't realise at the time, it just seemed natural and comfy, and even when I did notice, other than having a brief panic and working out an excuse to go home early, we stayed sat like that.

It was nice. Really nice, and I've almost been craving to be back there since then. So with that in mind, it perhaps seems likely that I have felt jealous when I've seen someone else flirt with him. The fact that she is one of my best friends is perhaps irrelevant, and actually, I have gotten far too involved. It's not guilt over sleeping with a guy she likes in secret, it's actual jealousy over the realisation that he isn't just interested in me.

I think I've mentally crossed the casual boundary. I think I need to get out.

Damn. Typical...

Public displays of affection and my sick bucket.

Maybe I'm just more sensitive to it now that I'm single, or maybe it is on the increase because it's the summer and everyone is happier, but on every social networking site I click on (facebook, twitter, blogger, BBM etc), I seem to be bombarded with streams of people gushing about their other halves. Whilst I admit this is perhaps coming from the bitter-and-single camp (although I don't think I've pitched my tent in the 'bitter' field quite yet), this is something which has always bothered me.

Whenever I have been with someone, I view how I feel about them as private and certainly not something which I should be bragging about on facebook. Perhaps I've just never had those strong feelings for someone which I feel the need to scream about from every hypothetical mountain-top, which I haven't, but I just do not see the point of it. If you love someone, tell them, not all 300 of your facebook 'friends'! And I can definitely say that if someone I were seeing posted endless facebook statuses about missing me or about me being their missing puzzle piece (this is an actual quote from one of the vomit-inducing statuses I've had to endure this week), I would be on the phone dumping their ass within seconds. I'm a romantic and passionate person but that is an intimate side of myself which I would only ever share in private and I do not expect to be almost forced into a reciprocal PDA, and over facebook of all mediums? How tacky and impersonal.

So the point of this post? A call to anyone reading this - if you are guilty of this, for the sake of all your facebook friends, STOP IT. If you love your boyfriend/girlfriend, TELL THEM, not me. I'm happy for you, don't get me wrong, but otherwise I do not care.

And, to this end, don't get me started on people who post song lyrics. This is even worse. If you must make me reach for the sick bucket, at least do it from your heart, not your Ipod.

/end grumpy woman rant.

Happy weekend all! I'm hitting the shops to kit out my little flat tomorrow. Exciting, and no doubt calls for my first photo post (although I still do not have my camera back from the manufacturer)...

If social media died tomorrow...

Today I'm writing a link up with Mama's Losing It and taking inspiration from one of her writing prompts. I've been a follower of hers for a while now but this is the first time I've written for her link-up so if you have found your way here from her site, welcome and I hope you enjoy.

If Social Media died tomorrow, describe another hobby you might get into.

If social media died tomorrow, I don't think I would be the only person who would be absolutely gutted. Facebook, in particular, has been such a prominent feature in most people's lives for so long that I doubt many of us could live without it, arrange to meet our friends or keep up with each other's lives without it. I think it would have seen off a lot of my friendships when school friends went to university and now, as I leave university, would mean I would lose contact with even more people. I won't get into the debate as to how many of my facebook friends I would actually miss if that happened, because I think we all acknowledge having 'friends' on facebook is well over-used, but I think facebook has meant I have been able to keep in contact with more friends than I could have other wise. And as such, going back to the prompt, if social media collapsed tomorrow and I had no facebook, twitter or blogger to update, I would be very bored!

Of all my current hobbies, which have admittedly been side-lined recently due to final-year degree study, I think my crafts, sewing, baking and reading would be the ones I would instantly pick up again. Reading in particular would, at the moment, be the way I passed evenings when there was nothing on telly, but my obsessions change on an almost weekly basis. For example, last week I spent four evenings baking and trying new recipes, yet this week I've eaten beans on toast and pasta sauce from a jar. So maybe with more time to spend on these hobbies I would find myself developing more of a passion, rather than almost-fleeting interests which seem to run on a cyclical basis, but who knows. I may also spend more time keeping fit and hitting the gym/swimming/trying new sports and activities, but I think I do this to the best of my ability and time restraints at it is.

However, I think it is worth considering how much more free time would it actually give me? If we couldn't catch up with a friend via exchanges on the internet, would it mean we all went out to socialise more? Would it mean we would spend more time on the phone chatting to friends? I spoke to a friend following this train of thought as recently she disconnected herself from facebook for six months and she agreed. She said that she found she had more time to go out and see her friends and then, the time she then spent with them brought them much closer together because they had much more to talk about and could go into much more detail about their lives. But she also said that due to everyone else still using facebook, she began to feel distant so felt the need to re-register. So whilst at first, being without social networking would surely enhance some of the long-lost ways to communicate, it does rather limit the social circle you can keep.

And anyway, I think if social media collapsed, I'd have to use some of my free time to get a second job. After all, the supplies for my crafting, the gym membership, the phone bills and the cost of going out to meet friends would soon add up and being skint right now would limit how well I could keep up with friends. And maybe that's where social networking wins because, right now, I'm skint but I still sit in my living room and chat to my friends regardless of where they live and whether we can afford to go out for a coffee. And I imagine as my life changes over the coming months, being able to keep in touch with my friends back in Plymouth at the simple click of a button will become even more important for me.

So lets hope that social media never dies because I've made far too many amazing friends over the last few years to lose contact with them all completely. But maybe I will switch off the laptop tonight to knit or read the evening away, as maybe I need more of a healthy balance rather than having an existence which is either/or social media or other hobbies.

This is what Saturdays are for.

Lie in.

Going to the gym.

Shopping.

Baking/cooking.

Pyjamas.

TV.

A pile of magazines.

Falling asleep to a film.

Just perfect, even on my own.


I'm proud of myself for having learnt how to have free time on my own. I've always enjoyed my own company in small doses, but usually after a few hours I tend to find myself going over things in my head and working myself up to either being depressed, anxious or worried. Yet, this week I have spent probably 80% of my time on my own and shy of a few small examples of this, I have actually had a very nice, calming week. I'm caught up with everything, I'm relaxed, am able to relax more easily (which to me are two different achievements) and am generally feeling pleasantly content. I've picked up a few hobbies which were forgotten or pushed aside because studying and work came first, and am definitely enjoying my freedom.

Let's hope this lasts, as I sense it will be quite a quiet few months after the move!

Now write and post-date some Tasty Tuesday posts... I've done lots of baking in the last week and have a few to share with you all. If only I had my digital camera back.

Double standards.

I found myself in a conversation with my sort-of-step-mum (they aren't married but they've been together for sixteen years so I consider her my step-mum) about the double standards that exist in society, and how the negative side of them always seems to fall on women.

We talked about how, if a married man has an extra-marital exploit with a single girl, it is usually the woman who takes the blame and is labelled the slag and the home-wrecker. Now, this was quite awkward because whilst my step-mum wasn't single either when my Dad left my Mum for her, she did end up with that label. Although it's always worth bearing in mind I've grown up with one side of the story, but she did admit that she was that 'slag' and I know she had to move her job as a consequence of the stigma. Yet, men never seem to suffer quite to the same extent in terms of the blame.

Take the whole ridiculous Ryan Giggs and Imogen Thomas thing: she has suffered much more at the hands of the public opinion than he has, yet she was single and he's the married one! I feel really sorry for her, I truly do. Whether she knew he was married or not (and to be honest, I didn't even up until Friday) isn't the point, if YOU are in a relationship, YOU are responsible for your actions and being honest and so he should be the one who is receiving death threats, not her.

Ok, that's extreme, no-one should be suffering that kind of abuse, but if one or the other, then he is more in the wrong than she is, surely?

Anyway, it isn't just in this sort of instance that we suffer at the hands of a society built on double standards. It was in fact this that started our discussion, as my step-mum told me to, and I quote, "enjoy being single and irresponsible in London, there are lots of nice new men to have some fun with", to which my Grandma told me not to be a slag. Now, I'm not saying that I will be in any way taking up my step-mum's advice, but if I did, why would I be a slag? If I were a bloke I'd be a hero, yet if I were to start working my way through the male population of London as a woman, I'd be labelled a slut. And to be honest, I would feel like a slut and as a consequence wouldn't behave like that in the first place, but surely I should be free to should I so choose to go out and enjoy myself? And anyway, at what point do you progress from just having fun to being a slut? Does one one-night-stand make you a slut, does it require sleeping with a different man every weekend, are you a slut if you go out with a different man every night but don't sleep with them... I just don't understand the label and what it applies to and, most importantly, why it's even relevant in this day and age.

So maybe I'll be a slut, maybe I won't. Maybe you might think I am, whilst other people wouldn't. But just in case... Sorry Grandma!

Dating.

Ok, so, following the events of the other night and a looooot of texting, I now have a date for Wednesday daytime and I am panicking slightly!

Dating is very much out of my comfort zone, it's not something I have ever done given that I started going out with my first boyfriend aged 15, the second was my best friend and the third was also a friend first and whenever you read a magazine or a website there are lists of 'dos and don'ts' for dating and I have none of this etiquette established. How are you supposed to behave? How much of your true self do you reveal, or is it supposed to be the ultimate, preened, goddess-like version of yourself that turns up? What sort of questions should I ask? And how does a daytime date work differently to a normal meal? I mean, for a start, it is potentially much longer and although I don't know what we're doing yet, I get the feeling he's done this a lot more often than I have (which, lets face it, isn't a record which takes much beating) because he seems much more confident and I have no idea how to play this.

My main concern is that I've never been particularly good at conversation, I'm so scared of the awkward silences that I tend to witter away, and as for interesting conversation starters, they never come to me. I so rarely meet new people, I've had my friendship group established for years now, and the whole process of meeting someone and getting to know them and letting them in to my life is really daunting and I just feel like I have no idea how to go about that. I suppose that's born out of a lack of experience and the only way to get over that is to get out into the real world and start meeting new people, but in the mean time, am I going to endure endless awkward silences and failed attempts at functioning like a normal human being in social situations?

And in another point, how have I made it to 22 without having ever experienced this? Is it sad I've never been out on a date before? I am literally terrified, at this rate, I doubt I'll even make it out the door without bursting into tears or being sick. Lord help me...

Aaaaaah, panic! (Not my most articulate post, I'll grant you...)

The one thing I am less scared about, however is what to wear, which for some reason isn't actually stressing me out that much? Although in all fairness, when I met him I was dressed as Posh Spice with full 90s outfit, hair and make-up, so compared to that I could wear almost anything and look amazing, which is one less stress off my mind at least.

Does anyone have any tips or words of wisdom to impart? Help me!

Rant over.

I thought I'd write another blog today, seeing as my last post was generally awful. Part of me feels the need to apologise for the rant, but I needed somewhere to vent and I find that writing things down is much easier and more therapeutic. I suppose it's the requirement to be logical, to structure whole sentences and to explain how you feel that helps more than standing in front of a poor friend who gets bombarded with a load of swear words and repeated "argh!"s. But anyway, it's out of my system now and I've decided just to keep an eye on the situation and make sure that I am always in a fit state to deal with it, i.e. not being too drunk, always making sure I look half-decent (i.e. like I don't live under a bridge) so that if/when I meet these people from my past, they will look at me and think "wow, she's changed" and that will be satisfying enough.

So now I've let it go, I thought I'd try again with writing a blog post today, hoping something would be presentable for Mingle Monday over at Life of Meg.

Anyway, I also realise that a lot of my blogging last month was without direction, but seeing as I was having a generally boring and repetitive month I didn't have much else to say. My life recently has generally been quite boring, and whilst I wish I had more to look forward to I have another month before anything really interesting happens.

This is because tomorrow I go back to university after what seems like forever, and even though we've dipped in and out for the odd lecture, it really has been a year since we've had structured lectures and seminars with assignments running alongside. I love this bit about my course, I love the academia, the study, the stress and that little buzz you get when you find a relevant book or article in the library. And to be honest, I love sitting in the library and working with a pile of books in front of me, it feels so studious and productive. I know it's all psychological, there's nothing stopping me from working at home, but it's just not as conducive to learning. But this will be my last month of university, and whilst I do love my course, I don't think I'll miss it.

I'm definitely ready to leave now. I feel ready to get out and actually start teaching, and in a wider sense to get out into the real world. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've made great friends on my course and some who I hope will be friends for life, but there are some others who don't seem to have grown up since their first day as eighteen-year-old fresher and it's getting really tiring now. I'd like to be around like-minded grown-ups for a change, people who don't think that getting drunk on Wednesday and turning up to a 9am lecture is 'heroic' (and we've all done it, me included, but we forgot we had a seminar, in our defence) and people who actually work their hardest all the time rather than doing what they need to get by. I can't stand that attitude, I believe we owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be and if you can't even be bothered to do that then you have issues.

Ok, I'm bordering on another rant here so I shall move on and get to the point of this post.

More interesting things I have to look forward to this month.
6th: Shopping day out with the mother (who may or may not drive me mad, it's yet to be seen);
Also on the 6th: A night out with the girls! Motto of the evening: less alcohol, more fun;
11th: Dissertation deadline! So everyone else will be done and we can go out and celebrate;
12th: Going to play tennis for the first time in 4 years with someone I've not seen in 5;
19th: Presentations for a module assessment. May not sound fun but I love that sort of thing;
26th: Penultimate essay due in, the count down is on!
27th: I can start to look at finding somewhere to live in July! Aaah!

And by the 3rd of June it will all be over, the hunt for somewhere to live will be truly on and life will kick up a gear! So please excuse me if the next month is a bit dull on the blogging front, but I hope soon to have great news and happy stories to share.

Bring on the summer! 

Panic.

I knew Plymouth would one day crush me, I just didn't see that it had already happened. I literally lay in bed all day yesterday sulking, crying and playing a load of self-indulgent songs from my ipod (we all do it sometimes, it helps to vent, or so I tell myself) at a single realisation.

In the world, there is something called the "Five degrees of separation" (or six, depending on what you read), which means that somehow, everyone in the world is the friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend *counts back to check* that you already know regardless of how you know that person, where they live etc. I think in Plymouth though, I think it's no more than 2 degrees at the very most, and realising that in anything more than a lighthearted "oh so you are so-and-so's sister?" way is beyond awful. I'm actually really worried, I've come so far and I just cannot, cannot, cannot go back. Not now.

When I finished my GCSEs aged 16, I had the worst two years of my life. The long summer was hell, with various 'friends' either making my life hell or, the lesser of two evils, not bothering with me at all. I was depressed, and spent every day of the summer on the internet talking to people online to not feel alone and to feel valid. Sixth form was worse, because those people who dragged me down were suddenly there every day again and seemed to be on some sort of vendetta against me to make my life awful. In English lessons for example, there were only 9 of us in the A-Level class and in our double lesson on Fridays we would take it in turn to bring in sweets. And then, every week except when it was my turn, the people in my group would proceed to pass the sweets round and would purposely not offer me any. No-one would sit next to me in the common room and I spent a lot of my time sat in the computer suite alone because at least there I could send an email or something to make myself feel better about having no friends.

By the final year there, I was barely going because I knew my self-esteem couldn't take any more. In fact, there was nothing left of my self-esteem. The only friend I had there was a girl who I used to go to the school gym with in the mornings, and together we developed anorexia and competed against each other for fitness and weight-loss aims but at least it felt safe because we were the same, we never told anyone what we did and it was our little secret. All of this self-destruction, I still believe now, was down to a few girls whom had been my 'friends', but who had constantly put me down to feed their own self-esteem and then turned on me to stop others from having anything to do with me.

Four years later, I'm sat here now a much stronger person. I have friends, I have a healthy relationship with food against all odds, I'm confident and I'm happy. The girls who dragged me down have nothing to do with me any more, and the ex boyfriend who ruined me last year is out of my life too. This last year has been the cherry on top in the process of sorting my life out and know if I hadn't got rid of those people from my life, I couldn't honestly say I'd even still be alive.

Until today, that is, I believed I was without them. But the 2 degrees of separation mean that I've realised without any facebook stalking (because they popped up on my feed in other people's photos) that they are creeping back in. They are one night away from being back in my lives again; they are in the outer proximities of my social group; they are now friends with other friends of mine they didn't know before and eventually, I can see it now, we will be invited to the same event and everything I've fought so hard to escape will be stood in front of me, gloating and bitching whilst I feel smaller and smaller until I want to cry.

Ex boyfriends too. I have enough trouble avoiding the one I see every time I go to uni that I didn't think to keep an eye out for the other one. He's the one who reduced me to nothing until I ruined our relationship before he proceeded to kick me out, keep all the stuff that was jointly owned and leave me homeless. He hurt me so much I've not even ever dealt with it, I think it's just been repressed and ignored and whilst you could argue that's not helpful, I didn't realise that until recently and even now I have no intention of digging it out again. Again, I just shunned him from my life but again, at some point, he will be there at the same time as me and I'll have to face it. I can see him there, I can see who he spends his time with now and I can see how my social group is starting to slide together with his. This is not the time in my life for this.

I feel so trapped, I feel like I have to watch my step, like I have to watch who I go out with, where and when in an attempt to keep those people from coming back and wreaking havoc in my life again. I know I'm stronger now, a part of me even thinks I could hold my head up high and manage it, but there's that little bit of me which is saying 'why risk that, keep your distance' because inside every one of us, there is still that insecure 16-year-old who doesn't take much knocking down.

I need to get out of here now. I know I can't, I know I have at least 1 month 3 days before I am truly free, but that cannot come soon enough because this city feels like a ticking time-bomb now, waiting to collapse around me and prove that actually, I'm not as strong as I thought. And I want that to be wrong, I want it to prove that I am strong when it happens but I can't take that risk right now because it's taken me four years to get to where I am today and I have better things to do with my life than spend another four years sorting myself out again.

Sorry for the rant but I'm panicking, in case you hadn't noticed. I just don't know what to do other than become a recluse and hide which won't help and it's messed with my brain so much I can feel my heart racing in my chest and my breathing becoming more panicky. I need to find a way to handle this, to keep everything from coliding again. I need a movie-esque (or at least mediocre-TV-programme-esque) plan...

Rocking the single boat.

I'm finally going out! It's been far too long, my life has been far too busy with boring university work and all-work-and-no-play has started to turn me insane. I've started over-thinking again, going over and over the past and finding regret in things that I shouldn't regret. That's always how my cabin-fever starts, along with struggling to sleep which I did  last night, so I'm more excited than normal about getting out of the house tonight. Fake tan done, hair washed, dress and shoes chosen, make-up lined out ready to apply, lots of alcohol ready and waiting (yeah yeah, I know lent isn't over quite yet but I've done well and achieved everything I wanted to from cutting it out) and all the girls are set to hit the town. It's not very often we all go out together so it's great when we are all there.

I've not really been out since I've been single, even when I have it's only been for a few drinks and that's not quite the same. Going out when you're single is so much more fun. I can talk who I want, dance with who I want and I won't be worrying that someone will see me talking to a guy shockhorror  and dob me in. I've already concluded through writing this blog that I have a tendancy to attract the insanely jealous guys anyway which I guess hasn't helped my case, but still, it'll be nice to be without that fuss tonight.

My only concern is that I do tend to turn into a bit of a slut when I'm drunk and single. Don't get me wrong, I don't go round sleeping with guys but I do tend to find a guy, spend all night letting them buy me drinks, dancing and eating their face before trotting off and moving onto the next one. I'm not proud of it though, I know women suffer at the hands of a double-standard whereby a guy would be a hero for doing the same thing, but as such I feel shame and guilt when I pick up randomers. Poor guys, so if you're local and reading this, stay in tonight, yeah?

Hope you all have a good night!

Spinster-hood.

Since age 15, I've always had a boyfriend. Maybe with a two-week break between at most - I realise that makes me sound worse than I actually am, there have only been 3 in that time - but that's not the point. Now I'm back on the market, I really am loving rocking the single boat! It's been about six weeks now and the novelty still isn't wearing off as my long-term single girlfriends told me it would. There's no guy in the background (other than my still-too-keen ex, but he's slowly backing off) and the focus is just on me. It may sound selfish, but after so long, I like it.

I think, above all, I love not having anyone else to think about. I can do what I want and see who I want, and my friends and family are the top of my priority list. I'm not one of those girls that shuns her friends in favour of her man anyway, but obviously it did affect how much I could see them and go out with them. Going out has always been a particular point of contention for boyfriends of mine - I don't think they understand that when girls go out together we really do just want a drink and a dance, not to find a replacement for them! I do get a lot of attention when I go out, which doesn't help, but guys I date only ever seem to remember that and not the way I tell these guys to sod off! Consequently, this breeds paranoia, so I either end up not going, going and having to send regular texts or going with boyfriend in tow. I'm so glad to be free of that. I love my girlies and I love going out for a dance! If a nice guy is talking to me, I can enjoy the conversation without feeling guilty, and I can occasionally score a free drink. It's nice and I'm meeting some fun and interesting people this way.

I love having time for myself too. Before, I'd never be allowed time to myself without a guy obsessing that it meant I was going off them/seeing someone else. I love being able to take a long bath, having time to do face masks, manicure my nails and fake tan; go shopping or to the gym/swim/sauna... It's making me feel better about myself, and I know you could turn round and say that we shouldn't let things slip when you're dating someone, but finding the time to keep the same routine is impossible! So it's nice to have me-time back, three-hour gym sessions, oh how I've missed you.

(Though that's not a great example, I've been three times in six weeks for a long session...)

And I know every single girl says this after a string of/a serious relationship, but I really am well and truly off men. I don't miss their company, I don't miss the cuddles and kisses, I don't miss the affection, the sex... I just do not miss anything about being in a relationship right now! I'm sure when the right guy comes along that I'll change my mind, but right now I'm happy being absorbed in cynicism about men/relationships/love and I can't even contemplate having to share my life with a guy again. And I'm glad, I'm at a time in my life when everything around me is moving so quickly and I'm glad that I can keep up, grab hold of my career with two hands and go with the flow. I don't see men having place in my life for the foreseeable future... especially when I have my 'bacheloress' pad in London!

So bring on the years of being a crazy cat lady, a spinster, a whatever-else-people-will-call-me. I'm 22, my life is mine and I'm enjoying the selfishness of it all right now.

PS. In writing this, I am beginning to realise that perhaps my last lot of boyfriends have been particularly paranoid? Is it just my bad luck or is it typical? Honest opinions please!

The need to be witty.

Over the weekend, I joined a blogging forum, 20sb. This now means I have one whole follower and had more views in the last few hours than I have done since I migrated my blog! I now feel the pressure to post witty, interesting posts as opposed to the usual grumbles and observations. Now, wit is not my strong point. I do consider myself to be quite funny to chat to but I usually resort to sarcasm which, as my Mother tells me at least twice a week is, "the lowest form of wit". And as for my work? I work with 5 year olds, so any wit only extends to my performance with hand puppets! So maybe wit isn't my strong point, maybe I should just continue how I have been and see how my writing style pans out. This is, afterall, the first time I've written for an audience; I'm sure my writing will fill a genre at some point.

Anyway, the one thing which has been bugging me since I wrote my last post is the notion of friendship. Friends are funny little beans, and I find they always surprise you. The ones you think will be there for ever rarely are, and those you consider casual aquaintainces often become some of the best.

My best friend is someone I've known since my first day at my new primary school and despite boyfriends, having different friends, going to different schools and living in different cities, we've always been friends. We don't need to see each other very often, or even speak on the phone or via text, but whenever we're together it's like we live next door. I love her to bits and she is the one friend I can rely on (as long as I'm a bridesmaid next year, otherwise she's off the Christmas card list, hehe). This blog isn't about her though, she will be there; she will always be there and I know that. She's the exception that proves the rule.

My friends I have left from school are a varied bunch, and I was glad when they graduated a year ahead of me that they all came back and we carried on as if we were still at sixth form! However, after this weekend I'm feeling less sure of them, and even one of them with whom I think I am closest, I doubt I'll see again once I move. They are all moving in together in September, which is great for them, but I suspect I'll be an outsider within weeks and forgotten by the New Year. I love them now, but how long they will remain in my life I have to wonder.

As for my uni friends, who knows. One of them is a dear friend, but again, once I move, how much we will see one another I have to debate. Another, even though she is moving to London too, again I fear will filter out of my life. It's sad - I've spent every day with these girls, stressed about placements, cried over dissertations and been to so many student nights in Oceana I couldn't even count, but will it stand the test of time and distance?

Now I know that they aren't the only friends I'll ever make, as they fall out of my life new ones will fall in when I move and that's really exciting too. But I just have this horrible feeling that I'll be everyone's best friend when they want to come to London to shop or see a West End show, but that they will be more excited about where they are going rather than who they are going to stay with! They mean a lot to me, and I hope that the effort will be equal between us; me going to see them as much as they come to see me; them ringing me as much as I ring them and us always being interested in each others lives. I don't want to lose any of them, they're all wonderful in their own little way and we have some amazing fun together, and then there are those I know I can turn to when I need a cheer-up hug - I have a lovely balance right now and I'll miss that if I lose it.

Girls, please don't give me a reason to miss you.
x

For lent I gave up alcohol.

I gave up drinking after a night out, stating "I'll never drink again" as we all do when festering in a hangover. And whilst it wasn't this one night alone that put me off drinking (although it did involve a lot of cringe-worthy conversations, being followed by some strange and scary men before throwing up and waking up the next morning in my ex's bed), it definitely played a part and that evening, I got to thinking.

Firstly, I pride myself on being a confident person, I haven't always been but right now I think I am - yet why do I need to have had a few drinks to take to the dance floor and to talk to random people? Why do I always rely on alcohol to give me the strength to do that? This was strike one, as this epitomises everything I don't want to become - I want to be in control, be logical and stop making the stupid decisions that have driven my life so far, and lets face it, alcohol was never going to help this.

Secondly, having been out far too much in the month preceding that night (in aid of 'rocking the single boat', as my friend put it) I realised how much it was not only dictating my actions during those nights, but it was dictating my social life. If we weren't going out drinking, we weren't going out. If we weren't meeting to drink, we weren't seeing one another. And I decided that was really sad, so I decided to take alcohol out of the equation all together. Since that evening, with the exception of a glass of champagne on my birthday, I've not touched alcohol.

So do I feel better for it? Absolutely! My skin is clearer, my bank balance is clearer (or would be if I weren't simply buying more things with that money), I've reached a steady weight again: all the signs are good. Has my social life improved or diversified? No. It turns out that drinking really did influence my social life, and this was evermore highlighted by the reaction of my friends.

This Saturday for example, I had an invite to a night out. I said yes but said I wouldn't be drinking so would give everyone a lift to save money (figuring no-one would try to persuade me to drink if they knew it meant no lift home!) and I was told they would text me if the night out was going ahead. I had no such text, so instead settled down in bed with a cup of tea and a few DVD boxsets. I fell asleep half way through a DVD and was woken up at about 4am when it finished with my laptop still glaring at me. In true facebook-adict style, I quickly refreshed the screen only to find a load of pictures uploaded by one of my friends of their night out.

Bitches. Maybe I should have text them to confirm, but they did say they would let me know and then obviously chose not to, or worse, forgot about me completely. So yeah, bitches.

So do I ever intend to start drinking again? No way, it's been such a revealing few weeks - although my social life has definitely declined, those friends I have left are the ones I can actually get along with whilst sober, and surely that's what you want/need from a friend? I can still go out and have a good time, but have more money, look better, feel better and don't have to write off the-day-after-the-night-before to a hangover.

It is a shame though, I didn't think my friends were like that...