My annual letters to the past and future.

Dear 2012 and 2013.

Firstly, 2012, I am very glad that you have gone from my life. You took my confidence, my career, and most importantly, my Grandad, and you left me as a miserable, pathetic excuse for a person - the sort of person I thought I had left behind at sixth form. So, to cut a long story short: 2012, I hate you, you absolute bitch of a year. I never want to see or think about you again. Goodbye.

This means, 2013, me and you have some serious work to do. We are going to forget all of the upset and problems that last year brought and we are going to get back on track. So, here we go (and yes, I am one of those silly people who makes a million new years resolutions, but in my defence, I do usually keep them for at least a month. Some have even stuck for a whole year...):

1) I will stop sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself. Get up and do something, you lazy cow.
2) I will keep my mouth shut at work. Moaning and bitching will get me nowhere.
3) I will find something to do with my free time that makes me happy.
4) I will make friends... Even friend, singular, would be great. (Pathetic, I know)
5) I will make more of an effort to fix things that are wrong with my life, rather than moaning or crying about them.

Let's go, 2013, and fix this ridiculous mess of a life. Starting today and blasting through the next month, let's get the momentum going to make some real change. I cannot have another year like this one, I just can't...

Memories.

Sorry I haven't blogged much recently, it's been a busy month. A hard month too, actually.

I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)

I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.

As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:

1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)

2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.

3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I have achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.

4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.

5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.

No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.

On that note...

Teenage troubles.

When I was a lot younger, I pretty much ruined my own life. 

Repeatedly, I blamed other people and shut myself away. I stopped eating, stopped socialising, shut myself in the house and blamed other people for not liking me. Not that I ever gave them anything to like. I became convinced the world was against me and that there was no help for me. I convinced myself I was useless, ugly, not good enough at anything. I turned on myself, and let myself wallow in self-pity, indulging these stupid thoughts.

I found an old myspace profile today. One I made aged 17, when I had stopped eating, had no friends and spent all my time sat at the computer. I had online friends who made me feel somewhat valid, but that was it. I read my 'bio' and cried. I can't believe I ever let myself get in that state, and worse of all, I can't believe I'm still there. Not all the time, but sometimes, on days like today when I hate myself and feel all those things again and want to stand and scream at the whole world to just fuck off. 

I hate myself for hating myself. I thought I had come so far, and whilst the teenage angst has definitely died down, the underlying feelings are still there. The feelings that I'm not getting anywhere, that everyone else is better/doing better than me, the fact that I am, somehow, actually, not really welcome here.

At least at that age I was pretty. I didn't realise it at the time but looking back at the photos, I was actually beautiful.

I need to sort myself out again. I've really gone downhill since Christmas and it's been years since I've felt this bad.

I think I had too much spare time on holiday in which to think...

(I'm sorry this is so teenagey-pessimisticy-narcisismy, but I needed a rant. I know I've had a lot of rants recently, but this is the only place I can do it and I really, really do need to vent).

Dear 22.

Dear 22,

Well, tomorrow I say goodbye to you and I welcome 23 into my life. I wanted to write you this letter to say thank you for an amazing year, which to be honest is an understatement: you were the best year of my life. You brought me my dream job, my graduation, my freedom, my independence... you have given me change and opportunity, yet stability and introduced to me to so many new people, whilst helping me to keep in touch with the people who I love.

So, thank you. Thank you for the smiles, the laughs and the hysterical tears. Everything I've done this year has proven that I can do anything I put my mind to, and for the first time I'm proud of myself. Which sounds incredibly self-centred, but it's taken me a lot to get to this point.

I'm happy now. When I turned 22 I couldn't say that about my life, but now I absolutely can do so, 22, thank you so so SO much.

Now, 23, you have a lot to live up to! You had better brace yourself and step it up because the last year set the bar pretty high. You had better make the jump.

Lots of love,

Summer. x

"Happy Birthday to meeeeee..."

It's almost time to say goodbye.

Goodbye 2011, you've been a year of ups and downs. I think I will miss you, but that will depend on where 2012 takes me.

I'll give you credit where credit is due, the ups were definitely more numerous than the downs. In fact, this was the year my dreams came true and the year that I truly proved myself. You gave me the opportunity to move to London, the one place I have always wanted to live; I got my dream job at a school which is more perfect for me than even I realised when I started; You are letting me live the dream, on my own, and you have helped me to find out who I am and what I want from life.

I knew that this year would be my year. You didn't disappoint. Thank you for letting me be selfish and finally get to where I wanted to be without anyone or anything to hold me back.

Thank you for bringing me closer to the people in my life who I love, and thank you for helping me get rid of those who dragged me down. All I ask is that next year I meet lots of new people, or get to know the new people in my life at the moment and don't end up wasting any more time with anyone who can and will bring me down.

Oh, and thank you for giving me confidence. I've never had it before, it feels good.

I guess my only complaint would be that you helped me to find out who I am and what I want through a few too many "learn from your mistakes"-type of experiences. Sort that out please, none of that rubbish next year. Not that I regret any of it, you always regret the things you don't do more than the things you do, but I would rather just learn through positive experiences, i.e. learning what I am and what I like rather than working it out based on what I'm not or don't like. But all in all, I can't complain.

So, 2012, you have a lot to live up to. Bring it on!

The best gift ever.

Linking up with Mama Kat's writers workshop today, following the prompt: "The best gift ever!"

Why does my wrapping never look that neat?!

My first thought when I read the prompt was that I should, through the course of writing, come to the conclusion that the best gifts you get are the ones which are free, i.e. love, happiness etc. So I sat and soul searched, rummaged through photos of Christmases and birthdays past to find some inspiration but it turns out that, if I'm being honest, I'm a bit too materialistic to remember most of the "priceless" gifts that I feel like I should be sharing.

Of course I have priceless memories (my Dad dropping the flaming Christmas pudding on the carpet, my Grandad getting drunk and trying to reverse his classic car out of his garage at my birthday party, so many classic nights out with my amazing friends I couldn't recall them all), but I don't consider them gifts as such. Yes, they are the things which make a day memorable, but the presents are the cherry on the cake. Or, at least, they should be. This got me thinking about last Christmas and how the gifts I received really do stick in my mind, but probably for the wrong reasons.

My boyfriend, last year, bought me a whole array of presents, but each one was selected to correct one of my faults. By this I mean that I asked for a new watch so he bought me two, and wrote on the tag that the second one was for when I lose the first one. Charming. And basically, everything in the bag was either to replace things I had lost or broken in the last few months (complete with little gift tag reminding me that he had bought me new ones because I was too useless to have kept the last ones) or gifts I just didn't really get.  So why am I writing about this? Because these presents gave me the gift of knowledge - he didn't love me despite my faults, he liked pointing them out because he was one of those people I tend to attract who need to put other people down to make themselves feel better. I was then able to keep an eye out for more of this, more times when he made me feel shit and eventually things, not through lack of trying, finally came to an end. If only I had paid more attention to the sign, rather than putting up with more attempts to put me down, maybe I would have had a better year. But hindsight is a beautiful thing, and you can only learn from your experience.

The Christmas before that gave me the knowledge that actually, my family didn't know me. The presents they chose were so far away from what I would have chosen for myself that I realised it was no wonder they didn't choose things I would like because I had so badly distanced myself from them. I therefore made it my new years resolution to spend more time with my family. I did, and we're closer than ever, plus, I finally have a non-volatile relationship with my Mum.

So I guess, whilst probably not having approached this writing prompt in the way that was intended, without those presents I would be living a different, potentially worse life. They made me realise what needed to change and I hope now that those things have, this Christmas and my whole future will be better for it.

Or they taught me just to ask for money to buy my own presents in the sales. One of the two...

A letter to someone from your past.

Dear You,

I can’t sleep. You have been going round and round my mind again for the last couple of days and although I’ve sworn to myself that I won’t contact you, I have some things I wish I had said to you. Maybe one day I’ll get the courage to send you this letter, or maybe just writing it down will be enough to get me to sleep, enough to help me let go.

Don’t get me wrong, things with us weren’t always bad. Actually, most of the time, things were amazing. I remember one day, after we had been going out for about three or four months, whilst driving to work, Our song came on. I sat and cried, almost hysterically, but they were completely happy tears and the hysteria a mixture of insane smiling and happy giggles. I was actually in love with you and right there and then I understood what other people had always said about being in love. I was so happy I couldn’t even contain it, hence the tears.

But from that point onwards, and actually, with hindsight I now know it started a bit before, you started to wear me down. You paint yourself as a confident, almost arrogant, person on the outside but we both know that’s a cover up. I don’t have a problem with that as such, but the way that you make yourself fell better, I cannot handle. I had a friend like you, once, who used to get all of her self-esteem by putting other people down and after being in her life for about 18 months, she decided she had drained me of all confidence-boosting and ditched me. Why did she think she had drained me? Because she had. She left me, a 16 year old, single anorexic behind because how could she get her self-esteem by leeching from someone who had none?

Ok, I know things didn’t get quite that bad between us, but you were wearing me down in the same way. It was like you had to be better than me at everything, and when you were, you had to rub it in. If you did better on an assignment than me, you rubbed it in my face until I cried. If you cooked something that was better than my attempts, you went on and on about it until I cried... I think you notice the pattern here. It made me feel like there was no point in trying to achieve anything because the achievement meant nothing to you other than as a new goal. Something to achieve, something to beat. I knew I could never make you proud because you would only ever feel that you had to surpass me and as a consequence, I began to see signs of slipping back into the protective, self-destructive shell that I used to spend my life in. And I started to struggle from that point onwards.

However, it wasn’t solely that which started to ebb away at my self-esteem. It was knowing that you were always settling with me, that I was there to serve a purpose and nothing else. I know I’ve told you before that I remember talking to you in our first year, and you said that you preferred dating men but that you disagreed with same-sex marriage and parenthood so you would only ever marry a woman. I sat there right then and thought, “holy shit, I feel sorry for the poor girl who you end up settling with”, and yet I nearly let myself become her. I know what you want from life, and I know you want that stereotypical wife and 2.4 children, and that was what you wanted me for. Not only that, but you tried to mould me into the person you wanted for your game of Happy Families. You obviously have it set out in your head that a couple get together then, after a set amount of time, they live together. Then they get engaged. Then they get married. And it seems to me that you have no intention of ever deviating even slightly from that plan. Which is why it all kicked off when I said that I didn’t want to live with you yet. You took it to mean that I didn’t want the same things as you just because I didn’t fit into your schedule and I again ended up feeling like I wasn’t good enough for you. So you walked away, choosing to leave me for not fitting your mould rather than wait for me to be ready.

And this was why I got so upset that night I got insanely drunk and rang you at 3am. Because after you ‘outed’ T to me and I found out from him what he actually said, by those standards, you were basically outing yourself, thus proving that you were just settling with me so you could get married, have children and keep your family happy. I was enabling the life that you always wanted because I wanted the same things as you. We just never aligned our time-frames.

I don’t blame you entirely for this. I mean, when we got together and you told me what you wanted, you seemed perfect. You wanted everything the last one didn’t, you were perfect. I just didn’t realise I had to run with your timings, I didn’t realise I couldn’t just settle into things at my own pace and it never occurred to me to check this with you.

And right then, at that moment when you tried to walk out on me for, God forbid, saying I wanted something slightly different than you, I realised what I was. I don’t doubt that you love(d) me, I just don’t think it was for the right reasons. I realised I wasn’t what you wanted and that I could never live up to your precise standards, and I felt useless, unloved and unappreciated. The worst thoughts ran through my mind at that time, as I realised that actually, I could see why the last one cheated on you. I could see why she needed some affection because even though I was kind of getting it from you, actually, I wasn’t. You loved me for being a future wife and mother, not for me. You tried to change me, you reduced my abilities to a series of challenges and completely ruined me when I tried to step away from your prescription.

Then I gave you another chance. I asked you not to do something and you did it, showing that again, respecting me and my wishes meant nothing if you felt your agenda was more important. Then you told me to stay with you despite feeling that I didn’t trust you because, again, my happiness shouldn’t interrupt your master plans. As long as you were happy and got to keep me, who cares what I felt, right?

And this is why I can’t sleep tonight. Because I’m lying here, thinking about someone who I love but who I can’t stand. Someone who I love but who doesn’t love me enough to let me be me. Someone who I love but who is so caught up in his own motives that I can’t have my own. I’m now scared, really fricking scared, where once I felt confident. I wonder if I’ll be a good enough teacher, if I’m strong enough to survive on my own, if I’m a good enough friend and actually, I don’t just wonder, I worry. And that’s not something I’ve felt in a long time.

And despite this, I still fucking love you.

Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand you. But I still love you.

And I’m still not tired. My mind is still swimming. But it’s out now. And maybe one day you’ll read this and maybe you won’t do it again. Or maybe one day you’ll read this and laugh it off because my opinions have never mattered, have they? You probably think this is the rambling of a bitter woman who is feeling lonely and therefore is in no way based on truth. It is, by the way, but if you’ve gotten this far and think that then nothing I can do or say will change that.

Good luck in the future. I hope it’s a bit crap. Not too bad, but I don’t want you to be too happy. That’s just not fair. I want to win for once, I want to have a better life.

Love from,
Me.

P.S. If I ever do send this to you, or you find it another way, then I would appreciate a reply. Just a few words so I know you've read it and maybe to know that I didn't waste my time.

Driving through time.

I hate driving through Plymouth. Each and every place in this stupid city reminds me of something I've lost, something I should have done or a mistake I've made. I drive past my flat and drive on or past the roads I used to curse daily to get to it and I'm reminded of the mistakes I made. I drive along a road near the city centre and I'm reminded of my horrible school experience. I drive past certain shops and am reminded of arguments, I drive along certain roads and I'm reminded of crying during my driving lessons when my instructor shouted at me, I drive along a certain road and am reminded of one of the best things I ever did but can no longer do.

I know this sounds strange and a bit depressing, but driving through Plymouth late last night and seeing my whole life play out as I drove along the A38 didn't make me feel sad. It made me reflect on my life, on all those mistakes and bad times and how actually they have led me to where I am today. If I didn't hate this town, then the alternative would be to become one of them; to have no hope, no drive, no ambition and to be happy with exactly what I have, regardless of what my dreams once were or could have been. Mistakes help you learn what you really do want, they help you to recognise your flaws so you don't make the same mistakes again and they help you to move forward to better things. And that is exactly what I intend to do this month when I move.

And so, finally, that desire I had last night will be fulfilled - just keep driving, drive as far away as possible and don't look back. Leave the mistakes behind, take the lessons from them and move on to the better things you couldn't have otherwise had. Because, really, were they even mistakes/bad things? If they have all led me to this point, where I'm happy and have a promising future full with opportunities I can't even imagine, would I wish to have never been through it all? No way.

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that.

Virus-creating computer geeks, I am smarter than you.

I managed to trick my computer so I could run a systems restore and save it and, to be honest, I feel like I have my arm back. It's a sad thing to admit, but I couldn't live without a computer now and the thought of having to do so, even for a few days, was physically mortifying. So now it's packed with anti-virus, anti-malware and anti-spyware software and hopefully nice and safe, I can go back to my primarily internet-based existence.

But seriously, what would we do without a computer these days? How would I do my 2500 word essay due on Friday? How would I keep in contact with my friends without bombarding them with texts and phone calls? How would I be managing to house-hunt in London whilst living 200 miles away in Devon? And whilst you could argue I could still do those things without the internet/a computer using a pen, paper, a phone and a car, it would all take a lot longer, would be a lot harder and generally I would only be able to do one thing at once as opposed to all the above within the space of an hour. And that's just what I've done/used the internet for today: what about tomorrow, the next day... it really is scary how we've come to rely on these things. Because, actually, we are so dependent on them now that we do need them to maintain our current lifestyles, and I'll say it again, it's sad but true. But they say technology moves us forward, and so I suppose we do have more components to our lives as a result, and I couldn't imagine living the lifestyle our parents did aged twenty-something.

Anyway, in other news, I got an Olympic ticket for the Athletics next year! I'm very excited, the chance to go to the Olympic Stadium will be a once in a lifetime opportunity and it will be amazing to be in London and share in the excitement. Mind you, either side of the event I have a ticket for, you won't catch me within 200 miles of London - the whole city will be in a state of absolute bedlam, but still, for the one day I will be there amongst the crowds and packed onto the DLR from Woolwich, it will be an amazing, exciting and uplifting event I'm sure. Bring on next summer!

The Olympic Stadium - aerial view.

A hormonal outburst.

For the last year, maybe eighteen months, I've been suffering with mood swings. Or at least, until I started blogging, I thought I had.

After Christmas 2009, I realised that my moods varied greatly from week to week and I managed to track them back to realise the connection to my cycle and the days I went on/off the pill. I was already having relationship problems with my then-boyfriend, and when I spent one week of every month crying and another shouting at anyone and everything like a crazed mad woman, I realised this wasn't going to help. So I trotted off to my doctors, presented the evidence and she swapped me to another type of pill.

Type in 'hormonal woman' to google image search et voila... depicted.

By this point it was March, and my relationship with my then-boyfriend was hanging by a thread so I hoped the change would help. It did not, and actually, my new pill made me even more insane and I became impossible to live with. I look back now at some of my demands and some of the fights we had and I can't believe I was ever like that, and whilst nothing justifies the way he finished things, I'm surprised we made it to April before he kicked me out, leaving me homeless and broke in every sense of the word.

When I realised that my emotions were being partly-fuelled by the pill again, I took myself off it and had a very nice, placated 5 months before my need for a longer term contraceptive took me back to the doctor. I now have an IUD coil fitted, which works on many of the same hormones but at a much reduced rate and rather than breaking every month, it provides a consistent flow. And yet I still seemed to suffer the same mood swings from Christmas onwards, going from illogical to teary-eyed to angry beast within days, and I suffered all the other effects of a hormone 'wobble' as my (obviously male) doctor described them, such as headaches and spots.

But now, after having split with my boyfriend three months ago and having only had one 'wobble' since, I've realised the factor was not my hormones. It was my relationship, or rather, relationships. The mood swings being caused by them, the headaches and spots from the stress of being unhappy in my situation... it all adds up, and it was only when I had my first mood swing in months on Thursday that I realised what actually caused my flare-ups. And needless to say, it has nothing to do with my hormone levels, but rather the boyfriend-induced stress levels. The calmest I've been in months have been the times I've felt truly free of BS (boyfriend stress, which to be honest could readily be exchanged with 'bullshit' and the effect would be the same) and as quickly as my BS came on Thursday, I ditched the cause from my life and magically I'm fine again.

I suppose there could be a cause-and-effect debate here, but regardless, it seems that the calmer I keep my life and the more I focus on myself rather than running my life for someone else, the clearer life seems. And it's a nice realisation, that actually I am in control of this. And hopefully now I know, it will lead to a better screening process in the future and the early warning signs of BS will be much more, often explosively, apparent.

As if I needed another reason to abstain from men in the next year or so - I have much better things to be doing, much greater things to achieve, and a much greater level of stability to reach than I ever could, evidently, with a man in tow.

So sorry guys, I'm officially off the market, even if this tale of a truly crazy woman didn't put you off...

"Girl power" and other 90s shenanigans.

Seeing as I'm off out with the girls (aka the Spice Girls) tonight, I thought I'd share my 90s reminiscing with you all!

Firstly, our muses for the evening:

That dance will live on forever, genius!

Plus, so much other great music I couldn't miss out (all linked to youtube for your viewing pleasure!): Hanson, Backstreet Boys, M People, Aqua, 'The Macarena', 'Cotton Eyed Joe', Steps... I could go on for hours. Anyway, I think the most worrying thing is that a lot of the cheesy pop bands I looked up actually turned out to be 00s bands, which means I was much less cooler than I thought as a young teenager!

Now if you were a child in the UK during the 90s, you will also remember this little dude and cry with laughter when you watch this, trust me! (And yes, this is Bill Oddie with him!)

And of course, the amazing fashions:

• Denim, denim and more denim, worn on top of denim! Amazing.
• Dungarees. I miss them.
• Bright blue and purple eye shadow with patching bright blue/purple eye liner (which, might I add, they do not sell in Boots anymore)
• Knitted jumpers, oh the beauty.
• Turtle neck jumpers
• Gypsy style (which is back, again...)
• CROP TOPS. Fit.
• And apparently, the 90s saw the first chavs. Enough said.
• Scrunchies for putting hair up! Nice.

It was an amazing time, and I'm sure that I don't just say that because of the innocence of my youth, afterall, who couldn't be happy if they had 5,6,7,8, the Macarena and other dance routines to keep them busy?

Spice up your life! 

Feel free to share any other memories, I can't get enough 90s!

Panic.

I knew Plymouth would one day crush me, I just didn't see that it had already happened. I literally lay in bed all day yesterday sulking, crying and playing a load of self-indulgent songs from my ipod (we all do it sometimes, it helps to vent, or so I tell myself) at a single realisation.

In the world, there is something called the "Five degrees of separation" (or six, depending on what you read), which means that somehow, everyone in the world is the friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend *counts back to check* that you already know regardless of how you know that person, where they live etc. I think in Plymouth though, I think it's no more than 2 degrees at the very most, and realising that in anything more than a lighthearted "oh so you are so-and-so's sister?" way is beyond awful. I'm actually really worried, I've come so far and I just cannot, cannot, cannot go back. Not now.

When I finished my GCSEs aged 16, I had the worst two years of my life. The long summer was hell, with various 'friends' either making my life hell or, the lesser of two evils, not bothering with me at all. I was depressed, and spent every day of the summer on the internet talking to people online to not feel alone and to feel valid. Sixth form was worse, because those people who dragged me down were suddenly there every day again and seemed to be on some sort of vendetta against me to make my life awful. In English lessons for example, there were only 9 of us in the A-Level class and in our double lesson on Fridays we would take it in turn to bring in sweets. And then, every week except when it was my turn, the people in my group would proceed to pass the sweets round and would purposely not offer me any. No-one would sit next to me in the common room and I spent a lot of my time sat in the computer suite alone because at least there I could send an email or something to make myself feel better about having no friends.

By the final year there, I was barely going because I knew my self-esteem couldn't take any more. In fact, there was nothing left of my self-esteem. The only friend I had there was a girl who I used to go to the school gym with in the mornings, and together we developed anorexia and competed against each other for fitness and weight-loss aims but at least it felt safe because we were the same, we never told anyone what we did and it was our little secret. All of this self-destruction, I still believe now, was down to a few girls whom had been my 'friends', but who had constantly put me down to feed their own self-esteem and then turned on me to stop others from having anything to do with me.

Four years later, I'm sat here now a much stronger person. I have friends, I have a healthy relationship with food against all odds, I'm confident and I'm happy. The girls who dragged me down have nothing to do with me any more, and the ex boyfriend who ruined me last year is out of my life too. This last year has been the cherry on top in the process of sorting my life out and know if I hadn't got rid of those people from my life, I couldn't honestly say I'd even still be alive.

Until today, that is, I believed I was without them. But the 2 degrees of separation mean that I've realised without any facebook stalking (because they popped up on my feed in other people's photos) that they are creeping back in. They are one night away from being back in my lives again; they are in the outer proximities of my social group; they are now friends with other friends of mine they didn't know before and eventually, I can see it now, we will be invited to the same event and everything I've fought so hard to escape will be stood in front of me, gloating and bitching whilst I feel smaller and smaller until I want to cry.

Ex boyfriends too. I have enough trouble avoiding the one I see every time I go to uni that I didn't think to keep an eye out for the other one. He's the one who reduced me to nothing until I ruined our relationship before he proceeded to kick me out, keep all the stuff that was jointly owned and leave me homeless. He hurt me so much I've not even ever dealt with it, I think it's just been repressed and ignored and whilst you could argue that's not helpful, I didn't realise that until recently and even now I have no intention of digging it out again. Again, I just shunned him from my life but again, at some point, he will be there at the same time as me and I'll have to face it. I can see him there, I can see who he spends his time with now and I can see how my social group is starting to slide together with his. This is not the time in my life for this.

I feel so trapped, I feel like I have to watch my step, like I have to watch who I go out with, where and when in an attempt to keep those people from coming back and wreaking havoc in my life again. I know I'm stronger now, a part of me even thinks I could hold my head up high and manage it, but there's that little bit of me which is saying 'why risk that, keep your distance' because inside every one of us, there is still that insecure 16-year-old who doesn't take much knocking down.

I need to get out of here now. I know I can't, I know I have at least 1 month 3 days before I am truly free, but that cannot come soon enough because this city feels like a ticking time-bomb now, waiting to collapse around me and prove that actually, I'm not as strong as I thought. And I want that to be wrong, I want it to prove that I am strong when it happens but I can't take that risk right now because it's taken me four years to get to where I am today and I have better things to do with my life than spend another four years sorting myself out again.

Sorry for the rant but I'm panicking, in case you hadn't noticed. I just don't know what to do other than become a recluse and hide which won't help and it's messed with my brain so much I can feel my heart racing in my chest and my breathing becoming more panicky. I need to find a way to handle this, to keep everything from coliding again. I need a movie-esque (or at least mediocre-TV-programme-esque) plan...