"The bloodbath"

A.K.A. My Graduation day.

3 things in one room I wanted to avoid - 1) my parent's constant arguing and my Mum's consequential tantrums and sulking; 2) my ex boyfriend who I still love and adore; 3) the fact that actually, I didn't do as well in my degree as I thought.

And yet, actually, none of them were as bad as I thought. For once, and I know this sounds selfish, but the day was actually all about me and my achievement and it really was lovely. So, what happened?

1) Parent's avoided each other, Mum didn't shout, the precise timetabling of photo opportunities etc worked beautifully. Everyone was actually proud, or at least, feigned pride.

2) Spent a lot of time with 'him' and managed not to cry. Spoke to 'his' family and generally enjoyed being around him. Have arranged meeting on Tuesday and gave him his birthday card for tomorrow. Lovely.

3) Spoke to a university tutor who submitted a mark 20 marks higher than what I actually got. The mistake is being ironed out and I will only be bloody graduating with FIRST CLASS HONOURS! So excited and over-whelmed I cried. A lot. Bawled like a baby, actually, and everyone was so proud of me it really was the absolute cherry on the cake.

As perfect as it possibly could have been. Bliss. <3

Did you know we can't throw our caps in the air now? Health and Safety, you could lose an eye...

How did I get here?

How did I go from being confident and independent to sitting in my car crying because my graduation day tomorrow has been pretty much ruined before it's even started? I was doing fine in my little bubble of ignorance back in London, I could keep myself busy so as not to let these thoughts get to me. But now I'm here, it's getting to me. Really, really getting to me.

My Grandparents won't come because they don't want to get in the middle of this crap. My Dad is affectionately referring to the day as "the bloodbath". My Mum is still sulking and can't even muster up some fake pride. My ex-boyfriend will be there and given how stupidly in love with him I still am, despite how much he hurt me, that will really be the cherry on top of the giant shit that will be tomorrow.

I literally feel the lowest I've felt in months, if not years. Tomorrow is the day every horrible thing in my life will be in the same room. For 2 hours, if not longer. And every time I think about it, I cry.

Bring on the next 24 hours. Let's get them over and done with as soon as possible so I can go back to pretending my life is OK, my family aren't messed up and I don't miss that horrible, amazing boy.