New routines.

I have a desperate need to have a routine. When my boyfriend is here or I stay at his, I can cope out of my routine for three days absolute maximum before I start getting anxious so it's been great over the last couple of days to settle, finally, into a routine again. It's just mornings really, at night other than turning the lights off and snuggling with a cup of tea for half an hour before bed time, I tend to do whatever takes my fancy but in the mornings, if I'm not in my routine, I tend to spend lots of time fussing and faffing before getting nothing done. Then I get anxious.

And lie-ins stress me out anyway, they are such a waste of a day and this really bothers me during the holidays. Clearly I am weird for thinking this but give me an early night and an early morning any day.

So this morning I started over, set an alarm and despite it being the school holidays, got up as if it were a school day.

This is every weekday morning for the rest of the year:

6:30 - wake up
6:45 - wash, get dressed and straighten hair
7:00 - take vitamins with a glass of orange juice whilst the kettle boils to make a cup of tea. Prepare breakfast whilst tea is brewing. Eat breakfast, sit and chill with a cup of tea and some breakfast telly.
7:20 - clean teeth and (if bothering) put on makeup
7:35 - walk to school
7:45 - arrive at school

I then finally got home from school at 7pm. For the fourth day in a row, and the eighth day in total for the holidays.

Didn't someone once tell me teachers get 6 weeks holiday a year? Who are these mythical teachers and where can I get their job...

Anxiety issues.

I have suffered with an anxiety disorder since I was 16, and whilst I've always had it at the back of my mind, the coping strategies which I have developed over the last few years have meant that actually, it hasn't really bothered me.

Now, however, I have moved away from everything I know and love, am on my own with not very much stuff to show for it and suddenly I'm finding myself in the same position I was 6 years ago. I'm having short, intense breakdowns which take me about an hour to recover from, I'm having panic attacks and hyperventilating, and all of this because I have no routine any more. This has been the worst it has been in years and has been going on for about four days now, both before and after the move. Although, in defence of my crazy side, I haven't really done much to help myself.

For a start, I definitely should not have gone shopping in Morrisons, I should have driven to Tesco. They would have had all the things I know and am familiar with rather than forcing me to make decisions. For example, I know what type of cheese we have from Tesco: the Tesco own brand cheddar with the red headers. Do I know what strength that is? No. Do Morrisons use the same red headers? No. So did I know which cheese I like? No. They also didn't have the bread I like, the tinned fruit I like... and generally I found the whole experience very overwhelming and by the time I got to the refrigerated goods, I was feeling very light headed and getting worried glances from fellow shoppers at the depth of my breathing. It sounds stupid but I should have stuck to what I knew, especially at the moment.

I am, however, shopping aside, in a heightened state of anxiety which I expected, I've suffered this way every time I've moved/taken a new job in the past but I haven't been this bad since I was much younger. I'm starting to notice the obsessive behaviour coming back in (I have issues with the locks/bolts on my door and whether it's safe to open the blinds in my flat), the difficulty with sleeping is back because I can't use my coping mechanism of having the TV on and I'm finding the physical effects to be more severe before. For example, I have never ever gone off my food before, but I feel so sick even a piece of bread with jam on didn't go well.

I think I just need to keep busy, I'm fine until I stop. Must. Find. Something. To. Do...

On nights like tonight.

I'm scared of going to sleep.

This may sound a bit strange, and I really ought to clarify it isn't the actual sleep which I'm scared of, it's the process of getting to sleep. It's the lying in bed with the events of the day whirling around in your head, and yet you're not quite conscious enough to have control over how they develop - this is the stage that I'm scared of. I think this has been going on for about four years now, and for four years unless I'm sharing a bed with someone I've always kept my TV on so I can listen to it rather than my own thoughts and this is the only way I can get to sleep.

Now, I'm not sure if it has become a habit (because although it takes a while, I can sleep without the telly when someone is here) or why I still have these problems, but the thought of going to bed without my TV on makes me cry and I literally cannot bring myself to turn it off. It's one of the few anxious behaviours I still have left, and given that on a daily basis it doesn't really bother me, it's not a behaviour I feel desperate to get rid of. However, on nights like tonight when I feel like the whole world is pushing me down, I wish I could just go to sleep to forget it all but it won't be that simple and this is when it annoys me. Even thinking about sleep gives me butterflies, and every time I think about it to even write this, I feel my heart beat a little bit faster.

I just wish I could choose when I switched off, rather than having to watch TV until I can't keep my eyes open any more. I wish I could just lie in bed without going over every bad thing that's ever happened to me. And on nights like tonight, I wish I could forget everything that happened today.

You see, due to what's now going round my university about me (and seriously, I knew rumours were bullshit but until I became the subject of one I didn't realise quite how much rubbish they were) and despite the fact that today was our last lecture, I just cannot stop going over it in my head. It's making me not want to go out, and I even contemplated shunning my friends from uni in the attempt to get rid of the association for good, but I know that's ridiculous and definitely so given what is going on.

I already hated most of the people on my course anyway, I now can't wait to leave and be with grown ups and not have these stupid, petty little problems dominating my life because, let's be honest, this really isn't an important issue. It's just a shame it's one of those stupid things that gets into your head and makes you feel small and ridiculed.

I swear, getting involved in that boy was more hassle than the good times were worth...

(I realise this post is a bit cryptic and unless you know me, which none of you do, some of this will make no sense. I just can't bring myself to tell you what they are saying, it's embarrassing enough without spreading the joy...)