Memories.

Sorry I haven't blogged much recently, it's been a busy month. A hard month too, actually.

I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)

I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.

As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:

1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)

2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.

3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I have achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.

4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.

5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.

No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.

On that note...

How do you make friends?

When you're a kid, making friends just sort of happens. You turn up to a new place with a load of other new people and you just start talking, play together, go to each other's houses etc and soon enough you have a group of friends and a 'best friend' you can share all your secrets with. This might last for a week (on holiday, for example), a year until you move into different classes or even last until you're both grown up and spend all your time talking about relationships, weddings, babies and the cost of milk (or rather, discussing how you should be talking about those things but are still out getting drunk every weekend).

But, when you are an adult, friendships don't fall into place that easily. Even at work, where I joined as one of 11 new staff last September, it still takes a lot of effort for any of us to meet up outside of school and our friendships, although good in school, aren't quite at that stage where I could just text someone today for a spontaneous cup of coffee or a cheeky drink down the local. It still takes planning and the whole "who else is coming?" conversation, because it has to be a group thing when you're still forming new friendships, at least a week in advance to make any sort of plans. And it sucks.

When the weather is nice (for example, last weekend), you want to be able to plan a quick picnic, drink in a beer garden or even a trip to the beach. You can't plan it in advance, because let's face it, the British weather isn't that predictable, but you need to have those sorts of friendships where you can just ring people, get in the car and go. The same applies when you suddenly find you have a spare afternoon: you want to have someone to ring and meet for a cup of tea, lunch, any sort of activity but without those friendships in place it is hard. You don't want to be the only one trying to make plans or the only one who is seemingly sad enough not to have anything to do so you just stay quiet.

I don't think it is just me being socially awkward? I do wonder if I am finding it harder because everyone else I have met has pre-existing friendships from their life before this year, whereas I don't have that. Not here anyway, and it is starting to bother me now. I thought things were turning around for me, I thought I was getting to know more people but it turns out we're only really friends as part of a group and the group has pretty much fallen apart this last week. Things have gotten too messy.

I'm feeling quite lonely here now, and it's only Monday of half term. I have another week yet, and then only six weeks in which to change this situation before I have a very lonely six week summer holiday.

How the hell do you make friendships as an adult?

(Although I have realised in writing this that maybe I need to be more organised with making plans in the first place. Something to focus on next half term...)

Yes, the first time I admit I am an adult.

I love my Plymouth girls so much. We've grown up together, known each other for so long I can't remember being without them, but this weekend I think we all realised that actually, now we have grown up (as much as I hate to admit that I'm not still 18...) our friendships have changed.

I came back to Plymouth to see everyone for the first time in 8 weeks but I had missed nothing. No-one has been out on a night out, celebrated anything or even met for a coffee in that time and whilst it's great to think that I haven't missed anything, it was sad to realise that this is how "grown up" friendships actually work: Hardly seeing each other because we're so busy working, so tired when we do meet that we can't be bothered to go out and (the other girls more so than me) spending most of our free time with boyfriends.

I guess this is what growing up feels like, or so my mum said.

Plus, I now feel like the odd one out for not being in a "serious relationship", whatever the hell that means, whereas only 18 months ago I was the odd one for being in one. Because I'm not desperate to get married in the next 2 years or not even in a relationship which is anything more than casual, I now get the patronising, "ahh, well, that's ok..." comments which suddenly make me feel like I'm strange.

Am I strange for not wanting those things yet? For not wanting to be tied down? For wanting to be able to take any opportunity which comes my way without having to worry about someone else? For not wanting to be held back, or potentially hold someone else back? Don't get me wrong, I love being in a couple again but I couldn't go back to the ties and commitments I found myself in before. I've just turned 23 for goodness sake, why am I the odd one out for not being in a rush to grow up? Don't get me wrong, I'm SO happy my friends are happy and feel ready for that commitment, but we're young, surely it's ok not to want that?

I don't really know who I am yet, never mind be sure what I want for the future. That isn't really that unusual, surely?

Happy Sunday.

Happy Sunday everyone!

I've had an absolutely lovely day to round off a great weekend. I went out for the afternoon with a couple of the other teachers from school and one brought her little'un along. We went to Greenwich park to play on the slide and swings (and the adults blatantly enjoyed this more than littlie in the cold), then we went for lunch in an absolutely lovely restaurant where I had a goats cheese tart with caramelised onions and rocket salad with dripping chips on the side. (I realise you didn't need/want to know that detail, but I tend to remember places and events through the food I ate. Is that weird?)

It was such a lovely, relaxing day and so nice to finally get to know some new people. Obviously I see everyone at work and we get on when we're chatting in the staff room, but having friends to call upon outside of school really is my aim right now and it was lovely to have that today. I think this is another one of the many things I missed out on through having to traipse across London to see my ex every weeken but now that my time is my own, I can make new friends.

Yay for me :)

Unexpected homesickness.

When I moved to London in July, I had been counting the days, hours and minutes for months (if not years) because getting away from there was my ultimate dream. I finally did it: I moved here, set up home, managed on my own despite threatening neighbours, living in a dodgy area, having all my furniture go missing and being skint. It has been absolutely everything I thought it would and more and I am so glad I did it. I love my pokey, slightly rough-round-the-edges flat and I love the independence I finally have.

Yet, I am still feeling homesick. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to go home on a permanent basis by any stretch of the imagination but I am having serious Devon cravings and I miss my family and friends so much it actually hurts to think about. I need a pasty, a walk to the beach and a chat with my Grandma; I need a flipping good night out with my girls and a catch up in the pub; I miss my guinea pigs and more than anything, I miss the people. It really has been a don't-realise-what-you've-got-til-it's-gone moment with them: I spent so much time focussing on what a shithole Plymouth is (and it is, I'm not denying that) that I forgot that actually, especially in the last couple of years, I had been very happy there and it was entirely down to the people. My friends picked me up when I was down, my family stood by me even when things got very tough between us all and now I really miss their companionship.

I guess I am, actually, getting a bit lonely here. I haven't seen anyone other than work people or my boyfriend for weeks because I've been so skint and it is, unfortunately, the one downside to living alone. I must rectify that this week, I must get out of the house.

I've booked my train tickets back home for half term at least, but it still seems like an age away despite how quickly the last three weeks have flown by.

Just down the road, the exact spot I intend to stuff my face with pasty.

It'll come round soon, though. And bring on the pasty ♥

Summer bucket list

So I'm taking part in Mama's losing it and her weekly writing prompts again! This one was a nice challenge (50 is a lot) which has taken me nearly three days to write but it gives me focus for the 8 weeks I have free this summer.

50 things you want to do this summer

1. Have a bloody amazing 'last night' with the girls; 
2. Decorate my classroom ready for September; 
3. Sort out my flat to make it into a home; 
4. Learn my way around where I live and find how to get to everywhere I need to; 
5. Buy a bike! 
6. Meet up with S one evening; 
7. Maybe meet up with L? 
8. Catch up with NJ whilst she still lives in London; 
9. Go to the cute tea shop Stefany at Influence recommended; 
10. Go to Greenwich market; 
11. Go to Brick Lane market; 
12. Go to Camden market; 
13. Go to the pizza place in Covent Garden that has unusual toppings; 
14. Visit the Tate gallery; 
15. Go on a day-trip to the seaside; 
16. Visit Fortnum and Mason to their bizarre food hall; 
17. Have a night out in London! 
18. Read at least two classic novels; 
19. Read at least five other books; 
20. Start making my Christmas presents; 
21. Shop for a graduation outfit at Bluewater shopping centre; 
22. Meet/see a celebrity! For no reason other than I'd like the anecdote; 
23. Use a nightbus in London; 
24. Make a pizza from scratch; 
25. Sing at a kareoke night (to tick it off my general bucket list); 
26. Take up kick boxing again; 
27. Have my hair re-styled; 
28. Get a tan! Natural or fake, not fussy; 
29. Have a champagne cocktail; 
30. See a stand-up comedy show; 
31. Learn how to make different flavoured bread; 
32. See a west-end show; 
33. Try my Mum's family recipe for sticky toffee pudding; 
34. Take up running and try to maintain my fitness level; 
35. Make home-made lemonade; 
36. Meet at least one of my new neighbours (just because the rural girl in me doesn't want to totally fade); 
37. Go for a walk along the Thames from my house; 
38. Go on a bike ride along the Thames from my house; 
39. Bake and decorate a cake; 
40. Buy myself some nice new smart clothes for my first day as a teacher; 
41. Go to visit my Nan for the day; 
42. Go to visit my Dad for the day; 
43. Go on a week-long detox (next week); 
44. Actually unpack everything! I don't want any boxes lying around by September; 
45. Have a picnic on the southbank; 
46. Do not get involved with any men. At all; 
47. Try sushi; 
48. Have my first skype date in two years; 
49. Make some new friends! 
50. Get into a routine of keeping in touch with my current friends and family. I don't want to be forgotten... ♥

Life would be easier if emotions were objective.

I don't think emotions are particularly clear-cut. When do you go from being unhappy to depressed; from happy to content; from jealous to angry/happy? And in those situations where you can't put a title to what you are feeling, does it matter? Surely it is just a word, which is inherently objective, and that can never fully explain anything so subjective as a feeling. Besides, us humans are so complex, how can one single elicitation ever do that justice?

The reason I'm asking these questions, which lets be honest, are a bit crazy and rambling, is because of a situation I find myself in today.

A couple of weeks ago, I posted briefly about a very messy night out with friends from uni. What happened on this night was that my friend pointed out a guy on our course and said she thought he was 'hot'. Now, this friend has a boyfriend of seven years. However, they are not very happy together and for this reason she has been making such proclamations about almost any guy who walks past, so I thought nothing more of it. Besides, this was the first time she had mentioned this guy, let alone commented that she thought he was hot, and what could she do about it anyway? Spend all evening making him think she would have the guts to cheat on her boyfriend with him before bottling it (and rightly so) and going home?

She does that a lot, but whilst this is never a good thing, it is even less of a good thing when it is with someone we know. So I told her to stop drooling and we changed the subject.

Later on, however, I ended up chatting to this guy about uni, our future jobs etc and then we hit the dance floor. He made a move on me which, I'll be honest, I reciprocated. My friend then kicked off, ignoring me for the rest of the evening except to call me every name under the sun and to accuse me of always needing to be the centre of attention (which hurt). She went home and I stayed out with said guy and a few other friends from uni.

I managed to smooth things over the next day with my friend, although I didn't apologise. After all, what did I have to be sorry for? But, to her credit, I think she realised this and she seemingly backed off. Yet every time I click onto my facebook and he has posted a status update, there is always a flirty reply from her or the two of them are making plans to meet up. And this gives me little pangs in my chest, which I assumed were guilt (given that I have since started sleeping with him in the purely casual arrangement I've mentioned in passing) but actually, seeing someone else flirting with him may actually be giving me little pangs of jealousy.

You see, when I last went over to his house, after fooling around for a few hours, his brother came home unexpectedly. We therefore had to dress rather quickly and we then spent another few hours just lying there talking. We get on really well like that, we always have done, so I just assumed that was the friendship side of things. But after an hour of chatting I realised we were actually cuddling. I didn't realise at the time, it just seemed natural and comfy, and even when I did notice, other than having a brief panic and working out an excuse to go home early, we stayed sat like that.

It was nice. Really nice, and I've almost been craving to be back there since then. So with that in mind, it perhaps seems likely that I have felt jealous when I've seen someone else flirt with him. The fact that she is one of my best friends is perhaps irrelevant, and actually, I have gotten far too involved. It's not guilt over sleeping with a guy she likes in secret, it's actual jealousy over the realisation that he isn't just interested in me.

I think I've mentally crossed the casual boundary. I think I need to get out.

Damn. Typical...

If social media died tomorrow...

Today I'm writing a link up with Mama's Losing It and taking inspiration from one of her writing prompts. I've been a follower of hers for a while now but this is the first time I've written for her link-up so if you have found your way here from her site, welcome and I hope you enjoy.

If Social Media died tomorrow, describe another hobby you might get into.

If social media died tomorrow, I don't think I would be the only person who would be absolutely gutted. Facebook, in particular, has been such a prominent feature in most people's lives for so long that I doubt many of us could live without it, arrange to meet our friends or keep up with each other's lives without it. I think it would have seen off a lot of my friendships when school friends went to university and now, as I leave university, would mean I would lose contact with even more people. I won't get into the debate as to how many of my facebook friends I would actually miss if that happened, because I think we all acknowledge having 'friends' on facebook is well over-used, but I think facebook has meant I have been able to keep in contact with more friends than I could have other wise. And as such, going back to the prompt, if social media collapsed tomorrow and I had no facebook, twitter or blogger to update, I would be very bored!

Of all my current hobbies, which have admittedly been side-lined recently due to final-year degree study, I think my crafts, sewing, baking and reading would be the ones I would instantly pick up again. Reading in particular would, at the moment, be the way I passed evenings when there was nothing on telly, but my obsessions change on an almost weekly basis. For example, last week I spent four evenings baking and trying new recipes, yet this week I've eaten beans on toast and pasta sauce from a jar. So maybe with more time to spend on these hobbies I would find myself developing more of a passion, rather than almost-fleeting interests which seem to run on a cyclical basis, but who knows. I may also spend more time keeping fit and hitting the gym/swimming/trying new sports and activities, but I think I do this to the best of my ability and time restraints at it is.

However, I think it is worth considering how much more free time would it actually give me? If we couldn't catch up with a friend via exchanges on the internet, would it mean we all went out to socialise more? Would it mean we would spend more time on the phone chatting to friends? I spoke to a friend following this train of thought as recently she disconnected herself from facebook for six months and she agreed. She said that she found she had more time to go out and see her friends and then, the time she then spent with them brought them much closer together because they had much more to talk about and could go into much more detail about their lives. But she also said that due to everyone else still using facebook, she began to feel distant so felt the need to re-register. So whilst at first, being without social networking would surely enhance some of the long-lost ways to communicate, it does rather limit the social circle you can keep.

And anyway, I think if social media collapsed, I'd have to use some of my free time to get a second job. After all, the supplies for my crafting, the gym membership, the phone bills and the cost of going out to meet friends would soon add up and being skint right now would limit how well I could keep up with friends. And maybe that's where social networking wins because, right now, I'm skint but I still sit in my living room and chat to my friends regardless of where they live and whether we can afford to go out for a coffee. And I imagine as my life changes over the coming months, being able to keep in touch with my friends back in Plymouth at the simple click of a button will become even more important for me.

So lets hope that social media never dies because I've made far too many amazing friends over the last few years to lose contact with them all completely. But maybe I will switch off the laptop tonight to knit or read the evening away, as maybe I need more of a healthy balance rather than having an existence which is either/or social media or other hobbies.

Every girl needs a GBF.

(GBF = Gay Best Friend, if you didn't know)

I personally do not have a gay best friend and even my girlfriends/mother/step-mother refuse to come shopping with me because I'm so damn fussy. I guess you could say I'm a girl who knows what she wants, and if what I try on looks great but isn't what I had in mind, I'll still put it back so for this reason, I drive most people insane. This means I generally go shopping on my own, which usually suits me but when you need that second opinion, it does make shopping a bit of a drag.

This is why I like Sunday mornings and shopping afterwards, because on E4 every Sunday they show two or three repeats of various shows with Gok Wan who, lets face it, is like the fairy godmother GBF we would all love to take us shopping. And in watching his programme and seeing how he gets women who have much bigger body hang ups than I do to love their bodies purely through the way they dress, it gives me the ideas and inspiration to go shopping. I always seem to dress much better on those days too, and on more than one occasion have grabbed and filled a charity bag simply trying to get dressed purely because of Auntie Gok in the background!

If only he could be there preaching the body-image message from my little tellybox every morning. This is why I need a GBF. Or even a normal friend who doesn't want to kill me within a few shops. I need someone to reassure me when I step out of my comfort zone that it looks fab or to tell me it was a bad idea, and I need someone to point out things which I would never dare to try but would actually look great. Applications on a post card please.

Did I mention that the bus route which runs outside my flat in London goes straight to Bluewater shopping centre? As if I needed more of a reason to want to hit the shops, GBF or no GBF...

Bonfires and den-making.

When I move away, it never occurred to me that I would miss this lot, but I really will. You see, I've been a Rainbow and Brownie guider for the last three years and as much as the Rainbows are very excitable and the Brownies can be rude and loud, they are so much fun. Even despite the fact I was in a dreadful mood today, a few hours with them running around a forest making dens and cooking sausages around a campfire and I had the biggest smile on my face. They can be little monsters, and I'm sure if you quoted me on this at 4am when we're having a 'sleep'over that I would retract this, but mostly they are all lovely. The Rainbows in particular I'm attached to, they are so little and sweet, evidence if you needed anything that little girls really are made of sugar and spice and all things nice. We took them to the Build A Bear factory yesterday which was great fun too, so all in all, it's been a happy smiley week thanks to them. I really, really will miss them.

Although I wish I had taken a picture to show you of the new Rainbow bear, Jelly Bean. She really is... something else. Unique, I think you could say...

Anyway, I was very pleased to log on today and find I've been awarded my first blog award from Missy, who's blog you can (and should) check out here. I'm very excited, and even more so to receive the award from the blogger who's new posts I look forward to the most.

So in line with the rules, here are my seven random facts about myself:

1) I've never seen Mary Poppins, the Wizard of Oz or the Sound of Music, which I am led to believe is quite weird.

2) When I was four-years-old, my Mum mixed some medicine into a strawberry milkshake to make me take it and it made me sick. Even to this day, the smell of strawberry milkshake/ice cream alone will make me physically sick, I have such a strong aversion.

3) When I was 16, I had absolutely no friends and turned to the internet for solace. Since then, I've had the most amazing set of online friends with whom I would trust my life, despite having only met them once/twice.

4) I bought my own set of board markers for school because schools never provide you with purple ones.

5) I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of what might be there that I can't see. My imagination is far too overactive sometimes...

6) If I ever want to smile, the surefire way is to put on some good, 90s children's programmes and suddenly, with a cup of tea and a biscuit in my hand, I feel as innocent and free as I did when I watched them the first time.

7) If reincarnation is true, I want to be a cat in my next life. They have the most amazing lifestyle, they rule their own lives, do what they want when they want and can sleep through pretty much anything. Sounds perfect. (Or should I say purrfect... oh I know, I couldn't miss that opportunity, could I?!)

And now to pass on the award seven times over:

Sy's Prints

A Day in My Wheels

Eat Your Veggies

In This Box of Goodies

Together for the Better

Smallgirl Towers

Introducing: Me

Now, I must stop procrastinating and I must get on with my essay. I had such a productive day today, unfortunately being in a bad mood is better for my productivity, so lets see if tomorrow can be both a happy and beneficial day. One more essay to go, 8 days left and then university is done forever!

Last night.

I had such an amazing night last night, we all had so much fun and it wasn't messy, just a really good laugh. It was a late one for two of us though, I got in at 6am (by which time it was already daylight!) and L didn't get home until 7 after going for breakfast with some randomers and then falling asleep in the bath. She was definitely the most drunk, I had pretty much sobered up by about 3am as I couldn't afford to drink out so was being fairly sensible, and two of the others went home earlier because they were so drunk they could barely stand. But despite all that, there was no messiness, no-one did anything they shouldn't, no-one was sick and everyone got home safely. An ideal night, all in all!

Plus, I met a veeeeeeery cute guy when I was out and spent most of the latter part of the evening chatting to and dancing with him. I usually don't get that much interest when I'm out, but L dragged me over to these guys and told them all that I was beautiful and that they should therefore all love me! She also told everyone else she spoke to that they were beautiful, no wonder she had crowds of people with her all night, but still she is so going to be my wing-woman any other time I'm out and feeling in that sort of mood. He's a seems to be a lovely guy too, we were chatting and dancing and then got a taxi back together which he insisted on paying for because it was on his way home anyway! So yeah, he seems really lovely, it definitely wasn't a 'slutty pull' or anything (as my friend calls them), had a cheeky kiss but that's about it.

I suppose it's also nice to know that after 7 years of being in a relationship that someone else would actually look at me and that I maybe won't be alone forever. I know I'm not concerned about that right now, but when I'm ready, at least I have some potential. Reassuring...

Self-esteem.

For an assignment I've been looking at Maslow's heirarchy of needs. This is it if you are not familiar with it, and it's based on the assumption that we need the things at the bottom of the pyramid before we can have the things above it and so on.

It got me thinking particularly about the self-esteem element and what that actually relies on. I'd consider myself right now to have pretty high self-esteem, it's certainly higher than it's ever been before yet a lot of that is being driven by the uncertainty surrounding lots of the things lower down in the pyramid. For example, I've talked already about how my family and friends may or may not feature in my life in the future and yet I feel that part of my confidence and self-esteem comes from the knowledge that despite that, it will be OK and it's purely a means of opening new doors to new people and experiences. I think not having security can sometimes be really exciting and invigorating, and although security of body and health is something we do need, if other things change that should be a good thing and we should embrace it.

I also disagree with his order - do you need friendship, family and sexual intimacy before you can have confidence and self-esteem or does self-esteem bring those things? I actually think I feel more confident now that I've become strong enough to do things purely for my own benefit, rather than doing it for other people. Like my hair for example, I was growing it because I knew both my exes preferred me with longer hair, and now I've had it cut I feel good just knowing that I like it. I know that's a superficial example but I'm not seeking anyone else to tell me it does/does not look good, and I feel more confident for that which is surely a better state of self-esteem to one which balances on top of other people and relationships?

I also think being self-confident without needing other people will make me a better judge of partner in the future, rather than falling in with the safest guy which is exactly what my most recent ex was. So surely having self-esteem first will make for more successful and beneficial friendships and relationships, rather than it being the other way around? And to take it a bit further, if I had to live my life with just one or the other, I know what would make for happiness more than the other and I'm afraid my opinion there goes against Maslow.

Also, I do disagree with the inclusion of sex at the bottom of the pyramid... seeeeriously? Do I actually need sex? I don't even think that is true on a phsyiological level, I know we are basically designed for it, but it's at best a preferable thing, surely? Because if I do 'need' it then I have issues, not only because I'm not getting any, but also because I have absolutely no desire to change that right now which by Maslow's logic makes me some sort of freak. Though I have to admit, the novelty of being single is beginning to slightly wear off and I would appreciate a bit of intimacy right now (I know, I've been watching too much of the Royal Wedding coverage, I'm becoming a soppy romantic) but sex is never something I've put much focus on in terms of what I want or need in a relationship. Maybe that's because I don't know what I've been missing? Many of my girlfriends tell me this, but it just seems an irrelevant point in terms of whether I will be content in my life or not. But who knows, maybe I'll read this back one day and laugh, and maybe I'll look back and wonder how I ever considered myself a confident person without that experience behind me. Maybe Maslow knows more about good sex than I do...

A slightly depressing thought to end on there!

Mistakes.

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." Anon.

Mistakes other people make that I've learnt from:

Shame pic courtesy of flickr (it's hyperlinked)

• Don't get stuck in a dead-end job and whinge about how dead-end it is. You're stuck in it because you can't be bothered to aspire to anything else. I thank my Mum for this one. 
• Wait for your knight in shining armour, never settle for the guy in a tin foil hat. My Mum, again. 
• Always read the bottle. My ex boyfriend learnt that... aftersun with 'tan enhancer' = orange fake tan. 
• Always double check you have your keys before making a long journey home. Insert multiple references here. 
• Don't spend money you don't have in the knowledge that 'oh it'll be paid off on pay day'. 
• Always have insurance. This and the previous point are courtesy of my customers at work. 
• Never refrain from breaking bad news to someone thinking that it will keep them from getting hurt. It won't, it will be worse in the end. I owe a friend this one. 
• Don't assume you have all the time in the world. If you want to do it today, then do it. Life is sometimes brutally and unexpectedly short. A school peer taught me this. Rest in peace dickhead. 
• Watch what you say, what you think is acceptable might be offensive to someone else. This is from a career-ending mistake a friend made. 
• And watch what you say on facebook. This one gets a lot of people in trouble.
• Always back up your dissertation. Poor Tom...

Thank you family and friends, I make enough of my own mistakes and without you all advising me based on your own errors I would make a lot more. I shudder to think the embarrassment you have saved me, you poor naive and daft lot. Love you all!

Does anyone else have any mistakes other people made that you in turn have learnt from?

The need to be witty.

Over the weekend, I joined a blogging forum, 20sb. This now means I have one whole follower and had more views in the last few hours than I have done since I migrated my blog! I now feel the pressure to post witty, interesting posts as opposed to the usual grumbles and observations. Now, wit is not my strong point. I do consider myself to be quite funny to chat to but I usually resort to sarcasm which, as my Mother tells me at least twice a week is, "the lowest form of wit". And as for my work? I work with 5 year olds, so any wit only extends to my performance with hand puppets! So maybe wit isn't my strong point, maybe I should just continue how I have been and see how my writing style pans out. This is, afterall, the first time I've written for an audience; I'm sure my writing will fill a genre at some point.

Anyway, the one thing which has been bugging me since I wrote my last post is the notion of friendship. Friends are funny little beans, and I find they always surprise you. The ones you think will be there for ever rarely are, and those you consider casual aquaintainces often become some of the best.

My best friend is someone I've known since my first day at my new primary school and despite boyfriends, having different friends, going to different schools and living in different cities, we've always been friends. We don't need to see each other very often, or even speak on the phone or via text, but whenever we're together it's like we live next door. I love her to bits and she is the one friend I can rely on (as long as I'm a bridesmaid next year, otherwise she's off the Christmas card list, hehe). This blog isn't about her though, she will be there; she will always be there and I know that. She's the exception that proves the rule.

My friends I have left from school are a varied bunch, and I was glad when they graduated a year ahead of me that they all came back and we carried on as if we were still at sixth form! However, after this weekend I'm feeling less sure of them, and even one of them with whom I think I am closest, I doubt I'll see again once I move. They are all moving in together in September, which is great for them, but I suspect I'll be an outsider within weeks and forgotten by the New Year. I love them now, but how long they will remain in my life I have to wonder.

As for my uni friends, who knows. One of them is a dear friend, but again, once I move, how much we will see one another I have to debate. Another, even though she is moving to London too, again I fear will filter out of my life. It's sad - I've spent every day with these girls, stressed about placements, cried over dissertations and been to so many student nights in Oceana I couldn't even count, but will it stand the test of time and distance?

Now I know that they aren't the only friends I'll ever make, as they fall out of my life new ones will fall in when I move and that's really exciting too. But I just have this horrible feeling that I'll be everyone's best friend when they want to come to London to shop or see a West End show, but that they will be more excited about where they are going rather than who they are going to stay with! They mean a lot to me, and I hope that the effort will be equal between us; me going to see them as much as they come to see me; them ringing me as much as I ring them and us always being interested in each others lives. I don't want to lose any of them, they're all wonderful in their own little way and we have some amazing fun together, and then there are those I know I can turn to when I need a cheer-up hug - I have a lovely balance right now and I'll miss that if I lose it.

Girls, please don't give me a reason to miss you.
x

For lent I gave up alcohol.

I gave up drinking after a night out, stating "I'll never drink again" as we all do when festering in a hangover. And whilst it wasn't this one night alone that put me off drinking (although it did involve a lot of cringe-worthy conversations, being followed by some strange and scary men before throwing up and waking up the next morning in my ex's bed), it definitely played a part and that evening, I got to thinking.

Firstly, I pride myself on being a confident person, I haven't always been but right now I think I am - yet why do I need to have had a few drinks to take to the dance floor and to talk to random people? Why do I always rely on alcohol to give me the strength to do that? This was strike one, as this epitomises everything I don't want to become - I want to be in control, be logical and stop making the stupid decisions that have driven my life so far, and lets face it, alcohol was never going to help this.

Secondly, having been out far too much in the month preceding that night (in aid of 'rocking the single boat', as my friend put it) I realised how much it was not only dictating my actions during those nights, but it was dictating my social life. If we weren't going out drinking, we weren't going out. If we weren't meeting to drink, we weren't seeing one another. And I decided that was really sad, so I decided to take alcohol out of the equation all together. Since that evening, with the exception of a glass of champagne on my birthday, I've not touched alcohol.

So do I feel better for it? Absolutely! My skin is clearer, my bank balance is clearer (or would be if I weren't simply buying more things with that money), I've reached a steady weight again: all the signs are good. Has my social life improved or diversified? No. It turns out that drinking really did influence my social life, and this was evermore highlighted by the reaction of my friends.

This Saturday for example, I had an invite to a night out. I said yes but said I wouldn't be drinking so would give everyone a lift to save money (figuring no-one would try to persuade me to drink if they knew it meant no lift home!) and I was told they would text me if the night out was going ahead. I had no such text, so instead settled down in bed with a cup of tea and a few DVD boxsets. I fell asleep half way through a DVD and was woken up at about 4am when it finished with my laptop still glaring at me. In true facebook-adict style, I quickly refreshed the screen only to find a load of pictures uploaded by one of my friends of their night out.

Bitches. Maybe I should have text them to confirm, but they did say they would let me know and then obviously chose not to, or worse, forgot about me completely. So yeah, bitches.

So do I ever intend to start drinking again? No way, it's been such a revealing few weeks - although my social life has definitely declined, those friends I have left are the ones I can actually get along with whilst sober, and surely that's what you want/need from a friend? I can still go out and have a good time, but have more money, look better, feel better and don't have to write off the-day-after-the-night-before to a hangover.

It is a shame though, I didn't think my friends were like that...