Another Christmas rant.

Warning: this is another rant. Sorry for so many, but I need the outlet again...

I have realised why I hate Christmas Day.

Christmas isn't about the presents; it's about spending time with your family and people you love. It's about those silly memories everyone has of their grandad falling asleep, of someone getting drunk, of someone dropping the alight Christmas pudding and all that whilst surrounded by people you love.

That's why I hate Christmas Day. No-one really wants me to be there.

Because my mum's boyfriend is the biggest dickhead to ever grace this earth, if I go to my mum's, he refuses to go and she gets pissed off. If I don't go, she misses me and, again, gets pissed off with me. My dad invites me out of pity because of the aforementioned situation. My grandma is roped into Christmas with the other side of the family, and my Nan is with my auntie in Kent. My boyfriend wants me to go one minute and then doesn't the next minute and was probably only inviting me out of pity in the first place, which is hardly making me feel wanted, and as a general sweeping statement, the whole situation is making me feel like absolute crap.

No-one really wants me there for Christmas. My decision lies between where I go, knowing that no one really gives a shit, knowing that whatever I do my mum will be pissed off, and knowing that as a consequence, I will have a shit day anyway.

I cannot think about it without wanting to burst into tears.

I am starting to realise more about why I hate Christmas...

6 weeks today and the crap will be over for another year, thank goodness.

A funeral.

My Grandad died, rather suddenly, on Wednesday. Obviously, it has been a horrible time, but today was the worst. He's Jewish, and so I had my first experience of a Jewish funeral.

And seriously, I don't mean to offend anyone who is Jewish, but I hated it. Funerals in general are obviously horrible, but I hated these traditions even more. I hate the fact that they are all about misery and sorrow instead of celebration of their life, and all symbols of happiness (colour, flowers etc) are forbidden and I hate the fact that the people who go to the funeral bury the coffin. It was horrible, and so unlike my Grandad. My Grandad would have wanted a big party with everyone laughing, having a good time, singing and wearing silly hats, and instead we had to go for 45 minutes and wallow in self-pity. It was SO unlike him, he always loved to laugh and make others smile, and I hated it.

On the other hand, even though they only had 48 hours notice, best part of 100 people showed up. This does go against Jewish tradition, which states only close family should be present, but my Grandad would have wanted others there. They all had such lovely things to say about him, and it was wonderful to see how many lives he touched. He was a very busy man, involved in so many things, always helping others and it was such a tribute to see so many people there.

We then held a small wake, with only very close family, again against tradition, but my Grandad always loved a good buffet at a funeral. I think we did him proud, eating lovely food, not touching a drop of alcohol, and sharing lovely memories. We've all had a cheerful afternoon actually, after the funeral, sharing memories and playing silly games.

We even invented, what sounds like, a pretty sick game, but it is so typical of my family to turn sorrow into joy and laughter. We play 'snap' with the sympathy cards - we have over 60 and so are now getting many duplicate cards. The first person to spot a duplicate card when my Grandma opens a new one, points at it and yells "SNAP" and gets a point. It sounds quite inappropriate, but if he were here, my Grandad would be the first to join in. We always want to laugh in our family, and we're probably the only family in the world who could sit and laugh when opening sympathy cards. It really is what he would have wanted though, he was such a positive and vibrant person. There was never a dull minute with him around, and we will never lose that.

I miss you, you batty old git. I hope you liked my eulogy <3

The best gift ever.

Linking up with Mama Kat's writers workshop today, following the prompt: "The best gift ever!"

Why does my wrapping never look that neat?!

My first thought when I read the prompt was that I should, through the course of writing, come to the conclusion that the best gifts you get are the ones which are free, i.e. love, happiness etc. So I sat and soul searched, rummaged through photos of Christmases and birthdays past to find some inspiration but it turns out that, if I'm being honest, I'm a bit too materialistic to remember most of the "priceless" gifts that I feel like I should be sharing.

Of course I have priceless memories (my Dad dropping the flaming Christmas pudding on the carpet, my Grandad getting drunk and trying to reverse his classic car out of his garage at my birthday party, so many classic nights out with my amazing friends I couldn't recall them all), but I don't consider them gifts as such. Yes, they are the things which make a day memorable, but the presents are the cherry on the cake. Or, at least, they should be. This got me thinking about last Christmas and how the gifts I received really do stick in my mind, but probably for the wrong reasons.

My boyfriend, last year, bought me a whole array of presents, but each one was selected to correct one of my faults. By this I mean that I asked for a new watch so he bought me two, and wrote on the tag that the second one was for when I lose the first one. Charming. And basically, everything in the bag was either to replace things I had lost or broken in the last few months (complete with little gift tag reminding me that he had bought me new ones because I was too useless to have kept the last ones) or gifts I just didn't really get.  So why am I writing about this? Because these presents gave me the gift of knowledge - he didn't love me despite my faults, he liked pointing them out because he was one of those people I tend to attract who need to put other people down to make themselves feel better. I was then able to keep an eye out for more of this, more times when he made me feel shit and eventually things, not through lack of trying, finally came to an end. If only I had paid more attention to the sign, rather than putting up with more attempts to put me down, maybe I would have had a better year. But hindsight is a beautiful thing, and you can only learn from your experience.

The Christmas before that gave me the knowledge that actually, my family didn't know me. The presents they chose were so far away from what I would have chosen for myself that I realised it was no wonder they didn't choose things I would like because I had so badly distanced myself from them. I therefore made it my new years resolution to spend more time with my family. I did, and we're closer than ever, plus, I finally have a non-volatile relationship with my Mum.

So I guess, whilst probably not having approached this writing prompt in the way that was intended, without those presents I would be living a different, potentially worse life. They made me realise what needed to change and I hope now that those things have, this Christmas and my whole future will be better for it.

Or they taught me just to ask for money to buy my own presents in the sales. One of the two...

"The bloodbath"

A.K.A. My Graduation day.

3 things in one room I wanted to avoid - 1) my parent's constant arguing and my Mum's consequential tantrums and sulking; 2) my ex boyfriend who I still love and adore; 3) the fact that actually, I didn't do as well in my degree as I thought.

And yet, actually, none of them were as bad as I thought. For once, and I know this sounds selfish, but the day was actually all about me and my achievement and it really was lovely. So, what happened?

1) Parent's avoided each other, Mum didn't shout, the precise timetabling of photo opportunities etc worked beautifully. Everyone was actually proud, or at least, feigned pride.

2) Spent a lot of time with 'him' and managed not to cry. Spoke to 'his' family and generally enjoyed being around him. Have arranged meeting on Tuesday and gave him his birthday card for tomorrow. Lovely.

3) Spoke to a university tutor who submitted a mark 20 marks higher than what I actually got. The mistake is being ironed out and I will only be bloody graduating with FIRST CLASS HONOURS! So excited and over-whelmed I cried. A lot. Bawled like a baby, actually, and everyone was so proud of me it really was the absolute cherry on the cake.

As perfect as it possibly could have been. Bliss. <3

Did you know we can't throw our caps in the air now? Health and Safety, you could lose an eye...

How did I get here?

How did I go from being confident and independent to sitting in my car crying because my graduation day tomorrow has been pretty much ruined before it's even started? I was doing fine in my little bubble of ignorance back in London, I could keep myself busy so as not to let these thoughts get to me. But now I'm here, it's getting to me. Really, really getting to me.

My Grandparents won't come because they don't want to get in the middle of this crap. My Dad is affectionately referring to the day as "the bloodbath". My Mum is still sulking and can't even muster up some fake pride. My ex-boyfriend will be there and given how stupidly in love with him I still am, despite how much he hurt me, that will really be the cherry on top of the giant shit that will be tomorrow.

I literally feel the lowest I've felt in months, if not years. Tomorrow is the day every horrible thing in my life will be in the same room. For 2 hours, if not longer. And every time I think about it, I cry.

Bring on the next 24 hours. Let's get them over and done with as soon as possible so I can go back to pretending my life is OK, my family aren't messed up and I don't miss that horrible, amazing boy.

People are just plain rude.

Since when did we become a society which does not value manners? Or maybe the question should be, since when did being an adult mean that you don't need to bother with the basic manners your Nans, Grandmas and Mums spent years drilling into you as a little child? Or if they didn't drill them into you, why not?

Manners are such a pet hate of mine with children, or rather the lack of. When I'm teaching and doing my voluntary work at Rainbows and Brownies, I always insist the children say "please" when they want something and then "thank you" when they get it, and the Brownies in particular are dreadful at it and nearly always need prompting with, "what's the magic word?" However, most of them learnt that they have to be polite to me to get anything after I shouted at one girl (and bearing in mind this is one of only two times I've ever shouted at a child) after:

Child: "I need some sellotape"
Me: "That's not a question."
Child: "Can I have some sellotape?"
Me: "What's the magic word?"
Child: "Now."

Ok, so most children are not that cheeky, but so few of them use their basic manners without prompting, and as for them interrupting other people, their manners are pretty much non-existent, even by ages 8 or 9. And whilst that used to surprise me, it's come to my attention recently that there are so many grown-ups who don't uphold the same manners and respect, so it's no real wonder that the children of today aren't learning their basic "please" and "thank you".

I have been particularly wound up by my family regarding this. My brother has returned from university as such a pretentious, rude little git that he talks over me, demands things without so much as even one 'magic word' and doesn't bother with basic courtesy of letting us know where he is, before coming home late and making my Mum cook his dinner. My Mum isn't much better: twice today she's told me to do various things without a  "please", and yesterday I made a journey out to buy guinea pig food after she forgot, not to get a "thank you" for that either.

Manners really do cost nothing, and a lack of them does put you very far down in my esteem. However, perhaps this isn't a commonly-held ideal any more, maybe we're going the way of the French who always comment on our manners because they don't bother and maybe being polite and nice to each other is a dying art.

Is it just me who feels like this? I know I'm in a particularly bad mood at the moment, (my brother, for talking over me, got severely shouted at and had the remote lobbed at his smug face, which actually shut him up for the first time ever) so I'm aware I may be being more sensitive to these things, but it can't just be me who is wound up by this sort of thing, and it's something which has persistently bothered me with children.

So I'm going to have a 'manners' award for my class when I'm teaching next year, I'm going to break the back of this rude epidemic 30 children at a time and I'm going to reward politeness as if it's the greatest asset in the world. Which, I genuinely believe, it is.

I've been slacking again.

University work, travelling, school work and life have generally gotten in the way of my precious sitting-around-on-my-backside time recently which means I haven't had time to sit and blog. I miss sitting down and having a change to pour my little heart out, it feels all cooped up. Although I should say, this makes it sound like I have something to report and quite frankly I don't. Things on the relationship front are pretty static (well, going round in circles) and I'm splitting my time between study, friends and blind panic about the future.

Being in London and being at my school again on Monday was definitely the kick up the backside I needed; I'd forgotten how much I love that place until I was there again! I found out which year my class will be next year and saw my classroom so I am now getting very excited about having my little Reception class next year. Plus, I have a million ideas going round in my head and knowing that as soon as I plough through these stupid assignments, find a flat (and a bit more money) and move I can get started on it has given me the lift and the motivation I really needed. Plus, now my little brother is home from university, the relationship me and my Mum have is fast deteriorating as expected (I'll save the favouritism rant for another day, but I will say "brother's car insurance" and leave it at that) so that has provided more of an incentive, as if the excitement wasn't enough!

Rainbow fish! This is one of my many ideas, such a classic.

At least the money situation has eased slightly, now I've worked out every single tiny detail of the costs of moving, bills, rent, furniture etc I know I can definitely afford it all... even if it looks like I won't be going out very much in the summer due to being skint, the money is there and my life is, hopefully, going to sort itself out finally. If only the same could be said for my love life, but there's no surprise that's all up in the air again. My life seems to be a constant see-saw, with one end flying high and another end sat in the dirt...

Self-esteem.

For an assignment I've been looking at Maslow's heirarchy of needs. This is it if you are not familiar with it, and it's based on the assumption that we need the things at the bottom of the pyramid before we can have the things above it and so on.

It got me thinking particularly about the self-esteem element and what that actually relies on. I'd consider myself right now to have pretty high self-esteem, it's certainly higher than it's ever been before yet a lot of that is being driven by the uncertainty surrounding lots of the things lower down in the pyramid. For example, I've talked already about how my family and friends may or may not feature in my life in the future and yet I feel that part of my confidence and self-esteem comes from the knowledge that despite that, it will be OK and it's purely a means of opening new doors to new people and experiences. I think not having security can sometimes be really exciting and invigorating, and although security of body and health is something we do need, if other things change that should be a good thing and we should embrace it.

I also disagree with his order - do you need friendship, family and sexual intimacy before you can have confidence and self-esteem or does self-esteem bring those things? I actually think I feel more confident now that I've become strong enough to do things purely for my own benefit, rather than doing it for other people. Like my hair for example, I was growing it because I knew both my exes preferred me with longer hair, and now I've had it cut I feel good just knowing that I like it. I know that's a superficial example but I'm not seeking anyone else to tell me it does/does not look good, and I feel more confident for that which is surely a better state of self-esteem to one which balances on top of other people and relationships?

I also think being self-confident without needing other people will make me a better judge of partner in the future, rather than falling in with the safest guy which is exactly what my most recent ex was. So surely having self-esteem first will make for more successful and beneficial friendships and relationships, rather than it being the other way around? And to take it a bit further, if I had to live my life with just one or the other, I know what would make for happiness more than the other and I'm afraid my opinion there goes against Maslow.

Also, I do disagree with the inclusion of sex at the bottom of the pyramid... seeeeriously? Do I actually need sex? I don't even think that is true on a phsyiological level, I know we are basically designed for it, but it's at best a preferable thing, surely? Because if I do 'need' it then I have issues, not only because I'm not getting any, but also because I have absolutely no desire to change that right now which by Maslow's logic makes me some sort of freak. Though I have to admit, the novelty of being single is beginning to slightly wear off and I would appreciate a bit of intimacy right now (I know, I've been watching too much of the Royal Wedding coverage, I'm becoming a soppy romantic) but sex is never something I've put much focus on in terms of what I want or need in a relationship. Maybe that's because I don't know what I've been missing? Many of my girlfriends tell me this, but it just seems an irrelevant point in terms of whether I will be content in my life or not. But who knows, maybe I'll read this back one day and laugh, and maybe I'll look back and wonder how I ever considered myself a confident person without that experience behind me. Maybe Maslow knows more about good sex than I do...

A slightly depressing thought to end on there!

Today.

In most families, Easter Sunday, regardless of your religion, is a great excuse to get together with the family and even more so on a day like today when you can all gather outside around a barbeque. Yet in my family what happens? My Mum goes out with her boyfriend who refuses to come to our house now I live here (a long story which I shall save for another day), my brother went back to uni and my grandparents went up to visit my Dad for the weekend and meet my brother for a meal without thinking to invite me.

So I've had the day to myself, which is kind of nice because my Mum has otherwise been getting under my feet and I'm still tired with possible remnants of a hangover from Friday night. However, it still sucks that everyone else has nice family set ups whilst mine becomes increasingly dysfunctional and Jeremy Kyle-esque with each passing holiday. I know that's a bit of a sweeping statement and we all have different families, and I guess mine are OK in the grand scheme of things, I just don't quite fit in.

I do have to wonder if this will get better or worse when I move out in the summer. I mean, when my brother is at Uni he sees more of my Nan and Dad than he did before, and my Grandma and Grandad have been to stay with my Dad to see Brother twice in 9 months, which is more than I ever remember them going before. And whilst that's great, I suppose he has moved to a much more convenient location within an hour of my Dad and Nan and that won't be the case for me. But instead of being a long way away like down here where my Dad combines visits to me with visiting my grandparents, and my Nan coming to see my Mum and Uncle etc, I'll be out of the way in south east London. I get a horrible feeling that no-one will ever come to see me, and that, like this weekend, I won't even be invited to things I could have gone to. I never though that would be the case with my Grandma and Grandad in particular, my Grandma bless her soul worships the ground I walk on, but I just can't see them making the journey.

I suppose by leaving home that's one of the many things that changes. And of course I don't mind being the one to make the effort most of the time, but I would like my family to make at least some effort with me? I doubt my Mum will even come and visit, she barely bothered when I lived 6 miles away never mind 200, and I doubt my Dad will bother. I really hope they surprise me but it's not looking likely and without a car and very little time in my NQT year it will be hard for me to get to them all the time if they never come to me. It'll be the same with my friends I expect, and it'll be a shame to leave that part of my life behind but it doesn't work like that with family. I hope they come through for me.

Not that I'll let this dampen my excitement, I've spent all day (again!) trawling through catalogues, magazines and websites for pretty things for my flat and deciding where I'm going to go explore when I have the summer to spare in London... it's becoming my go-to activity to cheer myself up when I feel a bit shit. Now I'm going to hit the bath, chill out then hop into my freshly-changed bed, a nice end to a nice-enough day.

Hope you've all had a great bank holiday!

Mistakes.

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." Anon.

Mistakes other people make that I've learnt from:

Shame pic courtesy of flickr (it's hyperlinked)

• Don't get stuck in a dead-end job and whinge about how dead-end it is. You're stuck in it because you can't be bothered to aspire to anything else. I thank my Mum for this one. 
• Wait for your knight in shining armour, never settle for the guy in a tin foil hat. My Mum, again. 
• Always read the bottle. My ex boyfriend learnt that... aftersun with 'tan enhancer' = orange fake tan. 
• Always double check you have your keys before making a long journey home. Insert multiple references here. 
• Don't spend money you don't have in the knowledge that 'oh it'll be paid off on pay day'. 
• Always have insurance. This and the previous point are courtesy of my customers at work. 
• Never refrain from breaking bad news to someone thinking that it will keep them from getting hurt. It won't, it will be worse in the end. I owe a friend this one. 
• Don't assume you have all the time in the world. If you want to do it today, then do it. Life is sometimes brutally and unexpectedly short. A school peer taught me this. Rest in peace dickhead. 
• Watch what you say, what you think is acceptable might be offensive to someone else. This is from a career-ending mistake a friend made. 
• And watch what you say on facebook. This one gets a lot of people in trouble.
• Always back up your dissertation. Poor Tom...

Thank you family and friends, I make enough of my own mistakes and without you all advising me based on your own errors I would make a lot more. I shudder to think the embarrassment you have saved me, you poor naive and daft lot. Love you all!

Does anyone else have any mistakes other people made that you in turn have learnt from?

Ahh, sunshine, you are bliss.

I absolutely adore the sun, it's the one thing that can always guarantee a happy mood and that it will make everything look positively beautiful. I've been sat out nearly all day so far and it just makes you feel so much better in your own skin for having had a bit of sun on it! This lovely little heatwave is the perfect pick-me-up for this time of year, it's been a beautiful Easter holiday so far. Yesterday was such a nice day in particular: spent all day in the library working on my dissertation, then went and had my hair cut, then home for a barbeque with the grandparents and finally out with my girlies to the pub. I also firmly closed a door in my life and feel a million times better for it. Men, you are well and truly out of my life.

And why am I enjoying the sun as opposed to being in the library again with everyone else? Because I've fricking well done it! Just needs a read through and my reference list needs to be compiled and alphabetised, only bloody 3 weeks early... Proud or what :D Yesterday really was an amazing day, though when I got up I decided I was going to finish it and it was just the mind-set I needed.

Even my hair-cut went well despite my fear. I had a 'lob', which is basically a long bob and it looks really nice. Not sure it's helped me look any older, if anything probably done the opposite, but it's nice and manageable and much thinner now which is what I wanted. I was feeling much less nervous when I sat in the chair and I don't think I flinched or worried even once! Mostly because the two apprentices at the salon asked to watch as it was such a restyle from what I had before, so the hairdresser was talking them through it meaning I knew exactly what was going on behind me. So yeah, I didn't behave like a child and actually sat in the chair and sustained a normal conversation without freaking out. Another proud moment.

Anyway, I'm off outside to sit in the sun bliss again.

Why I love the sunshine
1) The smell of suncream is lovely
2) It reminds me of being 16 and skiving off GCSE revision to go to the beach every day
3) It's a valid excuse for laying around all day and not being productive
4) I love that sun-kissed look, it makes me feel more healthy
5) Topless men *drools*
6) Ice creams!
7) Driving around with the window open is such a nice feeling
8) Plymouth actually looks nice and not like a depressing shithole
9) Summer dresses, bikinis and flip-flops.
10) It means there's actually something to do and somewhere to go in this dump
11) No frizzy hair worries
12) Cider, particularly brother's strawberry cider.
13) The 3 B's: Barbeques,
14) Beaches and
15) Beer gardens!
16) Getting just that bit too close to being sunburnt (don't ask me why I like being that bit too red...)
17) Not having to wear a coat, even in the evenings.
18) Related to the last one, going out wearing a dress for a night out and not freezing to death.
19) Being bored of writing this because I want to get back outside... adios!

(Oh, and the best thing about sunshine at this time of year? No hayfever yet, woop!)

Dear Grampy.

When you died, I was 14 and I thought I knew you. But when the vicar said all those things about you at your funeral, I began to realise I didn't. Now I hear even more stories about you and I wish I'd gotten to know you properly - you sound like an absolute legend!

I remember you as a Grampy; I remember you taking me to your allotment in your wheelbarrow; I remember going to visit you in your signal box and watching the trains with our little packed lunches. I also remember you being ill, but I only saw you once at your worst and I choose to forget that. I realise now, even more than I did at the time, that being stuck in bed was even less like you!

I didn't know that after your triple by-pass that you did loads of clinical trials for the British Heart Foundation to try and help find better treatments. You put other people above your own health and that's an amazing thing. I still only ever donate clothes and stuff to the BHF because of you. And I know you were always there for other people, even if it caused trouble, you looked after your own and I hope you never regretted some of the decisions you made for that reason.

I knew you liked a drink, it was always a bit of a laughing point in our family when you went up the Western for a pint and came back down 5 hours later singing at the top of your voice. But I've heard more about you now, and you sound like you were the life and soul of the party. I expect the day you stopped going up there was the first of a lot more quiet nights in the bar. I would have liked to have had a drink with you; you'd like our family Christmas reunions we have now when we all get together and drink, eat and play games. I think we all know it would be just that bit more fun if you were there.

I didn't know you were a bit wild in your youth, and I can't imagine you being the sort of person my Nan's parents didn't want to marry their daughter, but you were! You were a bit of a rascal by all accounts, yet you still managed to raise an amazing family and live a great life. I think you are an inspiration because you never took life too seriously, you went out and had fun whenever you could and it seems you had that perfect work-life balance. You were never bored, never had nothing to do and never wasted a single minute of your life. Some may frown on the things you did at the time, but looking back, I think you had a point. Life is too short, you could have died at 59 and never quite made it to 70. By that reckoning, I'm nearly a third of my way through my life and I sometimes forget that you need to let your hair down to keep sane. I'm going to make sure I do that. Maybe not to the extent you did, but in my own little way. You'd be upset at how highly strung some of our family have become, it's no way to live life and I agree. I don't want to end up like that, I know I already am sometimes, but I'm trying to lighten up and make the most of life. I hope you'd be proud of me :)

I have definitely grown out of living at home.

I think my last post explains the issues I have with my Mother, and although her being off work has definitely made it worse, we don't get on very well at the best of time. But now my brother is home for the holiday I'm finding the house even more claustrophobic. He's turned into a pretentious little shit since he's been at university, he comes home and makes out like he's better than us and that his lifestyle is better than ours and it makes me feel so self conscious. He thinks he's better than me because he does "a real degree", because I just go and pretend, obviously, and because he is more educated than us. He doesn't actually know anything outside of his field of interest, he knows nothing about the real world. My Mum is as much to blame for that as his cockiness.

I have definitely grown out of living at home. I don't suppose it's that surprising, I'm 22 and after having lived on my own for over a year last year before splitting with my ex I think I've done well to last nearly a year before it has become almost unbearable. I don't think my current financial situation has helped either, I can't afford to go out so I'm stuck in the house most of the time so don't even have the temporary relief of a social life.

I'm actually going to nip upstairs now before my Mum gets off the phone and whinges at what I'm watching on  telly. I know what I watch is a load of rubbish but it's why I like it - I don't want to have to think too much when I watch telly, I like the mind-numbing nature of it. If I wanted to think I'd do a sudoku, read or do some knitting. It doesn't make me a bad person for wanting to watch television.

At least I have my room as a little sanctuary, though it's not quite the same. I just hate having to justify everything I do/don't do, every little thing I want to watch on TV, any music I want to listen to, how long and when I take a bath, what I wear, what I read, where I go, who I'm with... I have nothing which is my own and no time which is mine to do with what I like. I feel so trapped and suffocated here, I need to get out. It makes me feel better about the move in July though, I'll be financially pushed to afford the move at the start of the summer, but if this isn't reason to be skint & free versus slightly-less-skint & trapped then I don't know what is. I'd be happy with no furniture or money, but just to have my own space. My priorities are fast changing - get out of here as soon as possible! Never mind where, never mind with what money/furniture, just get out.

Moving out will definitely be the invigorating experience I know it could be, even if it does just mean I can snuggle into the sofa with my duvet and watch Eastenders in peace. Can't fricking wait :)

I am so fricking angry today.

I would quite happily scream at someone right now, and lets be honest, it'll probably be you, Mother.

Why have you pissed me off? Because you've been in the house all week off work with your bad back and I do have to wonder if you're playing it up a bit. For example, you could get down on your hands and knees to reach the tea bags from the back of the cupboard, but dragged me from the bathroom to put them back for you. You are also winding me up by being here all the time - everyone knows that daytime telly is rubbish, but I watch it every day because I like the background noise and I do not want you sat bitching about it and turning it off when your codeine will have you asleep in five minutes. Also, when I give you a lift to your physio appointment, some gratitude would be nice. What I do not want, is you complaining about the radio station I had on (and quietly at that) in the car, and you trying to direct me to somewhere I've been hundreds of times. When you directed me last time, you made me take an illegal right turn across a main road and my way was therefore better. So no, that was the correct turning because it's the last chance to turn right, and yes, funnily enough that IS the shop where we came out last time, but thanks for the confirmation. Now shut your face.

And also, don't you dare ask me to drive up in my car to help you move my brother back home from university in June. Yes I may be cheaper than a van, but YOU have refused to help ME move in July and I cannot afford the petrol or the time. I am expected to fund, out of my own pocket, van rental or multiple journeys up the M4, but my brother isn't? Exactly the type of favouritism that I moan about all the time. And for you to then make me feel guilty and useless about wanting to ask my Dad or Grandad to help me, seeing as you won't, is not on. So again, shut your face.

And, Mum, while we're on the subject of favouritism. No, I have not missed my brother enough that I have missed his inability to put dishes in the dishwasher, put empty pots/bags in the bin or tidy his shoes away. When I leave a pair of shoes out, I get told off, so no it is not "bless him" when he leaves them out, and even less "bless him" when I fall over them on my way to the lightswitch. So yes, I do have reason to be pissed off with him, and if it had been you with your "bad back", you'd be crippled so stop setting double standards and shut your face.

/rant.

I was determined this blog wouldn't be a bitching rant, but I needed to vent before I scream. I think I'm definitely ready to leave home now... only 79 days to go.

Deep breaths now.