Memories.

Sorry I haven't blogged much recently, it's been a busy month. A hard month too, actually.

I'm back in Plymouth at the moment, which always seems like a good idea when I'm sat at Paddington station, but I soon remember why I hate it here. When I'm back home, I'm always forced to revisit old memories. This was one of the reasons that I couldn't wait to get away from Plymouth, the little things that remind me of the spectacular mistakes I've made. I blame other people for a lot of them (all of them?) because that's what I'm like: a stubborn mare who never wants to admit I'm wrong, but actually, we all learn from our mistakes and I now know it's time to do just that - don't run, don't hide, and rather than be haunted by crap from the past, I need to look back and take the lessons, and possibly even apologise (anyone who knows me may wish to print this and frame it - your eyes are not deceiving you, I did just use the 'a' word!)

I think I can do this now. After a year away, I've had a lot of time to learn who I am. I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm not as confident as I thought I was, but I'm getting there. I'm as uncool as I thought I was, but that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did. I've also learnt there is a big difference between independence and control, but I can control a lot more of my life than I thought I could, and I'm starting to do it.

As for other things I have learnt, without being too specific (this is not the time or place), here are a few things I now know:

1) Looking back, I now know that, at a time in my life when I really struggled, I felt like shit back then because of me and my situation, not because of the people around me (or, rather, 'person'. I wasn't a popular teenager...). Don't get me wrong, in the end we both screwed with each other's heads, with each other's lives, but for the most part, we had a lot of fun. We went through a lot together, we looked out for each other and I know my life was better for her being in it. We ended badly, really badly, but that shouldn't detract from all the fun we did have. Sorry for being a bitch, and I've deleted what I think you read because it was harsh, like you said it was. (Excuse the cryptic-ness of this for most of you who don't know what this is about.)

2) The bad decisions in my life have brought me to where I am today. Without one person, who otherwise ruined my life (and as much as I said I wouldn't blame people any more, I will always blame you because it didn't have to be that way), I wouldn't have made the decision that lead to the best 3 years of my life, ultimately giving me the confidence to do the best thing I have ever done. It taught me what I wanted, what I liked and what I didn't like. I know the sort of person I definitely do not want to be, which sounds like a negative, but I needed to see that. I thought I wanted things your way and I absolutely did not.

3) I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, but, in reality, this means I am always disappointed in myself. However, at the same time, I have achieved a lot. I've done a lot on my own, actually, and I can still achieve anything I want as long as I'm being realistic. Just for future reference, I will walk away from you if you ever doubt me, and then I will prove you wrong. That has never changed, even if I didn't truly have the confidence to go through with it before, I never will if I keep people like that in my life. So doubt me once, even if I am being over-ambitious, and you will be out. I would rather be the way I am and always aim high, rather than settle for being the same as everyone else. That isn't me and I don't ever want it to be.

4) I can never, ever move back here. Other than my few lovely friends and family, everyone else in this city seems to epitomise the life I don't want to lead. I always suspected this, but now I've been away for a year and have come back, I was right. This is not the place for me.

5) I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just am.

No doubt there will be more little life lessons to come over the next three days. Every corner in this city brings me to reminiscing about other things and, as much as I hate these stupid self-indulgent blog posts, I needed to get it out and get it written down. It stops my brain from going round and helps me sleep.

On that note...

A funeral.

My Grandad died, rather suddenly, on Wednesday. Obviously, it has been a horrible time, but today was the worst. He's Jewish, and so I had my first experience of a Jewish funeral.

And seriously, I don't mean to offend anyone who is Jewish, but I hated it. Funerals in general are obviously horrible, but I hated these traditions even more. I hate the fact that they are all about misery and sorrow instead of celebration of their life, and all symbols of happiness (colour, flowers etc) are forbidden and I hate the fact that the people who go to the funeral bury the coffin. It was horrible, and so unlike my Grandad. My Grandad would have wanted a big party with everyone laughing, having a good time, singing and wearing silly hats, and instead we had to go for 45 minutes and wallow in self-pity. It was SO unlike him, he always loved to laugh and make others smile, and I hated it.

On the other hand, even though they only had 48 hours notice, best part of 100 people showed up. This does go against Jewish tradition, which states only close family should be present, but my Grandad would have wanted others there. They all had such lovely things to say about him, and it was wonderful to see how many lives he touched. He was a very busy man, involved in so many things, always helping others and it was such a tribute to see so many people there.

We then held a small wake, with only very close family, again against tradition, but my Grandad always loved a good buffet at a funeral. I think we did him proud, eating lovely food, not touching a drop of alcohol, and sharing lovely memories. We've all had a cheerful afternoon actually, after the funeral, sharing memories and playing silly games.

We even invented, what sounds like, a pretty sick game, but it is so typical of my family to turn sorrow into joy and laughter. We play 'snap' with the sympathy cards - we have over 60 and so are now getting many duplicate cards. The first person to spot a duplicate card when my Grandma opens a new one, points at it and yells "SNAP" and gets a point. It sounds quite inappropriate, but if he were here, my Grandad would be the first to join in. We always want to laugh in our family, and we're probably the only family in the world who could sit and laugh when opening sympathy cards. It really is what he would have wanted though, he was such a positive and vibrant person. There was never a dull minute with him around, and we will never lose that.

I miss you, you batty old git. I hope you liked my eulogy <3

Seriously, ladies, why do we do this to ourselves?!

Men are actual assholes.

Now, this may not be a revelation to most of you, but it is to me. Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of idiot men treating me like rubbish at times, but last night I saw what other people talk about.

To cut a long story short, my Grandad is ill. Really ill, and I'm going home this weekend to see him because, realistically, it will be the last time he is in any fit state to see me as he is already on a lot of pain medication, if not the last time at all. So, because of this, I rang my boyfriend and asked if, on Sunday night when I get home, he would come over and spend the evening with me to cheer me up, keep me company, give me a cuddle etc after a bad weekend. He said no, the football is on.

And the worst thing is? After sharing this story with a couple of friends at school, their response was neither shock nor horror. Nope, something I can only describe as acceptance. This is, apparently, "what men do".

Seriously girls, since when has this kind of behaviour been acceptable?! Why is it ok for guys to treat us like that, to talk to us like that, and more importantly, why do we let them? Why do I know that I should tell my boyfriend where to shove it (because, let's face it, we haven't been together for long enough for me to be putting up with this crap), yet don't? Why do we all just shrug it off as "what men do"?

(Not that I shrugged it off, I was actually upset. And then angry. And then settled on a combination of the both.)

But, let's face facts for a moment here girls: this is why they do it - because we don't call them on it. We don't tell them to piss off when they treat us like crap, therefore making the behaviour 'acceptable', and we all write it off as 'typical'. Typical doesn't mean it is ok. This is really not ok, and we deserve better than this, girls, we really do. We wouldn't get away with treating our boyfriends like this, so why is it ok for them? Fuck double standards, it's not good enough in this day and age.

Moral of this story: worship the ground I walk on and treat me like I'm the most important thing in the world or fuck off.

Your call, assholes.

Oh, and, if you are a guy and reading this, for the love of God, learn from the mistakes of your fellow man. And do not think that a box of Jelly Babies will suffice as an apology. I mean, are you all this thick?

Being organised.

I have always considered myself a very organised person, to the point of being slightly obsessed. It is something I am now known for amongst my colleagues, and the staff that work in my room are almost afraid to touch anything in case it gets moved out of place.

To go with it, I have a full-blown obsession with lists, post-it notes, notebooks and diaries, although I generally change my current organisational method/equipment at least once a month and so have notebooks and diaries all over the place which get picked up and used for a bit, before they are discarded in favour of something else. I also have meal lists on my fridge, as well as a meal planner running in one of the many diaries/notebooks I have to hand, and I have a constant 'life timetable' drawn up somewhere which I change everyday. I have a 6-week calendar in my classroom with all my arrangements and dates for the kids to look at, and write a 'weekly timetable' for my class each week, even though 8/10 weeks it is the same.

Ok, ok, I am obsessed.

Despite the aforementioned, I do, however, try to reign it in. I would quite happily have a different notebook each week, spending most of my disposable income in Paperchase, and could quite happily spend hours of my week making to do lists, rather than actually doing the things I am trying to do.

But, this week, I have decided to embrace it. I read another blog of a girl who has the same obsession and, as a consequence, has pretty much every diary/planner on the planet. She actually keeps 3, and whilst I always try to find one and keep that, because it doesn't give me room to do the obsessive things I like to do, I always wish I could have more than one. So hell, if other people do it, then I can too.

And anyway, I actually enjoy doing all of those silly things! Whilst it is an obsession because I feel very anxious if I don't have something written down telling me how to live my week, I don't see the harm in it. Being organised is a positive trait, right? It's definitely something I would list on my CV and it is something which has always helped me to stay in control.

If I want to have a bag full of notebooks to organise my life, then I'm going to do it. Keeping control of my life is difficult enough right now, if this is what I need then I'm doing it.

I will also be organising my classroom to within an inch of its life over the summer. My new classroom, that is (although that story is another post entirely, I shall blog when the 100% official confirmation is through).

I'm so going to Paperchase next weekend...

Everything is going well.

In a complete change of events, everything is going really, really well for me at the moment. In the last 4 days, everything has changed and things which I struggled with this time last week have seemingly resolved themselves and improved.

And I mean, everything is going really well. Career, relationships, friendships... Everything seems to be great right now, possibly too great. Something has to go wrong soon, right?

Who knows, maybe forcing myself to think in a more positive way and becoming proactive about changing my life has actually, for once, worked.

I have this above my desk at work and thought I'd share the advice. (By the way, check out the website - this is a great source of inspiration for anyone in the need of a boost.)

Sorting my life out.

Today is the start of sorting my life out.

This means sorting out my career, my classroom, my flat, my friendships, my relationship.

I have until the end of the month to sort everything, otherwise I will go mad. This post is the evidence and the promise that I will sort all of those things.

It must be possible to do everything...

Haircut time again.

Hair cut time. Every 8-10 weeks it comes around, and each time I still hate my hairstyle and decide I want a change. Since the age of 16, I don't think I've had the same haircut for more than 3 months before changing it/growing it out/cutting it short and even when I do find a hairstyle I like, I soon get bored of it and go hunting for something else to try. I have never been able to understand those people who have had the same hairstyle for years, even when it suits them really well, how do they not get bored of it? Maybe I just haven't found a style I like that much yet, or maybe it is symptomatic of my indecisiveness.

So, tomorrow, true to form, I'm going to have my hair cut, want a new hairstyle and inevitably and will end up looking a) the same or b) horrible. I'm going to indulge my current serious girl-crush, Katy Perry, and go for this:

Seriously, I have a massive girl-crush on her. She's so beautiful, she brings out a seriously jealous streak in me. That is, until she opens her mouth and reveals the most irritating voice. Anyway, getting side-tracked... Hair.

Now, I do realise that none of you know what I look like as I don't post personal photos, so couldn't tell me whether it will suit me or not, but I love the choppy layers and the side-fringe. It's so different to the normal smooth, plain and boring hairstyle I go for so I'm hoping it will appease my constant desire for a new hairstyle. Or at least do so for the next six months...

It's part of my plan to sort my life out and to make some changes, which I'm kick-starting next week. I will get a life, I will not sit and wallow in boredom...