Thursday, 14 April 2011

I have definitely grown out of living at home.

I think my last post explains the issues I have with my Mother, and although her being off work has definitely made it worse, we don't get on very well at the best of time. But now my brother is home for the holiday I'm finding the house even more claustrophobic. He's turned into a pretentious little shit since he's been at university, he comes home and makes out like he's better than us and that his lifestyle is better than ours and it makes me feel so self conscious. He thinks he's better than me because he does "a real degree", because I just go and pretend, obviously, and because he is more educated than us. He doesn't actually know anything outside of his field of interest, he knows nothing about the real world. My Mum is as much to blame for that as his cockiness.

I have definitely grown out of living at home. I don't suppose it's that surprising, I'm 22 and after having lived on my own for over a year last year before splitting with my ex I think I've done well to last nearly a year before it has become almost unbearable. I don't think my current financial situation has helped either, I can't afford to go out so I'm stuck in the house most of the time so don't even have the temporary relief of a social life.

I'm actually going to nip upstairs now before my Mum gets off the phone and whinges at what I'm watching on  telly. I know what I watch is a load of rubbish but it's why I like it - I don't want to have to think too much when I watch telly, I like the mind-numbing nature of it. If I wanted to think I'd do a sudoku, read or do some knitting. It doesn't make me a bad person for wanting to watch television.

At least I have my room as a little sanctuary, though it's not quite the same. I just hate having to justify everything I do/don't do, every little thing I want to watch on TV, any music I want to listen to, how long and when I take a bath, what I wear, what I read, where I go, who I'm with... I have nothing which is my own and no time which is mine to do with what I like. I feel so trapped and suffocated here, I need to get out. It makes me feel better about the move in July though, I'll be financially pushed to afford the move at the start of the summer, but if this isn't reason to be skint & free versus slightly-less-skint & trapped then I don't know what is. I'd be happy with no furniture or money, but just to have my own space. My priorities are fast changing - get out of here as soon as possible! Never mind where, never mind with what money/furniture, just get out.

Moving out will definitely be the invigorating experience I know it could be, even if it does just mean I can snuggle into the sofa with my duvet and watch Eastenders in peace. Can't fricking wait :)


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