Today, I had a good day!

I only ever seem to blog to moan these days. I no longer blog about my life or the things I see for two simple reasons: 1) My life is boring and 2) my life is monotonous.

But today, I had a good day. I felt like today was the culmination of the last year of my life and for the first time, I didn't cock up an opportunity to prove myself - I really did prove myself to be everything I thought I possibly had the potential to maybe be one day. And, before you read on and think that I'm chatting rubbish, if you are not a teacher, this achievement will probably mean nothing to you. It is pretty awesome though.

So hell-to-the-yeah, I finally got an 'outstanding' grading in a lesson observation! I didn't fall to pieces when being observed, I didn't do random stupid things that I have never ever done before but seem to save just for when I'm being watched, I did everything exactly as planned. "Faultless", apparently.


I finally proved I could do it! I knew I could, even when I was told on my final teaching placement during my degree that I should probably find another career path because I was useless at teaching, I knew that being in it for the right reasons, having a clear idea of the sort of teacher I wanted to be and putting in (a lot!) of hard work would pay off. I knew I could be that teacher, I bloody-well knew it and right now I am so, so happy. I know that this isn't it, that I have lots to do because that is only in two subjects, but still, it proves I can do it and I am amazingly happy about it.

So, a non-moaning blog post! Proud or what? :D

Memories.

Sorry I haven't blogged much recently, it's been a busy month. A hard month too, actually.

I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)

I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.

As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:

1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)

2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.

3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I have achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.

4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.

5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.

No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.

On that note...

Haircut time again.

Hair cut time. Every 8-10 weeks it comes around, and each time I still hate my hairstyle and decide I want a change. Since the age of 16, I don't think I've had the same haircut for more than 3 months before changing it/growing it out/cutting it short and even when I do find a hairstyle I like, I soon get bored of it and go hunting for something else to try. I have never been able to understand those people who have had the same hairstyle for years, even when it suits them really well, how do they not get bored of it? Maybe I just haven't found a style I like that much yet, or maybe it is symptomatic of my indecisiveness.

So, tomorrow, true to form, I'm going to have my hair cut, want a new hairstyle and inevitably and will end up looking a) the same or b) horrible. I'm going to indulge my current serious girl-crush, Katy Perry, and go for this:

Seriously, I have a massive girl-crush on her. She's so beautiful, she brings out a seriously jealous streak in me. That is, until she opens her mouth and reveals the most irritating voice. Anyway, getting side-tracked... Hair.

Now, I do realise that none of you know what I look like as I don't post personal photos, so couldn't tell me whether it will suit me or not, but I love the choppy layers and the side-fringe. It's so different to the normal smooth, plain and boring hairstyle I go for so I'm hoping it will appease my constant desire for a new hairstyle. Or at least do so for the next six months...

It's part of my plan to sort my life out and to make some changes, which I'm kick-starting next week. I will get a life, I will not sit and wallow in boredom...

An epiphany.

I have been struggling at work recently because, with each day, I realise my vision is different to that of the school. I had decided to keep my head down and try, where possible, to do things my way but this wasn't working out too well and I have been feeling un-motivated, disengaged and generally crap and grumpy at school.

Yesterday, we had a welcome day off from the classroom routine and we went to an NQT conference. It was absolutely fantastic: each session was truly inspirational and they even had one of these airy-fairy-life-coach-type people running a seminar who was not actually airy-fairy and gave us all the boost that we needed, if only because we realised that we are not alone in many respects. (Although it has to be said, our group do seem to be suffering more than others.)

I don't think this was his intention, but in making me re-focus on why I wanted to become a teacher and what I thought teaching would be like, he made me realise that I need to keep my own ideas, that it's ok to feel different about certain things than my school does and that the day I lose sight of my 'ideal' is the day I need to leave teaching.

He shared a quote with us:

"Beware your thoughts, for they become your words

Beware your words, for they become your actions

Beware your actions, for they become your habits

Beware your habits, for they become your character

Beware your character, for therein is your destiny."

This really resonated with me and made me feel better about not agreeing with the vision of my school because, actually, the day I do start to think the way they do, that is the day I become the teacher I don't want to be. If I can't be who I am at my school, then I will move on, but I will not give up trying.

And I made new friends yesterday! A small group of us went from the conference to the pub (actually, that should be plural...) and generally had a lovely evening.

So all in all, I'm feeling back to my normal positive self today. Bring on Monday!

Early mornings and exercise.

This morning, for the first time in six years, I got up early and went to the gym before starting my day. Now, I normally do go to the gym, so the only real deviation from the norm was that I got up early with no reason to other than my own desire to hit the gym, but it really has changed the whole dynamic of my day.

For a start, psychologically, when it got to 10am and I'd already been to the gym, showered, washed, dried and straightened my hair and I was sat in the library ready to start my essay, I felt productive and as a consequence, I was productive. I had also, before getting to the library, packed myself a lunch which I have to say was much more healthy than my usual haul, and I wonder if having been to the gym had something to do with my reaching for the cucumber, as opposed to the cheese.

Now, it's no secret that exercise helps to boost your mood, so it's no surprise that I felt a lot more cheerful, positive and confident this morning than I usually do after my normal sluggish start. Exercise has always been my way to control stress though, and it has given me confidence in myself over the years which I don't think I could have had otherwise. I don't really use it to control my weight so it doesn't give me confidence in that way (although given that I've been a gymbunny since I was 16 it would be impossible to say how I might look had I not been consistent in exercising), but it's just something about being in control of my own fitness, having aims and always pushing myself to beat my own previous best which gives me confidence. I think it might also have a lot to do with being fitter than most men, and I do like that; I like that I'm small but not pathetic, and I like that I can hold my own and shun all the stereotypes.

But now I'm worried, as having been so into my fitness for so long, I am now concerned that when I move and can't afford the gym for a while (and even when I can, will I have the time/energy) that all of these benefits will disappear, and I'm scared of the chubby, stressed, pathetic-feeling girl who might be left behind. I just wish I liked running or had any motivation for it, then there wouldn't be a problem.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could stay fit without forking out for a gym membership? If you do, please let me know, I really am a bit worried for my health.