Long time, no see.

But today, I need to write. I need to write and write and write until everything that is in my brain is so fed up of being there that it just goes away and leaves me with the happy thoughts I am trying to push through.

It has been a really, really hard six weeks. To cut a long story short, I moved into my boyfriend's flat and then, six days later, he dumped me, citing no reason, only to find out a week later that it was in fact because he was shagging someone else. - Insert completely appropriate expletive of your choice here - This left me, not only dealing with the emotions of that situation, but homeless with stuff in storage, stuff in his flat and some stuff in a very small suitcase at a friend's house. I don't know what I would have done were it not for my little suitcase and my very lovely friends, I am more grateful than I can ever really show.

So now, here I am, not-quite-6 weeks later, in a lovely flat I share with a model. She's lovely, don't get me wrong, but we lead very different lives. For example, on Thursday, she spent the day on a beach in Cannes, drinking champagne, whilst I spent the day scrubbing vomit off my bag (such are the joys of teaching 5 year olds). This difference serves as a constant reminder that, whilst we do get on really, really well, this is not really where I am supposed to be.

But, where the hell am I supposed to be? I don't feel like I belong here, I'm not sure that I even belong in London anymore because, let's face it, what the hell do I have here now? I mean, other than work, but that can't be all I have? I have a few friends here, but I'm not sure they have truly crossed over from being 'work friends' to 'friends' (the difference being that, if I ever left my job, would I see them again?) and I don't have anyone here that I can just ring and be like, "want to go for a coffee?" and them just say "yes". Everyone else is getting on with their full lives with their new families, partners and friends and here I am, with none of that. Or, at least, not really here.

I know I can't go back home to Devon, I'd end up going insane. But, at the same time, I don't really want to stay here. But where do I go? I just want my life to come back together, rather than being so disjointed, with stuff and people and memories all over the place. I want to feel like somewhere is "My Home" again, like my old flat, and to feel like I am somehow in control of my life.

Basically, I want to know who I am, what I'm doing here and where I belong.

It's going to be another hard year...

I really, really hate making decisions.

I know I need to make some decisions, that time of year is coming around again, but I literally do not know where to start. Honestly, I am terrible at decision-making at the best of times, but that is normally because I know what I should do and either don't want to do it or can't be bothered with the hassle, however the decisions I have to make now need to come out of thin air.

Why? Well I am at a stalemate in my life - I have no idea what I want to do in the future. I have wanted to move to London and to be a teacher for as long as I can remember (well, that's not true, I was 8 years old to be precise) and now I've done it and I'm happy and confident in doing it, I have nothing to aim for and nothing to look forward to. It's really getting me down because I'm a very goal-oriented person with no goal to aim for I have gone back to the mopey, procrastinating, complacent idiot I used to be when everything I wanted still seemed a million miles away. I don't want to be that person anymore, and whilst I have managed to, just about, kick-start my life since the turn of the year, I am very aware that we are only just a week into 2013 and that forcing myself will only get me so far - I need some motivation, something to shoot for, and I literally have no idea what I want. I need that drive, that motivation and I have no idea where my life is going.

My head is swimming with question after question after question: Do I want to stay working at the same school? Is there any career progression there for me, and if there is, is it in the direction I want to go? What direction do I even want to move in? What do I stand for? What really drives me to get out of bed in the morning? What do I want from my social life? Is this as good as it will ever get or can I get more out of it? Do I get the most out of my spare time? What do I really want to do with my day, any/all parts of it? How much am I really homesick for Plymouth? How can I avoid being sucked into a 'comfort zone' (which I can already feel happening)?

I desperately need to work out what my next steps are and what I need to do in order to achieve them. I need to make some decisions, soon, to avoid being sucked into a 'comfort zone' which then becomes very hard to get out of. I never want that, never ever ever...

My annual letters to the past and future.

Dear 2012 and 2013.

Firstly, 2012, I am very glad that you have gone from my life. You took my confidence, my career, and most importantly, my Grandad, and you left me as a miserable, pathetic excuse for a person - the sort of person I thought I had left behind at sixth form. So, to cut a long story short: 2012, I hate you, you absolute bitch of a year. I never want to see or think about you again. Goodbye.

This means, 2013, me and you have some serious work to do. We are going to forget all of the upset and problems that last year brought and we are going to get back on track. So, here we go (and yes, I am one of those silly people who makes a million new years resolutions, but in my defence, I do usually keep them for at least a month. Some have even stuck for a whole year...):

1) I will stop sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself. Get up and do something, you lazy cow.
2) I will keep my mouth shut at work. Moaning and bitching will get me nowhere.
3) I will find something to do with my free time that makes me happy.
4) I will make friends... Even friend, singular, would be great. (Pathetic, I know)
5) I will make more of an effort to fix things that are wrong with my life, rather than moaning or crying about them.

Let's go, 2013, and fix this ridiculous mess of a life. Starting today and blasting through the next month, let's get the momentum going to make some real change. I cannot have another year like this one, I just can't...

Yes, the first time I admit I am an adult.

I love my Plymouth girls so much. We've grown up together, known each other for so long I can't remember being without them, but this weekend I think we all realised that actually, now we have grown up (as much as I hate to admit that I'm not still 18...) our friendships have changed.

I came back to Plymouth to see everyone for the first time in 8 weeks but I had missed nothing. No-one has been out on a night out, celebrated anything or even met for a coffee in that time and whilst it's great to think that I haven't missed anything, it was sad to realise that this is how "grown up" friendships actually work: Hardly seeing each other because we're so busy working, so tired when we do meet that we can't be bothered to go out and (the other girls more so than me) spending most of our free time with boyfriends.

I guess this is what growing up feels like, or so my mum said.

Plus, I now feel like the odd one out for not being in a "serious relationship", whatever the hell that means, whereas only 18 months ago I was the odd one for being in one. Because I'm not desperate to get married in the next 2 years or not even in a relationship which is anything more than casual, I now get the patronising, "ahh, well, that's ok..." comments which suddenly make me feel like I'm strange.

Am I strange for not wanting those things yet? For not wanting to be tied down? For wanting to be able to take any opportunity which comes my way without having to worry about someone else? For not wanting to be held back, or potentially hold someone else back? Don't get me wrong, I love being in a couple again but I couldn't go back to the ties and commitments I found myself in before. I've just turned 23 for goodness sake, why am I the odd one out for not being in a rush to grow up? Don't get me wrong, I'm SO happy my friends are happy and feel ready for that commitment, but we're young, surely it's ok not to want that?

I don't really know who I am yet, never mind be sure what I want for the future. That isn't really that unusual, surely?

A reverse bucket list.

I'm inspired by Mama Kat's writing prompts again today. The challenge is to write a reverse-bucket list of 10 things I hope I never have to/want to do in my life, which is surprisingly difficult!

My Reverse Bucket List.

1) I will never smoke. Why would anyone ever do that to themselves?

2) I have no intention of running a marathon. Again, why would anyone ever do that to themselves?

3) I will never have an empty savings account again. It was great to use the money I had on setting up my own life when I moved, but not having a financial security blanket scared me.

4) I will never have the same job for more than 4 years. I couldn't stand to be stuck in a dead-end job, plus I get bored very easily. My Mum has always instilled this in me, as she is in the situation I seek to avoid, and I will not be like her.

5) I will not settle for second best. Again...

6) I will not drink a strawberry milkshake. They make me physically sick.

7) I will never learn to dance in any way. I move like a plank of wood, I've dealt with that and I can't change now.

8) I will not fall out with my Mum again. She's actually pretty awesome.

9) I will never swim with sharks. Seriously, why would anyone ever want to do something that horrendous?!

10) I would never go skinny-dipping. Call me boring or prude, but I just don't fancy being that exposed?

So there you go, you know the most boring side to me! I'd love to hear some of yours so please comment away :)

Resolutions, resolutions, resolutions.

So, it's that time again and yes, they may have all gone to pot by the end of January (if you're extra good), but I'm a firm believer in New Years resolutions. The change of the year forces us to reflect on the past year and think about how to make the next year better, and resolutions provide just that bit more focus.

However, I don't buy into the whole "self-improvement" thing. I think putting pressure on yourself like that only sets you up to fail and forces you to put pressure on yourself which in turn makes the thing you strive for more difficult. So, this year, my new year resolutions are simple:

• To smile more often;
• To live in and enjoy the present;
• To make more time for myself.

I want to remember this feeling, the one I have today, feeling completely happy and content. I want every day to be like that and to do whatever I need to to make that happen. Taking more time for myself I guess comes into that, but that also involves making sure I see more of the people who make my life special, do more of the things I love and do more of the things that I want to do. I want to be on my own, loving every second of this year as I find out more about myself, watch my best friends get married, take steps in my career and really settle in my new life. I want to be happy, all day every day and make sure I don't get stuck in another rut with someone or doing something that brings me down.

2012 is the year of the selfish... Bring it on!

It's almost time to say goodbye.

Goodbye 2011, you've been a year of ups and downs. I think I will miss you, but that will depend on where 2012 takes me.

I'll give you credit where credit is due, the ups were definitely more numerous than the downs. In fact, this was the year my dreams came true and the year that I truly proved myself. You gave me the opportunity to move to London, the one place I have always wanted to live; I got my dream job at a school which is more perfect for me than even I realised when I started; You are letting me live the dream, on my own, and you have helped me to find out who I am and what I want from life.

I knew that this year would be my year. You didn't disappoint. Thank you for letting me be selfish and finally get to where I wanted to be without anyone or anything to hold me back.

Thank you for bringing me closer to the people in my life who I love, and thank you for helping me get rid of those who dragged me down. All I ask is that next year I meet lots of new people, or get to know the new people in my life at the moment and don't end up wasting any more time with anyone who can and will bring me down.

Oh, and thank you for giving me confidence. I've never had it before, it feels good.

I guess my only complaint would be that you helped me to find out who I am and what I want through a few too many "learn from your mistakes"-type of experiences. Sort that out please, none of that rubbish next year. Not that I regret any of it, you always regret the things you don't do more than the things you do, but I would rather just learn through positive experiences, i.e. learning what I am and what I like rather than working it out based on what I'm not or don't like. But all in all, I can't complain.

So, 2012, you have a lot to live up to. Bring it on!

Another new era.

I began this week as if the last six months hadn't happened. Single again.

And, in all honesty, I love it.

I love being on my own, being completely in charge of my own life and making decisions purely based on what I want. This may sound selfish and make me sound like a complete spoilt brat, but having to think of someone else first has pretty much ruined me over the last few weeks so perhaps, actually, having it all thrown back in my face in the way that it was simply was a lucky escape. Maybe it means that it's OK to think about myself for a while, to focus on what I want my life to look like and spend some time making sure I reach those goals. I've been able to do that this week and I can already see the rewards. I'm happier, less stressed and generally feeling more like my usual positive self>

So, to celebrate, I had a Single Saturday (which a few friends and I came up with to describe a completely self-indulgent day). I...

• Slept on my sofa so I could fall asleep watching telly (it's a comfort thing...);
• Had a lie in and then sat curled up in my duvet with a cup of tea watching Saturday Kitchen;
• Made a sausage sandwich for breakfast and sat with a pint of tea;
• Sat and read a trashy magazine;
• Spent over 2 hours online shopping;
• Made a lovely stew and baked a small cake just for myself;
• Listened to cheesy music and danced around the flat with my hoover;
• Watched crappy telly and aimlessly surfed the internet;
• Had a long bath with a hot-oil hair treatment and a face mask;
• Finally sat back in the same spot I have been in all day with a cup of hot chocolate and my duvet.

Bliss <3

How have you spent your Saturday?

My 9-year-old self would be so proud of me.

Tomorrow I start work at an actual school. As a teacher. As a paid, real teacher.

And I'm just ever-so-slightly excited...

It may be the single most exciting thing that has ever happened to me! Every single decision I have made in the last six years has been leading up to tomorrow, and tomorrow I get to become to person I have always dreamed of. When I was nine years old, I decided I wanted to become a teacher and if that little-me could see me now, she'd be so proud to see I achieved my absolute dream job. Although I doubt she'd be surprised, I've always had a severe determined streak to my personality. Generally what I want, I get. Not in a bad way, I just know what I want and never give up. It's one of the few personality traits I wouldn't change about myself because without it, I wouldn't be sat here today.

And even better, it will give me something to do to take the focus away from this strange delayed heartbreak I seem to be suffering two months after the break-up. No idea why it's hitting me now, but I won't dwell on it. Again.

So, back to the point of this post...

I FRICKING DID IT!

Wish me luck!

Something on the horizon.

I need to start by apologising for my last few posts. It's been a hard few days, I've found myself overwhelmed on more than one occasion but I'm beginning to settle into a new routine now and hopefully I can keep on top of my anxiety again. Blogging helped though, I knew I had taken this up again for a reason. It helped me to feel much less lonely when the feeling really kicked in. Which it has, there's no doubt about it, but it's not bothering me too much today.

I think having something to look forward to is an amazing motivation. I expect that a lack of it, as I now have everything I've been counting down to, has been partly to blame with my negative mood and anxiety difficulties recently. This theory seems to have been further confirmed today because now I have things to get excited about again, suddenly I am finding myself much more able to cope.

So, here's my happy list for the month:

11th - I start my induction week at school. Activities include a social night, a transfer meeting and meeting my new class. I am SO excited about that I cannot begin to describe;
16th - I have a friend coming to stay. The friend I said I would stop seeing... oh well;
20th - Back to Devon;
21st - My graduation ceremony;
22nd - Only going to see actual Jeremy Kyle being filmed!
23rd - Weekend with the grandparents and my Dad. Plus car shopping with my Dad, but he doesn't know that yet;
29th - I inherit my classroom. MY classroom, to do with whatever I like!

And, most importantly of all, today is my last early morning because of deliveries and it is the last day of waiting around for even more deliveries. I'll be free to get out and do what I want, explore a few more places and I can eventually have my trek out to Ikea. Don't try to tell me I don't know how to live...

Life is much more peaceful today. I'm feeling good :)

Today has been an epic see-saw of a day...

10:30am - Time to collect results. Disappointed with my dissertation mark, but not surprised.
10:35am - Pick up module results for the final 2 modules. Only, one has gone missing.
11:20am - Still no sign of my assignment, despite four different people now scouring the university for it. all lecturers on strike today.
12:05pm - My friends all go out for lunch without inviting me. "Friends"
12:20pm - Realise the ramifications of them having lost my work if it doesn't get found. Lots of tears.
12:21pm - Send panicky email to module leader. She says she is on the case.
1:45pm - Results emailed through. Gutted, actually, gutted. I've been bordering on a first for my entire degree and slip up at the final hurdle. 2:1 it is then.
1:46pm - My school ring. They have had a teacher pull out for September and wonder if I would perhaps like to teach year 3 instead next year. Very happy, year 3s are my ideal year group and I could not be happier!
2:50pm - My headteacher rings to tell me about a dangerous, nasty family who live on my road. And oh yeah, their son is in my class.

What a fucking, awful day. Excuse my French.

Bollocks.

Decision making and being quite terrified.

I have always known I am dreadful at making decisions.

Unless I have a very strong preference either one way or the other, I need a second person to help me make the decision, to help me balance my logic and generally to confirm/dispute any 'vague ideas' I might have about whatever I'm deciding. I knew, therefore, that this would be something that I have to get over as I move out this week and take on all responsibility from everything from furniture, bills to choosing which cereal to buy. The cereal issue, in particular, is one I always find difficult. I mean, you walk down the cereal aisle and there are so many choices, all of differing tastes, prices, nutritional value, ones which are more filling, ones which are branded, ones which are not... and it isn't something that I have a strong preference for, I like lots of different cereals, and therefore I have always been quite ridiculously overwhelmed by this ordeal.

(Slightly dramatic but it really is one of my anxiety triggers).

So it's no wonder really that I have spent nearly 3 days selecting all my furniture. And even in doing that, I needed my Mum's opinion on a few things, but finally I did manage to come to a decision and place my order today. That was an ordeal in itself, and it will leave me pretty-much housebound for a fortnight whilst I wait in for deliveries, but I actually have my own furniture. Furniture I chose and furniture I now have to live with whether I like it or not - I only have myself to blame and, that thought, I find very scary. Which is why, I guess, I find making decisions about expensive things difficult and why I usually try to avoid it.

But no more! It will be one of those things I have to do and have to get used to whether I like it or not which, let's face it, is the best way to get over stupid little hang-ups like this.

Although I do have to go food shopping and choose some cereal on Saturday...

Shall I just have toast for breakfast?

Anyway, in other news, the managing agent rang me yesterday to say they had painted every wall, door and ceiling in the flat, that it was being cleaned today by a "team of professional cleaners" and that the door and chain were also being fixed today. Which is great news, and a great comfort to see I have such pro-active managing agents who are straight on the case of any problems. He said he would ring back to confirm it had all been done and other than insisting that he goes round to personally inspect the property, which clearly was not done before, I'll finally be ready to move in on Saturday.

Just the case of university results day tomorrow...

As if I'm not anxious enough this week.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

(As literate as ever...)

So, I've moved!

Although, surprisingly enough (I did think things were going far too well by my standards) my luck has run out and the flat was not much short of a disaster.

The letting agents went on and on to me about the conditions of my deposit, "we expect it to be returned in the immaculate condition you find it in today" blah blah blah and yet when I turned up, the place was disgusting. It stank of smoke, the whole place quite frankly needs repainting (which I'm annoyed about because, surely if the previous tenant lived there for five years, it would of COURSE need a lick of paint before anyone else moved in) and to say it was "immaculate" in terms of cleanliness was so far short of the mark you couldn't even see the mark. The kitchen was disgusting, the carpet needed more than a damn good hoover, and the bathroom quite frankly needed industrial-strength bleach across the whole thing. Clearly in the four weeks since I looked around nothing has been cleaned in the slightest and as a consequence it was rank.

So I put on my grumpy face and marched back to the agents (who manage the property) and, armed with a list, demanded that it will all be sorted by the time I come back with the rest of my stuff on Saturday. Which, whilst it seemed like an inconvenience at first, having to traipse all the way back down to Devon for this week, is now a blessing in disguise. I wouldn't have slept on that floor if you'd paid me, and I told the gentleman who deals with my property as such. He was very apologetic and confirmed that he would have cleaners, painters and decorators sent out for the next day and that I could ring on Thursday to confirm but it would all have been dealt with by then.

So on Saturday, I will finally move all of my things and have my furniture delivered into a "pristine" flat which will not even need a hoovering, or so I am told, and I can finally play house. Cannot wait!

Although, now I'm stuck on hold to various companies to sort out the boring details about bills. It has at least given me time to write this though, I've been on hold to EDF for nearly 40 minutes.

Summer bucket list

So I'm taking part in Mama's losing it and her weekly writing prompts again! This one was a nice challenge (50 is a lot) which has taken me nearly three days to write but it gives me focus for the 8 weeks I have free this summer.

50 things you want to do this summer

1. Have a bloody amazing 'last night' with the girls; 
2. Decorate my classroom ready for September; 
3. Sort out my flat to make it into a home; 
4. Learn my way around where I live and find how to get to everywhere I need to; 
5. Buy a bike! 
6. Meet up with S one evening; 
7. Maybe meet up with L? 
8. Catch up with NJ whilst she still lives in London; 
9. Go to the cute tea shop Stefany at Influence recommended; 
10. Go to Greenwich market; 
11. Go to Brick Lane market; 
12. Go to Camden market; 
13. Go to the pizza place in Covent Garden that has unusual toppings; 
14. Visit the Tate gallery; 
15. Go on a day-trip to the seaside; 
16. Visit Fortnum and Mason to their bizarre food hall; 
17. Have a night out in London! 
18. Read at least two classic novels; 
19. Read at least five other books; 
20. Start making my Christmas presents; 
21. Shop for a graduation outfit at Bluewater shopping centre; 
22. Meet/see a celebrity! For no reason other than I'd like the anecdote; 
23. Use a nightbus in London; 
24. Make a pizza from scratch; 
25. Sing at a kareoke night (to tick it off my general bucket list); 
26. Take up kick boxing again; 
27. Have my hair re-styled; 
28. Get a tan! Natural or fake, not fussy; 
29. Have a champagne cocktail; 
30. See a stand-up comedy show; 
31. Learn how to make different flavoured bread; 
32. See a west-end show; 
33. Try my Mum's family recipe for sticky toffee pudding; 
34. Take up running and try to maintain my fitness level; 
35. Make home-made lemonade; 
36. Meet at least one of my new neighbours (just because the rural girl in me doesn't want to totally fade); 
37. Go for a walk along the Thames from my house; 
38. Go on a bike ride along the Thames from my house; 
39. Bake and decorate a cake; 
40. Buy myself some nice new smart clothes for my first day as a teacher; 
41. Go to visit my Nan for the day; 
42. Go to visit my Dad for the day; 
43. Go on a week-long detox (next week); 
44. Actually unpack everything! I don't want any boxes lying around by September; 
45. Have a picnic on the southbank; 
46. Do not get involved with any men. At all; 
47. Try sushi; 
48. Have my first skype date in two years; 
49. Make some new friends! 
50. Get into a routine of keeping in touch with my current friends and family. I don't want to be forgotten... ♥

Never mind the rain...

Despite the fact that the rain has been torrential here for the best part of three hours, there is still an air of summer around today. We may be sat in a dark living room in warm jumpers, but yet there is an air of optimism and summer excitement in our family.

Mainly because Wimbledon is on. This is the annual fortnight of tennis which brings with it short-lived enthusiasm for tennis in the UK, a boost to the sales of strawberries and a good excuse to spend whole days sat indoors watching the television. And watching it, despite the rain, reminds us that it is finally summer.

Summer is always a pick-me-up for me. I hate the winter, I hate dark evenings and as for the 'cute' evenings when you cuddle up on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a good film, they are nice the first time and maybe, at a push, the second time. But any more after this and it is just plain boring and miserable. Summer is all about getting outdoors, socialising, watching the natural world bloom and look glorious before our eyes.

And traditionally it is a time of change. Leaving school, graduating from university, moving to new jobs and the such like all happen in the summer for new challenges to await us in the autumn. This is, of course, no different for me this year and I don't think I need to explain how excited I am about this because it has been the subject of far too many posts of mine lately.

Furthermore, today, I did most of my packing. At the weekend I did the shopping which means I have all the utensils and appliances I will need. And as such, today, the count down really is on - in seven days time, a week today, I will be in my flat. My flat, with no-one else to answer to, with my own things and with my own life in front of me so that every decision from next Monday onwards will be about me. And it's lovely to be able to have such a selfish outlook on life for a change because I have spent far too long riding in someone else's wake, letting them lead me down their pathways and finally I am free of that. I can truly find out who I am, what I want and who I am going to become. I can lay my own path.

This is what summer signifies for me, more so now than ever, and it is wonderful to fully embrace this. And, as you all know, I can't wait.

However, my tennis racket is already packed. My enthusiasm for tennis will have to extend to reaching for the remote, not the racket. And drooling over Nadal, of course...

If social media died tomorrow...

Today I'm writing a link up with Mama's Losing It and taking inspiration from one of her writing prompts. I've been a follower of hers for a while now but this is the first time I've written for her link-up so if you have found your way here from her site, welcome and I hope you enjoy.

If Social Media died tomorrow, describe another hobby you might get into.

If social media died tomorrow, I don't think I would be the only person who would be absolutely gutted. Facebook, in particular, has been such a prominent feature in most people's lives for so long that I doubt many of us could live without it, arrange to meet our friends or keep up with each other's lives without it. I think it would have seen off a lot of my friendships when school friends went to university and now, as I leave university, would mean I would lose contact with even more people. I won't get into the debate as to how many of my facebook friends I would actually miss if that happened, because I think we all acknowledge having 'friends' on facebook is well over-used, but I think facebook has meant I have been able to keep in contact with more friends than I could have other wise. And as such, going back to the prompt, if social media collapsed tomorrow and I had no facebook, twitter or blogger to update, I would be very bored!

Of all my current hobbies, which have admittedly been side-lined recently due to final-year degree study, I think my crafts, sewing, baking and reading would be the ones I would instantly pick up again. Reading in particular would, at the moment, be the way I passed evenings when there was nothing on telly, but my obsessions change on an almost weekly basis. For example, last week I spent four evenings baking and trying new recipes, yet this week I've eaten beans on toast and pasta sauce from a jar. So maybe with more time to spend on these hobbies I would find myself developing more of a passion, rather than almost-fleeting interests which seem to run on a cyclical basis, but who knows. I may also spend more time keeping fit and hitting the gym/swimming/trying new sports and activities, but I think I do this to the best of my ability and time restraints at it is.

However, I think it is worth considering how much more free time would it actually give me? If we couldn't catch up with a friend via exchanges on the internet, would it mean we all went out to socialise more? Would it mean we would spend more time on the phone chatting to friends? I spoke to a friend following this train of thought as recently she disconnected herself from facebook for six months and she agreed. She said that she found she had more time to go out and see her friends and then, the time she then spent with them brought them much closer together because they had much more to talk about and could go into much more detail about their lives. But she also said that due to everyone else still using facebook, she began to feel distant so felt the need to re-register. So whilst at first, being without social networking would surely enhance some of the long-lost ways to communicate, it does rather limit the social circle you can keep.

And anyway, I think if social media collapsed, I'd have to use some of my free time to get a second job. After all, the supplies for my crafting, the gym membership, the phone bills and the cost of going out to meet friends would soon add up and being skint right now would limit how well I could keep up with friends. And maybe that's where social networking wins because, right now, I'm skint but I still sit in my living room and chat to my friends regardless of where they live and whether we can afford to go out for a coffee. And I imagine as my life changes over the coming months, being able to keep in touch with my friends back in Plymouth at the simple click of a button will become even more important for me.

So lets hope that social media never dies because I've made far too many amazing friends over the last few years to lose contact with them all completely. But maybe I will switch off the laptop tonight to knit or read the evening away, as maybe I need more of a healthy balance rather than having an existence which is either/or social media or other hobbies.

Driving through time.

I hate driving through Plymouth. Each and every place in this stupid city reminds me of something I've lost, something I should have done or a mistake I've made. I drive past my flat and drive on or past the roads I used to curse daily to get to it and I'm reminded of the mistakes I made. I drive along a road near the city centre and I'm reminded of my horrible school experience. I drive past certain shops and am reminded of arguments, I drive along certain roads and I'm reminded of crying during my driving lessons when my instructor shouted at me, I drive along a certain road and am reminded of one of the best things I ever did but can no longer do.

I know this sounds strange and a bit depressing, but driving through Plymouth late last night and seeing my whole life play out as I drove along the A38 didn't make me feel sad. It made me reflect on my life, on all those mistakes and bad times and how actually they have led me to where I am today. If I didn't hate this town, then the alternative would be to become one of them; to have no hope, no drive, no ambition and to be happy with exactly what I have, regardless of what my dreams once were or could have been. Mistakes help you learn what you really do want, they help you to recognise your flaws so you don't make the same mistakes again and they help you to move forward to better things. And that is exactly what I intend to do this month when I move.

And so, finally, that desire I had last night will be fulfilled - just keep driving, drive as far away as possible and don't look back. Leave the mistakes behind, take the lessons from them and move on to the better things you couldn't have otherwise had. Because, really, were they even mistakes/bad things? If they have all led me to this point, where I'm happy and have a promising future full with opportunities I can't even imagine, would I wish to have never been through it all? No way.

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that.

I have somewhere to live!

I finally have a flat in London! My moving date is the 27th of June and that will be the day I have been waiting for - every single decision I've made in the last 4 years has been building up to this and now I'm 20 days away from having everything I've ever wanted, and this flat really is the icing on the cake. Don't get me wrong, it's not massive, but the kitchen is lovely, the bathroom is nice, the bedroom is spacious and the living space is nice if not slightly compact. I couldn't take any photos of the inside because the current tenant had boxes packed up to the ceiling, but, check out the view:

Plus, being right on the river bank, it is so quiet you wouldn't know you were only 20 minutes from central London... other than being under the flightpath for London City Airport, but everywhere in the area is (obviously) so I can't hold that against it. And anyway, even when I sat and ate my lunch on the benches opposite I only counted 4 planes in 45 minutes, which you wouldn't even notice after a while. On top of all this, it's a ten minute walk to my school, probably only 15 minutes walk to the train station or a 5 minute bus ride, and even better, there is a sports club down the road which runs the kick boxing school I used to be a member of before it closed locally, which means I can start going again! I'm so excited I just want to scream and dance around!

I have literally never been this excited in all my life, I just want to run out and buy all my furniture, accessories and kitchen stuff now! I know it will be a pain to move it all but I can't see myself holding out this long. Plus, there isn't a Tesco/Ikea very nearby so it might be worthwhile doing, especially seeing as I now have the opportunity to do three trips in the car when moving rather than just two.

Ok, I'm going to get up and sort my life out so I can justify getting excited!

Plus, I have another date on Wednesday, if you can call it that. This all followed a very messy night out with the girls to celebrate graduating, but I think that story is best left forgotten and this whole thing kept pretty quiet. Which would usually not be worth the hassle, but I'm now moving in less than 3 weeks and, if I thought London was a long way, he's moving to Cairo to teach in August, so this is as short-term as is humanly possible and, to be honest, is basically about sex and right now that suits me fine.

So heres to an exciting last three weeks in Plymouth before I finally escape this hell-hole and get everything I've ever wanted. Finally :)

Virus-creating computer geeks, I am smarter than you.

I managed to trick my computer so I could run a systems restore and save it and, to be honest, I feel like I have my arm back. It's a sad thing to admit, but I couldn't live without a computer now and the thought of having to do so, even for a few days, was physically mortifying. So now it's packed with anti-virus, anti-malware and anti-spyware software and hopefully nice and safe, I can go back to my primarily internet-based existence.

But seriously, what would we do without a computer these days? How would I do my 2500 word essay due on Friday? How would I keep in contact with my friends without bombarding them with texts and phone calls? How would I be managing to house-hunt in London whilst living 200 miles away in Devon? And whilst you could argue I could still do those things without the internet/a computer using a pen, paper, a phone and a car, it would all take a lot longer, would be a lot harder and generally I would only be able to do one thing at once as opposed to all the above within the space of an hour. And that's just what I've done/used the internet for today: what about tomorrow, the next day... it really is scary how we've come to rely on these things. Because, actually, we are so dependent on them now that we do need them to maintain our current lifestyles, and I'll say it again, it's sad but true. But they say technology moves us forward, and so I suppose we do have more components to our lives as a result, and I couldn't imagine living the lifestyle our parents did aged twenty-something.

Anyway, in other news, I got an Olympic ticket for the Athletics next year! I'm very excited, the chance to go to the Olympic Stadium will be a once in a lifetime opportunity and it will be amazing to be in London and share in the excitement. Mind you, either side of the event I have a ticket for, you won't catch me within 200 miles of London - the whole city will be in a state of absolute bedlam, but still, for the one day I will be there amongst the crowds and packed onto the DLR from Woolwich, it will be an amazing, exciting and uplifting event I'm sure. Bring on next summer!

The Olympic Stadium - aerial view.

A hormonal outburst.

For the last year, maybe eighteen months, I've been suffering with mood swings. Or at least, until I started blogging, I thought I had.

After Christmas 2009, I realised that my moods varied greatly from week to week and I managed to track them back to realise the connection to my cycle and the days I went on/off the pill. I was already having relationship problems with my then-boyfriend, and when I spent one week of every month crying and another shouting at anyone and everything like a crazed mad woman, I realised this wasn't going to help. So I trotted off to my doctors, presented the evidence and she swapped me to another type of pill.

Type in 'hormonal woman' to google image search et voila... depicted.

By this point it was March, and my relationship with my then-boyfriend was hanging by a thread so I hoped the change would help. It did not, and actually, my new pill made me even more insane and I became impossible to live with. I look back now at some of my demands and some of the fights we had and I can't believe I was ever like that, and whilst nothing justifies the way he finished things, I'm surprised we made it to April before he kicked me out, leaving me homeless and broke in every sense of the word.

When I realised that my emotions were being partly-fuelled by the pill again, I took myself off it and had a very nice, placated 5 months before my need for a longer term contraceptive took me back to the doctor. I now have an IUD coil fitted, which works on many of the same hormones but at a much reduced rate and rather than breaking every month, it provides a consistent flow. And yet I still seemed to suffer the same mood swings from Christmas onwards, going from illogical to teary-eyed to angry beast within days, and I suffered all the other effects of a hormone 'wobble' as my (obviously male) doctor described them, such as headaches and spots.

But now, after having split with my boyfriend three months ago and having only had one 'wobble' since, I've realised the factor was not my hormones. It was my relationship, or rather, relationships. The mood swings being caused by them, the headaches and spots from the stress of being unhappy in my situation... it all adds up, and it was only when I had my first mood swing in months on Thursday that I realised what actually caused my flare-ups. And needless to say, it has nothing to do with my hormone levels, but rather the boyfriend-induced stress levels. The calmest I've been in months have been the times I've felt truly free of BS (boyfriend stress, which to be honest could readily be exchanged with 'bullshit' and the effect would be the same) and as quickly as my BS came on Thursday, I ditched the cause from my life and magically I'm fine again.

I suppose there could be a cause-and-effect debate here, but regardless, it seems that the calmer I keep my life and the more I focus on myself rather than running my life for someone else, the clearer life seems. And it's a nice realisation, that actually I am in control of this. And hopefully now I know, it will lead to a better screening process in the future and the early warning signs of BS will be much more, often explosively, apparent.

As if I needed another reason to abstain from men in the next year or so - I have much better things to be doing, much greater things to achieve, and a much greater level of stability to reach than I ever could, evidently, with a man in tow.

So sorry guys, I'm officially off the market, even if this tale of a truly crazy woman didn't put you off...