An overdue update.

This last week at school has been more than busy! In fact, it has been borerline overwhelming at times and in our little group of new teachers we've had tears, tantrums, panic attacks... the lot. I can only hope September comes with much less of a shock as we start to settle in to school.

The school itself is lovely. All the staff are helpful, welcoming and always full of advice and tips, if only it were possible to remember everything we've been told. The ethos of the school and the teaching that results, however, is very different to what I'm used to but, at the end of the day, this is an 'outstanding' school for a reason and if it helps me tog row into the 'outstanding' teacher I want to be then all the better. Hopefully, within a few weeks, their way of doing things, their behaviour policies and timetabling will all become second nature and it will become easier. Or rather, I hope so because, if I show even a moment of weakness, my class will eat me alive.

And as for my new class, they will make or break me. And at the very least they will challenge me in every way possible: behaviour, academic, social issues, language, religion... all very different to what I am used to. Fingers crossed that by going in strict and military (quote from the current class teacher) in September, I can set the appropriate boundaries to be able to bring about the best learning.

Hopefully.

Meanwhile, this weekend was a big mistake. I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to think about it. I just want to pretend it never happened, to be quite honest. I knew it was going to be a bad idea before it happened, so why I didn't I stop it? Bloody stupid girl, getting in too deep as always. Note to self: always trust my gut instinct in future. It's always right.

And, as it turns out, I can't replace you. It is you I miss, not just having 'someone'.

I want a 'you' cuddle.

Summer bucket list

So I'm taking part in Mama's losing it and her weekly writing prompts again! This one was a nice challenge (50 is a lot) which has taken me nearly three days to write but it gives me focus for the 8 weeks I have free this summer.

50 things you want to do this summer

1. Have a bloody amazing 'last night' with the girls; 
2. Decorate my classroom ready for September; 
3. Sort out my flat to make it into a home; 
4. Learn my way around where I live and find how to get to everywhere I need to; 
5. Buy a bike! 
6. Meet up with S one evening; 
7. Maybe meet up with L? 
8. Catch up with NJ whilst she still lives in London; 
9. Go to the cute tea shop Stefany at Influence recommended; 
10. Go to Greenwich market; 
11. Go to Brick Lane market; 
12. Go to Camden market; 
13. Go to the pizza place in Covent Garden that has unusual toppings; 
14. Visit the Tate gallery; 
15. Go on a day-trip to the seaside; 
16. Visit Fortnum and Mason to their bizarre food hall; 
17. Have a night out in London! 
18. Read at least two classic novels; 
19. Read at least five other books; 
20. Start making my Christmas presents; 
21. Shop for a graduation outfit at Bluewater shopping centre; 
22. Meet/see a celebrity! For no reason other than I'd like the anecdote; 
23. Use a nightbus in London; 
24. Make a pizza from scratch; 
25. Sing at a kareoke night (to tick it off my general bucket list); 
26. Take up kick boxing again; 
27. Have my hair re-styled; 
28. Get a tan! Natural or fake, not fussy; 
29. Have a champagne cocktail; 
30. See a stand-up comedy show; 
31. Learn how to make different flavoured bread; 
32. See a west-end show; 
33. Try my Mum's family recipe for sticky toffee pudding; 
34. Take up running and try to maintain my fitness level; 
35. Make home-made lemonade; 
36. Meet at least one of my new neighbours (just because the rural girl in me doesn't want to totally fade); 
37. Go for a walk along the Thames from my house; 
38. Go on a bike ride along the Thames from my house; 
39. Bake and decorate a cake; 
40. Buy myself some nice new smart clothes for my first day as a teacher; 
41. Go to visit my Nan for the day; 
42. Go to visit my Dad for the day; 
43. Go on a week-long detox (next week); 
44. Actually unpack everything! I don't want any boxes lying around by September; 
45. Have a picnic on the southbank; 
46. Do not get involved with any men. At all; 
47. Try sushi; 
48. Have my first skype date in two years; 
49. Make some new friends! 
50. Get into a routine of keeping in touch with my current friends and family. I don't want to be forgotten... ♥

My little blog has had a makeover

And doesn't it look cute! Let me know if there are any little blips which need to be ironed out, although looks pretty good to me. Credit to Yellow Savvy Designs, thank you.

Now to start the make-over of my life (ok, a tenuous link but I'll run with it):

To Do (this week)

• Sort out all of my uni folders and box what needs to be kept ready for the loft;
• Sort out my things from the loft and bring them down;
• Box up my books and DVDs;
• Box up all the kitchen things I have;
• Sort out the dumping-ground that are the drawers under my bed using a charity bag and a box;
• Box up all my DVDs (except for my Scrubs boxsets, they are the soundtrack to my boring days);
• Sort out the boxes in my wardrobe, streamline with a bin liner and pack.

Now I realise this was a boring blog post for any readers, but if I didn't write it here then I would have forgotten something. Now, off to find some boxes...

P.S. Enjoy my Tasty Tuesday post below, it's my favourite one so far!

Doing nothing all day is exhausting!

As expected, less than a week after finishing university and I'm bored! I'm such a nightmare when I'm bored, and although I know it's normal to hate being bored (I mean, who likes it?) but I do my own head in when I have nothing to do. There's only so much crappy daytime telly a girl can watch and only so many small chores which can be dragged out to cover an entire day. I thought I'd have a lot of things to do, I thought sorting out my things would take a while but other than one big job, it's all done! And that job will be on tomorrow's list, at which point my decent into a dull summer will be on. Other than the move, of course, but even the excitement of that can only be dragged out for so long.

I was chatting to a friend about this earlier, and he kept telling me to stop whinging and enjoy the time left rather than sulking about it. And I really need to listen to his advice and find some things to do and spend time with my friends, after all, I'll soon be moaning that I haven't seen them or spent time with them for ages, so I really ought to be making the most of the time now.

I admit this sounds a little bit like I'm dying as opposed to moving, but still, I do need to make the most of my last long summer before entering the world of work. Although having some money would help, I really am going to be skint this summer and the Bank of Dad is on holiday in Ibiza for the next few weeks. How sad is that? My 53-year-old Dad and 62-year-old Step Mum are off clubbing in Ibiza (and yes, they are there to go clubbing) whilst I'm stuck at home doing nothing? I'm not sure who comes off worse in that, me for being skint and pathetic for staying home, or for them still going clubbing at their age? Although why not, as long as they enjoy themselves.

Anyway, I digress, although I'm not sure what the point of this post was anyway. I guess it was to remind myself not to get stuck in a rut of wallowing in boredom and to get out and do things. So yes, do that.

A hormonal outburst.

For the last year, maybe eighteen months, I've been suffering with mood swings. Or at least, until I started blogging, I thought I had.

After Christmas 2009, I realised that my moods varied greatly from week to week and I managed to track them back to realise the connection to my cycle and the days I went on/off the pill. I was already having relationship problems with my then-boyfriend, and when I spent one week of every month crying and another shouting at anyone and everything like a crazed mad woman, I realised this wasn't going to help. So I trotted off to my doctors, presented the evidence and she swapped me to another type of pill.

Type in 'hormonal woman' to google image search et voila... depicted.

By this point it was March, and my relationship with my then-boyfriend was hanging by a thread so I hoped the change would help. It did not, and actually, my new pill made me even more insane and I became impossible to live with. I look back now at some of my demands and some of the fights we had and I can't believe I was ever like that, and whilst nothing justifies the way he finished things, I'm surprised we made it to April before he kicked me out, leaving me homeless and broke in every sense of the word.

When I realised that my emotions were being partly-fuelled by the pill again, I took myself off it and had a very nice, placated 5 months before my need for a longer term contraceptive took me back to the doctor. I now have an IUD coil fitted, which works on many of the same hormones but at a much reduced rate and rather than breaking every month, it provides a consistent flow. And yet I still seemed to suffer the same mood swings from Christmas onwards, going from illogical to teary-eyed to angry beast within days, and I suffered all the other effects of a hormone 'wobble' as my (obviously male) doctor described them, such as headaches and spots.

But now, after having split with my boyfriend three months ago and having only had one 'wobble' since, I've realised the factor was not my hormones. It was my relationship, or rather, relationships. The mood swings being caused by them, the headaches and spots from the stress of being unhappy in my situation... it all adds up, and it was only when I had my first mood swing in months on Thursday that I realised what actually caused my flare-ups. And needless to say, it has nothing to do with my hormone levels, but rather the boyfriend-induced stress levels. The calmest I've been in months have been the times I've felt truly free of BS (boyfriend stress, which to be honest could readily be exchanged with 'bullshit' and the effect would be the same) and as quickly as my BS came on Thursday, I ditched the cause from my life and magically I'm fine again.

I suppose there could be a cause-and-effect debate here, but regardless, it seems that the calmer I keep my life and the more I focus on myself rather than running my life for someone else, the clearer life seems. And it's a nice realisation, that actually I am in control of this. And hopefully now I know, it will lead to a better screening process in the future and the early warning signs of BS will be much more, often explosively, apparent.

As if I needed another reason to abstain from men in the next year or so - I have much better things to be doing, much greater things to achieve, and a much greater level of stability to reach than I ever could, evidently, with a man in tow.

So sorry guys, I'm officially off the market, even if this tale of a truly crazy woman didn't put you off...

The see-saw has levelled.

My love life has finally sorted itself out. And by 'sorted out', I mean that I realised it wasn't worth the hassle, only ended up getting hurt again and am generally wondering why the hell I bothered. When I first found myself single earlier this year, I was relieved that finally I could just worry about myself and not about others, so I vowed to stay that way until I had well and truly settled. Now, I know it's generally human nature not to follow your own advice, but I really, really need to remember that next time, learn from these mistakes and not only rock the single boat again, but settle for a year long cruise on board.

So, another note to my future self:

Just remember, next time you forget why you've escaped: he is full of bullshit. Nothing more and nothing less, and you are worth a million times more than a lying little bullshitter. You do not miss him because he brought nothing positive to your life that you could possibly miss, and you are not sad that he is gone from your life. If you are sad, it's because you miss what you could have had, and yes he would have given you everything and all the security for the future, but you would have been unhappy, always wondering if you could have been something more or with someone who made you a bit happier. And you can be something more and you will find someone who makes you happier. And actually, you will be a LOT happier.

So hopefully, the last fortnight has just been my footing slipping slightly from the amazingly positive way life is developing and now I'm back upright, standing tall.

Lots of metaphors today...

A shopping list for dating.

Ok, despite my ever-strong desire to be a spinster (men are still a lot of hassle), the Royal Wedding and various other things this week have got me perhaps in a place where I may be possibly contemplating putting myself back on the metaphorical shelf in the dating market.

Well, I can dream?

Now don't get me wrong, I have no intention of starting anything serious in the near future, definitely not while I still live here (I have utmost admiration for anyone who manages an LDR because I know I couldn't) but if a half-decent guy were to come along and show me some interest once I've moved and settled, I wouldn't instantaneously shun them.

I was talking about this with a single girlfriend last night who is newly single too, and we were talking about what we have learnt from our failed relationships and what that teaches us about what we want from a future partner. And I came up with a list which I thought I'd share as a reminder to my future self.

• If a guy brings out the worst in you (i.e. turns you into a jealous, possessive dragon) then they aren't right for you, because you're not usually like that.
• I need a guy who has ambition in life, and preferably in terms of the greater 'life plan' has roughly the same aims as you. But otherwise, they need to be passionate about something and always striving for something better and remember, if they aren't, you can't change them!
• Whilst money isn't everything, I can't deal with a guy who is completely skint. I'm hardly a gold-snatcher, and I feel a bit harsh in saying this, but I need someone who can at least pay their own way.
• Someone older, at least a couple of years older. I'm still not settled in my life yet and having someone who is the same will mean we'd probably end up going different ways anyway or making decisions based on the other and that's never a good thing.
• Taller than me - I need to be able to wear heels and not look like a giant. So I'm looking at at least 5ft 10 if not taller. This isn't a superficial thing though - I wear heels when I go out to feel sexy, which gives me self-confidence. When I don't wear heels, I don't feel as good about myself and if I have another boyfriend who whinges at me for wearing heels, he's only going to make me feel less attractive in what I have to wear as a consequence and therefore less self-confident. This might sound like rubbish but it makes sense to me.
• Someone who doesn't see me as a sex object. I had an ex once who used to demand sex on the grounds that "that's what boyfriends and girlfriends do!". Yes, but they should also both want to and the more it was expected of me, the less sexy I felt.
• I need to have my space and be allowed to have my own hobbies. If I like it, doesn't mean you have to too and if you insist on doing all the same things as me, I will end up going a bit mental and you will end up being dumped. Simple.
• REGISTER THE EARLY RED ALERT SIGNALS. If you don't feel happy or comfortable in the first few weeks, that will never change. Get out early before it's too late! 
• They need to be able to cook but generally willing to relinquish control in the kitchen. I do the cooking, you do the washing up, deal?
• Jealous and possessive = instant ditching. Don't feed their insecurity by 'helping them through it' and certainly do not change what you want to wear, where you want to go and who you want to go with.
• They need to have manners and be polite. This is such a big bug-bear for me with the 5 year-olds I teach, so if a grown-up can't manage it then he's o-u-t.
• They need to have some brains - I don't want to be running a translation service when I, for example, tell you to stop being 'pedantic' or use the word 'intrinsic' (which is one of my favourite words, no idea why).
• And as a consequence, if you don't know the right "their, there and they're", "two, to and too" and "your and you're", then you're out. It's not difficult, I know 8 year olds who know the difference, and if you can be out-smarted by an 8 year old and I have a constant itch to get my marking pens and stamps out whenever I see a tweet or text, you're not the guy for me.
• If my Nan wouldn't approve, then you're out. Sorry, guys, she's a fussy bean...

As a good friend once told me, keep searching for your knight in shining armour, never settle for a guy in a tin foil hat. I don't think I'm being too over-the-top with my list? Possibly other than the Nan one, but she knows her stuff and I've never known her to judge someone and be wrong. I suppose I just want a gentleman and a bit of old-fashioned chivalry really, and I know most modern women would cringe at my saying that, but regardless of whether I've watched too many Disney films or not, it's my success criteria! I'm sure it will change, apparently we women will kiss 22 men on average before settling down and I'm not even nearly half way through, so I think it's time to hit the city (when I move to London, obviously, the men here are generally good for Jeremy Kyle and nothing else), flash a smile and see where it gets me.

Cheers for the confidence boost, girlies from last night!

Chin up.

I have to keep telling myself to keep smiling, it's been one of those days when my mind is trying to drag me down. I'm trying not to let it but it's hard, it's like my brain is trying to force the negative on me.

So, brain, listen up.

• I do not need a man, least of all him because he drives me mad after an hour.
• But mostly, I do not have time or the energy for a man.
• And anyway, I want to be on my own, it will be the making of me.
• One day I will find someone who is right for me and who doesn't drive me mad.
• It's not my problem, it's just me choosing the wrong guys.
• It's ok to feel ill and want to go to bed. I'm not busy enough to need to 'cope'.
• The summer will be exciting, not boring, despite not having that much money.
• I will be a good teacher, despite what my last placement tutor told me.
• I will make friends, I've never had problems with it before. People will like me...

Now, brain, shut up shut up shut up!

I realise this blog doesn't make interesting reading for anyone else, sorry, but I needed the outlet.

Bad habits.

I swear far too much. It's something I really need to sort out, it seems to flow so naturally now and it's so unladylike. On top of that, it'll get me into trouble one day because I'll end up saying it to the wrong person or to someone who is offended by it and I'll regret it. And my Nan is right: swearing is for people who aren't educated enough to find a better word, and I am educated but that doesn't come across when my main adjectives are "shit" and "bollocks".

Although it has been pointed out more than once that I do not come across in the way I should. Most people, after having spoken to me for the first time, don't believe that I'm intelligent because although I am academic, I have absolutely zero common sense, am clumsy and am slow to pick up on cues of sarcasm, irony etc. I also have a fairly poor general knowledge so crosswords and quizzes make me out to be a complete dunce. I suppose I've always been a bit obsessive with knowledge in that when I'm interested in something I have to know everything about it right there and then, but if it has never interested me then I won't know anything. I suppose there's nothing bad to be said about not having a head full of useless fluff, but it would be nice to be an asset on a quiz team rather than the one who makes up the numbers or who is sent to the bar mid-round.

I'm not sure how I go about rectifying that one though?

Anyway, my other issue is that I just cannot keep things tidy! No matter how hard I try, my room is always a mess, I always have piles of paperwork on my desk and piles of half-dealt-with post on the coffee table. This one I need to get sorted soon, otherwise I'll drive myself insane living in a pit on my own in the summer.

Again, I'm not sure how to sort that one out (excuse the pun), because I already really do try.

The final issue I think I need to sort out is being a bitch. We all do it, us girls, and generally girls who say they don't are liars as well as bitches. But it's not pleasant, has no real purpose and you never know who knows who and whilst it's never caught up with me yet, I fear one day it will. I think there's a lot to be said for the old adage "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all" (thanks again, Nan) and I've decided to make a conscious effort to not be drawn into conversations like that or, worse, start or encourage them. Also, on a selfish note, I believe in karma, so being nice and positive about others will hopefully mean people see me in the same light.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It's the 'golden rule' for a reason :)

Note to self.

We all give things up in our lives that we know we should, then we forget why and do it/have it again, then a few weeks later end up giving it up again. I suppose it's human nature, you tend to forget the bad things and only the good memories remain.

But for future reference: alcohol is not something that ever has any good consequences.

Hangovers are a horrendous feeling (mainly due to it being completely self-induced).

Being sick in a club is worse than being hungover.

And I gave it up for a reason.

I think my relationship with alcohol has gotten worse since I had my drink spiked last summer. Now before you think "oh yeah right, she just got really drunk" as many do, I had only had two drinks so could not have been that drunk, I literally could not get out of bed the next day and was still unable to eat for three days. It was almost like my body was scared that whatever I ate was going to be as bad as whatever was put in my drink so refused to keep anything down, just to be sure. I still have this issue with alcohol nearly a year later, it gets to a certain point, my body decides it's had enough and I end up being sick. I used to be able to drink so much more and I could do the typical binge-drinker thing of 'drinking to get drunk' but now I start to feel borderline tipsy-drunk and my body doesn't want to know. And it seems I had completely forgotten this last night when I decided that I did indeed want to drink.

So, note to self: next time you think you want to go out and get drunk, you do not. You can't get drunk anyway, you end up being ill and as a result end up even more hungover in the morning. Just have a few or be the designated driver instead, it's much more fun. Last night was not fun, neither is today.

Although as stupid as I feel for last night, really I've come off lightly in the morning-after-the-night-before-shame-spiral. At least I haven't coupled my hangover with having to ring my boyfriend and tell him I spent the whole night kissing another guy and then add heartache to my list of ailments. Stupid girl, we did tell her at the time to stop it, she wasn't having any of it.

Alcohol really is disgusting.

Why this picture and not a related one? Well 1) Even looking at bottles of alcohol makes me feel sick and 2) It's so cute, do I even need a reason?

Enjoy the Easter Weekend everyone :)