Technology, I hate you.

I feel like, after days like today, you should have learnt something. After all, I believe mistakes are only mistakes if you never learn from them, yet I cannot find the lesson in this set of events.

Yesterday, whilst happily surfing the internet, my computer restarted itself. Nothing major, no big panic, until an "antivirus software" window popped up and "scanned" before telling me I had thirty-five "viruses". It was obvious straight away that this was a fake application and I thought, oh, simple, I find out what it is and uninstall it as the whole point of such a virus is to make you pay for software you don't need. Yet it didn't seem this simple, and after an hour of trying to suss out where the hell this thing had put itself on my computer, I searched the internet to find out what it was.

And it is, basically, a very dangerous virus which starts to gradually take over every piece of systems software and hardware, pulling it into it's own hidden files to stop you from finding it, doing systems restore, going online to download a removal tool... it has literally taken over every main piece of software/hardware on my computer to the extent that nothing works. I just about managed to salvage my documents, music and photos, but otherwise the whole thing is knackered and I need this long weekend to be over so I can find some sort of computer technician to help me fix it.

Solution?

Whilst this is obviously a massive worry, and the number of trojans and spyware it installed on my computer meant I've had to cancel all my bank cards and change all my passwords, my main concern is that I have absolutely no idea how this happened. I always thought viruses happened to people who went on dodgy websites, opened emails from strangers with unknown links and attachments and who didn't have any anti-virus software. I did have anti-virus software, I had definitely not been on a dodgy website (or even one which I don't normally use) and I hadn't opened or authorised anything I shouldn't have, yet it still happened?

This is why I am most frustrated, as I would like to know what I did wrong to ensure I don't do it again, but that's not possible - I did everything you should do and I didn't do anything I shouldn't. I'm not a gullible person anyway and I am not a complete computer-retard, so I always figured I'd always be safe. Yet, no, my new(ish) laptop is completely ruined and unusable until I find someone who can help me.

I realise this was a bit of a rant, but if anyone knows what I did to get this virus, then please let me know.

And to think, I was so close to throwing my old, knackered laptop away last week. In comparison, this beast is a supercomputer...

Double standards.

I found myself in a conversation with my sort-of-step-mum (they aren't married but they've been together for sixteen years so I consider her my step-mum) about the double standards that exist in society, and how the negative side of them always seems to fall on women.

We talked about how, if a married man has an extra-marital exploit with a single girl, it is usually the woman who takes the blame and is labelled the slag and the home-wrecker. Now, this was quite awkward because whilst my step-mum wasn't single either when my Dad left my Mum for her, she did end up with that label. Although it's always worth bearing in mind I've grown up with one side of the story, but she did admit that she was that 'slag' and I know she had to move her job as a consequence of the stigma. Yet, men never seem to suffer quite to the same extent in terms of the blame.

Take the whole ridiculous Ryan Giggs and Imogen Thomas thing: she has suffered much more at the hands of the public opinion than he has, yet she was single and he's the married one! I feel really sorry for her, I truly do. Whether she knew he was married or not (and to be honest, I didn't even up until Friday) isn't the point, if YOU are in a relationship, YOU are responsible for your actions and being honest and so he should be the one who is receiving death threats, not her.

Ok, that's extreme, no-one should be suffering that kind of abuse, but if one or the other, then he is more in the wrong than she is, surely?

Anyway, it isn't just in this sort of instance that we suffer at the hands of a society built on double standards. It was in fact this that started our discussion, as my step-mum told me to, and I quote, "enjoy being single and irresponsible in London, there are lots of nice new men to have some fun with", to which my Grandma told me not to be a slag. Now, I'm not saying that I will be in any way taking up my step-mum's advice, but if I did, why would I be a slag? If I were a bloke I'd be a hero, yet if I were to start working my way through the male population of London as a woman, I'd be labelled a slut. And to be honest, I would feel like a slut and as a consequence wouldn't behave like that in the first place, but surely I should be free to should I so choose to go out and enjoy myself? And anyway, at what point do you progress from just having fun to being a slut? Does one one-night-stand make you a slut, does it require sleeping with a different man every weekend, are you a slut if you go out with a different man every night but don't sleep with them... I just don't understand the label and what it applies to and, most importantly, why it's even relevant in this day and age.

So maybe I'll be a slut, maybe I won't. Maybe you might think I am, whilst other people wouldn't. But just in case... Sorry Grandma!

On nights like tonight.

I'm scared of going to sleep.

This may sound a bit strange, and I really ought to clarify it isn't the actual sleep which I'm scared of, it's the process of getting to sleep. It's the lying in bed with the events of the day whirling around in your head, and yet you're not quite conscious enough to have control over how they develop - this is the stage that I'm scared of. I think this has been going on for about four years now, and for four years unless I'm sharing a bed with someone I've always kept my TV on so I can listen to it rather than my own thoughts and this is the only way I can get to sleep.

Now, I'm not sure if it has become a habit (because although it takes a while, I can sleep without the telly when someone is here) or why I still have these problems, but the thought of going to bed without my TV on makes me cry and I literally cannot bring myself to turn it off. It's one of the few anxious behaviours I still have left, and given that on a daily basis it doesn't really bother me, it's not a behaviour I feel desperate to get rid of. However, on nights like tonight when I feel like the whole world is pushing me down, I wish I could just go to sleep to forget it all but it won't be that simple and this is when it annoys me. Even thinking about sleep gives me butterflies, and every time I think about it to even write this, I feel my heart beat a little bit faster.

I just wish I could choose when I switched off, rather than having to watch TV until I can't keep my eyes open any more. I wish I could just lie in bed without going over every bad thing that's ever happened to me. And on nights like tonight, I wish I could forget everything that happened today.

You see, due to what's now going round my university about me (and seriously, I knew rumours were bullshit but until I became the subject of one I didn't realise quite how much rubbish they were) and despite the fact that today was our last lecture, I just cannot stop going over it in my head. It's making me not want to go out, and I even contemplated shunning my friends from uni in the attempt to get rid of the association for good, but I know that's ridiculous and definitely so given what is going on.

I already hated most of the people on my course anyway, I now can't wait to leave and be with grown ups and not have these stupid, petty little problems dominating my life because, let's be honest, this really isn't an important issue. It's just a shame it's one of those stupid things that gets into your head and makes you feel small and ridiculed.

I swear, getting involved in that boy was more hassle than the good times were worth...

(I realise this post is a bit cryptic and unless you know me, which none of you do, some of this will make no sense. I just can't bring myself to tell you what they are saying, it's embarrassing enough without spreading the joy...)

Bonfires and den-making.

When I move away, it never occurred to me that I would miss this lot, but I really will. You see, I've been a Rainbow and Brownie guider for the last three years and as much as the Rainbows are very excitable and the Brownies can be rude and loud, they are so much fun. Even despite the fact I was in a dreadful mood today, a few hours with them running around a forest making dens and cooking sausages around a campfire and I had the biggest smile on my face. They can be little monsters, and I'm sure if you quoted me on this at 4am when we're having a 'sleep'over that I would retract this, but mostly they are all lovely. The Rainbows in particular I'm attached to, they are so little and sweet, evidence if you needed anything that little girls really are made of sugar and spice and all things nice. We took them to the Build A Bear factory yesterday which was great fun too, so all in all, it's been a happy smiley week thanks to them. I really, really will miss them.

Although I wish I had taken a picture to show you of the new Rainbow bear, Jelly Bean. She really is... something else. Unique, I think you could say...

Anyway, I was very pleased to log on today and find I've been awarded my first blog award from Missy, who's blog you can (and should) check out here. I'm very excited, and even more so to receive the award from the blogger who's new posts I look forward to the most.

So in line with the rules, here are my seven random facts about myself:

1) I've never seen Mary Poppins, the Wizard of Oz or the Sound of Music, which I am led to believe is quite weird.

2) When I was four-years-old, my Mum mixed some medicine into a strawberry milkshake to make me take it and it made me sick. Even to this day, the smell of strawberry milkshake/ice cream alone will make me physically sick, I have such a strong aversion.

3) When I was 16, I had absolutely no friends and turned to the internet for solace. Since then, I've had the most amazing set of online friends with whom I would trust my life, despite having only met them once/twice.

4) I bought my own set of board markers for school because schools never provide you with purple ones.

5) I'm not scared of the dark, I'm scared of what might be there that I can't see. My imagination is far too overactive sometimes...

6) If I ever want to smile, the surefire way is to put on some good, 90s children's programmes and suddenly, with a cup of tea and a biscuit in my hand, I feel as innocent and free as I did when I watched them the first time.

7) If reincarnation is true, I want to be a cat in my next life. They have the most amazing lifestyle, they rule their own lives, do what they want when they want and can sleep through pretty much anything. Sounds perfect. (Or should I say purrfect... oh I know, I couldn't miss that opportunity, could I?!)

And now to pass on the award seven times over:

Sy's Prints

A Day in My Wheels

Eat Your Veggies

In This Box of Goodies

Together for the Better

Smallgirl Towers

Introducing: Me

Now, I must stop procrastinating and I must get on with my essay. I had such a productive day today, unfortunately being in a bad mood is better for my productivity, so lets see if tomorrow can be both a happy and beneficial day. One more essay to go, 8 days left and then university is done forever!

Tasty Tuesday

This is such a quick pudding, it can be made on those days when your main meal doesn't go far enough and you want to quickly whip up a pudding. It takes 20 minutes from start to finish, even the first time you make it, so it's ideal for weekdays.

Quick Lemon Sponge Pudding.
Serves 4-6

Ingredients
100g self-raising flour
100g caster sugar
100g butter (softened)
2 medium eggs
Zest of 2 lemons and 4tbsp juice
150g lemon curd

1) Lightly butter a 2pint/1litre pudding basin.
2) Sift the flour into a large mixing bowl and add the sugar, butter, eggs, lemon zest and 2tbsp of the juice.
3) Use an electric hand whisk to beat the ingredients together until the mixture becomes pale and thickens.
4) Spoon the mixture into the bowl, making a small hollow in the centre.
5) Microwave the pudding on the highest setting for 4-6 minutes, until springy to touch in the middle.
6) Remove from the microwave and leave for a few minutes before turning out onto a plate.
7) Meanwhile, in a small mixing bowl, mix the lemon curd and the remaining lemon juice and then pop into the microwave on high for 30 seconds.
8) Stir the sauce then pour half over the sponge. Leave for 2 minutes to allow this to soak in, then pour on the rest and serve.

Tip: Make the sponge and sauce but keep separate and simply serve portions of the sponge, repeating step 8 when required. This means you can make a giant one for just one or two people and eat it over a few days (the sponge will keep in an airtight container for 3 days, the sauce will keep in the fridge and both will need 30 seconds in the microwave to reheat).

Early mornings and exercise.

This morning, for the first time in six years, I got up early and went to the gym before starting my day. Now, I normally do go to the gym, so the only real deviation from the norm was that I got up early with no reason to other than my own desire to hit the gym, but it really has changed the whole dynamic of my day.

For a start, psychologically, when it got to 10am and I'd already been to the gym, showered, washed, dried and straightened my hair and I was sat in the library ready to start my essay, I felt productive and as a consequence, I was productive. I had also, before getting to the library, packed myself a lunch which I have to say was much more healthy than my usual haul, and I wonder if having been to the gym had something to do with my reaching for the cucumber, as opposed to the cheese.

Now, it's no secret that exercise helps to boost your mood, so it's no surprise that I felt a lot more cheerful, positive and confident this morning than I usually do after my normal sluggish start. Exercise has always been my way to control stress though, and it has given me confidence in myself over the years which I don't think I could have had otherwise. I don't really use it to control my weight so it doesn't give me confidence in that way (although given that I've been a gymbunny since I was 16 it would be impossible to say how I might look had I not been consistent in exercising), but it's just something about being in control of my own fitness, having aims and always pushing myself to beat my own previous best which gives me confidence. I think it might also have a lot to do with being fitter than most men, and I do like that; I like that I'm small but not pathetic, and I like that I can hold my own and shun all the stereotypes.

But now I'm worried, as having been so into my fitness for so long, I am now concerned that when I move and can't afford the gym for a while (and even when I can, will I have the time/energy) that all of these benefits will disappear, and I'm scared of the chubby, stressed, pathetic-feeling girl who might be left behind. I just wish I liked running or had any motivation for it, then there wouldn't be a problem.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could stay fit without forking out for a gym membership? If you do, please let me know, I really am a bit worried for my health.

A hormonal outburst.

For the last year, maybe eighteen months, I've been suffering with mood swings. Or at least, until I started blogging, I thought I had.

After Christmas 2009, I realised that my moods varied greatly from week to week and I managed to track them back to realise the connection to my cycle and the days I went on/off the pill. I was already having relationship problems with my then-boyfriend, and when I spent one week of every month crying and another shouting at anyone and everything like a crazed mad woman, I realised this wasn't going to help. So I trotted off to my doctors, presented the evidence and she swapped me to another type of pill.

Type in 'hormonal woman' to google image search et voila... depicted.

By this point it was March, and my relationship with my then-boyfriend was hanging by a thread so I hoped the change would help. It did not, and actually, my new pill made me even more insane and I became impossible to live with. I look back now at some of my demands and some of the fights we had and I can't believe I was ever like that, and whilst nothing justifies the way he finished things, I'm surprised we made it to April before he kicked me out, leaving me homeless and broke in every sense of the word.

When I realised that my emotions were being partly-fuelled by the pill again, I took myself off it and had a very nice, placated 5 months before my need for a longer term contraceptive took me back to the doctor. I now have an IUD coil fitted, which works on many of the same hormones but at a much reduced rate and rather than breaking every month, it provides a consistent flow. And yet I still seemed to suffer the same mood swings from Christmas onwards, going from illogical to teary-eyed to angry beast within days, and I suffered all the other effects of a hormone 'wobble' as my (obviously male) doctor described them, such as headaches and spots.

But now, after having split with my boyfriend three months ago and having only had one 'wobble' since, I've realised the factor was not my hormones. It was my relationship, or rather, relationships. The mood swings being caused by them, the headaches and spots from the stress of being unhappy in my situation... it all adds up, and it was only when I had my first mood swing in months on Thursday that I realised what actually caused my flare-ups. And needless to say, it has nothing to do with my hormone levels, but rather the boyfriend-induced stress levels. The calmest I've been in months have been the times I've felt truly free of BS (boyfriend stress, which to be honest could readily be exchanged with 'bullshit' and the effect would be the same) and as quickly as my BS came on Thursday, I ditched the cause from my life and magically I'm fine again.

I suppose there could be a cause-and-effect debate here, but regardless, it seems that the calmer I keep my life and the more I focus on myself rather than running my life for someone else, the clearer life seems. And it's a nice realisation, that actually I am in control of this. And hopefully now I know, it will lead to a better screening process in the future and the early warning signs of BS will be much more, often explosively, apparent.

As if I needed another reason to abstain from men in the next year or so - I have much better things to be doing, much greater things to achieve, and a much greater level of stability to reach than I ever could, evidently, with a man in tow.

So sorry guys, I'm officially off the market, even if this tale of a truly crazy woman didn't put you off...