I can see clearly now my brain has gone.

I still remember singing that line over the real lyrics in primary school singing assembly and it still makes me laugh.

In all seriousness, I am much clearer on things now than I was yesterday. Thank you so much to everyone who commented and reassured me that I was at least, in some parts, right and that I should not settle for someone who was settling with me... if that makes sense.

I had a discussion with him last night about it all, and he was upset that I had been upset by it. He told me that we don't need words and names to describe how we're feeling because he knows that he likes me more than he has ever liked anyone before, that I'm the only person he's ever wanted to see as much, the only person he has ever enjoyed sleeping in the same bed with and the only person things have ever felt this easy with. Whether I believe him or not, he knows that he loves me and that even if I don't believe him now that he's going to convince me.

He is so right (although don't tell him that I said that). We're both happy, that's all that matters.

I'm more than happy. They haven't invented words for how happy I am with things so far. We just fit, we want the same things from life and each other, we feel the same things and that's what's important. Not the words that we put on things.

So, I'm officially signing my brain out of this relationship. Clearly when I over-think the things he says, I end up more confused. If I'm confused or upset, I'll ask, rather than stew on it for a few hours before asking him. He doesn't always mean the things that he says in the way they come across, so really, what's the point in worrying when there is probably nothing to worry about?

So, thanks brain. You've served me well thus far but I think we are pretty much done here.

(Maybe jump in if I'm about to do something stupid though, yeah? Don't let me ignore any red-alerts...)

My boyfriend doesn't believe in love.

Yesterday, he kept asking me if I loved him. I dodged around the question a bit: we've been together for a couple of months and whilst I am falling head over heels for him, I'm not quite there yet.

Then, this morning in a different conversation, he said he didn't know what love was. So, I called him on it. I asked him why he was so desperate to hear me say that I loved him if he had no intention of saying it back to me. He then asked how I was so sure that he wouldn't say it to me, so we had a bit of a discussion.

He said that he doesn't know what love is, but he was with someone for 4 years so that must have been love. He thinks that he couldn't possibly like me any more than he already does, so that must be love, but that he doesn't know what love is and he's just assuming this is it.

I tried to convince him that he's wrong - if you have any doubts, have to think about it or somehow convince yourself that you are in love then that just is not it, but he wasn't having any of it. He's adamant that as much as he likes me now, that's as much as it's ever possible to like anyone, but yet he still thinks love doesn't exist.

That can't be it, surely? Don't get me wrong, I have never been in love before. Not really, and I guess the reason I walked away from relationships which were 'ok', or 'good enough' despite the person I was with being in love with me was because I thought love was this amazing feeling which completely changes everything and it was something worth taking a risk to have. It's this thing which erases all doubts, it takes over every thought in your mind and makes you feel that kind of scared which is actually good for you. When you are with them, you feel like you are the only and most amazing girl in a packed room, you feel as if nothing you could do or say would ruin things because you are on a pedestal in their eyes and not only that, but they make you believe it is actually true, no matter what you think of yourself.

Maybe I have been raised on too many Disney films, but that has to be true, it just can't be any other way. Thinking about couples I know, just having strong feelings for each other can't be enough to spend 53 years with someone who must drive you round the bend most of the time; to forgive them when they betray you or to hurt so much when they do that even 17 years won't be long enough for you to get over it; to be prepared to change your whole life and move to a different continent just to wake up next to them every day; to wait by their bedside for years whilst their mind and body are gradually destroyed... just liking someone a lot is not enough to put up with those things so that absolutely, 110% cannot be it. It just can't be.

Anyway, love must exist. I see it in my Grandparents. I see the strength my Grandma shows when my Grandad goes for his cancer treatment, I see the resilience she shows to him having become increasingly deaf through the years, to the strange and inexplicable things he does more and more often. Love must be the only thing that stopped her battering the daft git half to death years ago, it's the reason she cries herself to sleep now and the reason that she always stands up for him, no matter how insane he has been... Love does those things, not "like". Like just isn't powerful enough.

Call me an old romantic, and I didn't think that I was, but I refuse to believe what he says.

Someone please tell me that I'm right and that it's worth waiting for, worth fighting for... please?

Probably not the "Disney love" I meant thanks, Google...

Teenage troubles.

When I was a lot younger, I pretty much ruined my own life. 

Repeatedly, I blamed other people and shut myself away. I stopped eating, stopped socialising, shut myself in the house and blamed other people for not liking me. Not that I ever gave them anything to like. I became convinced the world was against me and that there was no help for me. I convinced myself I was useless, ugly, not good enough at anything. I turned on myself, and let myself wallow in self-pity, indulging these stupid thoughts.

I found an old myspace profile today. One I made aged 17, when I had stopped eating, had no friends and spent all my time sat at the computer. I had online friends who made me feel somewhat valid, but that was it. I read my 'bio' and cried. I can't believe I ever let myself get in that state, and worse of all, I can't believe I'm still there. Not all the time, but sometimes, on days like today when I hate myself and feel all those things again and want to stand and scream at the whole world to just fuck off. 

I hate myself for hating myself. I thought I had come so far, and whilst the teenage angst has definitely died down, the underlying feelings are still there. The feelings that I'm not getting anywhere, that everyone else is better/doing better than me, the fact that I am, somehow, actually, not really welcome here.

At least at that age I was pretty. I didn't realise it at the time but looking back at the photos, I was actually beautiful.

I need to sort myself out again. I've really gone downhill since Christmas and it's been years since I've felt this bad.

I think I had too much spare time on holiday in which to think...

(I'm sorry this is so teenagey-pessimisticy-narcisismy, but I needed a rant. I know I've had a lot of rants recently, but this is the only place I can do it and I really, really do need to vent).

Yes, the first time I admit I am an adult.

I love my Plymouth girls so much. We've grown up together, known each other for so long I can't remember being without them, but this weekend I think we all realised that actually, now we have grown up (as much as I hate to admit that I'm not still 18...) our friendships have changed.

I came back to Plymouth to see everyone for the first time in 8 weeks but I had missed nothing. No-one has been out on a night out, celebrated anything or even met for a coffee in that time and whilst it's great to think that I haven't missed anything, it was sad to realise that this is how "grown up" friendships actually work: Hardly seeing each other because we're so busy working, so tired when we do meet that we can't be bothered to go out and (the other girls more so than me) spending most of our free time with boyfriends.

I guess this is what growing up feels like, or so my mum said.

Plus, I now feel like the odd one out for not being in a "serious relationship", whatever the hell that means, whereas only 18 months ago I was the odd one for being in one. Because I'm not desperate to get married in the next 2 years or not even in a relationship which is anything more than casual, I now get the patronising, "ahh, well, that's ok..." comments which suddenly make me feel like I'm strange.

Am I strange for not wanting those things yet? For not wanting to be tied down? For wanting to be able to take any opportunity which comes my way without having to worry about someone else? For not wanting to be held back, or potentially hold someone else back? Don't get me wrong, I love being in a couple again but I couldn't go back to the ties and commitments I found myself in before. I've just turned 23 for goodness sake, why am I the odd one out for not being in a rush to grow up? Don't get me wrong, I'm SO happy my friends are happy and feel ready for that commitment, but we're young, surely it's ok not to want that?

I don't really know who I am yet, never mind be sure what I want for the future. That isn't really that unusual, surely?

Shared experiences.

It's funny, really, how blogging can make you see life for what it really is. Even when you feel alone, like you are the only person feeling the way you do, it makes you realise that hey, it's not only ok to feel like this, but pretty normal! I finally caught up with my favourite blogs today, and I would have to say, 3/5 of them had blogged saying exactly the same things that I have been thinking and feeling recently. It really was a massive comfort to realise I don't need to beat myself up about having a 'down' week.

We're all human, right?

For the last couple of weeks I have been finding it hard to stay positive. Life has gotten quite hard, and not because things are bad, but just because there is suddenly a lot of pressure from every avenue of my life (work, friends, health, relationships) and this has made me feel much less like my self. For example, earlier this week I spent 48 hours crying, almost constantly, and that is so unlike me. Normally, even when I'm in a shit mood I strop around the house like a grumpy toddler before eventually picking myself up, but this didn't happen. I also found myself with no inclination to work, chat with friends, blog... all those things I usually love. Things were just not right in my life; for the first time in ages I felt truly awful.

Today, however, I'm feeling much better. Yesterday was my birthday and I had a lovely day, feeling really loved and appreciated by everyone in my life. It really made me smile, and today I have had a lot of fun meeting friends, planning hen dos and taking some 'Extreme Reading' photos for my class (I wish I could share them, I actually got to go in an Ice Cream van. Exciting!) so hopefully, just hopefully, the fog has cleared and I can go back to being my normal, sunshiney self.

I hope, if you have felt the way I have in any way recently, that you start to see the sunshine soon.

Dear 22.

Dear 22,

Well, tomorrow I say goodbye to you and I welcome 23 into my life. I wanted to write you this letter to say thank you for an amazing year, which to be honest is an understatement: you were the best year of my life. You brought me my dream job, my graduation, my freedom, my independence... you have given me change and opportunity, yet stability and introduced to me to so many new people, whilst helping me to keep in touch with the people who I love.

So, thank you. Thank you for the smiles, the laughs and the hysterical tears. Everything I've done this year has proven that I can do anything I put my mind to, and for the first time I'm proud of myself. Which sounds incredibly self-centred, but it's taken me a lot to get to this point.

I'm happy now. When I turned 22 I couldn't say that about my life, but now I absolutely can do so, 22, thank you so so SO much.

Now, 23, you have a lot to live up to! You had better brace yourself and step it up because the last year set the bar pretty high. You had better make the jump.

Lots of love,

Summer. x

"Happy Birthday to meeeeee..."

Funny mood.

I have just written this blog post and thought I'd warn you up here that this is a load of self-pitying, waffling crap. I am still going to post it because I hope one day I look back at this and remember how I have managed to pick myself up again, but you guys probably don't want to read it. 

I apologise for the silence recently, but work has been pretty busy (no surprise there) and combined with a fairly substantial social life (admittedly compared to my own fairly low standards), I have often been struggling to find time to sleep, let alone blog.

I am still here, I am still alive.

However, I don't feel like I'm much more right now. That really is it. I'm living, apparently.

I have been in this strange, strange mood for the last week, one where I feel like life is just happening around me and to me, and I am just floating around within it. I still don't feel in control of my life and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel in control of my moods. I used to be able to change my mood, either with music, food, doing a particular activity, but at the moment, I am stuck. I have been floating above my own life for a good week now, not really sure what I'm doing or how I'm coping. I am coping, and for the first time in a while I am back to my normal organised self and so haven't forgotten anything or done anything silly in a while, but I still don't feel like me.

I realise I am not explaining this very well, but I guess I'm not too sure what this mood is or why I'm in it. If I were, I would be able to work out how to get myself out of it, but I can't.

I know that most of my confidence has gone. For whatever reason, for the first time in a very long time, I don't feel like I can achieve the things I want to. I feel like everything is just out of my grasp, nearly possible but not quite and that my fate is actually not in my hands.

I have always believed in fate and luck, but I believe that you create your own. Recently, though, I am starting to doubt that, doubt my own ability to make my own luck.

I think I need someone to tell me that I'm doing ok. Maybe I didn't have as much self-confidence as I thought, maybe it has always been completely reliant on people telling me I am doing well. In teaching, though, you don't really get that. Someone watches you teach, spends 2 minutes telling you what was good and then 20 telling you what you need to improve on. In a new relationship, you constantly feel self-aware, worry that you are doing/saying the wrong thing.

Plus, as happy as I am for my friends at the moment, their lives are just serving as a reminder that whilst they are growing up, getting somewhere in their lives and relationships, I am not. I feel like I am taking steps backwards in some respects or, at best, standing still. Career, relationships, friendships...

I haven't felt this shit in a long time. A long, LONG time...