Nothing to say.

I haven't blogged for ages because I realise that no-one wants to read a load of miserable, whingey posts which is how I have been feeling recently. But I haven't forgotten about the blog world and I will be back in the new year, because I have only one New Years resolution: to have a better year. Better year = happier. Now I just need Christmas to hurry up and get the hell out of my life. Then I can start sorting everything else out...

Another Christmas rant.

Warning: this is another rant. Sorry for so many, but I need the outlet again...

I have realised why I hate Christmas Day.

Christmas isn't about the presents; it's about spending time with your family and people you love. It's about those silly memories everyone has of their grandad falling asleep, of someone getting drunk, of someone dropping the alight Christmas pudding and all that whilst surrounded by people you love.

That's why I hate Christmas Day. No-one really wants me to be there.

Because my mum's boyfriend is the biggest dickhead to ever grace this earth, if I go to my mum's, he refuses to go and she gets pissed off. If I don't go, she misses me and, again, gets pissed off with me. My dad invites me out of pity because of the aforementioned situation. My grandma is roped into Christmas with the other side of the family, and my Nan is with my auntie in Kent. My boyfriend wants me to go one minute and then doesn't the next minute and was probably only inviting me out of pity in the first place, which is hardly making me feel wanted, and as a general sweeping statement, the whole situation is making me feel like absolute crap.

No-one really wants me there for Christmas. My decision lies between where I go, knowing that no one really gives a shit, knowing that whatever I do my mum will be pissed off, and knowing that as a consequence, I will have a shit day anyway.

I cannot think about it without wanting to burst into tears.

I am starting to realise more about why I hate Christmas...

6 weeks today and the crap will be over for another year, thank goodness.

Feeling positive.

Doesn't it suck how quickly time flies when you least want it to? I mean, where did half term go? Time has gone so quickly, it really doesn't feel like I've had a week off at all and the things I have done have been much less relaxing than I would normally care for in a weeks "holiday". But, actually, it has done my attitude the world of good so perhaps the change has been as good as a rest? I feel much more like my usual positive self, the "usual" self I haven't seen in quite a few months, and feel like everything is on the up.

I have to say, as ridiculous as it sounds, one massive change for me has been the content on my iPod. I mean, there have been some great new albums out recently but, seriously, everyone needs to cheer up a bit! Yes, Ellie Goulding and Of Monsters and Men, I'm talking to you: your music is beautiful, but my goodness you don't half put a downer on my mood. I have had to ditch you all for cheerier music matter or the radio because otherwise I may have gone completely insane.

Plus, I have a social life for the coming tow months! Miracles do happen...

So, bring on the new half term: Bring me more chances to show what I can really do and bring on some fun! I will even endeavour to get into the Christmas spirit, despite my usual scroogeish nature and the upcoming rubbish Christmas Day which will be the normal anti-climax to the whole shebang.

Enjoy the next half term fellow teacher bloggers, and to others who exist outside of the academic calendar, enjoy what is left of your working year :)

It's November.

Today is November.

Christmas is in December.

STOP WITH THE CHRISTMAS ADVERTS IN NOVEMBER. And I swear to God, if I hear a single Christmas song in the next month, I will go nuts.

Why must people insist on dragging Christmas out? Admittedly, I am an absolute scrooge; I hate the stupid, expensive, commercial reasoning behind my being forced to spend a whole week of my life with my family who I only get on okay-ish with at the best of times. I hate spending my money on things that people don't actually want because I have to, I hate the fact that everyone else always gets excited because they have an awesome time whilst I am going to be going home to a week of boredom because there is nothing else to do, and, most of all, I hate the fact that this stupid season gets dragged out for months before, as if it isn't bad enough anyway.

I hate the fact that my Grandad won't be here this year.

I hate that Christmas makes me feel really alone.

Generally, I hate Christmas: an expensive, pointless way of making people feel like absolute crap.

Rant over.

Today, I had a good day!

I only ever seem to blog to moan these days. I no longer blog about my life or the things I see for two simple reasons: 1) My life is boring and 2) my life is monotonous.

But today, I had a good day. I felt like today was the culmination of the last year of my life and for the first time, I didn't cock up an opportunity to prove myself - I really did prove myself to be everything I thought I possibly had the potential to maybe be one day. And, before you read on and think that I'm chatting rubbish, if you are not a teacher, this achievement will probably mean nothing to you. It is pretty awesome though.

So hell-to-the-yeah, I finally got an 'outstanding' grading in a lesson observation! I didn't fall to pieces when being observed, I didn't do random stupid things that I have never ever done before but seem to save just for when I'm being watched, I did everything exactly as planned. "Faultless", apparently.


I finally proved I could do it! I knew I could, even when I was told on my final teaching placement during my degree that I should probably find another career path because I was useless at teaching, I knew that being in it for the right reasons, having a clear idea of the sort of teacher I wanted to be and putting in (a lot!) of hard work would pay off. I knew I could be that teacher, I bloody-well knew it and right now I am so, so happy. I know that this isn't it, that I have lots to do because that is only in two subjects, but still, it proves I can do it and I am amazingly happy about it.

So, a non-moaning blog post! Proud or what? :D

Thursday Thoughts

I am starting to love Thursday Thoughts, I love the reflection time.

This one speaks very true to me this week, and in the two days since I read it, the advice has done me a load of good. I need to remember this...

I am so, so bored...

I am up and down more than a see-saw at the moment, but basically, my life is crap. This is affecting my mood because I am either wandering around, forcing myself into a bubble of ignorance and pretending that everything is great, or I am fully embracing feeling sorry for myself, crying and moping on the sofa.

To cut a long, self-indulgent rant short, there is nothing massively wrong with my life. In the grand scheme of a word full of poverty, hunger, war, cancer etc, my life is pretty good and I feel guilty for feeling this way but I am just not happy. My relationship is pretty much over (a rant for another day), my confidence is shot, my career is at a stand-still and I have nothing to look forward to. With no prospect of a holiday, or even a significant event in the future (this side of May anyway, and that's a long way away) to keep my spirits up, I am finding every day a struggle - What exactly am I getting out of bed for every day? What do I have to look forward to to make the mundane daily routines bearable?

Answer to that: Sweet fuck all.

I still have no social life, my boyfriend has no time for me (or, rather, is not making time for me - I think he's doing that thing where he pushes me away so I dump him so that he doesn't have to) and life is so incredibly boring I am on the verge of tears even thinking about it. I get up, do the same work routine when I get to school, then teach, then mark, then go home. Nothing more and nothing less, the exact same every day.

Surely, weekends are more exciting? No. Last week I was ill so missed the one social event of the term and all my friends are either in Plymouth or too busy with their real lives to bother with my petulant "I'm booooooooored" whining.

However, last time I thought I may want more drama in my life, I was burgled. So perhaps the moral of the story is to shut up and appreciate the normality of my boring life.

I am actually starting to go mad. I need something to do, some excitement, or at least the prospect of some to get excited about? I could easily scream right now...