Memories.

Sorry I haven't blogged much recently, it's been a busy month. A hard month too, actually.

I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)

I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.

As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:

1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)

2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.

3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I have achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.

4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.

5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.

No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.

On that note...

I would like to be...

We played some circle time games in a staff meeting today and I thought I'd share my answers.

• I would like to be Miss Piggy because she doesn't stand for any crap.

• I would like to be a hedgehog because they can hibernate through the winter.

• I would also like to be a cat. I would like to be that chilled and non-challant.

• I would like to be a skirt because they are free and floaty yet have the potential to be cheeky.

• I would like to have as much street-cred as my 78-year-old Grandad. He uses the term "omg" and refers to himself as "Gdad". Yes...

• I would like to be a lemon. They are sharp and straight to the point.

• I would like to be the colour purple, because it reminds me of the poem about old people and I'm basically a 70-year-old in a 20-something body. Now, where is my knitting...

Now, come on, this is the life...

Public displays of affection and my sick bucket.

Maybe I'm just more sensitive to it now that I'm single, or maybe it is on the increase because it's the summer and everyone is happier, but on every social networking site I click on (facebook, twitter, blogger, BBM etc), I seem to be bombarded with streams of people gushing about their other halves. Whilst I admit this is perhaps coming from the bitter-and-single camp (although I don't think I've pitched my tent in the 'bitter' field quite yet), this is something which has always bothered me.

Whenever I have been with someone, I view how I feel about them as private and certainly not something which I should be bragging about on facebook. Perhaps I've just never had those strong feelings for someone which I feel the need to scream about from every hypothetical mountain-top, which I haven't, but I just do not see the point of it. If you love someone, tell them, not all 300 of your facebook 'friends'! And I can definitely say that if someone I were seeing posted endless facebook statuses about missing me or about me being their missing puzzle piece (this is an actual quote from one of the vomit-inducing statuses I've had to endure this week), I would be on the phone dumping their ass within seconds. I'm a romantic and passionate person but that is an intimate side of myself which I would only ever share in private and I do not expect to be almost forced into a reciprocal PDA, and over facebook of all mediums? How tacky and impersonal.

So the point of this post? A call to anyone reading this - if you are guilty of this, for the sake of all your facebook friends, STOP IT. If you love your boyfriend/girlfriend, TELL THEM, not me. I'm happy for you, don't get me wrong, but otherwise I do not care.

And, to this end, don't get me started on people who post song lyrics. This is even worse. If you must make me reach for the sick bucket, at least do it from your heart, not your Ipod.

/end grumpy woman rant.

Happy weekend all! I'm hitting the shops to kit out my little flat tomorrow. Exciting, and no doubt calls for my first photo post (although I still do not have my camera back from the manufacturer)...

I got carried away with doodling.

So I thought I'd share my strange masterpiece with you. It started from the piece of paper that's been lying on my desk for weeks (if not months) which has become something of a clutter-magnet and a dumping ground for post-it-notes which have fallen off my board.